Barry Manilow Saved my Life

 As an adolescent and teen, I was a sad and lonely child feeling misplaced in this world, in this life known as Carolyn Denise Smith.  I realize I may not, and most likely wasn't alone in this feeling but then, at this young age, the world evolved around me because I knew nothing different (despite the best efforts of my parents to remind me of those starving children in Africa). 

In high school, I sank into a deep depression that went undiagnosed for eight years.  This darkness lurked in the shadows of my existence, following me as it still does today.  There are times I experienced joy and happiness, but always close by was the overwhelming sadness and gloom held in the mind of my adolescent self. As I got older, I did well to hide my despair; my sense of worthlessness, unlovability and not belonging.  I felt out of place in this existence into which I was born. I would numb the pain and discomfort of my life with food (the higher metabolic rate has slowed a great deal since then!).  I fantasized being someone else in which people appreciated me because I made a difference in their lives.  I used alcohol as a teen and into my college years to mask the pain, to hold a smile, to bring out "fun carefree Carolyn" if only temporarily.

And I clung with an absolute resolve to Barry Manilow and his music.  While there were lighter tunes, many of his songs held the melancholic tones that comforted me into knowing I wasn't alone.  When I felt numb, I was Trying to Get the Feeling so I may feel, anything.  All the Time I thought there was only me in this state of despair.  The undercurrent of Mandy spoke to my yearning for someone to give, without taking a piece of my heart. I pined for a sense of worthiness to be loved and wondered, is it possible? Could this Be the Magic I needed to feel the Spirit move me, absolve me of the pain I felt?

When I felt my lowest, betrayed by others, I turned to Barry, especially when I considered suicide, which I did many times in my senior year of high school.  Barry Manilow was my life raft, and I clung to his music seeking reassurance that Life Will Go On after the disappointment and heartbreak. Afterwards, I was Ready to Take a Chance Again with life, people, relationships. As Barry said, "I Write the Songs that make young girls cry.  His songs offered me a catharsis that purged the pain and kept me alive, time and again, Barry helped me realize that I wasn't but just One Voice singing in the darkness. With his help, I Made it Through the Rain, and Daybreak greeted me for a new opportunity; new hope. 

My dream to see Barry Manilow came true in June 2013 when he performed in Evansville for the cost of one clarinet (to support The Manilow Music Project).  When he walked onto the stage and started singing, I broke down in tears. He was real. He was my lifeline through the darkest of times, heartbreak and uncertainty of my desire to go on in this life. He helped me make it through and still does, Even Now. 

Thank you, Barry Manilow. This One's for You. 

Mountains and Valleys

Life is filled with ups and downs. I remember when younger, before traveling on this spiritual enlightenment journey, telling people, “Life is full of ups and downs; you can't have the peaks without the valleys.” I would remember this mantra when facing life challenges in my young adult life, but funny I had not thought of it in the last few years. In doing so now, I must chuckle at the fact I left Colorado, home of the Rocky Mountains, to return to Browns Valley, Kentucky. Oh, the irony! Since then, my life has felt as if its been in a valley. I've enjoyed abundance of hilltop views throughout the experience, but only in the last few months am I feeling the pull of the mountainside – and heading in that direction.

When you've been in a valley for any length of time, the depths of despair, struggle and aimlessness gives reason to pause before taking on a mountain climb. There's usually hopelessness, doubt and an insecurity in making the trek higher. A mountain climber can not make his climb without gear; without it, little to no progress would be made up the jagged and rocky path. Hope and Faith are the “equipment” for this journey. Additionally, the climber focuses on the path ahead, not on the drop of the valley depths below from which he's climbed. Climbing mountains is steep work, and requires we reach far beyond what we believe we are capable of reaching. There's always a risk of falling, and the mountain climber heeds confident awareness in his climb, ever respectful of the distance from where he started to where he is. In traveling up the ascending walls from out of the valley, we may tend to focus on what we've leave behind and have known, the depths of despair and our history within it. A mountain climber focuses on what's in front of him, and travels in confidence of the mountain's new heights and all its majesty await to receive him with open arms.

In my Life's latest Valley, I found commiseration with others who enjoy the comfort in the depth of the drama rendering helplessness, hopelessness, misery and despair. Using every ounce of strength I had left in me, I decided to make my climb out of it. It's a choice; it ain't easy; and the effort requires greater drive and determination as you begin the trek. The Dogs of Despair nip at your heels, attempting to pull you back down into the muck and mire of the Valley's dark depth. The initial effort is the hardest, but with perseverance, you move out of its reach to continue the journey upward.

Out of the shadows of the valley, I feel sunshine on my face once again. I can see a new horizon high above me. This climb requires due diligence, consciousness, effort, and the climbing equipment of Hope, Faith, Determination, Patience and Courage. Many times I catch myself wondering when I'll fall (a.k.a. when is the other shoe going to drop?). In this momentary thought process, my Hope line gets tangled, opening me up to doubt, thus risking my tumble down into the Valley. With due diligence and a consciousness to my effort each step of the way, I secure my Faith which allows me to clear my Hope for a stronger grip as I pull myself upward. I continue on, slowly, intentionally, and with courageous perseverance. I focus on the mountain peak ahead, less on the Valley and all it was. When I briefly look back to assess my progress, I bless the Valley in gratitude for the wisdom and strength mined from within myself to make this mountain climb.

Stopping and resting along the climb is required as it allows me to reassess my travel conditions, reassess my navigational plan, and to recalibrate my intention that carry me towards my vision. I must routinely check and maintain my climbing equipment: Faith and Hope, Determination, Patience, and Courage. These tools are key to the success of this climb. I must also nurture myself along the way, and celebrate the progress I've made.

I'm climbing a new mountain once again. There are times it's exhausting, and the pull of the Valley beckons. In those moments, it would appear easier to give up and give in, a choice many often choose. With a quick nod of acknowledgment, I move forward, keeping my eyes on the peak high above. With that focus, I feel the strong magnetic pull of that which I desire. Often the journey feels slow, but with each step, progress is made. With each day, steps are taken. And in time, the sun's warmth on my face grows stronger and I relish in its glow. It nourishes my Hope, infuses my Faith. I strengthen my hold of Determination and find more Courage as distance grows between the Valley and me. I see the Mountain Peak; it is there I shall stand in the fullest glory of my Life.

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