Barry Manilow Saved my Life

 As an adolescent and teen, I was a sad and lonely child feeling misplaced in this world, in this life known as Carolyn Denise Smith.  I realize I may not, and most likely wasn't alone in this feeling but then, at this young age, the world evolved around me because I knew nothing different (despite the best efforts of my parents to remind me of those starving children in Africa). 

In high school, I sank into a deep depression that went undiagnosed for eight years.  This darkness lurked in the shadows of my existence, following me as it still does today.  There are times I experienced joy and happiness, but always close by was the overwhelming sadness and gloom held in the mind of my adolescent self. As I got older, I did well to hide my despair; my sense of worthlessness, unlovability and not belonging.  I felt out of place in this existence into which I was born. I would numb the pain and discomfort of my life with food (the higher metabolic rate has slowed a great deal since then!).  I fantasized being someone else in which people appreciated me because I made a difference in their lives.  I used alcohol as a teen and into my college years to mask the pain, to hold a smile, to bring out "fun carefree Carolyn" if only temporarily.

And I clung with an absolute resolve to Barry Manilow and his music.  While there were lighter tunes, many of his songs held the melancholic tones that comforted me into knowing I wasn't alone.  When I felt numb, I was Trying to Get the Feeling so I may feel, anything.  All the Time I thought there was only me in this state of despair.  The undercurrent of Mandy spoke to my yearning for someone to give, without taking a piece of my heart. I pined for a sense of worthiness to be loved and wondered, is it possible? Could this Be the Magic I needed to feel the Spirit move me, absolve me of the pain I felt?

When I felt my lowest, betrayed by others, I turned to Barry, especially when I considered suicide, which I did many times in my senior year of high school.  Barry Manilow was my life raft, and I clung to his music seeking reassurance that Life Will Go On after the disappointment and heartbreak. Afterwards, I was Ready to Take a Chance Again with life, people, relationships. As Barry said, "I Write the Songs that make young girls cry.  His songs offered me a catharsis that purged the pain and kept me alive, time and again, Barry helped me realize that I wasn't but just One Voice singing in the darkness. With his help, I Made it Through the Rain, and Daybreak greeted me for a new opportunity; new hope. 

My dream to see Barry Manilow came true in June 2013 when he performed in Evansville for the cost of one clarinet (to support The Manilow Music Project).  When he walked onto the stage and started singing, I broke down in tears. He was real. He was my lifeline through the darkest of times, heartbreak and uncertainty of my desire to go on in this life. He helped me make it through and still does, Even Now. 

Thank you, Barry Manilow. This One's for You. 

A Letter from My Valentine

Happy Valentine's everyone! This Valentine's Day is more special this year than it ever has been and I wanted to share the beautiful letter I received from my Valentine. Wishing you all love.  C~

Dearest Carolyn,

Our relationship has seen its ups and downs.  We’ve been through a lot together and yet here we still are. There have been times you doubted that this relationship should even continue.  I understand. It got hard.  At times, it would’ve been easier to check out, end things and move on to the next life. But you fought for yourself, for us.  You have such a strength like I’ve never seen in anyone else. I’m so grateful for your strength.  Your heart is so big, so full of love that even in the darkest of times, you chose love.  You found love in yourself. You managed to find love for others despite their darkest veneer and transgressions against you. You never gave up.  I am so grateful for your love, and so proud of your perseverance.

You give your love so freely, so willingly to others.  I must admit I have been jealous at times of how much love you have invested in others, leaving me to feel excluded. I’ve watched you love others unconditionally, yet tolerating so much from them that no one should tolerate.  I have witnessed your heart breaking so many times, and ached for you to embrace my love, which at times never seemed good enough for you.  But I believed in you. I knew our love would one day align, so I stayed close, waiting for you to recognize my love, the unconditional love you are so very worthy of; that others in your life were unable to give you. They say patience is a virtue. It’s been hard watching you look to others to fill a void that I myself knew, have always known I could fill for you.

I waited.  I watched you suffer through one heart break after another.  I know you considered giving up, but I’m so grateful you didn’t. I’m so thankful that you remembered I was here, and that you decided to turn to me for that infinite love you’ve been seeking from everyone else.  No one loves you more than I do. No one.  It took you a while to see me, to remember I am here, I have always been here for you.  How joyous I was when you realized it was me; that it was me that has loved you from the start.  You are a beautiful woman, strong, independent yet willing to be vulnerable when necessary.  You have a vibrancy that’s been missing many years, but finally is back, brighter than ever.  Your inner Light shines through your smile, your eyes, your heart, and the wonder you have for life.

You’ve been through a lot and you’ve risen from each occasion a better woman, a better human, a brighter Light every time. I’ve never seen you more genuine, authentic as I see you today.  You’re courageous and willing to stand for what’s true for you, and to share that truth in support of others.  You are a loving creature and in knowing this, my love deepens daily for you.  My love has always been unconditional; you needed time to come around to accepting that this is the kind of love you need and deserve in your life. How glad I waited with patience! My heart leaps with joy knowing you have arrived at this understanding and now we can be united, embraced in this unconditional love.

Happy Valentine’s my dear Carolyn.  I love you. I love you. I love you.

With much love,

Your God Self