In Memory of Dad

As many of you may know, we lost our dad October 11.  Dad suffered from Lewy Body Dementia.  His passing was a blessing for him, liberating him from what could be at times a tortured mind.  I thank everyone who has sent prayers, thoughts and messages regarding my dad’s transition.
and Parkinsonism.


Today as I ponder the last week, I'm taken back to six months prior to his passing that my brother suggested we prepare everything for dad’s funeral.  We knew his health was declining as he was steadily losing weight; we did not expect him to pass so soon, but rather during the winter months into 2020.  In preparing for dad’s funeral, I began to create a video memorial to play at the visitation.  This project was a labor of love during this time as I went through countless photos from our childhood, photos of my brother’s albums, and scans of photos on a project I’d worked on a few years earlier.  It involved picking the right photo, the right music, and timing of it all as I pieced it together.

Over the decades dating back to my adolescence years, I remembered dad as “keeping me down”. Ironic since these are the words he used when living at the Carmel Home about the nuns and staff: “They’re keeping me down. I cannot do anything.”  My memory stems from the negative experiences I saved to my brain’s mental hard drive over the years.  Being fussed at for being me (laughing too loud, crying too much), being criticized about how I looked, or for my choices, not living my life the way dad thought I should or would. As a result, I remember needing to please him, working for his approval and/or his love.  I would talk about all the cool things I’m doing or what’s going on, and dad would just sit and listen without much expression.  I have a photo of my showing him my engagement ring and I remember him not being yet again, overly impressed.  He may have said congratulations then threw in some snarky remark in the name of teasing like, “Good luck” to my fiancé.  Dad would take snipes at me when he could, which struck a young gal so eager to please her father in the heart.  Our brain tends to focus on the negative memories, and its amazing imagination will fill in the gaps that help build the story we tell ourselves and others about any negative experience we had.  I realized I focused mostly on the negative experiences of being yelled at, the lack of words or show of support, the criticisms and the many arguments we had while I was a teenager. I perceived him disappointed in me and I focused on how my father had been “keeping me down.”
  

Over the past several months, I experienced a healing with support from therapy, reading books about compassion and resiliency, and while working on the video.  In perusing the hundreds of photos, I came to know and remember my dad in a different light.  Dad was a hard working man that took on many responsibilities outside of his full time swing shift job.  He put food on our table by growing it and raising the beef and pork.  He put a roof over our head, literally building the house from the ground up.  Dad put me through college by raising and working in a tobacco field many summers.  The photos showed many memories of smiles, and even in my baby pictures, you can see him gleaming with love for me.  He was creative, industrious, and even had a softer side to him I’d never known.  I found poems and letters he’d written for and to mom.  I remember crying as I read them because they were words I never heard him speak to me when growing up, but clearly he felt deep in his heart.  I realized that dad parented the way he himself was parented.  I also realized that I became so preoccupied with the negative that I lost sight of the positives in my relationship with my dad.

My healing was liberating once I began to see my dad in a different light that my brain naturally tended to keep in the dark.  I didn’t feel the need to seek his approval, to hear him say, I love you, or make decisions with the thought, “what will daddy think?”  My healing liberated the intense karma between my dad and me and I’ve never felt lighter and at peace around this relationship.  I’m grateful I had the chance to let him know how much I appreciated his hard work and that he was indeed a good father.  I came to feel unconditional love for him and know unconditional love from him in the best way he knew how to give it.

Take a relationship you are struggling with and flip it into the light.  What has been good about it?  What did it teach you? How are you taking away the positives into your own life? Shine Light on it. The not-so-great experiences will fade as you experience the paradigm shift to see it in the Light.  Then give thanks for the blessings and this person and all you've learned.  Find ways to focus on the positive through journaling the good times, looking at photos, or having conversations with mutual friends or family.  Be open and know that no matter the circumstances around the relationship experiences, it serves purpose for your healing, his/her healing, and your spiritual and personal growth and healing.  Jesus recognized the good in all people and never held a grudge against anyone, including his persecutors.  Forgiveness came without fanfare – it just crept slowly in and consumed me gently.  Allow it to do the same for you.

For a peak at the memorial video, please click here.   

Last Stop: Reconciliation Station

I walked away from a three year relationship a year ago this weekend. I felt peace around the decision, though my heart felt great pain. The love I felt for this man was one I’d not ever felt for any other man. But in my heart of hearts, emotional intelligence knew the relationship wasn’t what it needed to be, nor what I deserved.

Knowing that truth didn’t ease the intense heartache I felt, or the emotions of grief from the loss.

The relationship was a good one – we enjoyed each other’s company and I laughed more often than I ever cried. I was treated well, as the man I love was generous in many ways, supportive and caring. Other than a few times when he felt (I realize in hindsight) cornered into an emotionally uncomfortable situation, he was kind, gentle and respectful towards me with his words. His relationship management choices were not always so respectful toward me and my feelings, but again, with 20/20 hindsight vision, I recognize how some behaviors and actions supported his goal of compartmentalizing v. integrating me and our relationship in his life.

My feelings for him were like none I had ever felt for a man. I loved him unconditionally, despite his unproductive choices and actions in our relationship. The decision to end our three years together was hard given the fact that I love the man. It was a good decision, regardless of my heartache.

For a year leading up to that decision, I struggled with how things were between us, and that we were not heading in the direction I had been repeatedly reassured we were going. Add to that the pink elephant in the relationship: his non-expression of love for me. Year Three opened the blinds to shine the Light of Truth on the situation. Initially, I chose to hide in the shadows for a while, not wanting to see the reality of our relationship. The Light continued to expand and reveal the truth of “what is”, and still, I chose to turn my eyes away, blinding myself, and others with excuses I made for him on his behalf. I argued with myself, claiming that I needed to be more patient. I was just fooling myself and making a fool out of myself. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I knew the truth. Once I chose to face the Light, look more closely at our relationship and the man I love, doubts created the stepping stones I needed to walk toward the hard reality: this man wasn’t that into me, and worse, he and I didn’t really have a future together as he’d led me to believe.

For several months, I questioned him about our future, seeking relief from the glaring light of clarity. There were temporary moments of shade, but the heat of truth burned upon me over and over again. In the month leading up to the perpetual Moment of Truth, I eventually realized I had two choices: miserably continue in a relationship that was real to only one of us, or live in greater self-respect and peace without the man I love.

A year later, I made that difficult choice, and its heartache remains an emotionally wise scar in my memory and heart. Fortunately, the grief and pain are not as intense, and my thoughts are less consumed by the loss, though I think fondly everyday of the man I love. I miss him and his friendship. I’m realizing I can still love him, but just not be in a relationship with him. I’m learning I can share my heart brimming of love with others – my beagles, my family, friends, the children I serve at work, strangers, and most importantly, myself. I’m learning that there are many people in my life who value and appreciate me, my heart and the love it offers. Today, I close in on freedom from any of resentment around this experience. I realize I must find forgiveness for him; and self-forgiveness for allowing myself to love and believe him more than I loved and believed in myself. This I can accomplish through unconditional love for us both.

I recently heard a speaker discuss the difference between reconciliation and resolution. Resolution involves rehashing everything, which I am absolutely uninterested in doing, since I’ve spent an exhausting year doing that. Reconciliation is reconnecting and moving forward without any emotional barriers between two people, leaving the past in the past. I don’t know that I have arrived at Reconciliation Station just yet; but it’s the final stop on the itinerary of this relationship’s journey. Full and unconditional forgiveness is my ticket to this destination. They say time heals all things, but I also know I must willingly dig a little deeper in my heart’s pocket to find that ticket. I know it’s there; I just need a little more travel time to find it.

And for the first time in a year, I’m actually feeling excited about arriving at this next stop, and completing the final leg of this relationship’s journey.

Forgiving Divorce

September 8^th was my wedding anniversary of twenty-three years. That is, had I not divorced.  The memory of this date flittered as an afterthought as I logged the date in my journal that morning. Writing the date felt as uneventful as writing an item on my grocery list. That quiet voice of my Higher Self said, “Yay you,” acknowledging my long journey toward healing the loss of my marriage sixteen years ago. Yay me, indeed!

When we recall a past experience that was less than desirable without the energetic charge of Egoic emotion (sadness, upset, anger, resentment, grudges, blame, loathing, regret, hurt, etc.) as well as without commentary leaning in this emotional direction, we know true healing and peace around it. Yet, the human Ego can fool you!

After my divorce, I boastfully pronounced “I'm good with it,” or “It was for the best,” only to have another burp of resentment, hurt and anger come up later. Over the years, I felt differing levels of emotion about it, yet convincingly brushing them off while simultaneously retelling the woeful story of how my ex abandoned me and our marriage. The Egoic Self really can (mis)lead us into believing we are over whatever and whomever hurt us in the past. Clients will tell me they've forgiven their exes, then spend the next twenty minutes outlining every detail of how their hearts were broken. Consider this a red flag: When we are emotionally engaged in the blow-by-blow account of the telling and retelling our achy-breaky heart story about a former spouse/lover, a past job or boss, a friendship betrayal, a family member who screwed us, or a stranger that dissed us, it is a sure bet we are not over it, much less healed around it and in a place of genuine forgiveness. Furthermore, know that it is the Egoic Self working really hard to not only convince others, but to convince us that our being over it is true. Our sweet Ego means well in protecting us from past hurt. After all, its job is self-preservation in the human experience, doing whatever it can to make us feel better about our life's experiences. The Egoic Self builds brick by brick the wall of avoidance to contain the underlying (and most likely painful) emotion still in need of healing Light and love. But alas, these emotional goblins eventually bob to the surface, especially when a present-day experience triggers unfinished business of past heartache left unhealed.

The process of healing happens differently for everyone. After my divorce, I hosted pity-parties on both my wedding and divorce anniversaries, and every Valentine's Day. The attendees included distinguished guests such as Depression, “Poor me,” “Nobody Wants Me,” Anger, Resentment, and, ever the life of the party, Blame. Over the years, counseling and life coaching eased the intense heartache, which changed the guest list somewhat. Heartbreak celebrities such as Melancholy, Wistful Regret, and Guilt attended later parties. Healing around my divorce happened in many phases, and was often connected to recent relationship breakups that triggered the Egoic emotion commonly associated with the loss of a marriage. Most of my healing work started at the mental and emotional level; however, deeper healing occurred when I began working with my spiritual mentor, and the teachings of Ernest Holmes.

Eight years after signing divorce papers, I experienced a healing breakthrough that liberated my heart. During meditation, I opened myself to greater understanding and healing around the divorce. I breathed deeply, opening my heart completely to spiritual guidance. Suddenly, a quiet voice from Within spoke these gentle loving words: Your husband left you so you may continue on in your journey to be who you are intended to be within this human experience. The message took my breath away, as if someone suddenly opened a curtain to fully reveal truth like I had never experienced it. He agreed to be the bad guy within this soul contract, to leave you and your marriage, because as a creature of commitment, you would never dishonor the “death do us part” vow, and move forward in following your life's intended path and purpose in this journey.

 

Relief and humility flowed through my tears. Understanding flooded my consciousness as compassion poured out me for my ex-husband. I fought hard to keep and save the marriage, for the perfectionist in me could not face the failure and rejection. The insecure and needy little girl inside me did not want to face living life alone, feeling unloved and unwanted. In this new revelation, I felt true peace, and an incredible rush of warm love for my ex-husband like I'd never felt for him before. How difficult it must have been for him to walk away, to honor his part of our soul agreement, as I begged and pleaded through tears to give us another chance. His unwillingness to relent to my pleas forced me into no other choice but to move on with the divorce. In that moment, I felt forgiveness deep within me, revealing the Egoic version of forgiveness for the fraud it is. I felt honored by the unconditional love my ex-husband showed in walking away.  The brick walls of avoidance holding years of resentment, anger, upset, and hurt fell away, allowing healing Light to transform these dark emotions long hidden in my unconscious view. I let go of this leftover baggage that kept me and my spirit weary.  Even my Egoic Self felt relief from this burden. My heart filled with gratitude for my ex-husband, and his support of my journey as a spiritual being in the human experience.

The healing process around my divorced happened in several stages over many years. It varies for everyone, happening on different timetables. How quickly the healing happens depends on how ready and willing we are to let go of our baggage; and to open up to a deeper understanding of the role those involved had at a soul level. Their role supports us in re-membering the spiritual Truth of who we are in the human experience.

If the past haunts your present, you are being invited to step into deeper healing around these ghostly experiences. With support from a spiritual mentor, teacher or coach, and that of our Higher Self, we can rid ourselves of unproductive, limiting baggage through deep spiritual healing work, and know true spiritual peace, not the Egoic knockoff version.

For me, September 8^th is now like any other day. Oh joyful day!

 

A Strong Woman

A Strong Woman. Many have different ideas or definitions about what a strong woman is in today's world. Strength is defined in many different ways: Muscle. Attitude. Status. Religious. Sense of Self. All elude to strength but offer different examples of how strength is demonstrated. Muscle strength is physical; a man or a woman can feel strong if he or she can physically overpower another, be it in an abusive relationship or in sports situation. Attitudinal strength may reflect a self-righteous “in your face” attitude, or a snobby condescending demeanor. Status strength reflects a variety of examples, including economic, financial, career position, even social position. Some feel having more of something - material things, money, influence, or friends in your corner - gives one position of strength to influence over another person or situation. There's religious strength, in which some with their belief doctrine of choice strong arm others into their way of thinking in the name of God, be it through pious judgment, having an “in” with God, or a pious righteousness that God's sword will "right" a situation. And finally, there's the Sense of Self – a concept many give little consideration.

The Sense of Self is an inner knowing of one's personal truth - who she is through and through. She knows her history, her role and responsibility in it, her strengths, her values, her human weaknesses. One recognizes the need to maintenance her sense of self through self-reflection, and is honest in this task, feeling no need to pretend to be someone she isn't. Her heart is open, unconditional, loving, and forgiving. A sense of self is strong because it's light – holding no resentment, no grudges, no self-pity. A strong sense of self affords comfort in one's own skin, flaws and all, and doesn't need to mask anything or be something she's not. A strong sense of self needs nothing outside of itself to feel valued or worthy; she meets her own needs, knows self-love, self-respect, and self-confidence without any outside validation.

The above quote about “A Strong Woman” describes a woman with a strong sense of self. Her principles are clear, those to which she holds herself without expectation of anyone and everyone to follow suit. A strong woman is honest with her emotions and about her own feelings, owning them rather than placing blame on others for experiencing them. With a strong sense of self, a woman opens her heart to healing, accepting responsibility for all her choices made in the past, forgiving herself and all others involved. With this healing, she is capable of feeling deeper love for and acceptance of others, no matter their personal choices or how they show up in her life. Through the healing of past experiences, she gleans wisdom, and when Life throws a curve ball, she digs into the wisdom held in her Sense of Self to find what she needs to manage her way through it towards love, forgiveness and peace again.

A strong woman passionately loves all, standing strong on behalf of those she loves and for herself in the strength of personal empowerment rather than in the overpowering of another. A strong woman's strength is quiet, internal, not the the swing of a sword, the cut of one's tongue or the stepping on or over another. Her inner strength is spiritual, as well as practical. Her strength is soft in its quiet presence within, but strong in its effectiveness. That inner strength allows her heart to open wide and love generously, freely, and deeply. When another attempts to hurt her, this same heart reconciles within itself, forgives, and loves anyway, but now standing stronger in her personal power. Strength is knowing one's own feelings and freely sharing them with others and with herself from the place of "I feel", fearlessly, honestly, genuinely to express one's truth, rather than from the place of "you make me" to hurt, blame, manipulate or coerce another.

Strength is indeed an essence within, a knowing of one self, an empowered sense of self. The Sense of Self takes time to develop; in many ways, it involves a rennovation, a tearing down and a rebuilding if one has suffered many years of heartaches, heartbreaks, carries unresolved grudges and resentments, or is consumed with anger and bitterness. This rebuilding shifts the outwardly swing of the sword, the slaying with words, the explosion of emotion as power to the quieter inner power of knowing, self-confidence, and solidified foundation of truth built with the bricks of values, character traits, principles and standards that support and reflects one's personal presentation of Self in the world.

A strong woman is one who feels deeply and loves fiercely. Her tears flow just as abundantly as does her laughter. A strong woman is soft and powerful. She is practical and spiritual. A strong woman in her essence is a gift to the world.

The Art of Unconditional Love in the Throes of Judgment

This last weekend in Evansville, Indiana, a witness saw someone throw a dog out of a car window into the street which, upon hitting the pavement, was hit by another car and killed. I don’t even know where to begin with this; my emotions overwhelm as tears well in my eyes over such cold-heartedness. So many questions linger in my head: Why didn’t they leave it on the SIDE of the road? Why out a window? Why not leave it at the Humane Society? Of course, in my work, I’m always flipping situations around and turning them inside out – did the witness perceive a throwing out or was it the dog jumped out? Okay, if that was the case, WHY didn’t the car owner stop upon this happening? In my efforts to give any benefit to the doubt to the accused in this situation, I still end up with the assessment that this person is simply careless with Life.

As a dog owner, and one who respects and loves all animals, yes, even bugs (though I draw the line at mosquitoes), stories like this make me ill. I tear up upon seeing or hearing of animal neglect or abuse. That Sarah McLaughlin commercial leaves me in emotional pain and angst; I can not watch it. I feel for people the same way I feel for animals; it's part of my being an Empath and a Sensitive.

Many of you know I am a spiritual teacher that teaches and preaches Unconditional Love; and while I am a spiritual being in the human experience, I am not exempt from having human moments that yield anger, upset, judgment and resentment. It is through these experiences that I stop, tap into my higher consciousness to observe how I’m showing up as a human. From this higher vibrational space, I can then invite that part of me that's a Spiritual Being to shift my Ego into the state of Unconditional Love for others. My friends are sometimes challenged by my approach, believing that I offer way too much benefit of the doubt to others.

But my role as a life coach, spiritual teacher, and energy therapist is to support the healing of others and ultimately that of the world. In order to do that, I must be vigilant and proactive in “healing” within myself any negative attitudes and energy that pop up during my human experience: whether it’s disappointment in others and how they show up within business, social or romantic relationships; how I fail to show up for others AND myself, and/or; in my own choices, actions, or inaction. If I’m teaching Unconditional Love and Forgiveness, I must practice what I preach, and become an Observer of how my Human Ego shows up in these situations. Unfortunately, I know and witness many that proclaim themselves as spiritually enlightened and/or religious and spiritual leaders and role models who fail to “check” their Ego when in the throes of a human experience. So when I found myself incensed about this dog incident, I spewed upset and anger. I knew then I needed to take a step back out of Ego-driven judgment. It’s okay when we feel these things; but it’s not okay to function within this Ego energy in judgment, condemnation, assumptions, and criticism of others.

To step out of this Ego state, I breathe, in this case, REALLY DEEP, and remember the Truth that We Are Deeply One. In times like this, or when we are challenged by loved ones, rude or seemingly insensitive or selfish strangers, we must always, always remember that God runs through it, regardless of the outpicturing of the circumstances. This concept can be a real stretch. But we must always turn the situation around so that we are in the other person’s shoes; when this is challenging, it's our Soul's inner call to look more deeply within ourselves at what is in need of healing. Even when the actions of others defy our grasp of comprehension, we must move more consciously and quickly into inquiry and understanding rather than into judgment and persecution. If we are Deeply One in God, we are only judging and persecuting ourselves; so what is it about others' actions that strike the chord within? Assumptions only misconstrue our own perception of Reality, and incorrectly assumes another's Truth without an understanding of "what is." Asking questions doesn’t imply we are condoning choices, but rather allows us to see situations from a higher and broader level of Consciousness.

While it may appear I am trying to find an excuse for this unkind human being, I’m simply asking questions out of inquiry rather than judging out of assumption so that I may understand why: Why someone would do such a callous thing to a helpless creature? Regardless of the answers, the choice, the action in and of itself is not condonable, and fortunately, we have human laws, although weak ones, that address such actions. This individual must be held accountable, if only to teach him/her/them as well as our entire community that animal cruelty is not acceptable. Our society and its laws aren’t the best at teaching respect for life, but we must have faith in humanity – it is evolving but it starts with us, our own healing, and in that process, finding and showing unconditional love and offering forgiveness for others and ourselves. The bottom line is we are all in this Human Experience together; and as such, we must practice less of the Ego-driven outbursts of upset and judgment, but more of the mantra, “Deeply We Are One.” Personally for me when I think about this incident, I am saying this Truth a lot.

One final thought for consideration: Dogs are the greatest teachers of Unconditional Love. Had this dog survived, it most likely would've accepted its handler with "open paws," so to speak. Amazing but true; so there's no coincidence of God being present in and through this horrific situation, and using one of Its finest creatures to teach us this lesson of Truth.


This blog post is dedicated to Casey and Belle, my greatest teachers of Unconditional Love for fifteen years.

Understanding Conditional Love and Unconditional Love

Are you truly open to forgiveness and healing? I have a friend who, after many efforts to mend the fence with another mutual friend, is continually getting rejected for her efforts, and being accused of being hateful. In the same breath of criticism and judgments, our mutual friend professes “love” for my friend who has repeatedly attempted to extend the olive branch. Now, help me out here: if one truly has love in one’s heart, would one continually respond to efforts of healing with belligerent accusations and a complete unwillingness to accept repeated apologies, therefore, withhold forgiveness? Is this truly an expression of love?

Technically,no. This expression is one of conditional love, upon which one renders love on the condition that another shows up how one wants that person to show up. The Master Teacher taught unconditional love, as well as forgiveness. As Jesus hung on the cross gasping his last breath, he asked of his Maker, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Chewing someone out and in another breath claiming love for that very person you are “putting” into place in the name of self-righteousness, is not Christian, spiritual or unconditional. This proclamation of love is a lie, and setting forth conditions. Holding grudges, hanging on and spewing resentment and grievances does not exemplify any kind of love Jesus taught. It is simply an expression of Human Ego, wounded, self-serving, misery-creating and self-righteous Ego energy.

Refusal to accept another’s apology may not be easy upon first blush; in fact, it is understandable that one may need to “lick the wounds” of hurts inflicted, intentionally or unintentionally, by another. However, when we choose to lick that wound raw, and feed it with growing disdain, resentment and anger towards the other person, and even dragging others into the cause to fuel our “victimization,” this demonstration takes one into the opposite direction of God; some may liken it to the work of the Devil. It is simply the Human Ego, hurt and unhealed from many past hurts, taking over and running the show of one’s life. If misery abounds in one’s life, you can guarantee that Ego is in the driver’s seat, not God. We create our own reality, and it can be created unconsciously or consciously. When the Human Ego is in charge, we are usually living this life unconsciously, not realizing how we are showing up. How are we handling the situation? Are we open to the possibility of healing? To resolving the conflict? Or are we fueling it with our words, unproductive accusations, and falsehoods? Are we lying to ourselves as well as to another? If we can learn to stop, and truly and honestly evaluate how we are behaving, we can begin the process of awakening. If there is any indication of hurt, anger, resentment, even hard feelings in the mildest form, we are in Human Ego, and we are still in need of healing.

The good news is that we do not need the other person with whom we are at odds to do our healing work. If everyone on the planet disappeared tonight, you could still render forgiveness to others as well as to yourself. Not everyone is willing to participate in this healing process; sometimes, we may choose not to involve the other person if it places us at risk of verbal, emotional or physical abuse. But we can find resolve within ourselves and experience a healing process that releases the other person to his or her own journey, however he or she wishes to travel it. Healing begins first and foremost within us, and healing isn’t lip service; it’s that genuine energetic sensation in one’s heart that says, I love you no matter what you say, how you show up. It is unconditional love laced with forgiveness, so that if you ever were to run into that someone again, you can in sincerity and without a bat of the eye say “hello,” and hold him or her in the highest vibration of love, regardless of their response.

If you are bitter towards another, you have not fully rendered forgiveness. If you are still talk smack about someone, lashing out periodically towards him or her because you need to put him or her in his or her place, you are not living in unconditional love and forgiveness. And as such, you have not experienced the true healing, nor practicing that which were the two greatest lessons taught by a Master Teacher who walked upon this Earth.

Loving No Matter What

When people we love hurt us, we naturally feel anger, upset and disappointment. Yet we must understand and recognize that despite how they are showing up, they are doing their very best, the best that they can in these moments and circumstances from which they are living in the human experience. It is in this understanding that we are demonstrating unconditional love, for we accept their best efforts of love, no matter how it shows up.

Unconditional love does not mean that we must endure repeated heartache and disappointment, nor does it mean we must tolerate intolerable behavior, abuse or neglect. We are responsible for setting and honoring our own boundaries around what we deserve in friendships, family, work and romantic, any relationships of any kind. But understanding others through unconditional love, no matter how they show up, allows us our process of healing through forgiveness. Of course, we will be less than perfect at times in our relationships, being angry, hurt, and disappointed, all emotions which we must experience prior to the shift towards forgiveness. Grudges and resentment serves only to hold ourselves hostage in suffering; telling our victimization stories over and over to anyone who will listen, talking “smack” about the other person, and hurtful actions and/or words towards the other person in fear of vunerability, emotional breakdown and insecurity fail to move us forward in healthy healing.

In the grace and generosity of unconditional love, we can become more understanding and honoring of those that hurt us and the path upon which they travel. With conscious effort, we can feel gratitude for the experience, both of the pleasant moments of the relationship, and those less enjoyable that offer valuable teaching opportunities about who we are and how to move forward more productively. This task is challenging for we naturally move towards the negative aspects of the experience, supported by friends and family members who will feed such a perspective. While it is important to express those feelings, it’s also important we not wallow in the upset OR hold ourselves hostage within it. We must keep our heads above the quicksand and pull ourselves out of it so we can move forward with the intention of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t lip service but genuine energy flow of love for self and the other person despite the circumstances. With time and conscious effort, honest self-evaluation and a willingness to unconditionally honor another’s path, regardless of what we wanted and the resulting circumstances, we can begin the process towards healing in higher love and genuine forgiveness.