Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go!

It's a New Year and I sincerely hope you all safely and joyously celebrated! I bless and thank 2011 for all it provided so I may prepare to move forward in excitement and anticipation for 2012.

If you read my last post, you know I did some serious “shedding” in 2011. The year facilitated stripping myself of Egoic pride, and surrendering completely to the guidance and flow of God in my life. A few months ago in a phone conversation with my former spiritual teacher, I explained I felt like I'd spent most of 2011 “waking up” from a really bad dream. She gently stated, “Carolyn, you've been grieving for the last two years, and you're coming out of it.” It never occurred to me I was in a grief for over two years; I mean, I felt better about my mom's passing, though I still had moments. But when I stopped to ponder Deb's words, I grieved many losses that started before my mom's death, and that I continued to experience since through 2011.

Worse, I was making major decisions from that place of grief! I remember reading somewhere you are not to make any major decisions for a year after a loved one passes. Well, I certainly didn't listen to that sage advice! I moved to Evansville to be closer to a man I'd just met only a few months before and had agreed to marry. I started a new business, offering holistic, metaphysical services in an area unfamiliar with such concepts. I made poor financial decisions; I renegotiated my values for friendships. In hindsight, and gratefully I look back laughing at the whirlwind that was my life. While I wasn't so amused last summer, now I can laugh when I look back at the last three years thanks to a healing process, and jestfully ask myself: What were you thinking?!? And damn, if you didn't have some cahonas!

That wild and crazy ride had its good stuff too!! I met some amazingly warm and welcoming business people in Evansville (Rainmakers) who supported me despite not fully understanding what it was I did! I shared some fun, pee-in-your-pants laughter, and memorable times with classmates in a few wild and haphazard adventures. I had the honor to serve some incredible clients through my business, Healing Life Energy. I familiarized myself and connected within the community of Evansville, Indiana where I called home for nineteen months. I came home and reconnected with Owensboro, Kentucky, and my extended family members and acquaintances of the past. I am employed and in service to a wonderful non-profit organization serving to empower others, a mission resonating with my heart's own desire. And I'm closer to my father, committed to serving him in his aging years, and more importantly, restoring and healing my relationship with him.

For the first time in over three years, I feel like my life is in alignment, and I am exactly where I am suppose to be right now. In 2009, I made decisions out of emotion. In 2010, I made decisions both emotionally and intellectually. In 2011, my Spirit's voice broke through the clutter that was my life so I may truly recognize and know my heart. Upon my decision to return to Owensboro, everything felt right in that moment in my heart, in my soul. My “head” argued to convince me not to walk away from all that I'd achieved, none of which left me feeling happy or fulfilled. A weight released, the burden of carrying/wearing a plan, perhaps even a facade, as designed by the Human Ego.

The feeling of inner certainty, an absolute knowing within of God's plan broke through the chaos that was my life when I opened myself up to listen. Once the message was received and accepted, when I surrendered to it, allowed myself to be in the flow of Life, things began to shift in my favor. All I had to do was be present, surrender, open myself up to receive, and allow.

I regret nothing of these last three years. All of it I value, despite how things ended, that things ended as they did. I wouldn't trade it because now, I know what it feels like to swim against the current. And I now know what it feels like to swim completely in the flow of Life. Now, it's easier. Joyous. Peaceful. Harmonious. Stress-free.

Yes, I'm excited about my life and 2012, and through this blog, I will share that excitement and all the year brings forth in my experience. I'm awake! I'm centered! I'm clear! I'm ready!

Five of the Seven Deadly Sins Practiced in Christmas

The madness of Black Friday kicks off our holiday season as shoppers ring in the season with pepper spray and knives, shoves and pushes. Frenzied traffic as holiday shoppers forget their manners and their Christian principles blocking intersections and cutting people off as they scramble to fulfill the societal obligation of Christmas duties. Insane holiday party schedules disconnect us from the reason of the season. Like Cindy Lou Who, I wonder where Christmas is. I see hypocrisy, greed, glutton and the pursuit for the perfect Christmas holiday. I use to be one of these people, especially when I was married: the perfect menu that wows; the prettiest wrapped packages; the spirited decorations in every room of the house; a list of 100 for holiday cards; the most festive Christmas outfit. The older I've gotten, the less I enjoy Christmas when I see how our country, a society participates within it.

Many believe and preach the true reason for the season is Jesus Christ, and I agree; but I hold little confidence in the majority's belief when I witness such gluttony, and hypocrisy, practiced by the pious faith of Christianity. Somehow, I can't imagine Jesus would be okay with his followers behaving, both individually and towards others, in the spectacle of celebrating his birth through gluttony (excessive gifting, food, celebration), greed (perpetuation through gluttony), wrath (anger/rage in traffic, Black Friday), envy (wanting for Christmas what they don't have), and even pride (being more attractive or better through decorating, gift giving). Aren't these a few of the seven deadly sins? I grew up Catholic and understand the significance of Christ's birth; yet, despite the high-tech praise and glory power of Christmas services around the country, I see Christianity, never mind our society as a whole, losing sight of the meaning of Christmas. If Jesus really is the reason for the season, why do so many participate in this holiday madness? The Wise Men gave only three gifts, fine gifts, but they were in honor of Jesus, not to “wow,” impress, meet expectation, or earn favor. This season is about giving from one's heart, in honor and celebration of the person to whom we give, not because its “what we do” or expected of us.

Let the children enjoy Santa, but within reason. Do they really need all the latest and greatest of every trendy toy, electronic, fashion or gadget that's out there? What are we teaching children if not gluttony, avarice, and pride? Are we buying gifts because its expected and pressured of us? Do we endow so many gifts upon our loved ones to prove our love, materialisticly demonstrate how we value them, or worse, to absolve guilt, or win love and favor? Children should enjoy the experience of Santa's visit; it's part of tradition, and if I had children, I'd do the same thing, but within reason. A high school friend recently shared a story of a mutual classmate who purchased goats, chickens and cows for the poor in other countries through Heifer International in honor of her kids. Her kids will get a few small things to open on Christmas day but Mom decided they really didn't need anything since they are well provided for all year long. What a beautiful gift she's giving to her children: lessons about sharing abundance; global awareness; and the lesson of unconditional giving!

I've chosen to practice the true to the meaning of Christmas this year. I don't need or want anything, and have told my family so. I have a warm bed to sleep in, a home sheltering me, food, a good job, and friends. And my family doesn't need anything either. I decided to give the spirit of Christmas to my family instead: gifts given to those who are in need. I adopted two senior citizens with little income and no family, and given food to the food bank so those who are struggling can have a family meal. I also donated money to a local charity serving those who face an uphill battle to do the simplest things in life. I've also spent hours doing something I express creatively through my heart – baking. I've gifted those who've given me so much this year in my life with these sweet goodies.

The meaning of Christmas is about giving from our heart. As we were gifted by God an incredible teacher named Jesus Christ, the giving was simple without decorative fanfare and exorbitant extravagance. The Wise Men humbly gave small, simple, symbolic gifts without expectation of something in return. Their gift was of honor and appreciation for the presence of God's gift to the world. The gift of the Heart touches another's Heart, symbolic of God's Light and Love.

The Season of Giving is about quality, not quantity. God's gift was simple but powerful: a baby born in a manger, given to teach us of the power of Love, Peace, Joy and Forgiveness. While our Christian society, both those “year-round” and “once a year” participants talk a good talk of putting “Christ” back into the reason for the season, I invite us all to really contemplate our holiday practices and actions, and how they are overshadowing the true meaning of Christmas.

The Gift of One's Heart

I'm learning a lot about myself lately, and my heart. For many years I tightly guarded my heart after others disappointed, abandoned and/or simply abused it. Over the last few years, I've found the courage to open my heart again, risking it despite the heartache of the past. In opening my heart, I was able to release heartache, through the process of healing and forgiveness, of both myself and others. I spent a lot of time on the initial clean up of an emotional mess left unattended for many years. Now, regular maintenance is required, on an “as needed” basis. Over the last few months, life has required me to do some deeper cleaning and clearing.

Through this latest process, I realize I share my heart freely, authentically; I hold nothing back. I open it to most people, and I've learned to trust my intuitive guidance when discretion is necessary. I also realize giving my heart to others still involves risking its exposure to bitterness stemming from the recipient's own low self esteem or shame. I risk being taken advantage of by those with self-serving agendas. I also risk my heart being accepted, then left hanging out to dry, unattended and alone. Opening one's heart involves a great deal of risk. Having kept my heart behind a steel wall for many years, there are days I question my decision to open it up to others.

My heart is full of love, and it aches to share the overflow of love within it. When shared, my heart is not always warmly received, appreciated, or even accepted. My heart extends love to my closest friends who recognize, honor and reciprocate the precious gift of love and the courage it took for me to share my heart fully with them. I extend my heart to my family who, like most typical families, take it for granted, except my mother who always let me know how much she appreciated and valued my expressions of love. Over the years, I've offered my heart to many men who: abused and battered out of their own sense of unworthiness; was blinded by fear of its loving light; took for granted my heart's selfless devotion of its love; simply didn't want, or know how or what to do with it, and/or mismanaged it. I offer my heart to strangers, people in need, students, and clients. I offer my heart through my writing.

Whenever someone demonstrates a lack of appreciation, respect or care towards my offering, I continue to re-serve him or her my heart again, and again, and again, to a point where its is left bruised, exhausted, and in pain. Perhaps I'm making up for time lost when I withheld my heart from the world; or maybe I'm avoiding rejection, which would imply then, I believe its my loss if someone does not accept with appreciation my heart. I'm realizing in this latter possibility, “no,” that's not true.

Upon one's rejection of my heart, despite my countless attempts to offer it, my heart and I retreat and engage in an inner debate about returning to the steel prison from which it came. With each person's refusal, I'm recognizing my pattern of subjecting myself to continuous rejection with each attempt to give my heart away. Continuously subjugating oneself to another's rejection is an acceptance in belief one is unworthy of something better. Perhaps, maybe, I need to offer my heart in the same fashion they offer the finality of sales at auctions: “Going once, going twice, gone......!”

I believe in people, often times more than they believe in themselves, and their potential to receive and generously give love from their own heart. Many beautiful people I've met just once in my life, and many who have remained an integral part of my life, have shared their hearts freely, and together, we created a beautiful heart connection, loving unconditionally, believing in each other. In my family life, I unconditionally love but without sacrificing my heart for acceptance. In my friendships, I hold close to me those who value my heart, and release with blessings of love from afar those who take it for granted.

And in my romantic life, I'm learning my heart deserves, at minimum, its equal in willingness, respect, and appreciation of its expression of love and care for another, and nothing less. I'm beginning to understand for me to tolerate anything less is simply me not loving and valuing myself and my heart. And if this is the case, how can I possibly expect another to love and value my heart and its generosity?