Barry Manilow Saved my Life

 As an adolescent and teen, I was a sad and lonely child feeling misplaced in this world, in this life known as Carolyn Denise Smith.  I realize I may not, and most likely wasn't alone in this feeling but then, at this young age, the world evolved around me because I knew nothing different (despite the best efforts of my parents to remind me of those starving children in Africa). 

In high school, I sank into a deep depression that went undiagnosed for eight years.  This darkness lurked in the shadows of my existence, following me as it still does today.  There are times I experienced joy and happiness, but always close by was the overwhelming sadness and gloom held in the mind of my adolescent self. As I got older, I did well to hide my despair; my sense of worthlessness, unlovability and not belonging.  I felt out of place in this existence into which I was born. I would numb the pain and discomfort of my life with food (the higher metabolic rate has slowed a great deal since then!).  I fantasized being someone else in which people appreciated me because I made a difference in their lives.  I used alcohol as a teen and into my college years to mask the pain, to hold a smile, to bring out "fun carefree Carolyn" if only temporarily.

And I clung with an absolute resolve to Barry Manilow and his music.  While there were lighter tunes, many of his songs held the melancholic tones that comforted me into knowing I wasn't alone.  When I felt numb, I was Trying to Get the Feeling so I may feel, anything.  All the Time I thought there was only me in this state of despair.  The undercurrent of Mandy spoke to my yearning for someone to give, without taking a piece of my heart. I pined for a sense of worthiness to be loved and wondered, is it possible? Could this Be the Magic I needed to feel the Spirit move me, absolve me of the pain I felt?

When I felt my lowest, betrayed by others, I turned to Barry, especially when I considered suicide, which I did many times in my senior year of high school.  Barry Manilow was my life raft, and I clung to his music seeking reassurance that Life Will Go On after the disappointment and heartbreak. Afterwards, I was Ready to Take a Chance Again with life, people, relationships. As Barry said, "I Write the Songs that make young girls cry.  His songs offered me a catharsis that purged the pain and kept me alive, time and again, Barry helped me realize that I wasn't but just One Voice singing in the darkness. With his help, I Made it Through the Rain, and Daybreak greeted me for a new opportunity; new hope. 

My dream to see Barry Manilow came true in June 2013 when he performed in Evansville for the cost of one clarinet (to support The Manilow Music Project).  When he walked onto the stage and started singing, I broke down in tears. He was real. He was my lifeline through the darkest of times, heartbreak and uncertainty of my desire to go on in this life. He helped me make it through and still does, Even Now. 

Thank you, Barry Manilow. This One's for You. 

In Memory of Dad

As many of you may know, we lost our dad October 11.  Dad suffered from Lewy Body Dementia.  His passing was a blessing for him, liberating him from what could be at times a tortured mind.  I thank everyone who has sent prayers, thoughts and messages regarding my dad’s transition.
and Parkinsonism.


Today as I ponder the last week, I'm taken back to six months prior to his passing that my brother suggested we prepare everything for dad’s funeral.  We knew his health was declining as he was steadily losing weight; we did not expect him to pass so soon, but rather during the winter months into 2020.  In preparing for dad’s funeral, I began to create a video memorial to play at the visitation.  This project was a labor of love during this time as I went through countless photos from our childhood, photos of my brother’s albums, and scans of photos on a project I’d worked on a few years earlier.  It involved picking the right photo, the right music, and timing of it all as I pieced it together.

Over the decades dating back to my adolescence years, I remembered dad as “keeping me down”. Ironic since these are the words he used when living at the Carmel Home about the nuns and staff: “They’re keeping me down. I cannot do anything.”  My memory stems from the negative experiences I saved to my brain’s mental hard drive over the years.  Being fussed at for being me (laughing too loud, crying too much), being criticized about how I looked, or for my choices, not living my life the way dad thought I should or would. As a result, I remember needing to please him, working for his approval and/or his love.  I would talk about all the cool things I’m doing or what’s going on, and dad would just sit and listen without much expression.  I have a photo of my showing him my engagement ring and I remember him not being yet again, overly impressed.  He may have said congratulations then threw in some snarky remark in the name of teasing like, “Good luck” to my fiancé.  Dad would take snipes at me when he could, which struck a young gal so eager to please her father in the heart.  Our brain tends to focus on the negative memories, and its amazing imagination will fill in the gaps that help build the story we tell ourselves and others about any negative experience we had.  I realized I focused mostly on the negative experiences of being yelled at, the lack of words or show of support, the criticisms and the many arguments we had while I was a teenager. I perceived him disappointed in me and I focused on how my father had been “keeping me down.”
  

Over the past several months, I experienced a healing with support from therapy, reading books about compassion and resiliency, and while working on the video.  In perusing the hundreds of photos, I came to know and remember my dad in a different light.  Dad was a hard working man that took on many responsibilities outside of his full time swing shift job.  He put food on our table by growing it and raising the beef and pork.  He put a roof over our head, literally building the house from the ground up.  Dad put me through college by raising and working in a tobacco field many summers.  The photos showed many memories of smiles, and even in my baby pictures, you can see him gleaming with love for me.  He was creative, industrious, and even had a softer side to him I’d never known.  I found poems and letters he’d written for and to mom.  I remember crying as I read them because they were words I never heard him speak to me when growing up, but clearly he felt deep in his heart.  I realized that dad parented the way he himself was parented.  I also realized that I became so preoccupied with the negative that I lost sight of the positives in my relationship with my dad.

My healing was liberating once I began to see my dad in a different light that my brain naturally tended to keep in the dark.  I didn’t feel the need to seek his approval, to hear him say, I love you, or make decisions with the thought, “what will daddy think?”  My healing liberated the intense karma between my dad and me and I’ve never felt lighter and at peace around this relationship.  I’m grateful I had the chance to let him know how much I appreciated his hard work and that he was indeed a good father.  I came to feel unconditional love for him and know unconditional love from him in the best way he knew how to give it.

Take a relationship you are struggling with and flip it into the light.  What has been good about it?  What did it teach you? How are you taking away the positives into your own life? Shine Light on it. The not-so-great experiences will fade as you experience the paradigm shift to see it in the Light.  Then give thanks for the blessings and this person and all you've learned.  Find ways to focus on the positive through journaling the good times, looking at photos, or having conversations with mutual friends or family.  Be open and know that no matter the circumstances around the relationship experiences, it serves purpose for your healing, his/her healing, and your spiritual and personal growth and healing.  Jesus recognized the good in all people and never held a grudge against anyone, including his persecutors.  Forgiveness came without fanfare – it just crept slowly in and consumed me gently.  Allow it to do the same for you.

For a peak at the memorial video, please click here.