Sunday, December 29, 2013
How did this life that once felt so big and impossible to fill become
so suddenly small and limiting?
As this year concludes, I am reminded of the last semester of my graduate work. The semester was winding down and everything I worked toward in those three years was coming to a head for finishing my Masters degree. Anything procrastinated needed to be addressed. Anything incomplete needed to be finished.. Time and space seemed to accelerate the process. Thesis research needed to be culled into a theme, organized into a presentable written paper and oral exam with logical sensibility and continuity before a panel of professors reviewed and heard it. As January turned into late April, it was crunch time; do or do not. If I fully committed to the effort, I would graduate with my Masters, and transition into the new phase of my life. If I did not do the work, I would remain stuck, degreeless.
The last five years since my return to Kentucky have felt like spiritual graduate school.
2013 has been “crunch time” as I complete what has felt like graduate level spiritual work before the next phase of my life can begin. Time and space accelerate me forward (no matter how hard my Egoic Self tried to apply the brakes), especially in these last three months, compelling me to participate and complete the upshift of my spiritual consciousness and vibration. Ever since my return to Kentucky, life has been filled with change and loss. This year has been the most intense year yet, even in its final month of December. Nothing like the healing process wringing you of every last bit resistance, leaving you no choice but to fully surrender into the Divine Truth. Five years ago, I had no idea I would undergo such a spiritual renovation or why. Six months ago, I had no idea what would unfold in the latter half of this year. I intuitively felt a major shift was ahead, a crossroads decision was coming. Now, the process and purpose reads crystal clear as I wrap up spiritual and personal healing in preparation for my fifth decade in this human experience.
This last year took me to the deepest levels of healing in my unconsciousness while simultaneously shifting me to my highest consciousness of being and awareness. This healing work demanded I stand more firmly in my personal and spiritual power. It taught me to stay true to intuitive guidance, despite external antagonism from others who had different expectations of me. This year administered many lessons: expansion of voice, better balance between my humanness and my Divine Self; redefining and holding true to boundaries; patience with myself and others; being in the present moment, thus Universal flow; discipline in body, mind and spirit; greater grace and humility; and ownership of my creative power Within and its use for my lavish Good.
Throughout this process, I have on occasion acted like a five-year-old in aisle number 3 throwing a temper tantrum when things were not going my way. I have wobbled within my warbling of expressing my voice with the clumsiness of an aardvark, and at times, with too much Helen Reddy roar. I have fell flat on my face while attempting to balance being grounded and spiritually connected during major life transitions. I have wandered at times from the path of spiritual daily practices. I have tolerated challenges of my boundaries, and overcompensated in holding and/or reclaiming them. And I have haphazardly created stumbling blocks along the way through the worrisome and defensive chatter of Egoic Mind.
Yes, I am human; and like Luke Skywalker first learning how to trust the Force while using his Light Saber, I and my Egoic Self have been less than graceful through these shifts and applications of the new ways of spiritual consciousness in daily life.
As I moved towards my Masters degree in Theater arts in 1990, I took many difficult, and at times, excruciating steps to make that achievement a reality; however, having that degree did not mean I knew everything there is to know about theater arts. Graduation means the process of moving in small increments, not necessarily completion. My spiritual graduate work of these past five years nears completion; but none of us ever completely graduate from the spiritual classroom that is our life. I suppose I will continue with the PhD version of spiritual living – where I take this new higher consciousness, and actively live it, express it, and practice it more fully in my human experience. That's the point of our human experience - continually reawakening to our Truth, God's version of it, and living in the Divine Consciousness of who we are through conscious intention that sustains continued learning and growth of the I Am Within.
For the first time in five years, I feel more
deeply alive and awake than I have felt in a long time.
Many heartfelt thanks to everyone, so many who has traveled this journey with me these past five years: Gregory & Cynthia at the Bead Angel; past Soaring Dove and Healing Life Energy clients; past mentoring and Science of Mind students; friends, lovers, co-workers, and strangers, past and present; my mother, my father, my brother, and other family members; spiritual teachers and supports, especially A'ra, my beautiful spiritual coach, Kim, Lita, and the ministry of Mile Hi Church.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Seventeen years ago, my ex-husband and I decided upon a kitchen remodel after buying a new home. Such a project is a major undertaking and disruption to one's life. You scrutinize every inch of the space and surfaces, under the cabinets, in the corners for those things that are inefficient, unproductive to the flow of movement. You see more clearly the scarred and weary wallpaper, and other detractions that blend into the background unnoticed by our everyday point of view. You reevaluate what is working and not working, the effectiveness and ineffectiveness of the use of space, practices, and the overall layout. You discover things outdated and determine what updates need to be made. Next comes the destruction when we tear everything apart, dismantling it so we may create and build anew. The entire process wears on your nerves, but upon its completion, you realize how worth it is truly is.
I have been undergoing a spiritual remodel for the past five years; and 2013 has been the final wrap-up of this process. While purposeful, the stripping of the old to make room for the new is stressful and exhausting to the Egoic Self. This major task rightfully eliminates any distractions that may impede the remodeling process, ensuring the discipline and perseverance required to see it through to the end. There are days when you do not think it will ever end, and you even wonder why you agreed to take on the task in the first place. Yet, as you move forward through the uncertainty of how it will look in the end, an inner sense, a Knowing Within pushes you on as you lay crumpled on the floor in all your humanness, feeling defeat and anguish. Like the inner drive of a new butterfly, you press on to break free from the cocoon that has served you well for a period of time, but now confines you from expanding your wings even further.
Through this year's process, I made some difficult decisions, despite unpopular opinion, to create more space for this spiritual remodeling project. As I have nurtured this transformation, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances became scarce in my life. The withdrawals are heartbreaking, hurtful even, and a grieving process occurs along with the shifting. People's perceived version of who you are clashes with who you are becoming. Relationships tend to separate as vibrational discordance takes place. People take personally newly-defined boundaries; or experience upset when you do not meet their expectations; or feel rejected when your focus shifts to meeting your own needs of healing rather than attending to their needs. Having been through these spiritual expansions before, these reactions are not uncommon occurrences. To gain anything, space must be created, cleared, for it is the Law of Balance. The Universe has a way of naturally clearing anything that may distract or detract from this spiritual expansion.
Consciousness is not a one time event, or even a part-time event, but a daily practice of being and living. I have been blessed with many souls serving as my teachers these past five years, and I know many more will appear in the years to come. I give thanks for them all whom I hold in such gratitude and love. Without them showing up the way they do and have, I cannot learn about myself, my spiritual Truth, nor expand my consciousness within that Truth.
If we are to commit to living this human experience as spiritual beings, we must commit to look deep within ourselves, seeing and admitting the truth about ourselves, about our role in creating our own experiences, and how we relate to others. Without a willingness to do this from an objective place of intuitiveness, healing cannot take place; nor can we evolve into higher consciousness and achieve a greater clarity of our Truth Within.
Look into the mirror reflections of every person in your life. Look for yourself, and accept the invitation to go deeper within. Ignore the Egoic tendency to cover your eyes. Look deeply, and see the truth these soul teachers are inviting you to see.
In doing so, you will be on the path to achieving a higher way of being in the human experience.