Sans Facebook

After much consideration, I decided to go off Facebook after the first of the year. I love posting pictures of my beagles and kitten, watching and sharing other cute animal videos. I enjoy knowing what other people are up to, significant news and life changes they are experiencing.  

But I don’t care for the negativity, the political and social ignorance, and at times, the inhumanity that shows up on the social media wall. More importantly, I didn’t like how much time I spent on my iPhone watching how others live their lives while I let my own life slip away. In monitoring my screen time the past month or so, I’ve found myself spending HOURS on my phone! (Do you know how much time you are on your phone?  There’s a setting to find out if you’re interested.) I became too involved in other peoples’ lives and less so in my own. Facebook is addictive. If nothing was of interest on my wall, I’d go to strangers’ postings to see what was going on. I felt like the neighbor Alice from the old sitcom Bewitched. Showing my age here, but that means I was being nosy, which Facebook makes easy to do.

Facebook also became much like Linus’s blanket for me – a security crutch to feeling better about myself. That’s what Facebook is really – and a small part of why Mark Zuckerburg created it after being jilted by a girl, and he wanted to feel popular and connected. Oh, and the cash!  It’s a genius program but it comes with pros and cons. I realized I use it as a source of validation, a boost of my self-worth so I feel valued and less alone.  We get attached to how many likes or comments we have on our posts, feeding that Egoic craving for security and "love". Personally, I used Facebook to feel good about myself, and less alone. Rather than validate myself for accomplishments, new hairdos or random clever thoughts, I posted them on Facebook for my online friends to do the task with a like or comment. The reason? For most of my life, I’ve looked to external validation from others  (starting with my dad) to feel good about myself. That’s a whole book’s worth of discussion but essentially, I needed others to make me feel worthy of being on this planet. Many of us are unconscious of this need for external validation. Only after the recent collapse of life as I have known it these past few years, and despite being intellectually aware of this about myself, I’m finally accepting that love and acceptance of who I am starts with me and God within.  God created me, so I must be worthy of existing, right?  Yet I have struggled to accept that truth at a deep emotional and spiritual level. I realize now that I honor God’s love by loving myself through kinder words, self-compassion, gentle thoughts, self-care, self-respect, and putting to use the gifts God gave me as an empath.

Complicating this further, as an empath I tend to be energetically affected at every level of my being by the vibes of other people’s posts – negative or positive.  I cry at the rescue animal videos – my heart breaks, then celebrates in a matter of two minutes. I cringe with angst reading posts in support of a hateful, narcissistic leader, and/or become angry at the lack of empathy for others or the ignorance in opinions.  I emotionally sink reading news of terrorist attacks and the ugly comments by people who are quick to place blame while simultaneously demonstrating stupidity around the horror, loss of life and tragedy of others.

Facebook is one of the many distractions I’ve been clearing. “Stuff” – material clutter that we collect in the name of status (cars, furniture, knick-knacks, clothes, etc.) are also tools for external validation. Mental clutter of defeatist thinking, self-loathing and judgement of myself and of others is also clutter. I am clearing “stuff” that serves no purpose in my life, thus minimizing all distractions so I focus on what my Higher Power calls me to do on this journey – a spiritual healer and support for others. 

Facebook: Reality Soap Opera

Growing up, many of you and your mothers watched soap operas. I and several college dorm mates even scheduled classes around All my Children so we never missed it.  Most soap operas are a thing of the past, with only one or two still on daytime TV. Others faded into their serial sunset or went 21^st Century tech with web broadcasts. Wonder why?

My theory is because of Facebook. Where can you get better real life drama? We watched the relationship dramas of Erica Kane, the vengeful wrath of the Cassadines, and the mental troubles of Vicki/Nicki daily, because it made us feel better about our own lives! We felt better knowing there were worse love relationship issues, greater dysfunction within families, and more serious health and mental problems than our own.

Today, Facebook has become reality’s soap opera. We post daily, myself included (*) about whatever is going on in our lives, good or bad. This social media connects us to each other with people we haven’t seen in forever, but wondered about often. Instead of the drama and celebrations of Landview or Pine Valley, we have the good, the bad and the ugly posted all over Facebook.

How has Facebook replaced the good old days of daily soaps?

General Hospital. You know where I’m going here – the daily postings of loved ones and friends who are sick, who are in the hospital, asking for prayers.* Some Facebook extremists post god-awful photos of their loved ones right out of surgery, swollen with tubes coming out of every orifice while unconscious! We “check in” to Urgent Care, the ER, or the doctor’s office, alerting others all is not well. We post when we are under the weather, taken a fall*, or been in an accident. We share news of loved ones struggling with long-term illness, and/or the loss of loved ones who pass unexpectedly. We seek empathy, sympathy, and prayers. Facebook is often where I learn about this news for people I care about, and in need of prayer and support. I’ve opened it up countless times to learn a friend has passed or struggling with health issues. Facebook keeps us informed, and this is how it’s become General Hospital.

All My Children. Baby pics. First day of school pics. Prom pics. Graduation pics. We share our pride and joy, our sorrows and heartbreaks, our worries about our kids on Facebook.. Those of us who don’t have two-legged children share news about our four-legged children* with pet photos, news of their transition, health concerns, and their antics too.  On the flip side, we also see the ugly side of parenting: the ungrateful and disrespectful kiddos by parents who struggle with their relationships, or the choices of their offspring. Facebook brings us news of All our Children.

 One Life to Live. These Facebook posts share our successes, our feats, and accomplishments that make us most proud of. Vacation adventures*, Iron Man or 3K finishes, or goals achieved such as new jobs* and weight loss. Posts also include selfies with celebrities,* or experiences of hob-nobbing. While these posts are upbeat and fun to see, sometimes many interpret these crossing that fine line of bragging, depending on the interpretation of the reader. Regardless, these Facebook posts share how people seize the One Life they Live.

The Bold and the Beautiful. Selfies of varying kinds.* Family portraits. Dress up pics. The selfies we do for profile photos, but most take this practice to a whole new level of mirror shots, car shots,* and modeled shots. There is the lips-puckered selfie,* the reflective selfie, the new doo selfie,* and the mug shot selfie. And don’t forget the group selfies* comprised of two or more people (or pets*) out on the town, having a good time or hanging out. Family portraits portray perfection of unity, and don’t forget the self-esteem selfies when we are feeling good about looking good.  These are the lives of the Bold and the Beautiful.

Days of our Lives. Check-ins at restaurants. Mood reports. Work outs at the gym. Doctor appointments. Spiritual/Religious pats on the back. School pick-up of kids. Work updates. We post highlights of the day, pics of our meals,* and commutes to work. We keep people informed about how our day is going or has gone, what’s great or not great about our day and week.* Facebook helps us connect socially with people, and provides us a venue to vent about what is going well or not so well in the Days of our Lives.

Facebook is the social media stage in which life and all its dramas and joys unfolds. I didn’t address the political posts, videos shares, memes and other such things we see daily on this social forum. Facebook has blazed a new type of reality soap opera, and despite it’s good, bad and ugly, it keeps us connected with people we haven’t seen in forever, barely know, and people who know who we know.

For all its annoyances, Facebook is equally good. It is a drama zone but we as Facebookers own responsibility in how much drama we create, not only on social media, but in our own lives. 

Let’s make the most of the days of our lives in the one life that we live, live boldly and beautiful, unconditionally raise all our children, and stay healthy and out of the general hospital.

*Guilty

The 10% Tithing Note Controversy

There's a post going around on Facebook about an Applebee's waitress that took a photo of credit card slip upon which a note was left by the customer, a pastor that reads: “I give God 10%. Why do you get 18?” If this wasn't enough, the signee seems to stress her point by authoritatively writing “Pastor” above her signature. According to Yahoo.com News who picked up the story, the waitress states she found it funny, thus her reasoning for posting a photo of it, not expecting it to go viral. Evidently the pastor got wind of it, became upset, called Applebee's to complain, which resulted in the waitress being fired. The article quotes the pastor as being surprised by the firing, as well as acknowledging she had a “lapse in character and judgment” in leaving the note.

After reading this Facebook post, I shared it as a statement of my protest of a Christian leader using God to place herself above another by virtue of her tithing practice, and the effort she went to to make her point via the note on the receipt. There is no question the waitress used very poor judgment posting the receipt; however, one choice begets another, productive or not. The originating choice in this situation showed poor judgment in leaving what appears to be a pious self-righteous note intended to put someone in their Christian place. And our choices create our reality. In this case, the pastor's choice to leave the note created the reality in that momentary lapse of judgment, her character was revealed for all the world to see. The waitress's choice to post the receipt and its message created the opportunity to file for unemployment.

After sharing the FB post with my thoughts, I opened up Pinterest to find the photo of this same receipt, and with it almost two dozen comments of varying opinions! Fascinating that this one person's decision to leave a nasty-gram for whatever reason has spurred quite the debate on social media!

One friend commented on my FB share that regardless of whether the person was a pastor, a farmer or a purple people eater (I love this!), "a Christian is able to make a mistake," which is true. In fact, if you are human you will make a mistake, no matter your religious or spiritual beliefs. I think many tend to forget this fact. Both the waitress and the pastor made poor choices in this situation and both are suffering the consequences of those choices. My beef is that someone who is suppose to be a Christian leader and role model of Christ teachings is using God as their rationale for not leaving a tip. Not cool. I've waited tables and it is for the most part a thankless job. I've been stiffed tips a time or two, and that's the risk of the job because you will on occasion wait on stingy frugal-minded jerks. But I am thankful for those teachers because they taught me to be generously abundant as a tipper.

The opinions generated on Pinterest run the gamut. I find it interesting really how Christians are quick to come to the defense of another Christian who makes a mistake; yet, when someone else, especially someone of a differing faith makes a mistake, they are quick to call them out for their non-Christian-like behavior. Its fascinating. In some comments, Christians call out the less than Christian action on the part of the pastor. Those who obviously have a strong bent against Christianity are as equally less forgiving as those Christians who have a strong bent against those who don't believe as they do.

One comment suggests that the pastor thought herself “slick when she wrote it and later embarrassed she was caught.” Its not uncommon that when we make a choice that yields less than positive results, we are left feeling embarrassed, perhaps even ashamed. Another pinner states that “As a server, I find this appalling. How dare she eat out and not compensate appropriately!” Actually the dinner bill automatically added an18% gratuity (scribbled out on the receipt) because the pastor's party had more than eight people, so the waitress was in fact compensated appropriately. The receipt offers the guest an option to add more tip. Another pinner notes about the pastor: “not very christian of her to make people with "lesser" jobs suffer/struggle more than they already are.” Puh-leez. The suggestion that this gal is in a “lesser” job is in and of itself an insult to all waitresses and waiters! We need them and they are valuable to our dining enjoyment! How can their willingness to serve others, a Christian principle I might add, be “lesser?”

Another pinner gets that the 10% really isn't about God, stating “God is asking for it to show obedience not because he needs money, he has everything.” The 10% tithing often goes towards church expenses, including a pastor's salary, and various mission service projects the church supports. God invites us to share our abundance with others (the Law of Circulation). While I recognize the Christian point of view is that God judges us by our actions, I don't believe that God judges us at all, never mind by how much of our money we give in His name, but rather witnesses the intentions within our heart. One pinner defends the waitress, stating, “I'm a Christian. Unless service is lousy or the server rude and unfriendly, I always give 20% tip.” I like her way of sharing the abundance!

I think this pinner's statement really hits home on what we all tend to do, whether it's religion, politics, ethnicity, cultures or lifestyles: “The actions of this pastor are appalling. I am disappointed however, that (receipt pinner) chose to equate the reprehensible actions of one person with religion as a whole. That sort of blanket generalization is unfair and offensive.” Ironically another Christian pinner states, “Christians as a whole should not be judged by this one woman's actions.” I couldn't agree more!

Now if only Christians would remember this about Muslims, gays, etc. And Muslims would remember this about Christians, Americans, etc. And Americans remember this about Mexicans, welfare recipients, etc.

Well, you get my point.

Post-Election: What would Jesus do?

Today on Facebook, I've seen the worst of people and the best of people as a result of the 2012 presidential election. I am also saddened to have sees good people behave so ugly.  Even Mitt Romney handled his loss with greater aplomb and grace than many of his Christian-based supporters!

I also find it curious that individuals who profess themselves as Christian, that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior, would spew such hatred, then use the excuse that they are not perfect but “Jesus loves me anyway” as justification for spewing such hateful things about an individual s/he doesn't even know. One Facebook post purported that “Satan was re-elected,” then later in a comment states that if that's God's will, it shall be. Is this individual insinuating that God wants the “devil” to run this country? And if it is truly God's will, why make such a post that decries the very outcome of the election in defiance of God? The appearance is that in this instance, the profession of one's self as a Christian is in name only; but that a Christian does not make. The purpose of Jesus' existence and His teachings was so we'd come to understand, live and walk in this life, given to us by His Creator and Father, like Him! This demonstration of hateful piety, and the excuses to justify the hateful behavior falls well short of striving towards the calling question, “What Would Jesus Do.” Additionally, if we are to behave so ugly, judgmental and hateful because we're not perfect, but “Jesus loves me anyway,” then by this argument, we all would be loved, including the very man who was voted president, right? And then according to the original statement, wouldn't this also imply God loves “Satan?” And does the statement “Jesus is my Lord and Savior” imply that by simply saying the words, you are forgiven for such actions and “in” with Heaven, without genuinely living and expressing the spirit of Jesus in your heart, in your actions, in your life?  Last I checked the teachings of Christ, Jesus was a proponent of love, not hatred. If one professes to truly be a Christian, love wouldn't be simply a word thrown around, but an action and a way of being and expressing, no matter how others show up, no matter how things turn out, no matter how any of us disagree with each other. It's not an easy task, and we do falter, as many today did on Facebook, but it is what Jesus invites us to consciously live and to consciously choose in action. The actions and expressions by many self-professing Christians demonstrated a vast contrast to the practice of a true genuine Christian. And what Jesus taught, by the way, was unconditional love, not selective love.

To offset such ugliness on Facebook, I found great appreciation and respect for those who voted for the other guy, and who also expressed their disappointment with the outcome with humility and respect, demonstrating the “higher spiritual road” of their Christian faith. These Facebook posters also accepted this outcome as “God's will” but choose to honoring and supporting that “will” moving forward. Some even chastised fellow disappointed supporters for their blatant show of disrespect for the President. Many stated they would pray for the President, though I cannot personally know what they are praying for; but I would hope that we'd all pray for our entire governmental system, because as easy as it is to make one man the scapegoat for all our country's problems when in fact, one man cannot single-handedly be responsible for the lack of progress these last four years. Polls show growing dissatisfaction with Congress, and its no wonder when everyone from both sides of the aisle are acting like a bunch of kids on a playground at odds with one another. (Hmmm, sounds kind of like Facebook.) These individuals significantly contrast to the vehement Facebook posters by demonstrating the genuine practice and grace of their faith; you could say they are walking and living their talk of Christianity, not just talking the talk of Christianity.

Look, as the one Facebook poster pointed out, we are not always going to show up perfectly, but once we realize we haven't, if we are to “walk that talk” we must turn that ugly side we've shown around and own it.  Own responsibility for the less-than-stellar behavior or choice, realize we showed up less than Christian-like, and be open to looking at ourselves and ask the question, “What would Jesus do?” had He been in this situation. Our task isn't just to profess our belief, it's to LIVE it! Unfortunately, I see far too many hypocrites, (and yes, Jesus does love them) than I do authentic practitioners living the Christ-like life. Their walk isn't mine to judge, these are simply my observations. Their walk is truly between them and God. I simply invite more authenticity, less spewing of hatred and contempt, never mind self-righteous condemnation, in the name of Jesus Christ. I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't do that and wouldn't do that.

As a final note, before placing my personal vote, I decided to let go and let God be present within this election and the outcome. My vote counts, each one of our votes count, but I trust more deeply in God than I do any other human, be s/he a family member, a co-worker, a friend, or the leader of this country. Our faith can be shaken at times, especially when what we want doesn't come to fruition, but its in those times in which true faith and our practice in it is demonstrated. As the country song reminds us, “some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” We can not, may not ever know what would've happen had things gone differently, so we are better served in our relationships with each other, and to our country to work with and support what we've got right now, not what we could've had. God made you, me and both these presidential candidates. How could any of that be wrong?

For My Valentine, Wherever He Is

Over the last few months, I've been developing a deeper relationship with myself, which also deepens my relationship with God, my Creator. The more I unconditionally love and accept myself, the greater and deeper my love for my Maker who felt me worthy of breath, as well as the deeper the well of endless love I have available for another. Loving and accepting oneself doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement, and its through this personal and spiritual development that I deepen my love and acceptance for me. The deeper my love, the greater I am able to express God's love for everyone else, and especially for my Valentine.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I share with you a few quotes about true love, and my thoughts and wisdom to further expand upon these ideals. I use them as reminders, and to shift out of potential whiny self-pity parties common with singles. The quotes remind me I don't need a man in my life to fulfill or complete me (unlike Jerry McGuire's rationale). I do seek a man to experience and travel life together. These past fifteen years have been a journey of achieving this wisdom, experiencing trial and error, and finally becoming very selective in my dating choices. These quotes help me stay on track.

I want to love you, hold your hand, laugh at your jokes, walk by your side, look into your eyes, talk about whatever, and kiss your lips every single day. I love this quote because it reflects a relationship that is about the other person, rather than what we get out of it. Many times we date someone because we need something – to feel complete, to feel loved, to fill a void. Love is about giving, and in the giving, we receive. Unfortunately, many are uncomfortable receiving what we have to give, intimidated by the love we have to offer. My Valentine is open to receiving my love and my devotion.

Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, no pain. This quote is now my mantra for the dating experience because my past history and pattern has been to make it work, fit and happen. The struggle and pain mentioned above is reflected in worry, anxiety, apprehension and doubt, as well as the anticipation of the expected. When it feels natural, easy, graceful, you are in the flow of the experience. Relax and enjoy the moment while practicing non-attachment. Attachment has been my greatest enemy. I remember this quote when I start to shift into what the future looks like, so I may return to surrender and allow the dating process to simply unfold. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

Yes I'm single. You're gonna have to be amazing to change that. This quote reminds me not to settle for anything less than what I deserve. Guilty of this in the past, I won't let myself do it again; that's the selectivity I practice in dating. I posted this quote on Facebook recently with a tongue-in-cheek advertisement for my 2012 Valentine. It occurred to me this quote may scare men off, especially if they don't believe in themselves as having something amazing to offer to another woman. I'm a confident put-together woman who knows what she wants in life, and I need someone who is my equal in that. I've only met two men in my life who made me think, "yeah, I would consider marriage again" because I saw my equal in them. For their reasons alone, they bailed. I've been told my independence and confidence intimidates men, but I'm unwilling to renegotiate who I am for a man. I'm holding out for the one who believes he is worthy of the best I have to offer and to receive my love, just as I believe I am worthy of the best he has to offer and to receive his love.

For all singles out there, I invite you to consider celebrating V-Day and love for self and for others. The more willing we are to love ourselves, the greater our attract-ability of the one Beloved who is our match. If you don't love yourself, or treat yourself and others lovingly, you cannot foster or generate a loving relationship with The One.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Foundation of Friendship

Friendships. Many types of friendships are experienced in one’s life. We have acquaintances in which you know someone with whom you’re friendly but you expend no additional time or energy on them except when your paths cross, or one or the other wants something. Then there are the ever-popular virtual friendships of Facebook. “Virtual” is a great word to describe these connections because most have never met in person, connect electronically via IM chats, and have less depth than those of acquaintances simply by the lack of personal contact. These are safe, low-risk emotional investments because they allow people to be someone they aren’t, or the person they are because they lack the confidence to do so in a live connection. There are “common ground” friendships; these bonding connections share something in common: work, a similar life experience, a person in common, past history, etc. These relationships can have depth and be meaningful as these friendships stand on one shared pillar if both parties are willing to expand the friendship by building other pillars for durability. Then there are those friendships in which “everyone” is your friend; genuine caring and concern is expressed for all to a point. Whether on the giving or receiving end, an instant connection of mutual understanding is felt as two people experience validation for the currently churned up misery, upset or turmoil that is experienced in life. Finally, there are those friendships that feed the participants in some way, either temporarily or long-term: sympathy, empathy, validation, confidence boosts, sense of belonging, victim pity, etc.

Each and every friendship mentioned above is valid and valuable in some way, as long as both individuals within the relationship are getting what they need and want. But are they healthy friendships? Are these supportive friendships that endure the rough seas of life and allow each person within it to grow? Do these friendships honor one’s personal power and authentic self-expression; filled with mutual respect, unconditionally acceptance and love? How deeply rooted in honesty and trust are these friendships?

Strong and healthy friendships are built to last on a foundation of trust, unconditional love and acceptance, honesty, and compassion. Just as a house can endure the elements of stormy weather, a true friendship will sustain itself in good times and in challenges through disagreement, crises, life’s transitional curve balls, and even distance. Foundations of frienships must be tended to with a conscious effort and willingness to do whatever it takes to maintain its fortitude. Just as a house foundation needs pest control to eliminate termites that can leave weak spots, and proper drainage to eliminate erosion around its base, a friendship must also be maintained to ensure that its foundation is not weakened or eaten away with pestilent activity such as demeaning language, dismissive regard for feelings, disrespect, or self-righteousness. These behaviors are the “termites” that will kill the longevity and stability of the foundation of a healthy friendship.

In contemplating friendships, I realized I’d forgotten what true friendship is and that I may have taken such beautiful friendships I have in Colorado for granted. I left behind beautiful people who I proudly call my friends. Together, we shared intimate vulnerabilities of the good, the bad and the ugly of our lives, which brought us even closer together as we recognized our soul connections through our human imperfections in our journey towards personal growth and spiritual healing. We unconditionally accept each other, regardless of our choices and human flaws; we see beyond the external into the beautiful Divine Lights within our spirit. We unconditionally love each other without judgment, criticism or condemnation. Through our shared past mistakes, poor choices, heartaches, regrets and less than stellar performances in this life experience, we connected deeply as we built a solid foundation of friendship based not on the "perfection" in which we project to the world, but rather the imperfections solidified in healing to create a united strength. Through this unified bond, we liberated ourselves and each other from the need to be “perfect” in this Life and world. We ceased living a life of lies as we surrendered our facades of “perfection” to express ourselves genuinely, authentically to each other and to all who were a part of our life. Ever conscious to learning from each other, we looked to the other as the example for authentic expression of the truest depths of our hearts.

For me, these are the friendships I find meaningful and empowering. I cherish and dearly miss my spirited friends. They allow me to be me to express whatever is on my mind, be it the good, bad and the ugly, whether they agreed or disagreed. They step up as true friends and lovingly call me out on my crap when I need it, and vice versa, and yet we unconditionally accept and love each other despite our shortcomings without persecution, judgment or criticism. These friends I trust with my most intimate secrets, my fears, and my dreams. We never cheapen or corrode our friendships with divisive gossip, superficial concern, or self-serving manipulation. We have each other’s backs and unconditionally support each other in whatever paths we choose to travel.

Thank you, Laura, Mary, Deb, Barb, Jane, Maggie, Lynn, Ba, Dena, Jan, Jim, Tami, Kelly, Tana, and Cheri. You and the qualities you bring to our friendship are the bench mark for all friendships in my life. Though we are separated by distance, I know the energetic bond between us lives strong. My love and heartfelt gratitude to you for teaching me what true friendship really means!