God's Gift of Rebirth

Liberation from hell on Earth came September 13, 2018. By this point, I felt hopelessness in my life. My dad was in Versailles, KY after his health needs demanded more care. He was the main reason I was in Owensboro so now my being here seemed pointless.  After concerted efforts (above and beyond employer expectations) to address coworker feedback about how I was handling my stress, I could please no one no matter how hard I tried, and that equated to epic failure in my mind. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained, and teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Upon hearing my services were no longer needed, I initially felt rejected.  Yet, I wasn’t surprised. I had an intuitive feeling it was coming. I had a resignation letter ready to turn in the following week after a staff meeting, so I knew my time was coming to an end in this job, one way or another.  Upon getting the news, and packing all I could into my work bag, I left.  I was hurt and angry. I broke down into tears only after pulling out of the parking lot and crying off and on the rest of the day. In hindsight, I’m not sure those weren’t tears of upset, relief or joy.  Maybe a little of them all.  My pride felt injured. I busted my ass for my employer, working tirelessly to meet my deadlines. I went above and beyond to meet my performance improvement requirements, and to make things right and people happy. The rationale for their decision made no sense, but it didn’t matter. I was freed from the maddening life of hell that I had been living for two and a half years.

Gratitude came quickly the next morning when my phone was silent: no texts dinging with call-in messages. I didn’t have to force myself out of bed, nor was my mind reeling around the day's demands. I didn't have to steel myself to meet a new day of wild fires, melodramas and unreasonable demands from my coworkers, clients or administration.  Joy drowned the rejection as I realized my newfound freedom from the “shit show.” Understandably, hurt still seeped into the emotional mix. Relationships with coworkers I genuinely cared about were suddenly ripped from my life.  And perhaps, they were indeed one-sided relationships; I received nothing but cold silence from coworkers (sans one), giving the appearance they didn’t feel for me in the same way.

After a few days, I realized I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and adrenaline rush addiction. I collapsed in pure exhaustion.  I had no idea how drained I was until I was out of the pit of negativity.  I slept and slept, and slept some more, both night and day.  My mind took weeks to slow down and not worry about what needed to be done or brace against what was coming next. 

My anxiety and panic attacks suddenly disappeared, and I realized that the overwhelm I felt was rooted in the emotional and mental energies of the work environment and agency.  I succumbed to negativity, sensory overload because I lost sight of my being an empath.  While the work environment was an unhealthy contributor to how I felt, I cannot say it is the main reason for my poor health and well-being. I failed to set better energetic boundaries, exercise greater self-care, and practice non-attachment to other people’s choices, words, behaviors and actions. I forgot to preserve and protect my own energy; and, often allowed others to suck the energetic life out of me by allowing them to tap into my heart and soul. The outcome? I crashed and burned. I became swallowed whole by the lower vibrations and toxic energy around me, which crippled physical and my energetic well-being.

I am blessed and grateful to have been freed from the anguish and misery on September 13^th, which I consider the birthday of my rebirth. The experience was a meaningful classroom, and while it had its good moments, overall, it was an exercise bringing me back to full circle ten years after returning to Kentucky. The experience reawakened me and reminded of who I am, have always been: an empath.  I owe a debt of gratitude to the many souls who played a role in my life these past seven years, as humans and as soulmates.  I am reminded how important it is that I protect myself through self-love and self-care, and to honor this truth of who I am.

But I still had a lot of healing to do over the next few months. Sometimes we must go through the dark tunnels of our unconscious selves in order to get to the Light. 

A Living Hell on Earth

The past several years, I shut down as an empath. I abruptly abandoned my role and support as a spiritual coach and teacher to several like-minded individuals I worked with in Evansville. The sudden disowning of my spiritual path was difficult for those who knew me, as well as for myself.  I experienced an inner-conflict about who I was, who I was expected to be, and what I wanted in my life. At the time, I was moving through some major transitions.  I chose to chase the “normal” life: a regular job, being a daughter that my father would approve of, and finding the love of my life.

Ugh, was THAT a human experience!! 

I worked main stream jobs, one of three that I found fulfilling. I was honored to support my father through the sale of our childhood home and his eventual moves into my home, then an assisted care facility. I have witnessed and supported him through the deterioration of his Lewy Body Dementia, taking over (with help from my brother and his wife) his personal and financial affairs. I had a three-year relationship with a man I believed to be the love of my life. During this time, I enjoyed ups and downs, good and bad moments, fond and sad memories along the way. But the last three years were the most intense and most miserable.  It’s as if the Universe was giving me a major WHACK up side my head to shake me out of the rut I settled into with contentment.  I ended my three-year relationship, two years too late, after much angst and inner strife. I started a new job in one of the most toxic environment I’ve ever encountered . While I held my own for the first year, by my second year in, I fell victim to the lower vibrations.  I began mirroring the energy within which I worked, becoming a person I no longer recognized or knew. This happened because I lost sight of my vulnerabilities of being an empath. I abandon spiritual practices, my self care needs, thus becoming energetically and emotionally vulnerable.  I began experiencing significant bouts of anxiety, depression and stress.

During my second year evaluation, I received feedback about how I’d been showing up with my coworkers - and it wasn't pretty or easy to hear. Blindsided and mortified of what I was reflecting, I suffered a panic attack in that meeting. I was oblivious to how I’d been showing up, and the review offered me greater insight that I wasn’t managing my stress well, and it was impacting others and how I showed up with them.  I diligently worked to repair estranged relationships. I held myself accountable to the entire group, and individually, apologizing for my poor management of stress, behavior and treatment to those I'd been unkind towards. I consciously shifted up my own energy and attitude in the workplace, setting positive intentions each morning. But by this point, I was in a losing battle. Unforgiving coworkers were still unhappy with one thing or another.  I experienced physical health challenges under the added stress. Shingles, digestive issues, back issues and numbness in my right and eventually my left hand. I was grinding my teeth when I did sleep, cracking a tooth and living with excruciating jaw pain for a several months.  I uncharacteristically caught the viruses that go around every winter, for which steroids and antibiotics weren’t working. Mentally, I was still suffering from bouts of severe anxiety when dealing with administration and daily issues, which led to an increase in my medication and a new prescription just so I could manage my day. I experienced bouts of depression and even panic attacks. Emotionally, I was moody, weepy and took everything personally. Even a kind word broke me into tears because I felt so unworthy of them because I was being criticized at every turn for how I was doing my job. 

The stress and pressure of fifty- and sixty-hour work weeks to meet deadlines, the chronic daily adrenaline rush from managing several fires at once, coworker/client crises, complaints, bad attitudes, melodramas, whining, and unreasonable demands; I felt defeated at every level of my being. I was expected to be everything to everyone: a mother, fireman, compliance enforcer, counselor, punching bag, dumping ground; you name it, I was it. I gave so much of myself that I had nothing left for me at the end of the day or week. I drank more wine, beer and sangrias, and ate more to cope/numb/protect the overwhelming negative energy I experienced.  I felt betrayed by coworkers and those who were supposedly there to to administratively support me. 

Add to (what my friend aptly calls it) “the shit show”, my worries and concerns for my father’s declining health increased as my brother and I scrambled to meet and support his needs.  All of this on top of the profound grief I was experiencing over the end of a three-year dating relationship, and coping with the foolishness I felt realizing it was nothing but a means for passing time. Additional work pressure of meeting performance improvement requirements to make terminally unhappy coworkers happier; constantly feeling second- guessed and scrutinized, and ultimately a target, didn’t help. Nothing I did was good enough for anyone at any level. I felt alone and knocked down at every turn. I owned my mistakes but was always on the wrong side of right.  I was one step short of a nervous and emotional breakdown, fighting to keep it together while pleasing everyone, despite that nothing I did or said pleased anyone anyway.

No wonder I felt lost!  I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I was supposed to be doing since nothing I was doing was right by anyone’s standards. I started looking for other work, all over the country; and even though I had a couple of offers,  I didn’t want to abandon my coworkers or my commitments. More shit beyond my control hit the fan in the fall, and the roller coaster ride I was on was heading into a crash and burn. Despite the hellacious experience, I bent over backwards to make everything right.  I now realize that my desire to please others and make others feel better was self-punitive and self-abusive, and the cost I paid was expensive. The Universe pushed me as far as I could go in this experience, and while I had a resignation letter ready to turn in,  I'm not sure I wouldn't have turned it in, but instead, continued even further through the misery because I’m not a quitter.

But then God granted me a gift, a blessing in disguise: an emergency exit door out of hell!