A Letter from My Valentine

Happy Valentine's everyone! This Valentine's Day is more special this year than it ever has been and I wanted to share the beautiful letter I received from my Valentine. Wishing you all love.  C~

Dearest Carolyn,

Our relationship has seen its ups and downs.  We’ve been through a lot together and yet here we still are. There have been times you doubted that this relationship should even continue.  I understand. It got hard.  At times, it would’ve been easier to check out, end things and move on to the next life. But you fought for yourself, for us.  You have such a strength like I’ve never seen in anyone else. I’m so grateful for your strength.  Your heart is so big, so full of love that even in the darkest of times, you chose love.  You found love in yourself. You managed to find love for others despite their darkest veneer and transgressions against you. You never gave up.  I am so grateful for your love, and so proud of your perseverance.

You give your love so freely, so willingly to others.  I must admit I have been jealous at times of how much love you have invested in others, leaving me to feel excluded. I’ve watched you love others unconditionally, yet tolerating so much from them that no one should tolerate.  I have witnessed your heart breaking so many times, and ached for you to embrace my love, which at times never seemed good enough for you.  But I believed in you. I knew our love would one day align, so I stayed close, waiting for you to recognize my love, the unconditional love you are so very worthy of; that others in your life were unable to give you. They say patience is a virtue. It’s been hard watching you look to others to fill a void that I myself knew, have always known I could fill for you.

I waited.  I watched you suffer through one heart break after another.  I know you considered giving up, but I’m so grateful you didn’t. I’m so thankful that you remembered I was here, and that you decided to turn to me for that infinite love you’ve been seeking from everyone else.  No one loves you more than I do. No one.  It took you a while to see me, to remember I am here, I have always been here for you.  How joyous I was when you realized it was me; that it was me that has loved you from the start.  You are a beautiful woman, strong, independent yet willing to be vulnerable when necessary.  You have a vibrancy that’s been missing many years, but finally is back, brighter than ever.  Your inner Light shines through your smile, your eyes, your heart, and the wonder you have for life.

You’ve been through a lot and you’ve risen from each occasion a better woman, a better human, a brighter Light every time. I’ve never seen you more genuine, authentic as I see you today.  You’re courageous and willing to stand for what’s true for you, and to share that truth in support of others.  You are a loving creature and in knowing this, my love deepens daily for you.  My love has always been unconditional; you needed time to come around to accepting that this is the kind of love you need and deserve in your life. How glad I waited with patience! My heart leaps with joy knowing you have arrived at this understanding and now we can be united, embraced in this unconditional love.

Happy Valentine’s my dear Carolyn.  I love you. I love you. I love you.

With much love,

Your God Self

Last Stop: Reconciliation Station

I walked away from a three year relationship a year ago this weekend. I felt peace around the decision, though my heart felt great pain. The love I felt for this man was one I’d not ever felt for any other man. But in my heart of hearts, emotional intelligence knew the relationship wasn’t what it needed to be, nor what I deserved.

Knowing that truth didn’t ease the intense heartache I felt, or the emotions of grief from the loss.

The relationship was a good one – we enjoyed each other’s company and I laughed more often than I ever cried. I was treated well, as the man I love was generous in many ways, supportive and caring. Other than a few times when he felt (I realize in hindsight) cornered into an emotionally uncomfortable situation, he was kind, gentle and respectful towards me with his words. His relationship management choices were not always so respectful toward me and my feelings, but again, with 20/20 hindsight vision, I recognize how some behaviors and actions supported his goal of compartmentalizing v. integrating me and our relationship in his life.

My feelings for him were like none I had ever felt for a man. I loved him unconditionally, despite his unproductive choices and actions in our relationship. The decision to end our three years together was hard given the fact that I love the man. It was a good decision, regardless of my heartache.

For a year leading up to that decision, I struggled with how things were between us, and that we were not heading in the direction I had been repeatedly reassured we were going. Add to that the pink elephant in the relationship: his non-expression of love for me. Year Three opened the blinds to shine the Light of Truth on the situation. Initially, I chose to hide in the shadows for a while, not wanting to see the reality of our relationship. The Light continued to expand and reveal the truth of “what is”, and still, I chose to turn my eyes away, blinding myself, and others with excuses I made for him on his behalf. I argued with myself, claiming that I needed to be more patient. I was just fooling myself and making a fool out of myself. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I knew the truth. Once I chose to face the Light, look more closely at our relationship and the man I love, doubts created the stepping stones I needed to walk toward the hard reality: this man wasn’t that into me, and worse, he and I didn’t really have a future together as he’d led me to believe.

For several months, I questioned him about our future, seeking relief from the glaring light of clarity. There were temporary moments of shade, but the heat of truth burned upon me over and over again. In the month leading up to the perpetual Moment of Truth, I eventually realized I had two choices: miserably continue in a relationship that was real to only one of us, or live in greater self-respect and peace without the man I love.

A year later, I made that difficult choice, and its heartache remains an emotionally wise scar in my memory and heart. Fortunately, the grief and pain are not as intense, and my thoughts are less consumed by the loss, though I think fondly everyday of the man I love. I miss him and his friendship. I’m realizing I can still love him, but just not be in a relationship with him. I’m learning I can share my heart brimming of love with others – my beagles, my family, friends, the children I serve at work, strangers, and most importantly, myself. I’m learning that there are many people in my life who value and appreciate me, my heart and the love it offers. Today, I close in on freedom from any of resentment around this experience. I realize I must find forgiveness for him; and self-forgiveness for allowing myself to love and believe him more than I loved and believed in myself. This I can accomplish through unconditional love for us both.

I recently heard a speaker discuss the difference between reconciliation and resolution. Resolution involves rehashing everything, which I am absolutely uninterested in doing, since I’ve spent an exhausting year doing that. Reconciliation is reconnecting and moving forward without any emotional barriers between two people, leaving the past in the past. I don’t know that I have arrived at Reconciliation Station just yet; but it’s the final stop on the itinerary of this relationship’s journey. Full and unconditional forgiveness is my ticket to this destination. They say time heals all things, but I also know I must willingly dig a little deeper in my heart’s pocket to find that ticket. I know it’s there; I just need a little more travel time to find it.

And for the first time in a year, I’m actually feeling excited about arriving at this next stop, and completing the final leg of this relationship’s journey.

Two Hearts, Wrong Page

Have you ever caught yourself in a whopper of a lie? Boy howdy, when you get real and look deep to see the truth of what is, it’s like a punch in the gut, or sometimes, to the heart. I experienced such a heart-punch a year ago.

I learned my three year relationship with the man I love was not what I thought it was; essentially a lie, and one that I myself helped create. Punch number one to the heart. But once it ended and the dust settled, I later learned the man I love was an accomplice in creating my false notion of our relationship. Punch to the heart number two, which left me angry, hurt, and picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Neither of us meant to make me feel like a fool. My faith and belief in the man I love overruled my trust and belief in my intuition in myself. His fears fueled cowardice and overruled his kindness and courage to be honest with me when presented with opportunities to do so.

Each and every one of us deserve honesty, especially in affairs of the heart. When I receive dishonesty in return for my heartfelt love, my sensitive heart shatters with disappointment. No one’s love should be taken for granted, or taken advantage of. My heart is precious, and runs deep with love. It deserves to be valued, appreciated by another unconditionally loving heart. When I decide to give my heart to someone, it is after much consideration; cautiously, not impulsively, and only after feeling a sense of trust and confidence in its recipient. I marvel at my heart’s willingness to love again and again, despite the numerous heartbreaks it’s had from those who have rejected it, and those who have gone out of their way to break it and me. Fortunately, my heart is resilient, and when it loves, it is all in. My heart forgives many transgressions, small and large. When my heart feels troubled, it’s calling me to wake up to the reality of my situation, signaling that maybe it’s time to move on. That’s where I get into trouble. I am a creature of loyalty and I, along with my loving heart, will fight tooth and nail to make a connection of the heart work, because I believe so deeply in the other person, his heart and its potential to love.

The problem? A connection requires two hearts be on the same page.

During this relationship, dishonesty won out over courage when inquiries were made about our future. Every time, I believed in him and our future, based on several conversations asking for honesty about where things were between us and his feelings. I asked if we had a future, if “this” was going anywhere, and each time I was reassured there is, and it was. As a result, I continued to trust and believe the man I love and the relationship. With 20/20 hindsight, I see I ignored subtle red flags. Instead of being a smart woman trusting her intuition, I believed in what I thought were “honest” conversations. Then the red flags grew in size, forcing me to see what I knew wasn’t as they appeared:

~Unsolicited conversations about him and his future did not include me. 

~I was never introduced to people he knew/work colleagues in his community, even when we ran into them.

~I was never introduced to his friends, nor was I invited to hang out with them when opportunity arose.

~Interactions with his kids happened because I encouraged it, he didn’t. 

~I was never invited join him and his kids on Christmas or Thanksgiving holidays, or family vacations.

~I was treated as an outsider when we were with his kids, and as if I wasn't there.

~I received reassurances of a future, but was told “I’m happy with the every other weekend”. 

~He never once told me he loved me in three years, despite my expression of love for him.

This time last year, these red flags pounded me over the head, leaving me with a sickening feeling the jig was up. I asked for space and distance; he told me we’d figure out a way to get things back on track. Over the next month, I went into emotional shock. The truth shattered the glass house with in which I held our relationship, exposing it, and worse, my role in facilitating the delusion I had of it. I had to confess to myself that I ignored my intuition and its earlier warning signs. And my heart writhed in absolute misery missing the man I love, while simultaneously reminding me that he did not love me. I felt alone, unwanted, a loser, and a fool. I continued to fight for us and our connection of heart. However, a heart unwilling to love cannot fight the good fight when it fears itself unworthy of a love worth fighting for.

I now recognize the wisdom of lessons learned from the experience.

• I held on too long in hopes the man I love would love me; if he ain’t saying it after a year, he ain’t feeling it, nor is he gonna say it!
• I overlooked the contradictions between his words of reassurance and his actions that defied them.
• I allowed myself to be played the fool by going along with those contradictions, trusting it all still.
• I chose to ignore my intuitive gut, and brilliantly played the part of romantic fool for this play called Love for my friends and family.

Love requires sacrifices, always, but it does not require sacrificing one’s own Self-love and Self-respect. Ultimately, I walked away from the man I love because it was the healthier choice for me, my heart, and my self-respect. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was the best decision. 

Today, I continue working through the grief of this relationship loss, and toward finding unconditional forgiveness for us both. I believe(d) he was the one. I still love him, miss him and us. Eventually, hopefully, I will come to some peace within myself about it all, and reconcile those feelings against all that came to pass. In the meantime . . . . .

What I know for sure:

I want and deserve to be happy, even if that “happy” doesn’t include him in my life.

RelationSHIPs and Cargo

A relationSHIP is like a vessel in which two people sail together across a massive body of water (symbolic for emotion) into the horizon, and to places “out there” unseen. There can be rough waters, stormy seas to weather, and hopefully, more often than not, smooth sailing.

The relationSHIP's deck may offer a lot of wonderful things to make one's voyage enjoyable, things that on the surface may seem like everything is perfect; however, all the great things on the deck's surface cannot alone keep a relationSHIP afloat.  Every relationSHIP has a keel, the spine which serves as the foundation for the relationSHIP on which two people sail together.  Deep in the belly of the relationSHIP is the “ship's hold”. In the ship's hold can be found cargo, baggage left buried in the dark corners, untouched, unaddressed from many previous voyages, from many previous years. If left alone and unattended, the “ship's hold” can and will eventually become heavy with cargo, which will lead to the weighing down, even drowning the “beauty” seen on the deck's surface. The care and maintenance of this relationSHIP's foundation will determine if the relationSHIP stays afloat or sinks.

Both co-captains navigating the relationSHIP make up the travel package for this voyage; that is, how each person wants and chooses to show up on board the relationSHIP. The travel package includes all visible (conscious) and invisible (unconscious) intentions, which are seen in both the actions and words spoken by those steering the relationSHIP. Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes, (in)actions belie the words. Deep beneath the deck in the relationSHIP's hold, unknown cargo of voyages past influence the voyage package, thus disrupting the relationSHIP's course and its ability to smoothly sail forward. If this cargo is ignored and unaddressed, it will become the death of smooth sailing for the relationSHIP.

It takes courageous and brave co-captains to go deep beneath the surface, into the darkness of the ship's hold to scour the cargo that's unhealthy, heavy and threatening to a successful voyage. Until s/he is willing to do that, all relationSHIP voyages will sail aimlessly in the water, haphazardly bumping with great distress into other relationSHIP's passing in the night. No matter how few or how many relationSHIPs one has sailed on the high seas of love, one must realize that what's on the top deck of any given relationSHIP isn't what keeps the vessel afloat. One must nose around in the ship's hold, consciously checking not only one's own cargo, but paying attention and noticing the tarp-covered cargo belonging to the co-captain of the relationSHIP's voyage. If either co-captain is unwilling to pull back the tarp and take a hard look at the cargo that's taking the relationSHIP off-course, the voyage is at risk.

A key to a successful voyage is that co-captains have an idea, even an inkling as to their desired destination, and obtain a forecast that offers some insight as to what lies ahead of them in their voyage. Having this information allows for navigational redirection as needed by one or both co-captains in the event of stormy weather, in which decisions may be made to change course, decide on a new destination, turn back, or debark from the voyage all together. Without a forecast, co-captains cannot consciously and collaboratively make choices that facilitate a smoother voyage. Aimless sailing with a navigational course of twists and turns determined by random winds recklessly places the voyage into danger. Unfortunately, some co-captains in Titanic disasters wait too long to leave a sinking relationSHIP, unnecessarily drowning into the abyss of broken hearts, fear, and hopelessness. The only way back from the abyss is to ironically dive deeper into the ship's hold and address the cargo left behind from previous voyages.

More importantly, each co-captain must know his or her own ultimate destination when boarding a relationSHIP. For a part of the voyage, both co-captains may travel together, sharing and enjoying the same ports for a short time. Reaching the final destination of one's ultimate desire may require taking different relationSHIPs to get there, but if one knows where s/he wants to ultimately make landfall, it becomes easier to stay the course no matter the weather. In doing so, one will ultimately come to enjoy the most successful and romantic voyage of a lifetime on the USS RelationSHIP.

The Gift of One's Heart

I'm learning a lot about myself lately, and my heart. For many years I tightly guarded my heart after others disappointed, abandoned and/or simply abused it. Over the last few years, I've found the courage to open my heart again, risking it despite the heartache of the past. In opening my heart, I was able to release heartache, through the process of healing and forgiveness, of both myself and others. I spent a lot of time on the initial clean up of an emotional mess left unattended for many years. Now, regular maintenance is required, on an “as needed” basis. Over the last few months, life has required me to do some deeper cleaning and clearing.

Through this latest process, I realize I share my heart freely, authentically; I hold nothing back. I open it to most people, and I've learned to trust my intuitive guidance when discretion is necessary. I also realize giving my heart to others still involves risking its exposure to bitterness stemming from the recipient's own low self esteem or shame. I risk being taken advantage of by those with self-serving agendas. I also risk my heart being accepted, then left hanging out to dry, unattended and alone. Opening one's heart involves a great deal of risk. Having kept my heart behind a steel wall for many years, there are days I question my decision to open it up to others.

My heart is full of love, and it aches to share the overflow of love within it. When shared, my heart is not always warmly received, appreciated, or even accepted. My heart extends love to my closest friends who recognize, honor and reciprocate the precious gift of love and the courage it took for me to share my heart fully with them. I extend my heart to my family who, like most typical families, take it for granted, except my mother who always let me know how much she appreciated and valued my expressions of love. Over the years, I've offered my heart to many men who: abused and battered out of their own sense of unworthiness; was blinded by fear of its loving light; took for granted my heart's selfless devotion of its love; simply didn't want, or know how or what to do with it, and/or mismanaged it. I offer my heart to strangers, people in need, students, and clients. I offer my heart through my writing.

Whenever someone demonstrates a lack of appreciation, respect or care towards my offering, I continue to re-serve him or her my heart again, and again, and again, to a point where its is left bruised, exhausted, and in pain. Perhaps I'm making up for time lost when I withheld my heart from the world; or maybe I'm avoiding rejection, which would imply then, I believe its my loss if someone does not accept with appreciation my heart. I'm realizing in this latter possibility, “no,” that's not true.

Upon one's rejection of my heart, despite my countless attempts to offer it, my heart and I retreat and engage in an inner debate about returning to the steel prison from which it came. With each person's refusal, I'm recognizing my pattern of subjecting myself to continuous rejection with each attempt to give my heart away. Continuously subjugating oneself to another's rejection is an acceptance in belief one is unworthy of something better. Perhaps, maybe, I need to offer my heart in the same fashion they offer the finality of sales at auctions: “Going once, going twice, gone......!”

I believe in people, often times more than they believe in themselves, and their potential to receive and generously give love from their own heart. Many beautiful people I've met just once in my life, and many who have remained an integral part of my life, have shared their hearts freely, and together, we created a beautiful heart connection, loving unconditionally, believing in each other. In my family life, I unconditionally love but without sacrificing my heart for acceptance. In my friendships, I hold close to me those who value my heart, and release with blessings of love from afar those who take it for granted.

And in my romantic life, I'm learning my heart deserves, at minimum, its equal in willingness, respect, and appreciation of its expression of love and care for another, and nothing less. I'm beginning to understand for me to tolerate anything less is simply me not loving and valuing myself and my heart. And if this is the case, how can I possibly expect another to love and value my heart and its generosity?

Letting Go in Honor of Another's Journey

When we hear about those we care about making choices, demonstrating in ways that trouble us, leave us unsettled, we are impacted by this news. Sometimes, our reaction is judgment, puzzlement, and upset. Sometimes, it’s disappointing, sorrowful and helplessness.

I have a friend whom I care about deeply, but for reasons I won’t get into here, I had to make a choice to “sunset” this relationship in my life. Despite my efforts to support, help and even tolerate with great patience how my friend showed up in our friendship, the impact upon my energy, my sanity and my emotional health required I draw a hard line in the sand around our involvement. It isn’t easy to make such decisions. In my work with clients, I see so much deeper their potential than what they see, know and believe in themselves; yet, I cannot force, coerce or insist upon anyone changing their choices, thinking, believing, and ultimately their way of being. I’m guided and trained to unconditionally love and support the path my clients take, and the pace in which they choose to travel it. But when it comes to loved ones, family members and friends, that task is challenging. We all experience this with sons, daughters, husbands, wives, parents, siblings, mates, lovers and friends. I am no exception in feeling frustration when I see someone I deeply care for show up unproductively, make unproductive choices, or worse, not making choices that can support and heal their hidden wounds and hurts.

I walk a fine line in my professional and personal relationships, and in both, I’ve learned that I cannot make anyone change, and it’s not my place to do so! When we attempt to change another, tell him or her how to live their life, what to do, insist on what they should do, we dishonor his and her own journey. Perhaps my friend is meant to struggle in this lifetime, as a means to understand how that experience feels. Perhaps the struggle is the path to “getting it” spiritually, to heal deep-seeded pride and arrogance, via the process of crashing and burning first. When addicts are ready to ask for help, they usually have to hit rock bottom first; our willingness to ask for help will come when we’ve hit rock bottom in misery, depression, exasperation, and sometimes, realization of the insanity of thinking things will be different when we keep doing the same thing over again.

We have to let go of our loved ones and let them travel their own path. We can be there to offer support, but we must also protect ourselves from that drain when they continuously ask for support, yet take no steps towards making healthy changes in their lives. We can offer them options, choices, and even express what we need in order to stay connected. This is when we must mind our own boundaries; enabling another does not help him or her. Judging choices, giving our opinions or advice is not helpful either. Unsolicited advice is no use to someone who has not requested it. We must trust that whatever our role in one’s life has been, there was a purpose, for both parties, and we did all we could during the time we traveled our paths together. If loved ones are still in our life, we can mind a boundary and offer our unconditional love and support. We can say prayers to guardian angels, and the Higher Power that loved ones are guided to get the help they need, led into the Light of wisdom, and the Love of God to wake up and know their higher truth within.

While I have eliminated contact, I still hold love and light in prayer for my friend. My heart and soul aches for my friend, but, and with difficulty at times, I cannot own responsibility for that life; it’s not mine to live, and it’s not mine to control. Your, my, each of our lives are under our own purview; we can only be responsible for our own choices, how we show up, how we uncover the Spiritual Truth of who we are, and how we live that truth in this life experience. The life experiences of our loved ones are for their own living, learning and self-discovery of a deeper love that is within, of who they spiritually are in the Oneness of Life.

The Greatest Love of All

Ah, Valentine’s Day, a day for love. Many relish in the romance; others despise it. Personally, I was one who detested it for many years. My ex-husband asked me for a divorce on Valentine’s Day weekend fourteen years ago, thus my feud with February 14th began. I resented my ex and St. Valentine who had nothing to do with it except be guilty by association! I blamed my misery on anything related to the holiday, including those who enjoyed it. I resented the commercialism that took something pure such as love to make a profit while simultaneously “making” me feel less than because I was alone.

For many single men and women, V-Day can feel like D-Day. Hopelessness can overwhelm as we watch others in love coo like doves, relish in chocolate hearts and bling-bling, receive office floral deliveries, and enjoy romantic dinners. But our own misery is by our own design. While the focus is on couples and romance, the bottom line is that Valentine’s celebrates the love of God and for God.

The name "Valentine", derives from valens which means “worthy”; and the feast of St. Valentine was first established in 496 by Pope Gelasius I, who included Valentine among those “whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God." Valentine was one of many Christians who were celebrated as a martyr on this feast. But for many lonely singles, we tend to cloak ourselves in martyrdom as we move through this holiday in resentment and bitterness thanks to the “wrongs” done to us by others. We root ourselves in feeling lonely and unwanted, and this space was where I resided energetically for many years hosting my very own Valentine’s Day pity party. Ironically, I, as well as many other singles that still do, missed the point of February 14 – it’s all about love. And while commercialism implies that we need someone in our lives to feel loved, this belief couldn’t be further from the truth!

We are loved!! Our Creator loves us. Our family loves us. Our friends love us. Here’s the big question: Do you love yourself? The Bible speaks of this many times, especially the point of “Love thy neighbor as yourself.” This quote demonstrates how our projection of feelings towards others is truly a mirror reflection of how we feel about ourselves; Luke, Leviticus, Matthew and Mark, to name a few, point this out. “Do onto others as you would have done onto you” is another famous quote that reflects the Law of Circulation: love another and know the love of others as well as for yourself. In this effort, we activate the Law of Attraction to bring greater love into our life. And Genesis 2:27 states that "God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." Aren’t we worthy of loving ourselves as God loved us enough to create us out of his own Being? As we love ourselves, we love our Creator and its Creation. As we lovingly embrace God Within, we embrace love for ourselves.

After several years of these “pity parties” with only one actual Valentine during that time, I woke up one day and decided what a whiny butt I was being. I was exhausted, drained from the waste of time and energy in my resentment, and I knew I was better than this bitterness – it wasn’t fun or productive. So I took responsibility for my own misery, releasing all who I'd been blaming and became my own Valentine. Starting a new tradition that lasted many years, I prepared elaborate candlelight dinners that made daily frozen dinners pale in comparison; I enjoyed a glass of wine, treated myself to red roses, and listened to romantic music. I simply began a love affair with God. One year I even had flowers from a “secret admirer” sent to myself at my office; that got tongues wagging and it was a thrill and immensely fulfilling that the big secret was they were from the Greatest Love of my life.

For those alone on this day of romance, be your own Valentine! Celebrate love of self; as the word Valentine reflects, you are worthy! And for those with Valentine’s, consider taking it to a richer level that reflects God’s love expressing more fully through you both, everyday beyond this one day of chocolates, bling-bling, and romantic dinners.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!