I'm finding that living in each moment can be a bit unsettling, and yet so freeing, at the same time.
For the first time since I've been up this morning, I realize it is 11:15 a.m., the inspiration and time of this writing. It's not that I just lay around doing nothing as the morning continues on; straightening the house, cleaning the kitchen, catching up on some laundry, seeing to the dogs, journaling, reading the Sunday ads, checking email, making beds, talking with mom and seeing to her needs, talking to pop, and shedding a few tears in an effort to purge building emotion. Yet, when I realized what time it was, my immediate thought was, I've gotten nothing done!
I realize that this "thought process" stems from a belief system of being that I've lived with, that many of us live with on a daily basis for many years. My life, as are most lives, function on schedules, deadlines, timelines, expectations. As the master of multitasking, I am in a time right now where multi-tasking isn't possible; my mental state is in emotional distraction around my mom and this human experience; I must stay focused on one task at a time, seeing it through before moving on to the next one at hand. Otherwise, I may complete nothing, and make myself an emotional mental wreck in attempts to juggle it all at once.
But why must we juggle it all at once? I'm really pondering this question, for I have always been proud of what a great and efficient multi-tasker I am; it was a key selling point that most employers loved seeing on my resume and in my job performance! But is it really the way we are intended to live? Our country, world, technology has created this existence. I've created this existence for my own life over the years, and thrived in it, and even seen is as who I am - Miss Efficient Multi-tasking Queen.
So when I see the list above of all that I've done this morning, and yet, hold this sense I've accomplished nothing, I question my point of reference of this conclusion. And I see that only I (with the help of our culture) have created the point of reference. I'm learning that the cookie doesn't crumble if the laundry isn't done immediately upon its creation, if emails aren't returned instantly, and blogs aren't done on a daily basis. Why do we pressure ourselves to such extremes that we burden ourselves with stress?
As I move through this experience, which I know is Divinely purposeful for me, as well as all involved, I am experiencing introspective moments that leave me feeling "aha's" and feeling unsettled at the same time. The good news, which I have to make myself consciously remember, is that I don't have to have it all figured out right this minute in order to move on through my day, week, and this experience. Hey, whadda ya know, maybe I can effectively and enjoyably live my life without having it all figured out without the timely fashion of a deadline!
Love and light.
P.S. Forgive the typos, if any. I'm getting over being perfect too! :-)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
It's been a while since I posted a note. My apologies but I am on a wild ride in this life. Since my last posting, I lost my job, stored my belongings into a storage unit in Colorado, and have gone home for a while to Kentucky to spend time with my mom who is terminal and nearing her transition, as well as to help my dad with her care at home.
Since I arrived little over a week ago Monday, my mom’s condition has deteriorated. Each day brings a new challenge, a change. This experience is truly the ultimate classroom of learning how to live one moment at a time. I learned quickly that you can not become attached to a plan, and really strengthening my ability to "go with the flow."
In the midst of this difficult time, I find myself feeling the greatest of love I've ever felt from my mom. Like most mothers and daughters, we've had our tumultuous times, but overall, our relationship has been close. Since learning of the news in January of her terminal diagnosis (renal cell carcinoma, multiple tumors on her brain, and probably elsewhere in her body now), I've called and talked to her daily on the phone from Colorado. It became a joke with my Dad that between 3-4 p.m. CST, when the phone rang, it was me. Our conversations are now limited to questions and answers, as her ability to speak and bring her thoughts to verbalization lessens. My dad and I are now having to do everything for her, from her personal hygiene to feeding her. I cherish each moment I can touch her, hug her, kiss her. With a level of deepest consciousness that I've ever experienced, I cherish moments when she kisses me back, reaches out to touch my hand or arm, or play with my curls when I'm holding her as we change her bed. My heart fills powerfully with love for her as I watch her eat, watch TV, or just sleeps. And I tell her several times a day how much I love her, and allow her "I love you's" to pierce my heart and soul, as if etching them there forever.
There are also so many beautiful moments. Mom’s brother and sister visited her last week. Considering their estranged relationship over the last few years, the visit went remarkably well, and mom actually enjoyed it more than I believe she expected would. At one point, I needed help with my mom's toileting, and surprisingly, her sister jumped in to help. It was heartwarming to see these two women hug as my aunt held her up to move her; I felt the love they had for each other melt away any differences between them. I was honored to witness the healing their relationship within that hug; the energy between my mother and aunt was the warmest I’d seen or felt between them since their mom died three years ago.
This experience is teaching me a great deal. All things in our life happen to support our spiritual growth, propel us in a direction we are destined to head prior to entering this human experience, and allow us multitudes of opportunities to truly remember the Truth of who we are as spiritual beings. In all honestly, I've spent the first week or more muddling through it all; when I finally decided to take the time for meditation and affirmative prayer, I'm feeling more centered, which is also allowing me to be of greater service to my mom and dad. Journaling the emotions around this experience, such as frustration, grief, fear, uncertainty, worry, and resentment, as well as sharing them with my support systems supports the Human within me. Remember, we are spiritual beings having a human experience and we must honor our human Ego as well as our spiritual Self. I allow whatever emotions to come to the surface, mostly of late, lots of tears; reaching out for hugs and support from aunts and friends comfort me, the human. Knowing the presence of God/Spirit within this human experience, within my mom and dad, and me, comforts me spiritually that all is Divine Perfection.
Thanks for reading and your support. I miss Colorado, but trust I am exactly where I am to be in this leg of my journey, and that the Divine is present within it for me and my family. Love to all.
Since I arrived little over a week ago Monday, my mom’s condition has deteriorated. Each day brings a new challenge, a change. This experience is truly the ultimate classroom of learning how to live one moment at a time. I learned quickly that you can not become attached to a plan, and really strengthening my ability to "go with the flow."
In the midst of this difficult time, I find myself feeling the greatest of love I've ever felt from my mom. Like most mothers and daughters, we've had our tumultuous times, but overall, our relationship has been close. Since learning of the news in January of her terminal diagnosis (renal cell carcinoma, multiple tumors on her brain, and probably elsewhere in her body now), I've called and talked to her daily on the phone from Colorado. It became a joke with my Dad that between 3-4 p.m. CST, when the phone rang, it was me. Our conversations are now limited to questions and answers, as her ability to speak and bring her thoughts to verbalization lessens. My dad and I are now having to do everything for her, from her personal hygiene to feeding her. I cherish each moment I can touch her, hug her, kiss her. With a level of deepest consciousness that I've ever experienced, I cherish moments when she kisses me back, reaches out to touch my hand or arm, or play with my curls when I'm holding her as we change her bed. My heart fills powerfully with love for her as I watch her eat, watch TV, or just sleeps. And I tell her several times a day how much I love her, and allow her "I love you's" to pierce my heart and soul, as if etching them there forever.
There are also so many beautiful moments. Mom’s brother and sister visited her last week. Considering their estranged relationship over the last few years, the visit went remarkably well, and mom actually enjoyed it more than I believe she expected would. At one point, I needed help with my mom's toileting, and surprisingly, her sister jumped in to help. It was heartwarming to see these two women hug as my aunt held her up to move her; I felt the love they had for each other melt away any differences between them. I was honored to witness the healing their relationship within that hug; the energy between my mother and aunt was the warmest I’d seen or felt between them since their mom died three years ago.
This experience is teaching me a great deal. All things in our life happen to support our spiritual growth, propel us in a direction we are destined to head prior to entering this human experience, and allow us multitudes of opportunities to truly remember the Truth of who we are as spiritual beings. In all honestly, I've spent the first week or more muddling through it all; when I finally decided to take the time for meditation and affirmative prayer, I'm feeling more centered, which is also allowing me to be of greater service to my mom and dad. Journaling the emotions around this experience, such as frustration, grief, fear, uncertainty, worry, and resentment, as well as sharing them with my support systems supports the Human within me. Remember, we are spiritual beings having a human experience and we must honor our human Ego as well as our spiritual Self. I allow whatever emotions to come to the surface, mostly of late, lots of tears; reaching out for hugs and support from aunts and friends comfort me, the human. Knowing the presence of God/Spirit within this human experience, within my mom and dad, and me, comforts me spiritually that all is Divine Perfection.
Thanks for reading and your support. I miss Colorado, but trust I am exactly where I am to be in this leg of my journey, and that the Divine is present within it for me and my family. Love to all.
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