Sunday, June 27, 2010

Loving No Matter What

When people we love hurt us, we naturally feel anger, upset and disappointment. Yet we must understand and recognize that despite how they are showing up, they are doing their very best, the best that they can in these moments and circumstances from which they are living in the human experience. It is in this understanding that we are demonstrating unconditional love, for we accept their best efforts of love, no matter how it shows up.

Unconditional love does not mean that we must endure repeated heartache and disappointment, nor does it mean we must tolerate intolerable behavior, abuse or neglect. We are responsible for setting and honoring our own boundaries around what we deserve in friendships, family, work and romantic, any relationships of any kind. But understanding others through unconditional love, no matter how they show up, allows us our process of healing through forgiveness. Of course, we will be less than perfect at times in our relationships, being angry, hurt, and disappointed, all emotions which we must experience prior to the shift towards forgiveness. Grudges and resentment serves only to hold ourselves hostage in suffering; telling our victimization stories over and over to anyone who will listen, talking “smack” about the other person, and hurtful actions and/or words towards the other person in fear of vunerability, emotional breakdown and insecurity fail to move us forward in healthy healing.

In the grace and generosity of unconditional love, we can become more understanding and honoring of those that hurt us and the path upon which they travel. With conscious effort, we can feel gratitude for the experience, both of the pleasant moments of the relationship, and those less enjoyable that offer valuable teaching opportunities about who we are and how to move forward more productively. This task is challenging for we naturally move towards the negative aspects of the experience, supported by friends and family members who will feed such a perspective. While it is important to express those feelings, it’s also important we not wallow in the upset OR hold ourselves hostage within it. We must keep our heads above the quicksand and pull ourselves out of it so we can move forward with the intention of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t lip service but genuine energy flow of love for self and the other person despite the circumstances. With time and conscious effort, honest self-evaluation and a willingness to unconditionally honor another’s path, regardless of what we wanted and the resulting circumstances, we can begin the process towards healing in higher love and genuine forgiveness.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

An Apology for an Unintentional Insensitivity

In my latest blog post, I wrote: “I’ve lived in homes that have not truly been my own. As this year of upheaval comes full circle, I begin life anew in my own space, with my own belongings, and on my own terms.” I lived in the basement of my parents’ home in Owensboro for several months while my mom went through her dying process. Then I moved to Evansville, into my boyfriend’s place. In my post, I spoke of how I’ve not lived in my own space with my own belongings which have been a part of what makes me feel at home, as I did in Colorado. I know that things aren’t what make a home, but having the familiarity of these personal items offers comfort and some sense of grounding.

Dan invited me to live with him at the end of October, and I accepted as I needed to be closer to Evansville, and I wanted to be closer to him. He opened his home to me and welcomed my two dogs and me, despite his unfamiliarity with pets. He even purchased a cabinet I admired in a local consignment shop and installed it while I was away, as a surprise. Dan rearranged furniture that met some of my space needs and let me rearrange the kitchen completely. I had the privacy during the day while he was at work to grieve the loss of my mom, my job, my life in Colorado AND to figure out “what’s next” in my new life in the Tri-State area. Dan’s generosity was invaluable to me during a difficult time in my life. He opened his home and defined it as “our” home, and for that, I am forever grateful.

In my careless mention of not being in my own home, I was unconscious of my insensitivity to Dan’s gesture and the fact that indeed his home was my home, and for this I am truly sorry. Despite our estranged relationship of late, Dan was a lifeline for me and I didn’t mean to demean our time together in “our” home. Upon my decision to move into my own space, I felt I needed a fresh start and re-establish myself, re-group and re-evaluate who I am in my own place while I move through these latest life transitions. “Living life on my own terms” references my need to build a career of my own design that feeds my heart and soul, allow my dogs the room and yard they deserve to live their final few years out, and having sacred space to do my own spiritual work as well as that in my service to others. My own terms involves living life without the sorrow of losing my mom, and starting life in a new state, town and community that has made me feel welcome from day one.

If we have a reaction to something someone says or writes, it’s important to address it in inquiry, so that we may better understand another’s intention, as well as raise awareness if someone has been insensitive or unintentionally hurtful. In addressing the matter calmly, gently and gracefully, much suffering and brain damage can be eliminated for one or both parties. Simple misunderstandings happen all the time, and making assumptions can be dangerous, and ruin relationships of any kind. Ask questions; communicate without fear, and eliminate the heartache of hurt, disappointment, and upset for yourself, and sometimes, even for others.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A Chapter's Close

It's been almost two months since my latest post; it's amazing how time flies. One year can pass quickly and yet be filled with so much. It was approximately one year ago that I prepared to return to Kentucky from Colorado to be with my mom and dad, and support mom through her dying process. It was during this year that I lost my job, ultimately a blessing far beyond the family circumstances, my mom, and came to accept that I would not be returning to my Colorado home and family of ten years so I may be a closer support for my dad. Add to list falling in love, getting engaged then unengaged, starting a new business, as well as a new life in Evansville/Newburgh, IN.

I’ve been a nomad of sorts this last year with my belongings stored in Colorado; I’ve lived in homes that have not truly been my own. As this year of upheaval comes full circle, I begin life anew in my own space, with my own belongings, and on my own terms. Upon return to retrieve my personal items, I’m received by my Colorado family who gather to show their love and support with an official send-off party. I experience mixed emotions for Colorado is my home, yet I’m pulled, called to be in Indiana. For family reasons? Yes, but for some greater purpose which has yet to be revealed.

So for now, I soak in the beautiful Colorado weather, rejuvenate in its higher altitudes and vibrations, and re-energize in the warmth and love of my dear friends, as I prepare for this final phase which closes one chapter before moving into the next. Colorado will always be home sweet home, where my heart truly is. But I surrender and embrace this next leg of my journey with gratitude and grace, trusting the calling of Spirit and my heart.