In Memory of Dad

As many of you may know, we lost our dad October 11.  Dad suffered from Lewy Body Dementia.  His passing was a blessing for him, liberating him from what could be at times a tortured mind.  I thank everyone who has sent prayers, thoughts and messages regarding my dad’s transition.
and Parkinsonism.


Today as I ponder the last week, I'm taken back to six months prior to his passing that my brother suggested we prepare everything for dad’s funeral.  We knew his health was declining as he was steadily losing weight; we did not expect him to pass so soon, but rather during the winter months into 2020.  In preparing for dad’s funeral, I began to create a video memorial to play at the visitation.  This project was a labor of love during this time as I went through countless photos from our childhood, photos of my brother’s albums, and scans of photos on a project I’d worked on a few years earlier.  It involved picking the right photo, the right music, and timing of it all as I pieced it together.

Over the decades dating back to my adolescence years, I remembered dad as “keeping me down”. Ironic since these are the words he used when living at the Carmel Home about the nuns and staff: “They’re keeping me down. I cannot do anything.”  My memory stems from the negative experiences I saved to my brain’s mental hard drive over the years.  Being fussed at for being me (laughing too loud, crying too much), being criticized about how I looked, or for my choices, not living my life the way dad thought I should or would. As a result, I remember needing to please him, working for his approval and/or his love.  I would talk about all the cool things I’m doing or what’s going on, and dad would just sit and listen without much expression.  I have a photo of my showing him my engagement ring and I remember him not being yet again, overly impressed.  He may have said congratulations then threw in some snarky remark in the name of teasing like, “Good luck” to my fiancé.  Dad would take snipes at me when he could, which struck a young gal so eager to please her father in the heart.  Our brain tends to focus on the negative memories, and its amazing imagination will fill in the gaps that help build the story we tell ourselves and others about any negative experience we had.  I realized I focused mostly on the negative experiences of being yelled at, the lack of words or show of support, the criticisms and the many arguments we had while I was a teenager. I perceived him disappointed in me and I focused on how my father had been “keeping me down.”
  

Over the past several months, I experienced a healing with support from therapy, reading books about compassion and resiliency, and while working on the video.  In perusing the hundreds of photos, I came to know and remember my dad in a different light.  Dad was a hard working man that took on many responsibilities outside of his full time swing shift job.  He put food on our table by growing it and raising the beef and pork.  He put a roof over our head, literally building the house from the ground up.  Dad put me through college by raising and working in a tobacco field many summers.  The photos showed many memories of smiles, and even in my baby pictures, you can see him gleaming with love for me.  He was creative, industrious, and even had a softer side to him I’d never known.  I found poems and letters he’d written for and to mom.  I remember crying as I read them because they were words I never heard him speak to me when growing up, but clearly he felt deep in his heart.  I realized that dad parented the way he himself was parented.  I also realized that I became so preoccupied with the negative that I lost sight of the positives in my relationship with my dad.

My healing was liberating once I began to see my dad in a different light that my brain naturally tended to keep in the dark.  I didn’t feel the need to seek his approval, to hear him say, I love you, or make decisions with the thought, “what will daddy think?”  My healing liberated the intense karma between my dad and me and I’ve never felt lighter and at peace around this relationship.  I’m grateful I had the chance to let him know how much I appreciated his hard work and that he was indeed a good father.  I came to feel unconditional love for him and know unconditional love from him in the best way he knew how to give it.

Take a relationship you are struggling with and flip it into the light.  What has been good about it?  What did it teach you? How are you taking away the positives into your own life? Shine Light on it. The not-so-great experiences will fade as you experience the paradigm shift to see it in the Light.  Then give thanks for the blessings and this person and all you've learned.  Find ways to focus on the positive through journaling the good times, looking at photos, or having conversations with mutual friends or family.  Be open and know that no matter the circumstances around the relationship experiences, it serves purpose for your healing, his/her healing, and your spiritual and personal growth and healing.  Jesus recognized the good in all people and never held a grudge against anyone, including his persecutors.  Forgiveness came without fanfare – it just crept slowly in and consumed me gently.  Allow it to do the same for you.

For a peak at the memorial video, please click here.   

Mirror Mirror, Where Did I Go?

Ever looked in a mirror and wonder who is staring back at you?

I turned 54 this past June, and I didn’t even realize it until a month later when a friend pointed this fact out. “What?” I reacted, not believing my ears. I remember going into denial.

“No, I’m not. Really? Oh Shit!”

Flash forward a month. I’m reviewing old VCR tapes my father made of family Christmases, and vacations he and mom too. I find a video of a wedding rehearsal when I was twenty-six.  I watch a slender woman who is preparing for her big day. Her face is flawless, sans wrinkles, puffiness, and dark circles under her eyes.  I breathlessly observe her interact with the people helping to ensure their big day is a success.  She’s focused, healthy and energetic, full of smiles, and joyful as she laughs and makes jokes during what can be a stressful experience.  I find myself asking, who is that woman?

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot over the last year when I look in the mirror, get on a scale, or go to the doctor. I ask myself this question day end and day out as I come home from work exhausted and drained of energy, disinterested in life.

The woman in the video is a woman who’s lived a lot of life.  A marriage and a divorce.  A miscarriage and the realization she’s never to have a child. A move to Colorado and a move back home to Kentucky. Failed attempts at owning a business and self-employment. Several short-lived relationships, and one long-term relationship that broke her heart. Financial hardships, struggles, bankruptcies and a foreclosure. Loss of fur-babies, a mother, and now a father suffering Lewy-Body Dementia. And finally, a sense of let-down by none other than herself.

I suppose the mid-fifties are the “mid-life crisis”?  I thought I had that in my late forties. Yes, I have made some rotten choices, though decisions I felt were in my best interest at the time.  I held on to hopes and dreams far too long when I needed to let them go sooner. I consoled myself with food rather than the comfort of friends or healthier options. I’ve isolated myself when I needed to be surrounded by supportive and loving people.

I am who I am today because of my choices, actions, and decisions; all of which took me down the path of where I am today. We all are the results of our choices, actions and decisions. Today is a day I can implement change, but the daily struggle of changing is real. We fall into the ruts, such as a demanding job that exhausts me, leaving little to nothing left of myself for myself. Exhaustion that leaves me unmotivated and disinterested in my home life and self-care, and feeling anti-social. Heaven is coming home to beagles who are happy to see me, and only need me to open the back door a couple times in the evening and fill their food and water bowls.  They demand so little of me where it feels the rest of the world demands more than I can give.

I realize that I am at choice in how year 55 plays out. A week in Colorado, away from my life offered clarity on who needs to be first on my list of priorities. This concept is foreign to me as I have always been taught to put others first. I have willingly put others first before me. It’s who I am – I believe in service to others. But to what sacrifice?  I lost somewhere along the way the important lesson if taking care of myself.  I came home to serve my parents. I have served people with developmental disabilities. I serve low income families and their children. I serve the staff who serve those families. Sometimes, I want to scream, who’s taking care of me?

But the answer is obvious.  I am responsible for me: my life choices, my actions, my decisions.  I am blessed to have a small support group of friends and family who are there for me, when I need help and ask for it. I am blessed to have a great job that allows me to make a difference in people’s lives. I must remember to take care of me first, so I am in a good place to support others. You know, that

whole oxygen mask thing.

And so, to the young woman in the video I didn’t recognize, I love you. And I know you’re still somewhere within me. You’re smarter and wiser. I just need to find your wide-eyed expectation of great things that lie ahead, even at the age of 54. I call forward the Light and Joy you brightly and willingly shined twenty-six years ago forth to reflect from me as I look into that mirror today. I am receiving you with open arms and cannot wait feel you again.  

Share your reactions to this post in the comment section and let the author know if what she's feeling resonates. Do you recognize yourself in the mirror? Are you finding it hard to shift with the aging process? We are in this journey together!

Coyote, Grasshopper, Meadowlark & Dove Conspire

Animals, insects, reptiles and birds are great teachers for life if we are willing to heed their lessons. Native Americans have long held these creatures with the highest regard as communicators of wisdom. It is believed that when you have an out-of-the-ordinary experience with an animal, it is purposeful to our journey. One may encounter the same animal many times, or once in an unexpected crossing of paths.

In the last two weeks, a Coyote pup, a Grasshopper, a Meadowlark, and a Dove have conspired to present their lessons to me in an "in your face" kind of way. In three out of the four encounters, the creature was dead. I’ve been told that when an animal sacrifices itself in this way, it is so that we may be startled awake to the message loud and clear, and that their sacrifice is worthy of highest honor and respect. While I cringe over their demise, I’m honored by their selfless effort so that I may receive their message of wisdom without fail or waste.

My first encounter was during an early morning country road walk. The coyote pup must've been freshly hit during the night. Coyotes are around but never had I experienced a close encounter or a pup. While annoying to many, coyotes are regarded as teachers and creators. They are playful and very skillful, but too often look for shortcuts to get what they want, making things more complicated than necessary. There was no surprise in my understanding Coyote’s medicine because my impatience tends to “fast-forward” my journey to the end result rather than relax into it with simplicity and trust. I also lose sight of my playful side, becoming bogged by the seriousness of life. The fact that this coyote was a pup further prompts me to reawaken my childlike wisdom in response to the world and its chaos, so that I may move through it with greater poise and adaptive ability. Often as we age, we become less comfortable with and more rigid to change. Coyote invites me to keep things simple, trust in the process and its unfolding, and to rely on my intuitive faculties to adapt and move through the travel of change.

One evening, I was walking down the darkened hallway when I saw something at the baseboard; at first I thought it was a spider but when it jumped upon my closer inspection, I discovered it was a grasshopper in the house! Grasshoppers represent uncanny leaps forward and remind us to get off our haunches and MOVE; to take a chance and leap forward. Often in change, we freeze in fear, thus we take no action. We simply stay where we are and “deal” with whatever isn’t working for us. Grasshopper reassured me that my taking action was positive movement forward. But when taking action, I get impatient with the progress (notice a pattern here?). When we find things aren’t moving or flowing the way it does for others, we may feel we're left standing still while others seem to be making step-by-step progress. The Grasshopper’s long and large hind legs give it the ability to leap the distance twenty time’s it size. Grasshopper’s cameo appearance asks me to not become discouraged in my efforts and to know that there is about to be movement that will carry me forward by leaps and bounds! Grasshopper also finds the “sunny side of the mound” so it enjoys the warmth and Light of the sun, and in doing so, knows when to make its leap. Grasshopper reminds me to stay in the Light v. the Shadow of despair and discouragement, so that I may listen more clearly to my inner voice and know when to make my next move in any area of my life.

The bird was lying on the road’s edge, its form perfect, as if it was asleep. I first saw it while walking Casey one evening, and gave wide berth to keep her from investigating it. I anticipated that by morning a creature of the night would pick it up for its meal. But the next morning, and again later that afternoon, this bird remained in the same place, untouched. I picked it up by his tail feathers to move it into the hedge row that runs parallel to the roadside so its carcass would be left undisturbed by scavengers and car tires. It was then I noticed its bright yellow chest, and realized it was a Meadowlark. Meadowlarks teach the cheerful journey inward and the movement associated with self discovery. Unlike most birds, Meadowlark sings cheerily in flight where other birds sing on a perch. It lives in open meadows which symbolize positive growth and fertility. The Meadowlark offered me the lesson to find joy in going within my Inner Self to find ways to sing within my life’s conditions, and to recognize and remember that every individual event in my life is a part of the greater journey. A conspiring accomplice to Coyote, this bird reminds me that the joy of the quest is not in reaching the destination but rather in the journey itself.

Finally, today, a Dove flew into our patio door so fatally hard it sounded as if someone had thrown a rock. The Dove is my favorite bird, and it saddened me to know of its violent sacrifice to remind me to have peace as I move through this transition of what has been to what shall be. The Dove’s song can be heard throughout the day but is more distinct at dawn and dusk, the “between times” that represents the thin veil between the past and the future. The Dove helps me to remember to use this "in between" time to see the creation process active within my own life. In doing so, I am alerted to remember the promise of my future yet to be seen, while staying peacefully present in each moment of my journey. The Dove is a symbol of peace, and today, sweet Dove reminds me that peace can only be found within, never from anything or anyone outside of me or in the outer world.

The Dove and Meadowlark conspire to teach me that peace and joy are found only through the process of going within (meditation, quiet reflection, prayer, and contemplation of self) to discover that true peace and joy can only be found within. Coyote reminds me that my efforts to move forward need not be complicated, but rather simple, without struggle or drama, and to assert myself in complete trust so that I will, much like Grasshopper, move forward by leaps and bounds as I find my courage on the sunny side of up.

The Vast Pit of the Unknown

There are times in life when everything seems uncertain, and we are, in every way, left in limbo, hanging perilously over a crevice of the unknown. You know this limbo if you have ever lost your job unexpectedly; lost a loved one; pulled up roots and moved to a new town or state; finished an educational chapter in your life(i.e. college, high school) and/or preparing to move into a new career; started a new family; lost a family; divorced; started a new relationship; or collapsed under financial blows, just to name a few. Personally, I am hanging over one of the biggest canyons of the unknown that I’ve ever encountered in my life.

These crossroads are opportunities if we allow them to be; endings and beginnings from which we can learn so much about ourselves and our hearts if we consciously take the time for introspection. These times of limbo are challenging, tiring, overwhelming and frankly, extremely frustrating and unsettling. And yet in that energy, we can productively or unproductively handle ourselves in many different ways. And regardless of anything, how we move through the experience ultimately determines how long we stay stuck in the middle of that crossroad, how well we move out of it, and how easily we manage the next challenge as we move along in our journey. Trust me there are always more crossroads in the journey.

I am currently experiencing a “super-sized” helping of limbo in my life. I stand not just in one crossroad but multiple crossroads that leave me turned around without any sense of knowing what direction to head, never mind what lies before me as options in my journey. As you may have read previously, my mom is dying, and she will be experiencing the ultimate of transitions as she moves into new Life beyond this physical existence. When we the living experience life transitions, we have an opportunity to change our own existence, a new way of showing up in life, a way that expresses more fully, more brightly that Light Within each of us, that who we truly are.

Shamanism is an ancient spiritual practice of indigenous tribes. The Shaman, in many cases, literally experiences a physical death and rebirth, and/or an extreme spiritual death and rebirth through a major life-changing event. Through this experience, the Shaman is said to have greater insight and wisdom of Life that is revered within the tribe. I have moved through what feels like many shamanistic experiences in my life, in which I have felt scrubbed clean of old beliefs, Egoistic perceptions of who I am; such cleansings have led to healing my heart, while simultaneously filling it with love and forgiveness. These experiences, and my work on Self, released old and unhealthy energies of resentment, self righteousness, anger, loathing and bitterness that I held for myself and towards so many others.

Not all of life’s limbos will be extreme; but they may feel like they are as you are in them. Every time I think I’m in my most challenging life transition yet, I am continually amazed at what comes up next, and how much more powerful and challenging it seems to be. How I respond to the transitions impact how well I move through them. And with each experience, I’ve learned to resist less, surrender more, and trust that Divine clarity around the “what next” will be provided in due time. Today, I stand still in the space of time where everything around me spins, seemingly out of control, and there is no sense for me on how I fit into it any of it. My strength comes in standing still, centered in God Within. The surge of the chaotic energies around me leaves me wobbly at times, threatening my Sense of Self and well-being. In those moments, I’m reminded to simply step up my spiritual practices of centering through meditation, self-care and nurturing, to remain an Observer rather than getting sucked into the chaos around me, and to be consciously present in every moment. I’m called to review old baggage and belief systems I have held, decipher them through spiritually-enlightened eyes, and begin a healing process so I may release the past and all lower vibrating energies that go with it. I’m also called to stay out of the future, and to simply be present in the here and now, and find the gratitude with each day, and sometimes in each moment.

And as challenging, frustrating and exhausting as it is to be in this space of such unknowns in all areas of my life, I have to smile. I smile because I know that whatever is on the other side of this super-sized life transition is absolute goodness: joy, love, peace, harmony, abundance, wisdom, and greater creative power. I know I will view life and everyone around me in an even more loving and appreciative way than ever before. I know I will show up more brightly and vibrantly in this world; and that my Light will attract even more goodness, brighten lives, and awaken the spirit within others. How do I know? Because I have spiritually died with each transition, and experienced a rebirth of joy, peace and faith, greater than I’ve known before. The process, if one leans into it with a willingness to have honest and deep introspection, can be beautiful, an exhilarating, and exciting experience that makes all that seemed hard and uncertain through the process melt away and feeling it was worth it.

What I speak of here isn’t a new message; we are always called to step up in a more consciously higher way whenever facing life’s adversities. I’m challenging you to become more conscious in how you manage these experiences, and to spend more time in gratitude and the anticipated glory of whatever is next for you rather than in the victim energies of resistance, anger, upset and resentment. We always feel the latter, its normal so allow those emotions to flow. But don’t “park” your life in these energies, otherwise you risk delaying your arrival at destination “Even Better.”

Oh, and remember, there are many destinations in life’s journey; once you arrive, don’t forget that while it may serve you well, there’s usually another one waiting for you down the road, another “even better.” Sometimes, we may willingly choose to move on; but if we get too comfortable with where we are now, and when Universal timing is right, God may rear-end us into forward motion, forcing us to move on to more Self-awareness and goodness that awaits us.

Love and Light to you all.