Forgiving Divorce

September 8^th was my wedding anniversary of twenty-three years. That is, had I not divorced.  The memory of this date flittered as an afterthought as I logged the date in my journal that morning. Writing the date felt as uneventful as writing an item on my grocery list. That quiet voice of my Higher Self said, “Yay you,” acknowledging my long journey toward healing the loss of my marriage sixteen years ago. Yay me, indeed!

When we recall a past experience that was less than desirable without the energetic charge of Egoic emotion (sadness, upset, anger, resentment, grudges, blame, loathing, regret, hurt, etc.) as well as without commentary leaning in this emotional direction, we know true healing and peace around it. Yet, the human Ego can fool you!

After my divorce, I boastfully pronounced “I'm good with it,” or “It was for the best,” only to have another burp of resentment, hurt and anger come up later. Over the years, I felt differing levels of emotion about it, yet convincingly brushing them off while simultaneously retelling the woeful story of how my ex abandoned me and our marriage. The Egoic Self really can (mis)lead us into believing we are over whatever and whomever hurt us in the past. Clients will tell me they've forgiven their exes, then spend the next twenty minutes outlining every detail of how their hearts were broken. Consider this a red flag: When we are emotionally engaged in the blow-by-blow account of the telling and retelling our achy-breaky heart story about a former spouse/lover, a past job or boss, a friendship betrayal, a family member who screwed us, or a stranger that dissed us, it is a sure bet we are not over it, much less healed around it and in a place of genuine forgiveness. Furthermore, know that it is the Egoic Self working really hard to not only convince others, but to convince us that our being over it is true. Our sweet Ego means well in protecting us from past hurt. After all, its job is self-preservation in the human experience, doing whatever it can to make us feel better about our life's experiences. The Egoic Self builds brick by brick the wall of avoidance to contain the underlying (and most likely painful) emotion still in need of healing Light and love. But alas, these emotional goblins eventually bob to the surface, especially when a present-day experience triggers unfinished business of past heartache left unhealed.

The process of healing happens differently for everyone. After my divorce, I hosted pity-parties on both my wedding and divorce anniversaries, and every Valentine's Day. The attendees included distinguished guests such as Depression, “Poor me,” “Nobody Wants Me,” Anger, Resentment, and, ever the life of the party, Blame. Over the years, counseling and life coaching eased the intense heartache, which changed the guest list somewhat. Heartbreak celebrities such as Melancholy, Wistful Regret, and Guilt attended later parties. Healing around my divorce happened in many phases, and was often connected to recent relationship breakups that triggered the Egoic emotion commonly associated with the loss of a marriage. Most of my healing work started at the mental and emotional level; however, deeper healing occurred when I began working with my spiritual mentor, and the teachings of Ernest Holmes.

Eight years after signing divorce papers, I experienced a healing breakthrough that liberated my heart. During meditation, I opened myself to greater understanding and healing around the divorce. I breathed deeply, opening my heart completely to spiritual guidance. Suddenly, a quiet voice from Within spoke these gentle loving words: Your husband left you so you may continue on in your journey to be who you are intended to be within this human experience. The message took my breath away, as if someone suddenly opened a curtain to fully reveal truth like I had never experienced it. He agreed to be the bad guy within this soul contract, to leave you and your marriage, because as a creature of commitment, you would never dishonor the “death do us part” vow, and move forward in following your life's intended path and purpose in this journey.

 

Relief and humility flowed through my tears. Understanding flooded my consciousness as compassion poured out me for my ex-husband. I fought hard to keep and save the marriage, for the perfectionist in me could not face the failure and rejection. The insecure and needy little girl inside me did not want to face living life alone, feeling unloved and unwanted. In this new revelation, I felt true peace, and an incredible rush of warm love for my ex-husband like I'd never felt for him before. How difficult it must have been for him to walk away, to honor his part of our soul agreement, as I begged and pleaded through tears to give us another chance. His unwillingness to relent to my pleas forced me into no other choice but to move on with the divorce. In that moment, I felt forgiveness deep within me, revealing the Egoic version of forgiveness for the fraud it is. I felt honored by the unconditional love my ex-husband showed in walking away.  The brick walls of avoidance holding years of resentment, anger, upset, and hurt fell away, allowing healing Light to transform these dark emotions long hidden in my unconscious view. I let go of this leftover baggage that kept me and my spirit weary.  Even my Egoic Self felt relief from this burden. My heart filled with gratitude for my ex-husband, and his support of my journey as a spiritual being in the human experience.

The healing process around my divorced happened in several stages over many years. It varies for everyone, happening on different timetables. How quickly the healing happens depends on how ready and willing we are to let go of our baggage; and to open up to a deeper understanding of the role those involved had at a soul level. Their role supports us in re-membering the spiritual Truth of who we are in the human experience.

If the past haunts your present, you are being invited to step into deeper healing around these ghostly experiences. With support from a spiritual mentor, teacher or coach, and that of our Higher Self, we can rid ourselves of unproductive, limiting baggage through deep spiritual healing work, and know true spiritual peace, not the Egoic knockoff version.

For me, September 8^th is now like any other day. Oh joyful day!

 

God's Got Your Back - Let Go(d)

Ever focus so intensely on an event or a project in your life that when it was over,

you suddenly felt out of sorts? Confused? Even lost?

My focus the first five months of 2013 centered on seeing my dad through the selling of his home and belongings, and moving him into a personal care home. Having completed that, I suddenly felt disoriented in my life. I experienced a restless feeling as I faced the daunting question, “What next?”

It was an exciting, yet frightening time. My soul leapt with joy at the infinite possibilities of creating a new adventure in my life. My Egoic Self kept saying, “Oh, shit!”   In time, and with meditation, I relaxed into trusting that clarity would make itself known. One day while meditating, I saw before me a blank canvas: fresh, white and ready to be painted. In one corner I saw my father, reminding me of my commitment of service to him through his final years.  The rest was empty, yet filled with so much potential for abundance and possibilities.

“That's it?” my Egoic Self whined. Ever the doer in action, the Overachiever in me began chomping at the bit to fill in the blank space. The brainstorm of ideas popped as my Gemini mind raced in hundreds of directions. A quiet loving request from Spirit Within asked me to be patient (the Life lesson at that time) and allow myself to be open, to relax in the moment and into the flow of Universal possibilities. With deep breaths, my Egoic Self agreed to be comfortable with the uncertainty, and to trust it was temporary.  Within my meditative space, clarity slowly revealed the message loud and clear: “Write. It's time to take your writing to the next level.” I wasn't surprised, but a sudden moment of fear seized me as my Egoic Self started her familiar mantra of  “oh shit, oh shit, OH shit!” again.

 

She really cracks me up sometimes!

I've been writing since I was a little girl. In meditations, I've seen myself as a published author read by millions, and my speaking to crowds who come to hear me speak about my books. This startling vision first appeared in 2006. Ten years earlier, a psychic reading revealed I needed to take my writing more seriously. The messenger asked (through my reader) why I wasn't writing more. At the end of 2008, I stepped into writing by starting this blog. Little did I realize how opening that creative channel would serve as a therapeutic outlet for me while my mom was dying. I believe everything happens in Divine timing; and now, my Higher Self gently informed me its time for my writing fingers to hit the keyboard.

God always knows what we need, and provides us with whatever we need as long as we believe it and are open to receiving. A few weeks after clarity revealed itself, an article about an upcoming Christian writer's conference in Elizabethtown was in our local paper. “Well, how about that!” my Egoic self said in awe. I signed up for the Saturday portion of the weekend conference. Boy, did I come to realize there is a whole lot more to writing and getting published!  After breathing into a brown paper bag to recover from information overload, I had clarity on what I needed to do next.  If I wanted to be taken seriously as a writer, and be published, I needed to hone my craft.  Alas, I stumbled across a delightful book about the nuts and bolts of good writing.  I also find a fabulous email subscription that sends invaluable daily writing tips. Thank you Spirit! The hungry writer within me feasted on this newfound information.

  

Two weeks later, I stumble across another newspaper article about a writers' group that meets at the library. “Well, if that don't beat all!” my Egoic Self thought in amazement. I inquired about the group, and attended the first meeting.  I received positive and constructive feedback on a piece I wrote for this very blog.  I also met a fellow writer and kindred spirit ready and willing to offer support!

A few weeks later, a friend shares the business card of a local woman who owns an international company that offers up-and-coming authors support!  Additionally, she provides a platform upon which authors may receive meaningful feedback on their books designed to boost publishing success. “Holy cow and WOW!” my Egoic Self says, finally convinced that all is in Divine order.  I meet this gal next month.

Now I have to write that book!! I never believed in writer's block until recently when the flow of words seemed to go dry. With both human and divinely-guided nudges, I finally sat down and made myself write. Anything! The block broke, and the words are flowing again. During my silent retreat, my inner guidance asked me to write thirty minutes a day, or four hours a week. So far, I've met that request, and am mainly writing for this blog.  I also write those words that ring in my head at 3 a.m. in the morning!   I am patiently waiting for clarity around the outline, the content I'm to write for my book. I have many ideas, not unusual for the Gemini brain.  I relax in the knowing that I am the conduit for the Divine, channeling the written word for my blog.  So shall I trust and know the Divine guidance for my book. I simply wait again for clarity, trusting that God knows what I need and will provide it when its time.

Once we align our Soul with our passion; make the commitment to fulfill it; and then, fully commit to it in Spirit, thought, emotion, and action, God provides whatever we need to move us along in making it a reality. We only need to relax into the flow of Universal Spirit.  We also must recognize and participate in the Divine-supplied opportunities when they appear. The opportunities I describe above found their way to me. I simply set the intention, and opened myself to receive God's touch and winks, which reassure me I am on the right track.

 

 

 

When we relax in the Divine knowing, and trust God has our back

in support of our highest vision and dream,

we give the Universe room to work magic and miracles in our lives.

 

Author's Note:  If you are interested in discovering how to align your spirit, thoughts, feeling and choices so that you are stepping more fully into living your authentic life and desires, you're invited to attend a FREE information session called Infinite Possibilities this Friday evening, August 30, from 6 - 8 p.m. in Owensboro, KY.  For more information and/or to reserve your seat, please contact Carolyn at journeywisdomblog@gmail.com.

In Silence with the Monks

The first five months of this year was noisy. The hubbub of supporting my dad during the selling and closing of the home place. The cacophony of planning, coordinating, organizing and marketing an estate sale, finding my own place, and moving personal belongings strewn between my dad's and a storage unit. The din of a hectic work schedule demanding 100% of everything I had during February and March. The clamor of moving my dad into my place, then six weeks later into the Carmel Home. The racket of unpacking, sorting, de-cluttering, figuring out what goes where, what gets donated, and how to make it all fit.

When it was all said and done, I needed a break.

 

With intuitive guidance, and God knowing what I needed before I did, I scheduled back in January a silent retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Bardstown, KY for Memorial Day weekend. By the end of May, I needed time away from what had been my life the past five months. Every part of me knew I needed it mentally, emotionally, spiritually, even physically. I was exhausted in every way.

Ahhhhhh, the quiet, the peacefulness, the beautiful crisp air and sunshine, and the silence. The silence was the best. I spoke to no one, and no one spoke to me. I cut myself off from the world, my laptop, and my cell phone. Armed with a journal and a book called the “Power of Patience,” I temporarily escaped my responsibilities to spend a long weekend with the monks to figure out the “what next” in my life.

Gone was the noise of my to-do list. Gone was the phones ringing at work, people asking me to be here or there. Gone was the sounds of my Egoic Self yammering about what I should be doing, could be doing, or had to do still. My mind, body and spirit listened to the sounds of countless song birds singing their joy. I listened to the wind blowing through the tulip poplars, catalpas and majestic oaks. I tuned in to the whirring and buzzing of insects busy being bugs.

 

And I heard my own inner voice again.

In the three days and four nights of silence,

• My Egoic Self confessed and expressed its grief around saying farewell to my childhood home, and that physical connection to my mom.
• My Soul reaffirmed my love for my father, and my devotion and commitment of support to him for the balance of his life.
• My Inner Child spoke up about her insecurities around a relationship, and communed with Spirit for healing. 
• My Spirit Guides reminded me of how I thrived through all the countless changes the last four years of my life, and
• My Higher Consciousness offered me clarity around my writing, and the infinite possibilities available to paint the blank canvas before me as I moved into the next leg of my journey.

 

In the silence, I relaxed my mind, my body, and my spirit. 

I rejuvenated my energy and Higher connection.

I reclaimed my personal and spiritual power, and my life.

I had no idea how depleted I was until I went on this silent weekend retreat. This realization deepened within my awareness the importance of taking time to center amid life's chaos. I gave in to the illusion that I had to go, go, go to get it all done. I gave over myself in order to serve others, which ultimately led to my breaking down physically and emotionally before it was all said and done. How is that being helpful to my father, to the people I serve at work, or to myself?

The most important A-HA was I gave up on God to see me through the storm of changes. I let go of centering meditations and daily prayers with excuses of exhaustion and no time. When I could have been looking to God Within for comfort, support and love, I looked outside of myself to my to-do lists, comfort food, whining and complaining, and acting the martyr for the burdens I had upon me. BLEH!!

God is my Shepherd within, and I wandered astray from my guiding support into the jaws of the Wolf, that Egoic Self that relishes in the drama, the misery, and the victimization.

In the sounds of silence, I heard my guiding Shepherd,

and returned to my Higher Self, restored.