I fought, struggling to catch the wind
to stretch my spiritual wings. It all felt uncertain, like I'm going
nowhere. Quitting is no longer an option. I must persevere, despite
the heartbreak, despite the disappointment, despite the sense of
loss. I must free myself of the prision of yet another layer
of unconsciousness that constricts me, limits me.
How did this life that once felt so
big and impossible to fill become
so suddenly small and limiting?
As this year concludes, I am reminded
of the last semester of my graduate work. The semester was winding
down and everything I worked toward in those three years was coming
to a head for finishing my Masters degree. Anything procrastinated
needed to be addressed. Anything incomplete needed to be finished..
Time and space seemed to accelerate the process. Thesis research
needed to be culled into a theme, organized into a presentable
written paper and oral exam with logical sensibility and continuity before a panel of
professors reviewed and heard it. As January turned into late
April, it was crunch time; do or do not. If I fully committed to the
effort, I would graduate with my Masters, and transition into the new
phase of my life. If I did not do the work, I would remain stuck,
degreeless.
The last five years since my return
to Kentucky have felt like spiritual graduate school.
2013 has been “crunch time” as I
complete what has felt like graduate level spiritual work before the
next phase of my life can begin. Time and space accelerate me
forward (no matter how hard my Egoic Self tried to apply the
brakes), especially in these last three months, compelling me to
participate and complete the upshift of my spiritual consciousness
and vibration. Ever since my return to Kentucky, life has been
filled with change and loss. This year has been the most intense
year yet, even in its final month of December. Nothing like the
healing process wringing you of every last bit resistance, leaving you no
choice but to fully surrender into the Divine Truth. Five years
ago, I had no idea I would undergo such a spiritual renovation
or why. Six months ago, I had no idea what would unfold in the
latter half of this year. I intuitively felt a major shift was
ahead, a crossroads decision was coming. Now, the process and purpose reads crystal clear as I wrap up spiritual and
personal healing in preparation for my fifth decade in this human
experience.
This last year took me to the deepest
levels of healing in my unconsciousness while simultaneously shifting
me to my highest consciousness of being and awareness. This healing
work demanded I stand more firmly in my personal and spiritual power.
It taught me to stay true to intuitive guidance, despite external
antagonism from others who had different expectations of me. This
year administered many lessons: expansion of voice, better balance
between my humanness and my Divine Self; redefining and holding true to
boundaries; patience with myself and others; being in the present
moment, thus Universal flow; discipline in body, mind and spirit;
greater grace and humility; and ownership of my creative power Within
and its use for my lavish Good.
Throughout this process, I have on
occasion acted like a five-year-old in aisle number 3 throwing a
temper tantrum when things were not going my way. I have wobbled
within my warbling of expressing my voice with the clumsiness of an aardvark,
and at times, with too much Helen Reddy roar. I have fell flat on my
face while attempting to balance being grounded and spiritually
connected during major life transitions. I have wandered at times
from the path of spiritual daily practices. I have tolerated
challenges of my boundaries, and overcompensated in holding and/or
reclaiming them. And I have haphazardly created stumbling blocks
along the way through the worrisome and defensive chatter of Egoic
Mind.
Yes, I am human; and like Luke
Skywalker first learning how to trust the Force while using his Light
Saber, I and my Egoic Self have been less than graceful through these
shifts and applications of the new ways of spiritual consciousness in
daily life.
As I moved towards my Masters degree in
Theater arts in 1990, I took many difficult, and at times,
excruciating steps to make that achievement a reality; however,
having that degree did not mean I knew everything there is to know
about theater arts. Graduation means the process of moving in small
increments, not necessarily completion. My spiritual graduate work of these
past five years nears completion; but none of us ever completely
graduate from the spiritual classroom that is our life. I suppose I will continue with
the PhD version of spiritual living – where I take this new higher
consciousness, and actively live it, express it, and practice it
more fully in my human experience. That's the point of our human experience - continually reawakening to our Truth, God's version of it, and living in the Divine Consciousness of who we are through conscious intention that sustains continued learning and growth of the I Am Within.
For the first time in five years, I
feel more
deeply alive and awake than I have felt in a long time.
Many heartfelt thanks to everyone, so many who has
traveled this journey with me these past five years: Gregory &
Cynthia at the Bead Angel; past Soaring Dove and Healing Life Energy
clients; past mentoring and Science of Mind students; friends,
lovers, co-workers, and strangers, past and present; my mother, my
father, my brother, and other family members; spiritual teachers and
supports, especially A'ra, my beautiful spiritual coach, Kim, Lita,
and the ministry of Mile Hi Church.
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