As an adolescent and teen, I was a sad and lonely child feeling misplaced in this world, in this life known as Carolyn Denise Smith. I realize I may not, and most likely wasn't alone in this feeling but then, at this young age, the world evolved around me because I knew nothing different (despite the best efforts of my parents to remind me of those starving children in Africa).
In high school, I sank into a deep depression that went undiagnosed for eight years. This darkness lurked in the shadows of my existence, following me as it still does today. There are times I experienced joy and happiness, but always close by was the overwhelming sadness and gloom held in the mind of my adolescent self. As I got older, I did well to hide my despair; my sense of worthlessness, unlovability and not belonging. I felt out of place in this existence into which I was born. I would numb the pain and discomfort of my life with food (the higher metabolic rate has slowed a great deal since then!). I fantasized being someone else in which people appreciated me because I made a difference in their lives. I used alcohol as a teen and into my college years to mask the pain, to hold a smile, to bring out "fun carefree Carolyn" if only temporarily.
And I clung with an absolute resolve to Barry Manilow and his music. While there were lighter tunes, many of his songs held the melancholic tones that comforted me into knowing I wasn't alone. When I felt numb, I was Trying to Get the Feeling so I may feel, anything. All the Time I thought there was only me in this state of despair. The undercurrent of Mandy spoke to my yearning for someone to give, without taking a piece of my heart. I pined for a sense of worthiness to be loved and wondered, is it possible? Could this Be the Magic I needed to feel the Spirit move me, absolve me of the pain I felt?
When I felt my lowest, betrayed by others, I turned to Barry, especially when I considered suicide, which I did many times in my senior year of high school. Barry Manilow was my life raft, and I clung to his music seeking reassurance that Life Will Go On after the disappointment and heartbreak. Afterwards, I was Ready to Take a Chance Again with life, people, relationships. As Barry said, "I Write the Songs that make young girls cry. His songs offered me a catharsis that purged the pain and kept me alive, time and again, Barry helped me realize that I wasn't but just One Voice singing in the darkness. With his help, I Made it Through the Rain, and Daybreak greeted me for a new opportunity; new hope.
Thank you, Barry Manilow. This One's for You.
