Heads Hidden. Asses Exposed.

Can you believe it's March already? This year is moving right along! How are things going with your year?  You may remember reading my blog post New Year, Right People and the list I mentioned, 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  Let's talk about the second item on that list:

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. We’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

I know far too many people who run away from problems, conflicts and issues in the hopes they will go away, even hoping others will forget about them. Sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are non-issues makes for a very bumpy walk that only leads to stumbling even more in life. Ignoring problems, conflicts, and issues doesn't solve anything, and more often than not makes matters worse.

I use to be someone who ran from problems, especially conflict. I didn't want anyone to dislike me, the result of a very challenged and low self-esteem. I, like many of us, was raised by well-meaning parents who pointed out all my faults, criticized me for one thing or another, and told me how I could be, should be, and to be better than what I was.  In order to be liked and accepted, not only by others, but most importantly, so that I may like and accept myself, I didn't deal with anything when strife and challenge took place. Not dealing with anything means: I didn't stand up for myself when I needed to when I was being wronged, and; admitting when I was in the wrong (because then, I'd prove my parents right that I was less than perfect). I lived thirty-plus years this way, and it was during this time I experienced some rather miserable experiences in my life: struggles with high school and college, depression, financial challenges and failures, a failed marriage and many failed relationships, and unhappy job experiences.

When I began to look at my stuff, that is all my emotional and mental baggage I'd been toting around for over three decades and that had weighed me down, I began to face past and current issues I'd ignored. Some issues were with other people long gone from my life, but I dealt with the issues anyway in their absence so I may resolve and forgive them, and how I showed up in those relationships, friendships, and situations. Some issues were with myself; unproductive and devaluing choices I made over the course of my young adult life that I needed to accept, forgive and free myself of the guilt I felt, and own the blame I'd placed on others.

Today, I face problems head-on, and do whatever I can to address and resolve them. Sometimes, if it involves another person unwilling to participate in the “working things out” process, there's little I can do about that, but know I tried, then come to personal peace and forgiveness with him or her, and for myself. Instead of reacting in an emotional knee-jerk reaction, a common practice of mine from the past, I now take a step back, breathe deeply, and apply a 24-hour rule. During this time, I work through the emotional upset and intensity around it, meditate so I find my center and clarity. As stated above, we're met to “feel” these emotions, so allowing them to express, best done in private (because doing so publicly only creates more drama and a new set of problems, issues and conflicts), helps me purge them. Then, I can see the situation with a clearer mind and open heart. Taking this time and space to “process” facilitates “cooling off” which lends to a maturer, calmer approach towards a positive resolution when addressing the matter. Many fail to use this approach and fly off the handle, especially today on Facebook. Admittedly, taking a step back verses reacting in the upset wasn't easy at first.  But I've found with conscious effort and practice, I've experienced firsthand how much more smoothly and quickly things work out and greater peace it produces in my life.

In facing our problems, we learn about ourselves, and how we sometimes show up in less than stellar ways. Doing so also helps us recognize within us unfinished business from a past hurt or disappointment. Too many times, these unhealed wounds are projected towards another innocent, putting that person in the role of “punching bag”. The more we face our problems, the more empowered we are in having our voice and effectively dealing with them in a meaningful way.

Here's another way of looking at this: If we keep sticking our heads in the sand when problems arise, remember our asses are left sticking up in the air, open and vulnerable for everyone to take a piece of it.  When we pull our heads out of the ground, turn around and face whatever unfinished business is nipping at our hind-end, we will feel less pain, less hurt, less misery, and less stress in our life. 

Life is never without its problems. When we face life head-on, we take part in creating an opportunity to enjoy peace, tranquility, personal empowerment, wisdom and harmony in our own lives.

The Disability of Bad Attitudes

In my work with individuals with developmental disabilities, I am continuously amazed by the ABILITIES these individuals have, and their positive attitudes despite the seemingly insurmountable obstacles before them in living their lives. I am in awe of them, inspired by them, and honored to work with such a remarkable group of people.

When I saw the quote above by Scott Hamilton, I considered people who don't have physical disabilities but mental and emotional disabilities influencing their attitudes which shape their opinions about themselves, other people, and their own lives to the point of crippling them in living joyously, peaceful, drama-free, and harmonious lives. I believe in people more than they believe in themselves, and it saddens me to see people struggle in their lives as result of these crippling attitudes. I've learned I can't change anyone but myself.  I can only mind my own attitude to the extent of my willingness to be genuinely honest with myself, and only then can I experience and live peace and and harmony within me. In doing so, I experience a life of greater joy and happiness.

Attitude is everything, whether its about a job, our current political environment, family, our own bodies, and our perception of others; whether it's positive, negative, or one of victimization. Attitude shapes our reality. If you hold the attitude your job sucks, you will experience a sucky job. If you believe negatively of someone, you will live a reality that person is mean and hateful to you, whether that individual actually lives up to that belief or not. Our attitude shapes everything about our life, our outlook and perception through our eyes and our belief filters. Worse, it then reflects in the things we say, how we say it, our actions, choices and our behaviors.

Every day I mind my attitude through meditation, prayer, and affirmations. When I feel pulled down by others' lower altitudes of attitudes, I breathe deeply, and recenter in the highest altitude I know before reacting: God. Whether it's friends, family members, co-workers or strangers at Walmart, people show up positively, negatively, rudely, hatefully, threateningly, lovingly, etc. We can do nothing about how others show up and behave, but we can manage our own personal attitudes via our words and response/reaction to them. The higher the altitude of your attitude, the easier it is to let other people's stuff slide. Remember, these folks may be having a bad moment, a bad day, a bad relationship, or a bad life. It doesn't matter. What matters is how you and I take it on and/or respond to it; and if our attitude is genuinely, authentically in a higher altitude zone of positivity, love, and compassion, then their actions, words, choices, behaviors will slide off us like an egg slides on Teflon, thus making the whole deal a non-issue unworthy of reaction, response, future discussion, recycling, or stewing over.

The key is recognizing it in those moments, and doing an altitude check. Having a healthy sense of self, and an astute self-awareness makes it easier. Changing one's altitude of attitude is about being self aware, recognizing when we are feeling hooked into the lower altitudes belonging to someone else. If we get hooked, we must own it, and take responsibility for it. More often than not, people place the blame, responsibility of their actions, behaviors, choices off onto another person or situation, using that as their excuse for an overreaction, poor management, poor behavior or hurtful words. No one is responsible for what we do, say or how we act but you and me, the one's doing it. No ifs, ands, or buts. We must also consciously consider the impetus of our choices, behaviors, actions, or in some cases, non-actions, and address what is at the root of it. Usually, it's fear, insecurity, low self-esteem, anger, abandonment, self-judgment and/or blame projected onto another when it's really one's own self-perception at an unconscious level.

Additionally, sweeping these things under a rug, pretending whatever happened didn't, and moving on in a “forgive and forget” (a cop-out from owning responsibility, learning lessons and gleaning wisdom) effort doesn't shift the altitude of attitude. Responsibility must be owned and addressed, whether it involves another person or whether it's a conversation with one self, or both.  This effort facilitates healing, so that as appropriate, apologies may be issued, feelings acknowledged, hurts forgiven, and lessons learned to facilitate the shift to a higher altitude of attitude and awareness. It's from this place clarity is achieved, so in moving forward, better choices are made to improve one's life, and ultimately, one's altitude of attitude.