Old Baggage and Boogers

We as a human collective attach a great deal of value to the transitional shift of time in our celebration of the New Year. We take the past year and all it held, and put it behind us, sweeping it under the rug to some unknown place as we countdown the arrival of the new year. We look to the New Year as a fresh start, a new beginning to get things right, live happier lives, accomplish more, make better choices.  For me, I'm realizing I've seen each New Year as a rung on a ladder, another step in the journey of my life; but this is inaccurate. Every day of every year is a rung, a step in the journey. We place a great deal of stock, hope, and expectancy into a better and more prosperous New Year when if we held that same excitement, anticipation and motivation for change every day, our lives may be more fulfilling and happier. What an incredible burden we put on the shoulders of the New Year and Father Time!

Since my divorce, New Year's has historically been a bummer for me. Unless I had the distraction of a celebratory activity, I've spent New Year's Eve at home alone, wallowing in the hurt and lost of opportunity of New Year's Eve 1996.  On this particular night during what would be the last year of a struggling marriage, my then-husband called to inform me he wasn't coming home after work (we lived 45 minutes in the country) but rather going out his “friends” for New Year's Eve. I'd planned a nice dinner for us in the hope we could say farewell to a rocky past year that included a miscarriage, a regrettable purchase of a money pit, stressful renovations, and all the strife within our estranged relationship. I felt hurt and abandoned.

In the fifteen years since my divorce, I've spent more New Year's Eves home alone than not. In the past few years, I began the practice of making a list of all the positive things I'd accomplished, joyous moments, and positive experiences of the soon to pass year to help lessen the New Year blahs. Only this year, despite a positively wonderful year, I was left feeling unsettled, the blahs heavier than usual.  A couple of days ago, it was as if the spirit of New Year's Eve Past arrived to show me the vividness of New Year's Eve, 1996, bringing it to me front and center in the consciousness of my mind. The memory of my ex's phone call; the place I stood in the kitchen when he told me he wasn't coming home; the tears I cried over the kitchen sink; the realization (which I quickly shoved into denial) I was losing my husband.

For whatever reason, the Spirit of New Year's Eve Past took me back to this one night of heartache to face it after sixteen years; and to deal and heal this piece of my past.  Like so many others each and every New Year Eve past, I shoved it “under the rug," the depth of my unconsciousness, repressing the bad memory, the hurt without gleaning from them understanding, wisdom, or finding forgiveness and healing. I unconsciously hung my “pity party hat” each December 31^st on this one event of my past for fifteen years.  I've been unconsciously wallowing in and/or running away from that one holiday eve experience, which in a sense is what we all tend to do as we ring out the old and ring in the new? Now it registers as an energetic blip on my awareness radar, and so my healing around it is a work in progress.   

The problem with running from our past experiences, mistakes and choices is that a chase ensues; the old baggage will not let up on us, and is always following us as we move into each new year. Only until we are willing to stop, turn around and confront that from which we are seeking to leave behind in the past year, it will chase us into each new year. We must embrace what we are running from for it is a part of and the point of our journey – to learn from it, grow from it, and choose anew as a result of it. 

 

Here's another off-the-wall way of looking at this: Old baggage that we drag into each year, most often unconsciously, is like a sticky booger we can't seem to get off our finger. Only until we stop and look purposefully with intent at the culprit to see what it is about and where we are in relationship to it, then we can figure out how to be rid of it, once and for all.  In doing so, we may go about the business of living our lives booger/baggage free.

Facing and acknowledging past hurts, disappointments, and less-than-stellar choices allow us to become friends with it, and leads us to forgiveness, and greater love and acceptance of ourselves and those players in our past.  It can also provide us with an appreciation of the insight of wisdom which frees us to move forward in our lives to bigger and greater experiences of joy, abundance, and love.

New Year, Right People

How's 2012 going for you? It's already the second week of February and I'm taking inventory of my efforts in achieving my goals for 2012. This time of the New Year tends to be when one's level of focus and commitment for making changes begins to wane as distractions takes place and discouragement sets in. To stay the course towards success, we must stop and reassess where we are, what we've accomplished, recalibrate our direction, and recommit ourselves in productively moving forward.

I set my mind to accomplish a number of things this year. I diligently conduct my daily meditation and prayer, especially on the weekends when I'd usually slack. Another simple but important goal is to nightly clean my face of makeup. Laziness often deterred me from healthy skincare, so I cleanse immediately upon arriving home after work. I also joined a gym and have managed two visits a week. Four times a week would be ideal but in reaching goals, we must acknowledge and celebrate the baby steps we take towards achieving that goal. We are not striving to be perfect overnight, but to gradually initiate change as we create a new habit. I made a decision to do more writing this year, and while its been a couple of weeks since my last entry, I averaged one blog entry a week in January. Now, I am writing a blog for work (Unique Bodies-Determined Souls) which is a huge thrill for me, so writing is definitely a commitment I'm honoring. I'm also infusing my financial life and am pleased to have already achieved one of four goals I set for this year! So as I sit and review my efforts over these last six weeks, I recognize I've accomplished more than I thought;  thus, the importance of regular reevaluation, recalibration of the course, and a re-commitment to the goals.

My dear friend Leah shared a beautiful article on New Year's Eve titled, Thirty Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  Upon reviewing the list, I was tickled to see I've accomplished a majority of this list; but it's good to review and reassess how you are living your life. A few on the list I can stand to address, and another few I have accomplished but may need to improve on the tasks. I've decided to share one item on this list with you via Journey Wisdom over the next several months with a few words of personal wisdom you may or may not find of value. I learned I don't know it all but I know a lot through personal experience, and if I open myself to listen to others' words of wisdom gleaned from their own personal experiences, I may add a little something to my own wisdom treasure chest. After all, we are all in this life experience together; why not support each other and be supported in the journey? This first item is a humdinger, one of which I spent a better part of 2011 addressing.

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.

As a part of my “reawakening” in 2011, I realized unhealthy connections with people. I regret none of them, but 2010 and 2011 was spent keeping company with people who were unsupportive of me being my best. We each have our own definition of what “wrong people” means to us, so here I focus on defining what the “right people" are for me. I spend time with people who honor, respect, and even value my opinions, ideas, and beliefs. These individuals don't have to agree with me but they allow me to speak my truth while having a mature, respectful dialogue to facilitate understanding without judgment or retribution. My “right people” handle disagreements and conflicts with maturity that includes calm productive discussion, an openness to see both sides of the argument, and like me, have a willingness, when appropriate, to concede responsibility and/or misunderstanding, rather than blame and make excuses. They recognize I authentically speak my mind and my truth, even if it isn't what they want to hear just as I will listen to them.   My “right people” know I will call them out on their crap, and that I do it because I love and care for them, otherwise I wouldn't waste my time, energy or breath. My “right people” are compassionate, open-minded, considerate of others, sensitive, loving, and live within integrity, character and honesty.  We contribute our best to our relationship, and we work through our worst together, rather than try to bring each other down into ugliness, drama and hatefulness. The people I associate with are reflections of who I am and my multifaceted personality, my character, my spirit, and my values. They are supportive, not destructive.

It may seem easier to stay in a relationship that brings us down than to expend the energy required to leave it. In removing myself from the “wrong people”, I experienced a backlash from those who were hurt by my decision, and a sorrow within stemming from my grief of the loss. I took the time I needed to get clear on who I am as a person, and who I want to surround myself with as a reflection of me and my values. Eliminating the wrong people in your life doesn't mean you wish them ill-will, but it's important you render forgiveness where its needed, including for yourself, and send them love and blessings each day.  As the photo quote above says, If someone makes you more miserable than they make you happy, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let them go.

Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go!

It's a New Year and I sincerely hope you all safely and joyously celebrated! I bless and thank 2011 for all it provided so I may prepare to move forward in excitement and anticipation for 2012.

If you read my last post, you know I did some serious “shedding” in 2011. The year facilitated stripping myself of Egoic pride, and surrendering completely to the guidance and flow of God in my life. A few months ago in a phone conversation with my former spiritual teacher, I explained I felt like I'd spent most of 2011 “waking up” from a really bad dream. She gently stated, “Carolyn, you've been grieving for the last two years, and you're coming out of it.” It never occurred to me I was in a grief for over two years; I mean, I felt better about my mom's passing, though I still had moments. But when I stopped to ponder Deb's words, I grieved many losses that started before my mom's death, and that I continued to experience since through 2011.

Worse, I was making major decisions from that place of grief! I remember reading somewhere you are not to make any major decisions for a year after a loved one passes. Well, I certainly didn't listen to that sage advice! I moved to Evansville to be closer to a man I'd just met only a few months before and had agreed to marry. I started a new business, offering holistic, metaphysical services in an area unfamiliar with such concepts. I made poor financial decisions; I renegotiated my values for friendships. In hindsight, and gratefully I look back laughing at the whirlwind that was my life. While I wasn't so amused last summer, now I can laugh when I look back at the last three years thanks to a healing process, and jestfully ask myself: What were you thinking?!? And damn, if you didn't have some cahonas!

That wild and crazy ride had its good stuff too!! I met some amazingly warm and welcoming business people in Evansville (Rainmakers) who supported me despite not fully understanding what it was I did! I shared some fun, pee-in-your-pants laughter, and memorable times with classmates in a few wild and haphazard adventures. I had the honor to serve some incredible clients through my business, Healing Life Energy. I familiarized myself and connected within the community of Evansville, Indiana where I called home for nineteen months. I came home and reconnected with Owensboro, Kentucky, and my extended family members and acquaintances of the past. I am employed and in service to a wonderful non-profit organization serving to empower others, a mission resonating with my heart's own desire. And I'm closer to my father, committed to serving him in his aging years, and more importantly, restoring and healing my relationship with him.

For the first time in over three years, I feel like my life is in alignment, and I am exactly where I am suppose to be right now. In 2009, I made decisions out of emotion. In 2010, I made decisions both emotionally and intellectually. In 2011, my Spirit's voice broke through the clutter that was my life so I may truly recognize and know my heart. Upon my decision to return to Owensboro, everything felt right in that moment in my heart, in my soul. My “head” argued to convince me not to walk away from all that I'd achieved, none of which left me feeling happy or fulfilled. A weight released, the burden of carrying/wearing a plan, perhaps even a facade, as designed by the Human Ego.

The feeling of inner certainty, an absolute knowing within of God's plan broke through the chaos that was my life when I opened myself up to listen. Once the message was received and accepted, when I surrendered to it, allowed myself to be in the flow of Life, things began to shift in my favor. All I had to do was be present, surrender, open myself up to receive, and allow.

I regret nothing of these last three years. All of it I value, despite how things ended, that things ended as they did. I wouldn't trade it because now, I know what it feels like to swim against the current. And I now know what it feels like to swim completely in the flow of Life. Now, it's easier. Joyous. Peaceful. Harmonious. Stress-free.

Yes, I'm excited about my life and 2012, and through this blog, I will share that excitement and all the year brings forth in my experience. I'm awake! I'm centered! I'm clear! I'm ready!

2011: Shedding Baggage like Snakes Shed Skin

Study the past if you would divine the future. ~Confucious

Each year I take an opportunity to prepare myself for leaving a year behind and starting one anew. Many are ready to get on with it, giving little to no thought to the past year and its good, bad and ugly, while others, like myself, reflect.

A year is a mile in the journey of life we travel. Wallowing in one's past with regrets is not recommended, but honestly “revisiting” the past year's experiences is a helpful study of the landscape for the last “mile” traveled this life. Reflective attitude of willingness to acknowledge one's mistakes, less than stellar moments and choices, coupled with a resolve to own responsibility and consciously commit to change one's ways are keys towards creating a better new year. Holding/Living in regret, anger, guilt, resentment, vindictiveness and wishful thinking invites the Human Ego (and its pride) to further nurture grudges, deepen resentment, and fester in blame. Law of Attraction states: what you put out in the Universe boomerangs back to you more of the same in your life.

I choose a journey free of excess baggage. “Reliving” and “stewing in” past experiences is unproductive. The new year offers an opportunity for reflection, contemplation, and re-evaluation, ideally done with compassion for self and others while objectively observing one's personal choices and actions as if watching a movie. My favorite approach involves visualizing myself sitting in a movie theater, watching the movie that has been my life in 2011. From this vantage point, and in a prayerful meditative state to hear God's guidance, we detach from the events' emotional plug-ins to witness what transpired and how we “performed” within them. Feelings may be felt, but in the observer position, their energetic grasp loosens within a reflective state of mind. This review requires purposeful willingness to be truthful with ourselves from a spiritual/God-centered place, which invites Divine wisdom and insight into the review. This approach facilitates shifting of our Ego-focused and -driven emotional obsession around past events into recognition of our responsibilities within them; it creates an openness to become more forgiving, of our self and others, and thus, the process of healing which opens the door to inner peace and harmony; and it opens a greater awareness of how to move forward more productively into the next year. We also realize the positives we experienced, accomplishments we achieved, and successes we enjoyed. We must celebrate it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

For me, 2011 involved a great deal of decluttering my life of unproductive people, patterns, and habits. Just as a snake sheds its skin, I needed to physically and energetically shed a great deal, things once comforting to me but no longer serving my highest and best good. I resisted this shedding process. Upon review of the difficult and heartbreaking events of the year, I recognized my pattern to negotiate and compromise my values in the name of keeping peace. I tried to carry “baggage” that weighed me down, both vibrationally and emotionally, when it no longer offered anything of value in my life. Lesson #1 for 2011: If a situation, a career, a relationship (family, friend, romantic), a habit, a practice or a pattern fails to create, offer or facilitate peace, joy, harmony, and love in my experience, it doesn't belong in my life. Some situations and people that I hung on to, clung to out of hope and fear, dragged me down; I held on in the hope things would get better, improve or change. My efforts compromised my authenticity and sense of self as I avoided making heartbreaking and difficult choices to change or redefine circumstances, relationships, habits, and patterns in my life. Lesson #2 for 2011: I can only control who I am, how I show up through my words, thoughts, choices, and actions, and recognize I can't control how others show up, think, choose or act.

I faced some stormy weather in 2011 that led to hard decisions and major changes in my life: unexpected financial hits, disenchantment in a career path I spent 2010 blazing, loss of a beloved pet, draining relationships and their heartbreaking end, family transitions, unemployment, and foggy confusion as I struggled to regain clarity of who I am and my purpose in this life. I worked jobs I didn't want until I secured the one reflecting my passion for serving and empowering others. I grieved the loss of business and personal connections, developed new relationships, and strengthen existing ones while eliminating those that drained me. I held “Come to Jesus” meetings with myself about my health, dating life, spiritual practices, and my purpose in life. I reclaimed a drama-free zone, realigned myself with my value system, and faced my personal challenges with humility. I dug deeper in my personal power to stand against disrespect, bullying, and verbal abuse, as well as to ask for what I want and deserve. I cried, laughed, and forgave. I eliminated anything that threatens my experience of peace, joy, love and harmony in my life. I regained a foothold of centered strength in my spiritual truth, authenticity, values and guiding principles in the face of overwhelm, hopelessness, vindictiveness, disappointments. I reclaimed my life. I reclaimed me.

My reclamation is a process continuing into 2012. 2011 revealed I compromised my principles, my values, and my higher consciousness over the last two years. It was a year to deepened my faith that God's got my back, guiding me, providing for me, and supporting me through dark times along the journey. For the first time since my mom died, I'm actually excited about Life, and about my life and the opportunities available to me. No doubt there will be bumps, detours and roadblocks attempting to deter me, distract me and even derail me along this next mile of my journey. But I am prepared to assertively move through them, to circumvent them, and if necessary, eliminate them from my path.

Thank you 2011 and everyone who facilitated my personal growth last year! Hello, 2012, let's roll! Happy New Year to you all!

Fare Thee Well 2010

It’s time to bid farewell to 2010, and annually, I take time to reflect on the year’s highlights and lowlights; 2010 was an eleven-page document! No wonder I feel exhausted at this end of this year!

Lowlights included continuing life without my mother who passed in September 2009. While the grief eased considerably with time, it stirred up as the one-year mark of her transition neared. In taking time for myself in the month before the anniversary to heal, I moved through it with greater grace than I expected. Another lowlight was my love life, and its on- and off-again saga. In hindsight, I had no idea the extent of the drama I put myself through: an engagement, a broken engagement, a move into my own place, a “working things out” phase, and the constant harassment I endured after announcing “I’m done with all of this.” And yet even in the last month, I gave one more benefit of the doubt in offering another chance in response to pleas of desperation to turn things around. Thankfully, in a Kamikaze-style (self-sabotage that kills any chances of any future relationship, never mind contact, respect and trust) act on the part of the mastermind that has been the writer, director, and actor in this theater production, the curtain has finally closed. Of course, I recognize and acknowledge my role as co-star in this tragicomedy; now I know I should’ve bowed out after Act One started! But live and learn! While stressful, emotionally challenging, and extremely disappointing to watch someone I love show up less than authentically, even delusional, I am grateful for the learning and growth opportunity. I learned even more deeply the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness. I also remembered once again that I can only change how I show up, and that I can’t change another, no matter how much I love him.

2010 highlights included the ever-increasing success of my business: Soaring Dove Connection/Healing Life Energy. Starting my business from the ground up in new and foreign territory in February 2010, I am humbled and honored by the amazing support of the spiritual, professional, and business community. I’ve never experienced such amazing generosity and warm welcome upon my arrival. I am blessed with fabulous clients whose spirits I adore, and who I enjoy getting to know better each time we meet. And I’m truly honored and blessed to be living my dream of serving others in my commitment and service to Spirit/God. Another highlight was the launch of the Mentoring program and the opportunity to witness six human beings expand their inner spiritual lights. In working with them, and all my clients, I give thanks daily to have the opportunity to see God’s beauty of each and every person who crosses the threshold of Soaring Dove Connection/Healing Life Energy. Another highlight of 2010 was my training with Healing Touch and the wonderful people I met in St. Louis, Asheville, and Loveland/Cincinnati. I have experienced professional growth as an energy therapist and in 2011, I forge ahead towards certification. I look forward to continued professional and personal growth as I grow as a energy healer, a business woman and a Source of Light on Planet Earth.



Another festive and fun highlight in 2010 was the fun I had with my "Gal-Pal Posse." (pictured here; check out the orb in our pic!) These former classmates and I enjoyed a couple of slumber parties (yes, middle-aged women still know how to have a good time!), several Friday after Five’s in Owensboro, swim parties, and a drive-in excursion, all of which were just what the soul doctor ordered for this woman’s exhausted soul spirit!

And so, we move into 2011; I invite you take some time before popping your champagne cork, and tooting those blow horns at midnight to take stock of your 2010. Doing so is very empowering when you see all the accomplishments and good times that were had. The lowlights don’t seem so bad when you position them against all the good stuff and blessings you enjoyed through the year. And when you see all the good stuff, you are empowered and motivated to want more, to go for more in 2011. After all, we are the Creator of our reality; God gave you and me this gift of Life, Creative Power of Choice, and personally, I’m going to make the most of it so that my choices and actions honor that gift. Won’t you join me? Celebrate 2010 and safely welcome 2011!

Happy New Year!

Reflections in the Silence

I’m currently at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, Kentucky, just outside of Bardstown on a “silent” retreat; I’m unsure if it’s considered truly silent if I am sharing my thoughts through this venue. But in the silence, the opportunity provides one a means in which to get away from the noisy business of everyday life to really listen, to God from Within.

Most of the areas at the Abbey are designated as silent areas, including the Retreat House hallways, rooms, stairwells, dining areas (with the exception of one), library and outdoor areas where marked; retreat guests can not even use their cell phones in their rooms. Guests arrive after 11 a.m. on a Friday or a Monday and stay through the following Monday or Friday, respectively. Meals are provided three times a day, and all of this is offered by the monks for a love offering of whatever means you are able. Additionally, the monks maintain a daily schedule of services, in which they sing, chant and offer the Eucharist, in addition to their other responsibilities. Retreat guests may also enjoy over 2000 acres of walking paths in nature, though I believe this weekend, many of us will not stray too far from the warmth of the Retreat House!

I’d heard many wonderful things about this place, and originally called in late September with the hopes of being able to “get away” shortly after my mother passed. But everyone else must've heard wonderful things too, as the Abbey was booked through 2009 with this weekend of January being the first available to reserve. I trusted the Divine timing, and decided to use this weekend as a time to reflect on 2009, a ritual I do annually in order to truly appreciate all that I accomplished, overcame and learned throughout the year. I usually take time to decide what my new year will look like.

I will most definitely reflect on the year past, and from it glean much appreciation of my courage, strength, authenticity, and perseverance, as well as my successes and my losses. Yes, appreciation in the losses is important to find for it is in the closing of doors that other new opportunities are opened. In honoring those experiences, we open ourselves to receive greater good in our lives. In releasing unproductive energies of anger, resentment, we find peace through forgiveness, not simply of others but also of ourselves for our choices. And if we are all striving for peace on Earth, then let it begin with each of us, right? It’s a simple choice, but one that takes great courage to do.

As for planning 2010, well, I had a plan for 2009 and that really didn't turn out so great. Goes to show that sometimes, God presents detours that take us in a different direction, regardless of our best laid plans. Instead, I will continue living as I have lived the latter half of 2009 - one day at a time and in the moment. I have a sense of my direction - this Guidance has been given to me. But I am stepping back from being attached to how it all needs to look, and what exactly I must be doing to make all that happen. I'm tuned in more than ever to that Divine Guidance and even, sometimes to my Gemini annoyance, when I don't know "what's next," I always know that when it's time to be revealed, I'll get it. I've learned to trust and pay attention to when Divine Clarity is revealed. It's through this surrendering to the flow of the Universe working in my life that leaves me living my life in awe. The power of God working through us is amazing if we can simply let go and let God.

Here's to silence; may we find more of it in our life, if its only for five minutes a day. Let God talk to you. And simply listen.

Out with the Old, In with the New

Happy New Year! I’ve not posted in a while as I’ve hunkered down to get through the holidays. I for one am very excited to say farewell to 2009 – all of it. What a ride! And it sucked many times, and yet, if I stop and REALLY look at it, I can find SO much joy in it too. Don’t stay stuck on what wasn’t great about the year, but look between the illusions and see what good stuff showed up. Despite having lost a parent, a job and a home, I enjoyed quality time with my mom before she passed and the smiles and love she gave me before she left this realm. I reconnected with some old high school friends who awed me with their love, support and their prayers during challenging times. I had beautiful friendship and support from my Colorado peeps that sent their healing love and light to Kentucky. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man who graced my life with patience and insurmountable support during my mother’s illness and after her death. I was given the opportunity to reinvent myself professionally, and am excited to build a practice as a Spiritual Life Coach. I have been blessed with locals who have extended their welcome in a place where I have no close friends, no spiritual community, and no extended support system nearby. I enjoyed a beautiful Kentucky summer and fall and all its Southeast flowers and birds. My family and I enjoyed the amazing support of relatives, friends and neighbors in the way of food, visits, caretaker breaks, and prayers.

I could keep going and if you look closely enough, you could too. There is nothing more thrilling to me than new beginnings; I wonder if I’m not addicted to them having been through so many major transitions in my life! But in welcoming the new, we must honor the old and what it offered in life lessons, abundance and joy, love and wisdom, for through the heartaches and challenges of the year, this is where find them, if we consciously choose to do so. If we do not honor the past year of our life, we minimize this leg of our journey, and all that we’ve come through in its travel.

Happy New Year everyone!

Namaste.