Thursday, April 16, 2009

Fear: Its Effort towards Your Failure

This week, the Universe presented two amazing opportunities to me that will 1) challenge me to step up in my spiritual service to others and 2) challenge me to step up my own spiritual growth. At their appearance, I was very excited by these opportunities; however, as time moved towards the cross-point of "showing up" within these opportunities, I felt irritable, second-guessed my participation, and even questioned my spiritual guidance and knowing around their validity. The energetic feeling can be best described as "resistance" that feels thick, burdensome, and sluggish. In the days leading up to my involvement with these activities took great effort: doing dishes was a hassle, folding laundry, even eating took more energy than necessary. This slow-motion experience I call moving through the "sludge" of Ego Resistance.

At a workshop at Mile Hi Church, Maria Nimeth talked about "pushing through" the barrier of resistance when pursuing what you desire. This barrier is not unlike the one that surrounds the Earth; as astronauts travel from the Earth's atmosphere, there's a barrier that requires more energy and fire-power to break through into outer space. As we evolve in our lives, making changes to fulfill our purpose, we reach a similar energetic barrier that offers resistance; the key is recognizing the need for more energy and effort to forge ahead. The Human Ego sets up this energetic line of resistance that will do whatever it can to make it easy to simply give up, quit, or worse, convince ourselves that the benefit on the other side isn't worth breaking through to achieve.

Enters the scene: Fear. Fear appears in a variety of ways - including irritation, frustration, low/no energy, laziness, anxiety, nervousness, self-doubt, even unworthiness. These energies are Ego's defense mechanism against change, even if it's beneficial change; it's easier to stay in the "what it knows" zone.

These opportunities will propel me in my spiritual growth and in developing my spiritual business; and my human-self attempted to slow me down in the hopes of completely discouraging me. As a conscious being of Self, I can easily recognize these counterproductive energies when they show up, see through the veil of their delusion, and find inner strength to press on against the waves of resistance. No matter how many times I've encountered this barrier, I push through and in this case, the grass is always greener on the other side. Well, that is until there's another barrier to break through . . . . .


Monday, April 6, 2009

In the Meantime

Iyanla Vanzant wrote "In the Meantime," a great book that I recommend everyone read if they are undergoing drastic changes in their life. The focus is around moving out of a relationship, but the principles she discusses are applicable to any situation in which you had a relationship - job position, friendship, a move to a new city, a health change, etc. She talks about being in this zone called "the meantime" in which we are figuring things out, learning from our previous experience, and how we "clean house" to prepare for our next experience.

As I've discussed before, I am in a serious "meantime" as my mom battles renal cell cancer on the brain; her time with us on this Realm is limited, but as we wait for what is the inevitable, my family, as well as my mom, is challenged with this in the meantime. My father is her primary caregiver - seeing that she gets her meds, gets her rest, and is safely moving about the house as the tumors challenge her mobility and motor control. My brother comes and goes every other weekend to help out around the house, especially outdoors. I come in and out once a month, flying or driving into Kentucky for a 5-7 day visit. And then there's mom in the middle of it all.

We are all experiencing our personal "meantimes." For my dad, he's dealing with the impending loss of his wife of 45 years, and for the first time, living by himself in that same amount of time. My brother, well, I have no idea what he's experiencing in this meantime. He keeps all his emotions and feelings to himself. And when I ask how he's doing, he goes on and on with what my mom calls "rhetoric", ending with what I know provides him comfort and peace in the way he knows it, "We know she'll be received in the arms of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ." For me, my "meantime" experience is grieving the loss of the woman as I've always known her - seeing her physical body deteriorate, the dissapation of her ability to do the things she enjoys, and watching her slowly come to the realization that her perceived expectation of "quality of life" isn't exactly as she'd pictured it.

Then there's the ultimate meantime experience - that of my mom's. One of the benefits in being an enlightened person is that I can separate myself from Ego and become an observer of the human condition. I say this, but do not misunderstand me; in this particular situation, I stumble, a lot, around being an observer, which is normal considering how close I am to this situation. But when I am centered in Spirit, I see my mom waiting, wondering and questioning. Waiting for the inevitable. Wondering what each day brings for her. Questioning if she did all she could in this lifetime. There are moments when she talks about what she meant to do in her lifetime; she still even talks about what she plans to do. For example, she ordered flowers for planting in her gardens this spring. She can barely walk a straight line, never mind have the strength or the ability to plant new flowers. I see her realize that what she thought would be easy isn't going to be. I see her realizing what a toll her illness is taking on my father. And I know she's realizing the grief I will, am already feeling, around her leaving us to move on to her next soul experience.

My mom speaks about how there is nothing she or any of us can do about it all. She has her moments when she's just simply frustrated that things are not as she thought they would be. She has always needed to have things look a certain way, especially when she expected them to. I see her realizing how much she has no control over this situation, and I know it troubles her.

For all of us, our lesson is living in the moment and surrender. I can't say that my father or brother understand this, and my mom does to a point. And as for me, I practice it as best as I can, for this is one of the biggest spiritual classrooms I've been in yet. I have my "less-than" moments, and I have my "rising to the occasion" moments which now and again surprise me. In any case, I am learning to shift my energy from grief to support when my mother and father need it most. I'm doing the very best I can, in each moment that I'm in. It's all I can do.

Love and Light,