Lessons from Falling Off a Horse

I recently took a spill off a horse named Pride. 

Pride is a tall, strong dark beauty, a steed that keeps me safe, high and mighty above all others who do not understand or see my way of thinking. Pride held me high within self-righteousness, above and beyond others and their hearts. But when enough hearts collectively feel hurt and anger, they come together as one to speak loudly against Injustice, the weapon that threatens the life of a mighty steed such as Pride.

Once on the ground and licking my wounds, feeling victimized and unappreciated, I protested because I knew I was right and they were wrong. I attempted to stand and remount Pride, taking offense and placing blame on everyone else. Pride huffed, stomping the ground with her hoof over the injustice, standing by to protect me as I found excuses and reasons for being thrown off my high horse. But in protecting me, Pride over zealously dealt a few blows, rearing in protest, knocking me down again as I attempted to stand against the perceived injustices. The harder I fought them, the harder Pride fought too, until her efforts to defend delivered a final blow; knocking me out, leaving me breathless and helpless in the muck and mire of the cold hard truth. If I stood once more, Pride would continue to fight, and ultimately, I would be battered and defeated. I realized then, until I sent Pride away, I would never recover from my fall.

We all have a high horse named Pride that misleads us into believing we are safely rooted in what we believe is the truth and that which we are unwilling to yield. A truth we are unwilling to acknowledge the remotest possibility that we could be wrong. A truth that tightly reins in our belief to make us feel okay; just within our choices, our behaviors, our actions, despite leaving others feeling hurt and unfairly treated. Pride allows us to sit tall, above all and others, protected from lowering ourselves to the level of those we’ve hurt, disappointed or upset. She keeps us from looking at these individuals and seeing their points of view, their perception of who we’ve been or what we’ve done through their own eyes. Pride protects us from realizing how we made others feel less than, misled, and worthless.  From this “above it all” mount, we take comfort in the unwillingness, even a reluctance to admit wrongdoing. Admitting we are wrong is tied to our sense of self-worth, because if we admit we are wrong, we perceive ourselves as weak. Pride protects us from coming down to a ground level and recognizing our weaknesses through the eyes of others.

Muddied, bruised and exhausted in my fight to get back into Pride's saddle, I finally realized through the eyes of those around me, I was wrong. I had been harsh, impatient and demanding towards those who felt unjustly treated. I thanked Pride, smacked her hindquarter, and sent her on her way, choosing to stand on the ground with those I had wronged so I may see myself through their eyes. I placed myself in their hearts, their shoes, and witnessed from their perspective how I had treated them. Only then did I realize I had stood in similar shoes during my lifetime with other authority figures, gently reminded how unjustly treated I had felt.

With this newfound perspective, I began the healing process of restoring my relationships with these individuals, as well as myself. I practiced the five languages of an apology (Gary Chapman) and humbled myself to accept responsibility for my actions with the promise to move among them rather than ride high above them. I apologized – not with a superficial “I’m sorry” but with heartfelt recognition of how I made them feel and by acknowledging my faults and mistakes. And more importantly, I asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness removes the barrier created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust between two people, and thus the relationship. Without genuine contrition, without forgiveness, one may be able to move on from the experience, but the relationship may never be restored to its original dynamic.

Sitting high and mighty cost me the trust, respect and love of those I hurt. I now ride a beautiful white thoroughbred named Grace. With Grace, I ride alongside others, rather than above them, With Grace, I am connecting more deeply with them, deeply restoring our relationships. And now, I move through the process of forgiving myself.  By doing so, I allow myself to deepen a connection with myself, and God in a healthier, loving and self-respecting way. Grace keeps me grounded in God. Without her, my relationship with God, myself, and others would be forever diminished.

Last Stop: Reconciliation Station

I walked away from a three year relationship a year ago this weekend. I felt peace around the decision, though my heart felt great pain. The love I felt for this man was one I’d not ever felt for any other man. But in my heart of hearts, emotional intelligence knew the relationship wasn’t what it needed to be, nor what I deserved.

Knowing that truth didn’t ease the intense heartache I felt, or the emotions of grief from the loss.

The relationship was a good one – we enjoyed each other’s company and I laughed more often than I ever cried. I was treated well, as the man I love was generous in many ways, supportive and caring. Other than a few times when he felt (I realize in hindsight) cornered into an emotionally uncomfortable situation, he was kind, gentle and respectful towards me with his words. His relationship management choices were not always so respectful toward me and my feelings, but again, with 20/20 hindsight vision, I recognize how some behaviors and actions supported his goal of compartmentalizing v. integrating me and our relationship in his life.

My feelings for him were like none I had ever felt for a man. I loved him unconditionally, despite his unproductive choices and actions in our relationship. The decision to end our three years together was hard given the fact that I love the man. It was a good decision, regardless of my heartache.

For a year leading up to that decision, I struggled with how things were between us, and that we were not heading in the direction I had been repeatedly reassured we were going. Add to that the pink elephant in the relationship: his non-expression of love for me. Year Three opened the blinds to shine the Light of Truth on the situation. Initially, I chose to hide in the shadows for a while, not wanting to see the reality of our relationship. The Light continued to expand and reveal the truth of “what is”, and still, I chose to turn my eyes away, blinding myself, and others with excuses I made for him on his behalf. I argued with myself, claiming that I needed to be more patient. I was just fooling myself and making a fool out of myself. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I knew the truth. Once I chose to face the Light, look more closely at our relationship and the man I love, doubts created the stepping stones I needed to walk toward the hard reality: this man wasn’t that into me, and worse, he and I didn’t really have a future together as he’d led me to believe.

For several months, I questioned him about our future, seeking relief from the glaring light of clarity. There were temporary moments of shade, but the heat of truth burned upon me over and over again. In the month leading up to the perpetual Moment of Truth, I eventually realized I had two choices: miserably continue in a relationship that was real to only one of us, or live in greater self-respect and peace without the man I love.

A year later, I made that difficult choice, and its heartache remains an emotionally wise scar in my memory and heart. Fortunately, the grief and pain are not as intense, and my thoughts are less consumed by the loss, though I think fondly everyday of the man I love. I miss him and his friendship. I’m realizing I can still love him, but just not be in a relationship with him. I’m learning I can share my heart brimming of love with others – my beagles, my family, friends, the children I serve at work, strangers, and most importantly, myself. I’m learning that there are many people in my life who value and appreciate me, my heart and the love it offers. Today, I close in on freedom from any of resentment around this experience. I realize I must find forgiveness for him; and self-forgiveness for allowing myself to love and believe him more than I loved and believed in myself. This I can accomplish through unconditional love for us both.

I recently heard a speaker discuss the difference between reconciliation and resolution. Resolution involves rehashing everything, which I am absolutely uninterested in doing, since I’ve spent an exhausting year doing that. Reconciliation is reconnecting and moving forward without any emotional barriers between two people, leaving the past in the past. I don’t know that I have arrived at Reconciliation Station just yet; but it’s the final stop on the itinerary of this relationship’s journey. Full and unconditional forgiveness is my ticket to this destination. They say time heals all things, but I also know I must willingly dig a little deeper in my heart’s pocket to find that ticket. I know it’s there; I just need a little more travel time to find it.

And for the first time in a year, I’m actually feeling excited about arriving at this next stop, and completing the final leg of this relationship’s journey.

Two Hearts, Wrong Page

Have you ever caught yourself in a whopper of a lie? Boy howdy, when you get real and look deep to see the truth of what is, it’s like a punch in the gut, or sometimes, to the heart. I experienced such a heart-punch a year ago.

I learned my three year relationship with the man I love was not what I thought it was; essentially a lie, and one that I myself helped create. Punch number one to the heart. But once it ended and the dust settled, I later learned the man I love was an accomplice in creating my false notion of our relationship. Punch to the heart number two, which left me angry, hurt, and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Neither of us meant to make me feel like a fool. My faith and belief in the man I love overruled my trust and belief in my intuition in myself. His fears fueled cowardice and overruled his kindness and courage to be honest with me when presented with opportunities to do so.

Each and every one of us deserve honesty, especially in affairs of the heart. When I receive dishonesty in return for my heartfelt love, my sensitive heart shatters with disappointment. No one’s love should be taken for granted, or taken advantage of. My heart is precious, and runs deep with love. It deserves to be valued, appreciated by another unconditionally loving heart. When I decide to give my heart to someone, it is after much consideration; cautiously, not impulsively, and only after feeling a sense of trust and confidence in its recipient. I marvel at my heart’s willingness to love again and again, despite the numerous heartbreaks it’s had from those who have rejected it, and those who have gone out of their way to break it and me. Fortunately, my heart is resilient, and when it loves, it is all in. My heart forgives many transgressions, small and large. When my heart feels troubled, it’s calling me to wake up to the reality of my situation, signaling that maybe it’s time to move on. That’s where I get into trouble. I am a creature of loyalty and I, along with my loving heart, will fight tooth and nail to make a connection of the heart work, because I believe so deeply in the other person, his heart and its potential to love.

The problem? A connection requires two hearts be on the same page.

During this relationship, dishonesty won out over courage when inquiries were made about our future. Every time, I believed in him and our future, based on several conversations asking for honesty about where things were between us and his feelings. I asked if we had a future, if “this” was going anywhere, and each time I was reassured there is, and it was. As a result, I continued to trust and believe the man I love and the relationship. With 20/20 hindsight, I see I ignored subtle red flags. Instead of being a smart woman trusting her intuition, I believed in what I thought were “honest” conversations. Then the red flags grew in size, forcing me to see what I knew wasn’t as they appeared:

~Unsolicited conversations about him and his future did not include me. 

~I was never introduced to people he knew/work colleagues in his community, even when we ran into them.

~I was never introduced to his friends, nor was I invited to hang out with them when opportunity arose.

~Interactions with his kids happened because I encouraged it, he didn’t. 

~I was never invited join him and his kids on Christmas or Thanksgiving holidays, or family vacations.

~I was treated as an outsider when we were with his kids, and as if I wasn't there.

~I received reassurances of a future, but was told “I’m happy with the every other weekend”. 

~He never once told me he loved me in three years, despite my expression of love for him.

This time last year, these red flags pounded me over the head, leaving me with a sickening feeling the jig was up. I asked for space and distance; he told me we’d figure out a way to get things back on track. Over the next month, I went into emotional shock. The truth shattered the glass house with in which I held our relationship, exposing it, and worse, my role in facilitating the delusion I had of it. I had to confess to myself that I ignored my intuition and its earlier warning signs. And my heart writhed in absolute misery missing the man I love, while simultaneously reminding me that he did not love me. I felt alone, unwanted, a loser, and a fool. I continued to fight for us and our connection of heart. However, a heart unwilling to love cannot fight the good fight when it fears itself unworthy of a love worth fighting for.

I now recognize the wisdom of lessons learned from the experience.

• I held on too long in hopes the man I love would love me; if he ain’t saying it after a year, he ain’t feeling it, nor is he gonna say it!
• I overlooked the contradictions between his words of reassurance and his actions that defied them.
• I allowed myself to be played the fool by going along with those contradictions, trusting it all still.
• I chose to ignore my intuitive gut, and brilliantly played the part of romantic fool for this play called Love for my friends and family.

Love requires sacrifices, always, but it does not require sacrificing one’s own Self-love and Self-respect. Ultimately, I walked away from the man I love because it was the healthier choice for me, my heart, and my self-respect. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was the best decision. 

Today, I continue working through the grief of this relationship loss, and toward finding unconditional forgiveness for us both. I believe(d) he was the one. I still love him, miss him and us. Eventually, hopefully, I will come to some peace within myself about it all, and reconcile those feelings against all that came to pass. In the meantime . . . . .

What I know for sure:

I want and deserve to be happy, even if that “happy” doesn’t include him in my life.

RelationSHIPs and Cargo

A relationSHIP is like a vessel in which two people sail together across a massive body of water (symbolic for emotion) into the horizon, and to places “out there” unseen. There can be rough waters, stormy seas to weather, and hopefully, more often than not, smooth sailing.

The relationSHIP's deck may offer a lot of wonderful things to make one's voyage enjoyable, things that on the surface may seem like everything is perfect; however, all the great things on the deck's surface cannot alone keep a relationSHIP afloat.  Every relationSHIP has a keel, the spine which serves as the foundation for the relationSHIP on which two people sail together.  Deep in the belly of the relationSHIP is the “ship's hold”. In the ship's hold can be found cargo, baggage left buried in the dark corners, untouched, unaddressed from many previous voyages, from many previous years. If left alone and unattended, the “ship's hold” can and will eventually become heavy with cargo, which will lead to the weighing down, even drowning the “beauty” seen on the deck's surface. The care and maintenance of this relationSHIP's foundation will determine if the relationSHIP stays afloat or sinks.

Both co-captains navigating the relationSHIP make up the travel package for this voyage; that is, how each person wants and chooses to show up on board the relationSHIP. The travel package includes all visible (conscious) and invisible (unconscious) intentions, which are seen in both the actions and words spoken by those steering the relationSHIP. Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes, (in)actions belie the words. Deep beneath the deck in the relationSHIP's hold, unknown cargo of voyages past influence the voyage package, thus disrupting the relationSHIP's course and its ability to smoothly sail forward. If this cargo is ignored and unaddressed, it will become the death of smooth sailing for the relationSHIP.

It takes courageous and brave co-captains to go deep beneath the surface, into the darkness of the ship's hold to scour the cargo that's unhealthy, heavy and threatening to a successful voyage. Until s/he is willing to do that, all relationSHIP voyages will sail aimlessly in the water, haphazardly bumping with great distress into other relationSHIP's passing in the night. No matter how few or how many relationSHIPs one has sailed on the high seas of love, one must realize that what's on the top deck of any given relationSHIP isn't what keeps the vessel afloat. One must nose around in the ship's hold, consciously checking not only one's own cargo, but paying attention and noticing the tarp-covered cargo belonging to the co-captain of the relationSHIP's voyage. If either co-captain is unwilling to pull back the tarp and take a hard look at the cargo that's taking the relationSHIP off-course, the voyage is at risk.

A key to a successful voyage is that co-captains have an idea, even an inkling as to their desired destination, and obtain a forecast that offers some insight as to what lies ahead of them in their voyage. Having this information allows for navigational redirection as needed by one or both co-captains in the event of stormy weather, in which decisions may be made to change course, decide on a new destination, turn back, or debark from the voyage all together. Without a forecast, co-captains cannot consciously and collaboratively make choices that facilitate a smoother voyage. Aimless sailing with a navigational course of twists and turns determined by random winds recklessly places the voyage into danger. Unfortunately, some co-captains in Titanic disasters wait too long to leave a sinking relationSHIP, unnecessarily drowning into the abyss of broken hearts, fear, and hopelessness. The only way back from the abyss is to ironically dive deeper into the ship's hold and address the cargo left behind from previous voyages.

More importantly, each co-captain must know his or her own ultimate destination when boarding a relationSHIP. For a part of the voyage, both co-captains may travel together, sharing and enjoying the same ports for a short time. Reaching the final destination of one's ultimate desire may require taking different relationSHIPs to get there, but if one knows where s/he wants to ultimately make landfall, it becomes easier to stay the course no matter the weather. In doing so, one will ultimately come to enjoy the most successful and romantic voyage of a lifetime on the USS RelationSHIP.

New Year, Right People

How's 2012 going for you? It's already the second week of February and I'm taking inventory of my efforts in achieving my goals for 2012. This time of the New Year tends to be when one's level of focus and commitment for making changes begins to wane as distractions takes place and discouragement sets in. To stay the course towards success, we must stop and reassess where we are, what we've accomplished, recalibrate our direction, and recommit ourselves in productively moving forward.

I set my mind to accomplish a number of things this year. I diligently conduct my daily meditation and prayer, especially on the weekends when I'd usually slack. Another simple but important goal is to nightly clean my face of makeup. Laziness often deterred me from healthy skincare, so I cleanse immediately upon arriving home after work. I also joined a gym and have managed two visits a week. Four times a week would be ideal but in reaching goals, we must acknowledge and celebrate the baby steps we take towards achieving that goal. We are not striving to be perfect overnight, but to gradually initiate change as we create a new habit. I made a decision to do more writing this year, and while its been a couple of weeks since my last entry, I averaged one blog entry a week in January. Now, I am writing a blog for work (Unique Bodies-Determined Souls) which is a huge thrill for me, so writing is definitely a commitment I'm honoring. I'm also infusing my financial life and am pleased to have already achieved one of four goals I set for this year! So as I sit and review my efforts over these last six weeks, I recognize I've accomplished more than I thought;  thus, the importance of regular reevaluation, recalibration of the course, and a re-commitment to the goals.

My dear friend Leah shared a beautiful article on New Year's Eve titled, Thirty Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  Upon reviewing the list, I was tickled to see I've accomplished a majority of this list; but it's good to review and reassess how you are living your life. A few on the list I can stand to address, and another few I have accomplished but may need to improve on the tasks. I've decided to share one item on this list with you via Journey Wisdom over the next several months with a few words of personal wisdom you may or may not find of value. I learned I don't know it all but I know a lot through personal experience, and if I open myself to listen to others' words of wisdom gleaned from their own personal experiences, I may add a little something to my own wisdom treasure chest. After all, we are all in this life experience together; why not support each other and be supported in the journey? This first item is a humdinger, one of which I spent a better part of 2011 addressing.

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.

As a part of my “reawakening” in 2011, I realized unhealthy connections with people. I regret none of them, but 2010 and 2011 was spent keeping company with people who were unsupportive of me being my best. We each have our own definition of what “wrong people” means to us, so here I focus on defining what the “right people" are for me. I spend time with people who honor, respect, and even value my opinions, ideas, and beliefs. These individuals don't have to agree with me but they allow me to speak my truth while having a mature, respectful dialogue to facilitate understanding without judgment or retribution. My “right people” handle disagreements and conflicts with maturity that includes calm productive discussion, an openness to see both sides of the argument, and like me, have a willingness, when appropriate, to concede responsibility and/or misunderstanding, rather than blame and make excuses. They recognize I authentically speak my mind and my truth, even if it isn't what they want to hear just as I will listen to them.   My “right people” know I will call them out on their crap, and that I do it because I love and care for them, otherwise I wouldn't waste my time, energy or breath. My “right people” are compassionate, open-minded, considerate of others, sensitive, loving, and live within integrity, character and honesty.  We contribute our best to our relationship, and we work through our worst together, rather than try to bring each other down into ugliness, drama and hatefulness. The people I associate with are reflections of who I am and my multifaceted personality, my character, my spirit, and my values. They are supportive, not destructive.

It may seem easier to stay in a relationship that brings us down than to expend the energy required to leave it. In removing myself from the “wrong people”, I experienced a backlash from those who were hurt by my decision, and a sorrow within stemming from my grief of the loss. I took the time I needed to get clear on who I am as a person, and who I want to surround myself with as a reflection of me and my values. Eliminating the wrong people in your life doesn't mean you wish them ill-will, but it's important you render forgiveness where its needed, including for yourself, and send them love and blessings each day.  As the photo quote above says, If someone makes you more miserable than they make you happy, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go.

An Open Letter & Relationships

“It saddens me. But I am the one responsible. I am the one that didn’t see things as they were. I was the one that was so desperate for a connection that I lowered my standards to feel less alone. I was the one who didn’t “see” or just out-right ignored the signs when they started showing up. I was the one who tolerated the inadequacies of our relationship and kept silent for too long about my feelings. I was the one who chose to ignore the issues, gave benefits of doubt not once, but many, many times in the hope that the beauty I saw beneath the veneer of insecurity, manipulation, anger (at self, others and the world), abusiveness when I stood my ground, disrespect, and saboteur choices would spring forth. I saw the real you – your heart, your spirit, that God essence within you and I stuck it out because I believed in it, in you.
But my belief in you, in your heart, in your spirit wasn’t strong enough to overcome the lack of belief in yourself.

And ultimately, in my efforts to extract that part of who you really are into fuller expression, I lost. I lost sight of who I am in the subjugation of verbal and emotional abuse demonstrated through hurtful hateful words, critical judgment, and negative falsehoods shared in covering up your inability to sustain a healthy relationship, all so that you wouldn’t have to deal with your stuff. I lost faith, thankfully for only for a brief time, in my own ability to see through the façade and appearances that served you in our relationship. In my effort to preserve your sense of self, I lost courage, perhaps even gave up my right, to stand up for myself and what I deserve as an equitable, respectful and communicative relationship with another. I lost sight of my values, my personal standards, and my principles as I re-negotiated them for your benefit and the benefit of our relationship’s survival.

But just as importantly, and the hardest of all, I lost you and our relationship because I needed to be who I am, and not change or conform to what and how you expected me to be within our relationship. Nor could I ask you to do the same.

So now, we move on and our relationship changes. I move forward with greater wisdom and a greater consciousness. I’m not sure what happened, or even how it came to pass, but I know that each of us was at choice through the entire process. I can only take responsibility for my part, and that can be a bitter taste of Humble pie that many won’t even consider trying. I lean into such opportunities because I seek to live wiser, more authentically, surrounded by people who mutually share my values and principles, who mutually value and unconditionally love all that I offer in a relationship – my feelings, my thoughts, my faults, my opinions, my quirks, my needs, my compassion, my open-mindedness, my honesty, my heart, and even, my willingness to give above and beyond (what is sometimes unhealthy for me) to make a relationship work because of my belief and ability to see the highest and best in others. So thank you. Thank you and your soul for serving as my teacher so I may be wiser, more aware and to expect more from a relationship. Thank you for being you.”

This is an open letter to everyone with whom I’ve had a relationship – work, friend, romantic, family, etc. I’ve been pondering of late the concept of relationships in all areas of my life, and somewhere along my journey over the last few years I’ve chosen less than stellar relationships. I regret none of them. But in sifting through the experiences, I must look at my state of being in and through these connections. If we are to grow, improve and change our life’s experiences, we must always look at ourselves first – how we showed up, the choices we made, and where we surrendered our values, principles, our personal standards and power. This isn’t an easy task but if one truly wants to make changes for the better in one’s life, it means taking a cold hard look at ourselves with an objective yet constructively critical eye. We must also consider information via others’ perspectives, opinions and choices relevant to those relationships – for the law of cause and effect is forever at work. For every action there is a reaction, which begets yet another action.

I am blessed to have a few sounding boards that I not only trust and respect, but who trust me to share their perspective, knowing that I value their opinion, recognizing that while I will give it serious consideration, I may not adopt it as my gospel truth. Only I can discern my own truth which reflects in how I show up in life through my thinking, my choices, my actions and my manner with others. Living a lie, pretending to be someone I’m not demands a great deal of energy and can be exhausting. Lying to ourselves is much easier, but ultimately, is less spiritually fulfilling, and will never yield the inner peace and harmony we all seek in this life. I’d rather sift through the muck of my mistakes and rise from the ashes with greater self-respect and –love knowing that what the world sees when I move through it is the authentic me. Oh, and do this enough, the taste of humble pie grows on you.

Letting Go in Honor of Another's Journey

When we hear about those we care about making choices, demonstrating in ways that trouble us, leave us unsettled, we are impacted by this news. Sometimes, our reaction is judgment, puzzlement, and upset. Sometimes, it’s disappointing, sorrowful and helplessness.

I have a friend whom I care about deeply, but for reasons I won’t get into here, I had to make a choice to “sunset” this relationship in my life. Despite my efforts to support, help and even tolerate with great patience how my friend showed up in our friendship, the impact upon my energy, my sanity and my emotional health required I draw a hard line in the sand around our involvement. It isn’t easy to make such decisions. In my work with clients, I see so much deeper their potential than what they see, know and believe in themselves; yet, I cannot force, coerce or insist upon anyone changing their choices, thinking, believing, and ultimately their way of being. I’m guided and trained to unconditionally love and support the path my clients take, and the pace in which they choose to travel it. But when it comes to loved ones, family members and friends, that task is challenging. We all experience this with sons, daughters, husbands, wives, parents, siblings, mates, lovers and friends. I am no exception in feeling frustration when I see someone I deeply care for show up unproductively, make unproductive choices, or worse, not making choices that can support and heal their hidden wounds and hurts.

I walk a fine line in my professional and personal relationships, and in both, I’ve learned that I cannot make anyone change, and it’s not my place to do so! When we attempt to change another, tell him or her how to live their life, what to do, insist on what they should do, we dishonor his and her own journey. Perhaps my friend is meant to struggle in this lifetime, as a means to understand how that experience feels. Perhaps the struggle is the path to “getting it” spiritually, to heal deep-seeded pride and arrogance, via the process of crashing and burning first. When addicts are ready to ask for help, they usually have to hit rock bottom first; our willingness to ask for help will come when we’ve hit rock bottom in misery, depression, exasperation, and sometimes, realization of the insanity of thinking things will be different when we keep doing the same thing over again.

We have to let go of our loved ones and let them travel their own path. We can be there to offer support, but we must also protect ourselves from that drain when they continuously ask for support, yet take no steps towards making healthy changes in their lives. We can offer them options, choices, and even express what we need in order to stay connected. This is when we must mind our own boundaries; enabling another does not help him or her. Judging choices, giving our opinions or advice is not helpful either. Unsolicited advice is no use to someone who has not requested it. We must trust that whatever our role in one’s life has been, there was a purpose, for both parties, and we did all we could during the time we traveled our paths together. If loved ones are still in our life, we can mind a boundary and offer our unconditional love and support. We can say prayers to guardian angels, and the Higher Power that loved ones are guided to get the help they need, led into the Light of wisdom, and the Love of God to wake up and know their higher truth within.

While I have eliminated contact, I still hold love and light in prayer for my friend. My heart and soul aches for my friend, but, and with difficulty at times, I cannot own responsibility for that life; it’s not mine to live, and it’s not mine to control. Your, my, each of our lives are under our own purview; we can only be responsible for our own choices, how we show up, how we uncover the Spiritual Truth of who we are, and how we live that truth in this life experience. The life experiences of our loved ones are for their own living, learning and self-discovery of a deeper love that is within, of who they spiritually are in the Oneness of Life.

Loving No Matter What

When people we love hurt us, we naturally feel anger, upset and disappointment. Yet we must understand and recognize that despite how they are showing up, they are doing their very best, the best that they can in these moments and circumstances from which they are living in the human experience. It is in this understanding that we are demonstrating unconditional love, for we accept their best efforts of love, no matter how it shows up.

Unconditional love does not mean that we must endure repeated heartache and disappointment, nor does it mean we must tolerate intolerable behavior, abuse or neglect. We are responsible for setting and honoring our own boundaries around what we deserve in friendships, family, work and romantic, any relationships of any kind. But understanding others through unconditional love, no matter how they show up, allows us our process of healing through forgiveness. Of course, we will be less than perfect at times in our relationships, being angry, hurt, and disappointed, all emotions which we must experience prior to the shift towards forgiveness. Grudges and resentment serves only to hold ourselves hostage in suffering; telling our victimization stories over and over to anyone who will listen, talking “smack” about the other person, and hurtful actions and/or words towards the other person in fear of vunerability, emotional breakdown and insecurity fail to move us forward in healthy healing.

In the grace and generosity of unconditional love, we can become more understanding and honoring of those that hurt us and the path upon which they travel. With conscious effort, we can feel gratitude for the experience, both of the pleasant moments of the relationship, and those less enjoyable that offer valuable teaching opportunities about who we are and how to move forward more productively. This task is challenging for we naturally move towards the negative aspects of the experience, supported by friends and family members who will feed such a perspective. While it is important to express those feelings, it’s also important we not wallow in the upset OR hold ourselves hostage within it. We must keep our heads above the quicksand and pull ourselves out of it so we can move forward with the intention of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t lip service but genuine energy flow of love for self and the other person despite the circumstances. With time and conscious effort, honest self-evaluation and a willingness to unconditionally honor another’s path, regardless of what we wanted and the resulting circumstances, we can begin the process towards healing in higher love and genuine forgiveness.

Life by our Design

Can we really design our life? I say YES we can!

I once believed that I was at the mercy of Life. Some of this came from a Catholic upbringing and hearing that as long as I pleased God, I would be rewarded; of course if I didn’t, I would be punished. Well-meaning as this teaching is, I learned that I didn’t deserve the goodness of God unless I proved my worth, my value. I also lived in a place of victimization believing that bad things happening to me was punishment from God. I (and so many of us do) hosted pity parties because my life wasn’t going the way I wanted it, people “did” things to me, and I had no control. I wallowed in this self-pity and placed myself in the category of “helpless.”

But when I came to understand God as a loving Source that desires us to experience all of God’s Goodness, I began to let go of the “stinking thinking” that I did deserved to be in the mess I was in. I made choices that created my mess – choices that didn’t serve me well, and as a result, unconsciously manifested less than desirable results: lack of financial flow, unfulfilling jobs, unhealthy relationships. Unwittingly, I chose to accept these as the “best” that God had to offer me, but in fact, I created these less than desirable circumstances because it is what I believed God believed I was worthy of having.

I couldn’t have been further from the truth and if you are thinking the same way, please stop! God loves us and provides for us, unconditionally. We can drive ourselves to insanity if we keep choosing to live life by what we think God wants us to do. Rather, God wants us to live our life based on what we want to do; there is divine guidance that propels us into a spiritual calling of service in some capacity. Lawyers serve; doctors serve; trash collectors serve. Our contributions, no matter how large or small, significantly contribute. But we are called to expand our willingness to serve in a greater way and more importantly, to receive more of the infinite possibilities of how to live this expanded life of goodness! When we open up to YES in our lives, to receiving more of the infinite abundance God has to offer, we begin to attract that into our experience. But we must open up to it; we must want it and we must believe it is ours to have. If we live from a place of self-pity, helplessness, a belief system of lack, unworthiness or that we’re not good enough in God’s or anyone else’s eyes, we shall forever block the flow God’s Goodness.

After having several unsuccessful relationships over the last eleven years, I began to see my heart’s yearning for true love as a lost cause. Stopping this pity party before it even began, I consciously reviewed these relationships and learned from them – what I wanted, didn’t want and what I knew I deserved. From here, I began creating a relationship with my Beloved by my own design. I affirmed he was out there through affirmative prayer, outlining who he was as an expression of God. I believed this man already in my life, “talking” to him once in a while, feeling him close to me as I lie in bed, and visualizing my day to day activities as if he was by my side. For a full year, I committed to this design I created, believing it and living it within myself. I'd done a great deal of relationship healing prior to this time, but it was through this exercise towards clarity that I was able to identify what I truly wanted. Today my Beloved exists in physical form and I’m starting a wonderful new life with him. I continue to affirm our relationship as perfect expression of God and all that God is – love, joy, harmony, peace, abundance, wisdom. I powerfully manifested him, and I didn’t have to work that hard to find him. He presented himself to me but I took the necessary steps to carry forward this manifestation into reality. And I’ve never been happier, or more in love with anyone in my entire life.

What do you want to design in your life? Believe that you can do this! But be clear on what you want. Without clarity, you will attract and create a whole mess of things if you’re not careful. Believe it or not, we each are very powerful in this ability to manifest that which we desire, in the negative or positive direction. If you’re not sure what you want but that you want something different, get help sorting through all the possibilities so you can clearly define what that is. It was through the support of my Spiritual Life Coach that I was able to recognize that I am employed by God as “God’s Building Contractor” of my Life. I’ve had a few remodels in this lifetime, but let me tell you that with each remodel, God’s House greatly expands to offer more meaningful and greater experiences.

Is your Life due for a remodel?