Forgiving Divorce

September 8^th was my wedding anniversary of twenty-three years. That is, had I not divorced.  The memory of this date flittered as an afterthought as I logged the date in my journal that morning. Writing the date felt as uneventful as writing an item on my grocery list. That quiet voice of my Higher Self said, “Yay you,” acknowledging my long journey toward healing the loss of my marriage sixteen years ago. Yay me, indeed!

When we recall a past experience that was less than desirable without the energetic charge of Egoic emotion (sadness, upset, anger, resentment, grudges, blame, loathing, regret, hurt, etc.) as well as without commentary leaning in this emotional direction, we know true healing and peace around it. Yet, the human Ego can fool you!

After my divorce, I boastfully pronounced “I'm good with it,” or “It was for the best,” only to have another burp of resentment, hurt and anger come up later. Over the years, I felt differing levels of emotion about it, yet convincingly brushing them off while simultaneously retelling the woeful story of how my ex abandoned me and our marriage. The Egoic Self really can (mis)lead us into believing we are over whatever and whomever hurt us in the past. Clients will tell me they've forgiven their exes, then spend the next twenty minutes outlining every detail of how their hearts were broken. Consider this a red flag: When we are emotionally engaged in the blow-by-blow account of the telling and retelling our achy-breaky heart story about a former spouse/lover, a past job or boss, a friendship betrayal, a family member who screwed us, or a stranger that dissed us, it is a sure bet we are not over it, much less healed around it and in a place of genuine forgiveness. Furthermore, know that it is the Egoic Self working really hard to not only convince others, but to convince us that our being over it is true. Our sweet Ego means well in protecting us from past hurt. After all, its job is self-preservation in the human experience, doing whatever it can to make us feel better about our life's experiences. The Egoic Self builds brick by brick the wall of avoidance to contain the underlying (and most likely painful) emotion still in need of healing Light and love. But alas, these emotional goblins eventually bob to the surface, especially when a present-day experience triggers unfinished business of past heartache left unhealed.

The process of healing happens differently for everyone. After my divorce, I hosted pity-parties on both my wedding and divorce anniversaries, and every Valentine's Day. The attendees included distinguished guests such as Depression, “Poor me,” “Nobody Wants Me,” Anger, Resentment, and, ever the life of the party, Blame. Over the years, counseling and life coaching eased the intense heartache, which changed the guest list somewhat. Heartbreak celebrities such as Melancholy, Wistful Regret, and Guilt attended later parties. Healing around my divorce happened in many phases, and was often connected to recent relationship breakups that triggered the Egoic emotion commonly associated with the loss of a marriage. Most of my healing work started at the mental and emotional level; however, deeper healing occurred when I began working with my spiritual mentor, and the teachings of Ernest Holmes.

Eight years after signing divorce papers, I experienced a healing breakthrough that liberated my heart. During meditation, I opened myself to greater understanding and healing around the divorce. I breathed deeply, opening my heart completely to spiritual guidance. Suddenly, a quiet voice from Within spoke these gentle loving words: Your husband left you so you may continue on in your journey to be who you are intended to be within this human experience. The message took my breath away, as if someone suddenly opened a curtain to fully reveal truth like I had never experienced it. He agreed to be the bad guy within this soul contract, to leave you and your marriage, because as a creature of commitment, you would never dishonor the “death do us part” vow, and move forward in following your life's intended path and purpose in this journey.

 

Relief and humility flowed through my tears. Understanding flooded my consciousness as compassion poured out me for my ex-husband. I fought hard to keep and save the marriage, for the perfectionist in me could not face the failure and rejection. The insecure and needy little girl inside me did not want to face living life alone, feeling unloved and unwanted. In this new revelation, I felt true peace, and an incredible rush of warm love for my ex-husband like I'd never felt for him before. How difficult it must have been for him to walk away, to honor his part of our soul agreement, as I begged and pleaded through tears to give us another chance. His unwillingness to relent to my pleas forced me into no other choice but to move on with the divorce. In that moment, I felt forgiveness deep within me, revealing the Egoic version of forgiveness for the fraud it is. I felt honored by the unconditional love my ex-husband showed in walking away.  The brick walls of avoidance holding years of resentment, anger, upset, and hurt fell away, allowing healing Light to transform these dark emotions long hidden in my unconscious view. I let go of this leftover baggage that kept me and my spirit weary.  Even my Egoic Self felt relief from this burden. My heart filled with gratitude for my ex-husband, and his support of my journey as a spiritual being in the human experience.

The healing process around my divorced happened in several stages over many years. It varies for everyone, happening on different timetables. How quickly the healing happens depends on how ready and willing we are to let go of our baggage; and to open up to a deeper understanding of the role those involved had at a soul level. Their role supports us in re-membering the spiritual Truth of who we are in the human experience.

If the past haunts your present, you are being invited to step into deeper healing around these ghostly experiences. With support from a spiritual mentor, teacher or coach, and that of our Higher Self, we can rid ourselves of unproductive, limiting baggage through deep spiritual healing work, and know true spiritual peace, not the Egoic knockoff version.

For me, September 8^th is now like any other day. Oh joyful day!

 

Colorado or Bust

In the year and half after my divorce, I was a broken woman. My heart ached, my soul lost, I numbly went through my life as a new single struggling to keep her head above water. In addition to a relationship change, I also had a living change (two to be exact) and a job change. Yeah, when I do change, I do it big, or so it seems. Looking back, a lot happened in a short amount of time, climaxing into the biggest change post-divorce at the time: a move to Colorado.

The manner in which I made this decision still amazes and amuses me today knowing all I know about God's divine and intuitive guidance. Early October 1999, over a year after the divorce, I attend a business seminar hosted by Toyota in Georgetown, KY; or so I thought. This gathering actually was a women's conference about, well being a woman in a professional world. Lily Tomlin was guest speaker, and breakout sessions offered tips for well-being and balance. Up until this point since the divorce, I lived life numb. My spirit, heart and I felt no passion or excitement about my life. I simply got up each morning, went to work, and on the weekends, isolated myself in my apartment. I had no goals, no desire, no purpose. Until I attended this women's conference.

One seminar, facilitated by a then-not-so-well-known life coach named Rhonda Britton, stirred my soul, waking me within as if lighting afire dry brush laying brittle inside me. Rhonda challenged our group with one question: “What one thing would you do but haven't because you are afraid?” The moment she asked it, something snapped within my mind as if a vault of ideas opened. One thought escaped and resounded in my head. I want to live in Colorado. A flood of memories downloaded as I recalled a vacation taken years earlier in 1994 in Colorado to visit two cousins; how I fell in love with the mountains and the state, and; how I was fired up and ready to move back right then. I didn't because my ex-husband was rooted in Kentucky with his family business, and truthfully he didn't want to move. So I'd locked away the idea and forgot about it. I also remembered I briefly considered fleeing to Colorado during the divorce process but didn't thanks to a little voice gently guiding: Not now. You need to be close to home, family, support. End of mental discussion.

In that moment at this conference, and every moment thereafter, Colorado weighed on my heart and mind, so much so I immediately began researching the area, the cost of living, job opportunities, etc. The more I thought about it, the more it felt right; however, my head challenged this crazy idea. What? Leave Kentucky? Go where you know no one? (My cousins had since moved elsewhere.) So I grappled, argued with myself about this move. I wanted to go but I was stuck in fear. I knew it, so I asked my Higher Power for guidance. I asked for a clear cut sign that would let me know in no uncertain terms I was suppose to make this move. It felt right, but it was bold, was I ready? Could I do this? I had doubt. In hindsight, I realize I'd lost my fearlessness of taking risks, going for what I wanted. I wasn't trusting my passion.

The first sign bluntly appeared immediately. I started seeing Colorado license plates all over Lexington! Never seeing one before, I suddenly saw several within a week. Hmm. Okay, I said, I think that's my sign, but just to be sure, give me one more so I know for sure this isn't a coincidence. I didn't trust God, my intuition, or my gut, and well, given what all I'd gone through post-divorce, it was understandable. So I waited for my sign: the Dixie Chicks song,Wide Open Spaces. This song suddenly played constantly on the radio, everytime I was in the car! A fairly new song, I never noticed it until one day coming home from work. And upon listening to the words for the first time, I thought, That's me!

I'm still unconvinced despite two requested and granted signs, so I asked for ONE more sign, promising myself if I got this one, I'd know I was suppose to take the plunge. While I knew in my heart I was suppose to go, my head still wasn't on board. Now, it's late October, and I am walking my dogs in my neighborhood. A beautiful fall day in which the air was crisp and cool, reminded me of Colorado's weather during my visit – no humidity, sunshine. As my girls and I walked along, I looked off to the sky and “saw” mountains. The clouds were low on the horizon, and shaped like the mountains, peaks and valleys off into distance, and in that instant, for what felt like minutes, I felt what I call an “out of body” experience in which I was transported to Colorado. I was in Colorado in that moment, walking my dogs. It felt good; it felt real to me, and it was then I decided and knew:  Yes, I'm going to Colorado. And so I began planning, saving money, researching jobs, making professional contacts, etc. Six months later, I loaded most of what I owned into a storage unit, and what I could in my car and headed West, to wide open spaces.

This new journey marked the beginning of my journey to self-discovery and self-healing. At the time, I knew there was something or some reason I was suppose to go to Colorado, but what or why, I did not know. I just followed my heart for the first time in a long, long time at that point in my life. And my life forever changed as I began the long road to healing. Not just from my divorce, but from lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, and sense of self. Healing of past heartaches, disappointments, and unproductive choices. Healing that led to me finding myself, my life's purpose, and discovering who I really am for the first time in my life.