Living the Lies of Others

If someone asked you to strip yourself of every label you have – parent, child, co-worker, boss, friend, spouse, church member, etc. - what would be left? We take on and live many roles in our lives in which we wear different facades or masks. But are we being our authentic selves when in these roles? 

Are we living a life that reflects the authentic nature of our true spiritual being,

which is love, peace, creative power, wisdom, beauty, joy, and light?

 

Or are we living a life that authentically reflects false ideas

about who we are, who we are expected to be?

 

Do we live via our acceptance of other people's opinions, rules and expectations of

who we should be, how we should act, the work we should be doing, the lives we should be living?

We all are on a spiritual journey from the day we are born; but most people are not aware of it. Most people are living life in a dream state, completely unaware of their purpose for being in this human experience.  I awakened in my spiritual journey fourteen years ago.  I woke up to the realization that my (our) purpose is to re-member the Truth and Essence of who I am (we are) as a child(ren) of God. I re-membered that my (our) mission in this human experience is to reconnect with that Truth and Essence through the process of healing consciousness. Consciousness means becoming astutely aware of how we live under false pretenses. We live these lies we learned from the influential people in our lives (parents, family, significant others, teachers, etc.), personal experiences, society, media, religion, culture, and from our own incredibly convincing negative self-talk.

What do you believe about yourself?  For decades, I believed I was not worthy of being heard, and that my feelings did not count. I believed that to be loved, I needed a man's validation, beginning with my father, then every boyfriend thereafter. I sought external approval from everyone in my life, because without it I was unwanted and unlovable. I believed that God was “out there” somewhere watching my every move, ready to punish me if I displeased Him. I believed I was fat even when I wore a size 8, and that food was my only reliable comfort and friend. I believed I was incomplete, and looked to everything outside of me to fill that void.

Ever lose something only to realize it was never really lost, but right under your nose the whole time? Little did I know I was never lost, but just looking in all the wrong places to be found!

When we understand that we have adopted, and accordingly lived up to other people's perceptions, ideas, and beliefs as our own, we realize we are not who we think we are! This realization becomes extremely unsettling and uncomfortable. Suddenly, we face a life-changing choice.

Do we step out of our comfort zone and explore who we really are? 

 

Or do we keep chugging along feeling unsatisfied and exhausted

from living up to the false pretenses that others project onto us?

The first choice requires change, and leads to “oh shit” moments of emotional discomfort and purging. Initially uncomfortable, we soon move into the liberation of the immense burdens we carry in the way of guilt, shame, anger, resentment, and grudges. In releasing all the emotional baggage, we feel exposed as the facades of victim, persecutor and/or martyr crack under the healing process. We become keenly aware of how we have given our personal power away to so many people. In this effort towards authenticity, we wrap ourselves with self-love, compassion and forgiveness. Once stripped of all our baggage, we are freed to create the lives that we quietly desire, filled with love, joy, abundance, and peace.

The second choice is easier, more comfortable than change. It keeps us chained to life as we know it, cozy in our cloaks of victim, persecutor, and/or martyr. We remain bogged down, exhausted and drained by the guilt, shame, anger, resentment and grudges. We know what to expect, taking comfort in the belief that the world and life itself works against us. We continue to allow our lives to be run by circumstances, experiences, and events. We steadily move forward against strong winds pushing us back, anchoring us deeper in our belief that we never get ahead in life. We dutifully bear the cross of our emotional baggage, feeling burdened, down-trodden in our lives filled with drama, upheaval, and energy draining chaos.

If you had to choose, which would be more appealing?

When I chose to liberate myself of false pretenses, I willingly conducted a mental inventory of what I thought and believed about myself and everything; and how these showed up through my life's choices, behaviors and actions. Today, I love, respect and believe in myself, and now create healthier love relationships. I laugh with abandon, cry without shame, and I confidently express my feelings without fear of another's disapproval. I validate myself, and believe I offer great value in this world. I know God is ever present within me, guiding me and operating through me as love. I experience human moments and slip now and again; but the difference from ten years ago is that today, I am centered in knowing the Truth and Essence of who I am. When I stumble, I get up, regroup, and I move ahead centered in my authentic self, making new choices, changes that reflect the Truth of who I am. I long ago retired the stick I used to beat myself up.

 

Living authentically is a choice. It takes a great deal of courage to look at our personal stuff, to inventory unproductive belief systems, thoughts, habits, and choices. Even more courageous is the decision to say “I want something different,” and to step into changing how we think, choose and show up in our life. In doing so, we strip ourselves of the false pretenses, and don the Emperor's new clothes to reveal the beautiful authenticity of our Essence to the world. You discover who you truly are, your own personal truth, and embark on a new way of being, living, and showing up in your life.

Are you ready to live a fabulous life of authenticity?

 

Author's Note:  If you are interested in discovering how you may living life under false pretenses, and how to step more fully into your authentic life, you're invited to attend a FREE information session called Infinite Possibilities on Friday evening, August 30, from 6 - 8 p.m. in Owensboro, KY.  For more information and/or to reserve your seat, please contact Carolyn at journeywisdomblog@gmail.com.

The Pricetag for Freedom

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love. I am a whole complex package. Take me, or leave me. . . .Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. ~Stacy Charter

The above statements resonate with me because I've had to stand up in my life and say, "Enough is enough, I am not doing this anymore! I'm not tolerating verbal, emotional or societal abuse because I choose to be who I am, live my life according to my values, and believe in what I deserve in genuine relationships and a genuine life."

Where are you fitting into someone's mold? How are you negotiating who you are in exchange for material goods, security and comfort, or for love and acceptance?

I started standing up for myself in 2003. I was involved in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with a man who was controlling, critical, and angry. When I expressed how I felt, I was shut down, my words taken out of context, manipulated into statements of attack against him when what I expressed were my feelings. My world was a life in which I lived walking on eggshells, never certain how anything I said would be interpreted. In this “loving” relationship, I had to be someone I wasn't; be who he expected me to be, everything from how I washed fruits and vegetables to how I addressed his displeasure about work or family or social issues. I was expected to agree with everything he said, without question, without looking at any of it from the others' point of view. If I did express my thoughts that differed from his own personal perspective or opinion, I was against him, nonsupporting, and failing him as his mate.

It took a while to realize I was not living my life from a place of personal power. Chris Michaels, author of Your Soul's Assignment says, “We all reach that point of authority in our lives – that place where we can no longer stand pretending to be something we're not just to please other people. That is the point of power in our lives – a personal declaration of independence. It's also the point in life where. . . we become less tolerant of others whose only interest is to make us feel bad and wrong.”

I eventually found the courage to leave this relationship. It was a three-year road towards freedom, for my ex continually reappeared, clinging to our connection with humbled apologies and proclamations of true change. His actions showed otherwise as his resentment and the anger festering beneath this facade of humility surfaced quickly. He refused to leave me alone because he was angry: at me for daring to stand up to himself; at himself and his choices leading to the demise of our relationship; at those closest to him in his life who betrayed him, hurt him, caused him pain. I finally freed myself from being a target of blame for his unhappiness. And only until he healed past betrayals, grievances and disappointments would he find the inner peace which he sought in making anyone who challenged his maltreatment and behavior miserable. He felt better about himself by devaluing and demeaning me, which is what bullies do when they are unhappy or insecure. Bullying is abuse in the form of picking on others, bad-mouthing others. Bullies secure sympathy from others, often placing the blame on another for whatever misery they experienced in their life. My ex-boyfriend drew me into this web with stories of his ex-wife cheating on him, how his alcoholic parents abused him verbally and never showed love for him; how co-workers did him wrong, etc. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. In addition to learning how to stand up for my life, I also learned there are two sides to every story.

I feel empathy for my ex-boyfriend, and the road he's traveled, but I don't deserve being his punching bag as a cure or relief from his own miserable life. Just as I have the personal power to make choices that create a better life experience for me, so does he; so does anyone. He eventually got help, and like most people who have a few months of counseling, he believed he was “changed.” This experience in 2003 launched me on an eight-year journey that continues of healing, forgiveness, and rediscovering who I am and my God-given gift of personal and spiritual power. When I let anyone dictate to me who I am, how I should show up and be, what choices I should or shouldn't be making, or how I should live my life, I hand over my personal power to another human being. I cannot control anyone's choices or actions in his or her own life, or even towards me. I can take action to stand up for myself, and walk away on the high road, head held high knowing I do so from a place of authentic truth as a Light of God. My value doesn't come from other people's opinions of me, but rather it comes directly from my connection to God. This holds true for everyone.

It isn't always easy; I lose my footing, I stumble and I fall on occasion. But, when I pick myself up, I understand what tripped me, and I resolve to walk again, more firmly entrenched in God's love for myself, and especially for those who attempt to push me down. We all have our own paths to walk, and we walk them in our own time, at our own pace. I am only responsible for how I show up in my journey's path, and upon crossing the paths of others along the way.

Sometimes, moving forward means leaving others behind, even when we love them deeply. Leaving behind my ex-boyfriend, and others since then, doesn't mean I stopped loving them. They hold a special place in my heart and in my memory. They are wrapped with love and hope that one day they recognize their own personal power to stand more brightly in the Light of God to live a life of spiritual authenticity.