Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go!

It's a New Year and I sincerely hope you all safely and joyously celebrated! I bless and thank 2011 for all it provided so I may prepare to move forward in excitement and anticipation for 2012.

If you read my last post, you know I did some serious “shedding” in 2011. The year facilitated stripping myself of Egoic pride, and surrendering completely to the guidance and flow of God in my life. A few months ago in a phone conversation with my former spiritual teacher, I explained I felt like I'd spent most of 2011 “waking up” from a really bad dream. She gently stated, “Carolyn, you've been grieving for the last two years, and you're coming out of it.” It never occurred to me I was in a grief for over two years; I mean, I felt better about my mom's passing, though I still had moments. But when I stopped to ponder Deb's words, I grieved many losses that started before my mom's death, and that I continued to experience since through 2011.

Worse, I was making major decisions from that place of grief! I remember reading somewhere you are not to make any major decisions for a year after a loved one passes. Well, I certainly didn't listen to that sage advice! I moved to Evansville to be closer to a man I'd just met only a few months before and had agreed to marry. I started a new business, offering holistic, metaphysical services in an area unfamiliar with such concepts. I made poor financial decisions; I renegotiated my values for friendships. In hindsight, and gratefully I look back laughing at the whirlwind that was my life. While I wasn't so amused last summer, now I can laugh when I look back at the last three years thanks to a healing process, and jestfully ask myself: What were you thinking?!? And damn, if you didn't have some cahonas!

That wild and crazy ride had its good stuff too!! I met some amazingly warm and welcoming business people in Evansville (Rainmakers) who supported me despite not fully understanding what it was I did! I shared some fun, pee-in-your-pants laughter, and memorable times with classmates in a few wild and haphazard adventures. I had the honor to serve some incredible clients through my business, Healing Life Energy. I familiarized myself and connected within the community of Evansville, Indiana where I called home for nineteen months. I came home and reconnected with Owensboro, Kentucky, and my extended family members and acquaintances of the past. I am employed and in service to a wonderful non-profit organization serving to empower others, a mission resonating with my heart's own desire. And I'm closer to my father, committed to serving him in his aging years, and more importantly, restoring and healing my relationship with him.

For the first time in over three years, I feel like my life is in alignment, and I am exactly where I am suppose to be right now. In 2009, I made decisions out of emotion. In 2010, I made decisions both emotionally and intellectually. In 2011, my Spirit's voice broke through the clutter that was my life so I may truly recognize and know my heart. Upon my decision to return to Owensboro, everything felt right in that moment in my heart, in my soul. My “head” argued to convince me not to walk away from all that I'd achieved, none of which left me feeling happy or fulfilled. A weight released, the burden of carrying/wearing a plan, perhaps even a facade, as designed by the Human Ego.

The feeling of inner certainty, an absolute knowing within of God's plan broke through the chaos that was my life when I opened myself up to listen. Once the message was received and accepted, when I surrendered to it, allowed myself to be in the flow of Life, things began to shift in my favor. All I had to do was be present, surrender, open myself up to receive, and allow.

I regret nothing of these last three years. All of it I value, despite how things ended, that things ended as they did. I wouldn't trade it because now, I know what it feels like to swim against the current. And I now know what it feels like to swim completely in the flow of Life. Now, it's easier. Joyous. Peaceful. Harmonious. Stress-free.

Yes, I'm excited about my life and 2012, and through this blog, I will share that excitement and all the year brings forth in my experience. I'm awake! I'm centered! I'm clear! I'm ready!

A Chapter's Close

It's been almost two months since my latest post; it's amazing how time flies. One year can pass quickly and yet be filled with so much. It was approximately one year ago that I prepared to return to Kentucky from Colorado to be with my mom and dad, and support mom through her dying process. It was during this year that I lost my job, ultimately a blessing far beyond the family circumstances, my mom, and came to accept that I would not be returning to my Colorado home and family of ten years so I may be a closer support for my dad. Add to list falling in love, getting engaged then unengaged, starting a new business, as well as a new life in Evansville/Newburgh, IN.

I’ve been a nomad of sorts this last year with my belongings stored in Colorado; I’ve lived in homes that have not truly been my own. As this year of upheaval comes full circle, I begin life anew in my own space, with my own belongings, and on my own terms. Upon return to retrieve my personal items, I’m received by my Colorado family who gather to show their love and support with an official send-off party. I experience mixed emotions for Colorado is my home, yet I’m pulled, called to be in Indiana. For family reasons? Yes, but for some greater purpose which has yet to be revealed.

So for now, I soak in the beautiful Colorado weather, rejuvenate in its higher altitudes and vibrations, and re-energize in the warmth and love of my dear friends, as I prepare for this final phase which closes one chapter before moving into the next. Colorado will always be home sweet home, where my heart truly is. But I surrender and embrace this next leg of my journey with gratitude and grace, trusting the calling of Spirit and my heart.

In the Abyss of Uncertainty

The day is gloomy. Silence surrounds me as I watch out my patio door the rain fall from the sky. Water, an element of change, reflects the emotional body. It encourages us to open ourselves to all things, even to things we dislike or that feel bad. Water teaches us to accept all that life brings while simultaneously choosing to act for positive change. Many of us are experiencing transitions, crossroads that invite us on a path in our journey. These crossroads provide us with opportunities to shift to a higher and more meaningful way that truly reflects the Divine Within, the potential to show up the essence of our spiritual beings, as creations of God.

Yet as spiritual beings in the human experience, we show up in the humanness of the journey. Fear. Anger. Anxiety. Self-righteousness. Blame. Judgment. Self-pity. It is natural. It is normal to feel such angst in the midst of great changes. We must honor the humanness of others and of our self as we show up in the human experience. The shift takes place in our consciousness.

Consciousness is a self awareness; an awareness of how we are “showing up” in our lives and with others, and with this information, then making different choices that shift/lift our energy vibrations. Ideally, the shift will move us from a lower vibration zone, which can feel burdensome, thick and heavy in our physical bodies, bitterness and biting in our moods, and generate “stinking thinking” of negative, judgmental and critical thoughts about ourselves and/or of others. Shifting into a higher vibration zone feels lighter and provides us with a sense of inner peace and relaxation, melting away stress and anxiety and instilling within us a sense that God has our back. This shift moves us more deeply into faith. Shifting takes place when we surrender all our worries, our questions without answers, our fears and “what ifs” over to God/Universe, which then opens a channel to receiving God’s guidance, thus creating space for God to work magic in our lives. Surrendering is letting go of the “shoulds;” attachments to how it all should look like, how it should unfold and how everyone around us should be showing up around us. Stop "shoulding" on yourself! Surrendering is letting go of needing to control everything and everyone in our own life. Coercion is an act of force, to compel something. The practice of coercion around our circumstances demonstrates a separation from God; through impatience, we demonstrate a lack of faith. When we coerce changes, (often impulsively out of fear, worry, anxiety, upset and desperation) that serve our human Ego driven agendas, we cut God out of the equation, leaving little to no room for God to creatively work on our behalf, for us, and through us.

It’s important to understand that surrendering does not mean “doing nothing!” It takes great courage, regardless the perception of our human eyes, to hold steady in faith that everything is absolutely Divine Perfection, and to know God is present through it all. As we move into surrender, we open ourselves up to receiving Divine inspiration, to be guided into right action around what to do differently, more productively, and from a place of greater Self awareness.

Our level of Consciousness is the key to how gracefully we maneuver through challenging times. When we are wrapped up in the lower vibration zone of human emotion, we can not see the forest for the trees. But with effort, and in setting an intention to become more self-aware, we can begin put on the brakes, and step back, breathe and check in with ourselves around how we are showing up in the moment. Taking a time out is a great tool to raise our self awareness. Meditation following the situation can help us to tune in and reflect on what just transpired. Journaling is also a great tool for processing what’s happening, how it feels and how different choices could nurture a more positive experience moving forward.

Whether its rain or tear drops falling today, whether its staying under a hot shower a little longer or enjoying a long hot bath, whether we’re in a swimming pool or in the Atlantic, we are invited by water to take a moment and reflect from a higher place of awareness to not only open up, but how to open up more fully to a positive change. Opening up, just as surrender, is not a passive, discouraged acceptance of our inner world or outer reality, but a courageous shift into trusting the new life that is expressing and unfolding through us.