How To Stop Taking Things Personally

Have you ever experienced the following, or something similar?

• We’re walking through a grocery store and a woman impatiently huffs as she passes by to get to where she needs to be.
• We are driving down the street and going the speed limit, and the person behind us is tailing us, honking their horn, then suddenly passes and gives us a dirty look.
• We arrive to an appointment and the receptionist isn’t overly friendly, and barely looks at you when you approach to announce your arrival.
  

We often take these things personally, asking, “what did I do?”  We may jump to conclusions about that person – they are rude, hateful, selfish, assholes.  We find reasons to make how they are behaving wrong so we may feel better about ourselves after taking it personally.  We judge them, scoff them or mirror back the same attitude and energy right back to the offender.  In these examples, we take it personally.

In taking these behaviors from others personally, we all too often blame them for how we feel when these encounters happen.  Why?  Because we ourselves are often insecure or have low self-esteem, or not in the right space to be compassionate.  If we were secure, centered in who we are, we may respond with surprise, shock, and even compassion or empathy.  Instead, we tend to judge and deem someone as rude and inappropriate.  Debbie Ford, author of The Darkside of the Lightchasers, explains that when we judge others for how they show up, we are judging ourselves because we see a part of ourselves in them, and/or their behaviors at a subconscious level.

Reacting in judgment makes assumptions from our own life experience filters, beliefs and self-esteem.  Responding pauses and reflects on what may be going on at a deeper level. It’s never okay to be rude to others, but if we pause to consider what’s going on beneath the surface of the situation, we may begin to make it less about us, and more about the person from a place of compassion. Consider these scenarios again:

• We’re walking through a grocery store and a woman huffs as she passes by to get where she needs to be.
• Maybe she’s a single mom trying to get home before her kids get home from school and are left on the front step with no way to get inside. 
• Maybe she just had a fender bender and is frustrated and upset because of the hassle and now she’s late for work.
• We’re driving down the street and going the speed limit, and the person behind us is tailing us, honking their horn, then suddenly passes by and gives us a dirty look.
• Maybe he’s running late to work because the sitter arrived late, and if he’s late again, he loses his job.
• Maybe he’s just learned his son is at the ER and is trying to get there to make sure he’s okay.
• We arrive to an appointment and the receptionist isn’t overly friendly, and barely looks at you when you approach to announce your arrival.
• Maybe she just got chewed out for something she did wrong and is feeling stung by the verbal chastisement.
• Maybe she’s blue because her mom is in the hospital dying and she needs the job to feed her kids, and is sad she cannot be there with her.
• Maybe she’s considering suicide and just doesn’t care about life.  

Whatever the underlying reason for why people behave as they do, they most need from us our compassion.  Compassion isn’t available if we are in the zone of judgment and taking their actions personally.  As empaths, we can really take what people say and do to heart.  Regardless whether you are an empath or not, learn how to stop taking things personally.  If you do take it personally, consider it a universal spirit invitation to look at yourself through the experience of those who are offending you.


#1 - Realize that other people's rudeness is not about you. When someone is rude it's likely to be a reflection of their own issues. Everyone has problems, not just us.  Be aware others’ problems may be getting the best of them at that time.
#2 – Ask yourself what else the comment or behavior might mean.  For example, if someone doesn’t smile or say hello, they might be shy. Explore beyond the surface for possibilities that doesn’t make it about you.
#3 – Take comments or criticism in a constructive way.  Ask yourself if there’s any truth to it and what you can learn.  If you are unwilling to do so, you are not open to being honest with yourself and personal. growth.
#4 – Take a different perspective. Ask yourself how an unbiased outsider would see the situation.  Objectively ask someone outside of the situation for an objective point of view.
#5 – Realize that you cannot please everyone.  Our job is not to make other people happy, but to make ourselves happy.  Some people choose and thrive on unhappiness.
#6 – Know that you’re not defined by your mistakes or criticism.  Even if the criticism is warranted, but not delivered in the best manner, recognize #1, implement #2, #3 and #4, and remember #5.
#7 – Realize that your self-worth depends on you. It does not depend on what others say about you.  If what they are saying resonates with you, consider #3.  If it doesn’t, remember #1, #5 and #6.

List provided compliments of HealthyPlace.com 

Lessons from Falling Off a Horse

I recently took a spill off a horse named Pride. 

Pride is a tall, strong dark beauty, a steed that keeps me safe, high and mighty above all others who do not understand or see my way of thinking. Pride held me high within self-righteousness, above and beyond others and their hearts. But when enough hearts collectively feel hurt and anger, they come together as one to speak loudly against Injustice, the weapon that threatens the life of a mighty steed such as Pride.

Once on the ground and licking my wounds, feeling victimized and unappreciated, I protested because I knew I was right and they were wrong. I attempted to stand and remount Pride, taking offense and placing blame on everyone else. Pride huffed, stomping the ground with her hoof over the injustice, standing by to protect me as I found excuses and reasons for being thrown off my high horse. But in protecting me, Pride over zealously dealt a few blows, rearing in protest, knocking me down again as I attempted to stand against the perceived injustices. The harder I fought them, the harder Pride fought too, until her efforts to defend delivered a final blow; knocking me out, leaving me breathless and helpless in the muck and mire of the cold hard truth. If I stood once more, Pride would continue to fight, and ultimately, I would be battered and defeated. I realized then, until I sent Pride away, I would never recover from my fall.

We all have a high horse named Pride that misleads us into believing we are safely rooted in what we believe is the truth and that which we are unwilling to yield. A truth we are unwilling to acknowledge the remotest possibility that we could be wrong. A truth that tightly reins in our belief to make us feel okay; just within our choices, our behaviors, our actions, despite leaving others feeling hurt and unfairly treated. Pride allows us to sit tall, above all and others, protected from lowering ourselves to the level of those we’ve hurt, disappointed or upset. She keeps us from looking at these individuals and seeing their points of view, their perception of who we’ve been or what we’ve done through their own eyes. Pride protects us from realizing how we made others feel less than, misled, and worthless.  From this “above it all” mount, we take comfort in the unwillingness, even a reluctance to admit wrongdoing. Admitting we are wrong is tied to our sense of self-worth, because if we admit we are wrong, we perceive ourselves as weak. Pride protects us from coming down to a ground level and recognizing our weaknesses through the eyes of others.

Muddied, bruised and exhausted in my fight to get back into Pride's saddle, I finally realized through the eyes of those around me, I was wrong. I had been harsh, impatient and demanding towards those who felt unjustly treated. I thanked Pride, smacked her hindquarter, and sent her on her way, choosing to stand on the ground with those I had wronged so I may see myself through their eyes. I placed myself in their hearts, their shoes, and witnessed from their perspective how I had treated them. Only then did I realize I had stood in similar shoes during my lifetime with other authority figures, gently reminded how unjustly treated I had felt.

With this newfound perspective, I began the healing process of restoring my relationships with these individuals, as well as myself. I practiced the five languages of an apology (Gary Chapman) and humbled myself to accept responsibility for my actions with the promise to move among them rather than ride high above them. I apologized – not with a superficial “I’m sorry” but with heartfelt recognition of how I made them feel and by acknowledging my faults and mistakes. And more importantly, I asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness removes the barrier created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust between two people, and thus the relationship. Without genuine contrition, without forgiveness, one may be able to move on from the experience, but the relationship may never be restored to its original dynamic.

Sitting high and mighty cost me the trust, respect and love of those I hurt. I now ride a beautiful white thoroughbred named Grace. With Grace, I ride alongside others, rather than above them, With Grace, I am connecting more deeply with them, deeply restoring our relationships. And now, I move through the process of forgiving myself.  By doing so, I allow myself to deepen a connection with myself, and God in a healthier, loving and self-respecting way. Grace keeps me grounded in God. Without her, my relationship with God, myself, and others would be forever diminished.