God's Gift of Rebirth

Liberation from hell on Earth came September 13, 2018. By this point, I felt hopelessness in my life. My dad was in Versailles, KY after his health needs demanded more care. He was the main reason I was in Owensboro so now my being here seemed pointless.  After concerted efforts (above and beyond employer expectations) to address coworker feedback about how I was handling my stress, I could please no one no matter how hard I tried, and that equated to epic failure in my mind. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained, and teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Upon hearing my services were no longer needed, I initially felt rejected.  Yet, I wasn’t surprised. I had an intuitive feeling it was coming. I had a resignation letter ready to turn in the following week after a staff meeting, so I knew my time was coming to an end in this job, one way or another.  Upon getting the news, and packing all I could into my work bag, I left.  I was hurt and angry. I broke down into tears only after pulling out of the parking lot and crying off and on the rest of the day. In hindsight, I’m not sure those weren’t tears of upset, relief or joy.  Maybe a little of them all.  My pride felt injured. I busted my ass for my employer, working tirelessly to meet my deadlines. I went above and beyond to meet my performance improvement requirements, and to make things right and people happy. The rationale for their decision made no sense, but it didn’t matter. I was freed from the maddening life of hell that I had been living for two and a half years.

Gratitude came quickly the next morning when my phone was silent: no texts dinging with call-in messages. I didn’t have to force myself out of bed, nor was my mind reeling around the day's demands. I didn't have to steel myself to meet a new day of wild fires, melodramas and unreasonable demands from my coworkers, clients or administration.  Joy drowned the rejection as I realized my newfound freedom from the “shit show.” Understandably, hurt still seeped into the emotional mix. Relationships with coworkers I genuinely cared about were suddenly ripped from my life.  And perhaps, they were indeed one-sided relationships; I received nothing but cold silence from coworkers (sans one), giving the appearance they didn’t feel for me in the same way.

After a few days, I realized I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and adrenaline rush addiction. I collapsed in pure exhaustion.  I had no idea how drained I was until I was out of the pit of negativity.  I slept and slept, and slept some more, both night and day.  My mind took weeks to slow down and not worry about what needed to be done or brace against what was coming next. 

My anxiety and panic attacks suddenly disappeared, and I realized that the overwhelm I felt was rooted in the emotional and mental energies of the work environment and agency.  I succumbed to negativity, sensory overload because I lost sight of my being an empath.  While the work environment was an unhealthy contributor to how I felt, I cannot say it is the main reason for my poor health and well-being. I failed to set better energetic boundaries, exercise greater self-care, and practice non-attachment to other people’s choices, words, behaviors and actions. I forgot to preserve and protect my own energy; and, often allowed others to suck the energetic life out of me by allowing them to tap into my heart and soul. The outcome? I crashed and burned. I became swallowed whole by the lower vibrations and toxic energy around me, which crippled physical and my energetic well-being.

I am blessed and grateful to have been freed from the anguish and misery on September 13^th, which I consider the birthday of my rebirth. The experience was a meaningful classroom, and while it had its good moments, overall, it was an exercise bringing me back to full circle ten years after returning to Kentucky. The experience reawakened me and reminded of who I am, have always been: an empath.  I owe a debt of gratitude to the many souls who played a role in my life these past seven years, as humans and as soulmates.  I am reminded how important it is that I protect myself through self-love and self-care, and to honor this truth of who I am.

But I still had a lot of healing to do over the next few months. Sometimes we must go through the dark tunnels of our unconscious selves in order to get to the Light. 

A Living Hell on Earth

The past several years, I shut down as an empath. I abruptly abandoned my role and support as a spiritual coach and teacher to several like-minded individuals I worked with in Evansville. The sudden disowning of my spiritual path was difficult for those who knew me, as well as for myself.  I experienced an inner-conflict about who I was, who I was expected to be, and what I wanted in my life. At the time, I was moving through some major transitions.  I chose to chase the “normal” life: a regular job, being a daughter that my father would approve of, and finding the love of my life.

Ugh, was THAT a human experience!! 

I worked main stream jobs, one of three that I found fulfilling. I was honored to support my father through the sale of our childhood home and his eventual moves into my home, then an assisted care facility. I have witnessed and supported him through the deterioration of his Lewy Body Dementia, taking over (with help from my brother and his wife) his personal and financial affairs. I had a three-year relationship with a man I believed to be the love of my life. During this time, I enjoyed ups and downs, good and bad moments, fond and sad memories along the way. But the last three years were the most intense and most miserable.  It’s as if the Universe was giving me a major WHACK up side my head to shake me out of the rut I settled into with contentment.  I ended my three-year relationship, two years too late, after much angst and inner strife. I started a new job in one of the most toxic environment I’ve ever encountered . While I held my own for the first year, by my second year in, I fell victim to the lower vibrations.  I began mirroring the energy within which I worked, becoming a person I no longer recognized or knew. This happened because I lost sight of my vulnerabilities of being an empath. I abandon spiritual practices, my self care needs, thus becoming energetically and emotionally vulnerable.  I began experiencing significant bouts of anxiety, depression and stress.

During my second year evaluation, I received feedback about how I’d been showing up with my coworkers - and it wasn't pretty or easy to hear. Blindsided and mortified of what I was reflecting, I suffered a panic attack in that meeting. I was oblivious to how I’d been showing up, and the review offered me greater insight that I wasn’t managing my stress well, and it was impacting others and how I showed up with them.  I diligently worked to repair estranged relationships. I held myself accountable to the entire group, and individually, apologizing for my poor management of stress, behavior and treatment to those I'd been unkind towards. I consciously shifted up my own energy and attitude in the workplace, setting positive intentions each morning. But by this point, I was in a losing battle. Unforgiving coworkers were still unhappy with one thing or another.  I experienced physical health challenges under the added stress. Shingles, digestive issues, back issues and numbness in my right and eventually my left hand. I was grinding my teeth when I did sleep, cracking a tooth and living with excruciating jaw pain for a several months.  I uncharacteristically caught the viruses that go around every winter, for which steroids and antibiotics weren’t working. Mentally, I was still suffering from bouts of severe anxiety when dealing with administration and daily issues, which led to an increase in my medication and a new prescription just so I could manage my day. I experienced bouts of depression and even panic attacks. Emotionally, I was moody, weepy and took everything personally. Even a kind word broke me into tears because I felt so unworthy of them because I was being criticized at every turn for how I was doing my job. 

The stress and pressure of fifty- and sixty-hour work weeks to meet deadlines, the chronic daily adrenaline rush from managing several fires at once, coworker/client crises, complaints, bad attitudes, melodramas, whining, and unreasonable demands; I felt defeated at every level of my being. I was expected to be everything to everyone: a mother, fireman, compliance enforcer, counselor, punching bag, dumping ground; you name it, I was it. I gave so much of myself that I had nothing left for me at the end of the day or week. I drank more wine, beer and sangrias, and ate more to cope/numb/protect the overwhelming negative energy I experienced.  I felt betrayed by coworkers and those who were supposedly there to to administratively support me. 

Add to (what my friend aptly calls it) “the shit show”, my worries and concerns for my father’s declining health increased as my brother and I scrambled to meet and support his needs.  All of this on top of the profound grief I was experiencing over the end of a three-year dating relationship, and coping with the foolishness I felt realizing it was nothing but a means for passing time. Additional work pressure of meeting performance improvement requirements to make terminally unhappy coworkers happier; constantly feeling second- guessed and scrutinized, and ultimately a target, didn’t help. Nothing I did was good enough for anyone at any level. I felt alone and knocked down at every turn. I owned my mistakes but was always on the wrong side of right.  I was one step short of a nervous and emotional breakdown, fighting to keep it together while pleasing everyone, despite that nothing I did or said pleased anyone anyway.

No wonder I felt lost!  I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I was supposed to be doing since nothing I was doing was right by anyone’s standards. I started looking for other work, all over the country; and even though I had a couple of offers,  I didn’t want to abandon my coworkers or my commitments. More shit beyond my control hit the fan in the fall, and the roller coaster ride I was on was heading into a crash and burn. Despite the hellacious experience, I bent over backwards to make everything right.  I now realize that my desire to please others and make others feel better was self-punitive and self-abusive, and the cost I paid was expensive. The Universe pushed me as far as I could go in this experience, and while I had a resignation letter ready to turn in,  I'm not sure I wouldn't have turned it in, but instead, continued even further through the misery because I’m not a quitter.

But then God granted me a gift, a blessing in disguise: an emergency exit door out of hell!

I'm Coming Out!

Hoohaw!  It’s time. If I’ve learned anything over these past eight years, it’s this: I must own who and what I am.  It’s not something you just would bring up in a conversation. I have been sleepwalking for the past several years. I made a choice to turn away from myself, and it hasn’t served me well. I am done denying my truth because it’s exhausting and unhealthy for me.   

I am an Empath.

What’s an empath? Empaths take on other living beings' energies and even physical symptoms within our bodies.  We feel joy and upset and hurt as strongly as others do.  We are supersensitive to tones of voices and body movements.  Empaths feel first, THEN think, so when we feel, we’re not so sure we are feeling our own stuff or that of someone else’s.  According to Judith Orloff, M.D., empaths share some or all the same traits of what psychologists call Highly Sensitive People (HSP). We can have a low threshold for stimulation, a need for alone time, sensitivity to light, sound and smell, and an aversion to large crowds. Empaths need more time to downshift their gears after a busy day as our transition from high stimulation to quiet and calm is slower.  Empaths also share HSP’s love of nature and quiet environments. Everything is made of energy, including emotions and physical sensations, such as feelings and pain. Additionally, Orloff states that some empaths have profound spiritual and intuitive experiences, and are even able to communicate with animals, nature and their inner guides. How does this work physiologically? There are many scientific findings that explain the empath experience. For more information, you can visit this website for more information.  

I never knew what an empath was until I was in Colorado. Only then did I realize I’ve had empathic experiences since I was a child.  I saw and heard energy in the dead of the night while living in early childhood home. The energy buzzed in the room, though I didn’t understand it.  The trees in our backyard talked to me as clearly as those in The Lord of the Rings. I saw and felt the presence of imaginary friends who were as real to me (as they are for many children) as my human friends. These experiences continued as a teenager. During a vacation visit to the Civil War battleground of Vicksburg, I felt extremely overwhelmed by the dense energy of the historic past. It’s a somber experience for anyone but I felt the suffering of those who fought and died there. I always have known things before they happened, which were later validated as if the Universe was presenting the info to me on a silver platter. As an adult, when I lived in an older home in Lexington, I would find things such as my brush or barrettes in different places than where I left them.  After my husband swore that he wasn’t messing with me, I spontaneously informed the supposed “ghost” in a loud and scolding voice that they could live in our house, but they had to leave my shit alone. No other such unexplainable mischief took place. And I’m not sure why I thought it was a ghost or spirit. 

I usually know if I’m being lied to or not, if I tune in. I also feel the energy of animals and plants.  I am very sensitive to Earth energy, including seasonal shifts and weather. Before Hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana, my birth state, I was on the couch for several days experiencing an unexplained malaise.  I felt edgy, anxious, and not myself as the deadly storm approached.  Once it hit, my energy rebounded to normal. My mentor explained I was picking up on the impending devastation and loss of life that was about to happen. I can feel stagnant energy in the air, and when it clears out with out of the ordinary winds. I also sense when ominous weather is approaching.  I tap into what’s called the collective unconscious - the collective energy of the human condition – fear, upset, anxiety, grief – caused by whatever is happening at any significant time, such as Columbine, 9/11, or right now, the shutdown.  Studying Healing Touch further expanded my empathic senses as I learned to feel people’s angst, heartaches, and physical discomforts held in their bodies and energy centers using my hands. 

I learned I was an empath while in Colorado mentoring under Deb Sheppard, a nationally known psychic and medium. I, along with others like me who are normal blue- and white-collar individuals of all socio-economic classes on that journey, opened up and accepted my empathic and intuitive gifts. I feel, know, and sense things that are unexplainable, unseen and unevidenced.
  

I have been sleepwalking since 2011 as my Third Eye slowly began to close after moving back to Owensboro out of fear and an exhaustion of what it means to be an empath. Other than a few close friends, I have been very private about this part of who I am, mainly out of fear of: judgment, losing friendships, displeasing someone, even persecution by those who simply don’t understand what it means.  But I cannot not avoid who I am; I tried and it nearly broke me because I forgot who I was and how to take care of me while taking care of everyone else. 

Today, I celebrate myself as an empath who connects with others in a unique and God-gifted way as a spiritual guide and intuitive. (Click for a fun surprise!) 

Sans Facebook

After much consideration, I decided to go off Facebook after the first of the year. I love posting pictures of my beagles and kitten, watching and sharing other cute animal videos. I enjoy knowing what other people are up to, significant news and life changes they are experiencing.  

But I don’t care for the negativity, the political and social ignorance, and at times, the inhumanity that shows up on the social media wall. More importantly, I didn’t like how much time I spent on my iPhone watching how others live their lives while I let my own life slip away. In monitoring my screen time the past month or so, I’ve found myself spending HOURS on my phone! (Do you know how much time you are on your phone?  There’s a setting to find out if you’re interested.) I became too involved in other peoples’ lives and less so in my own. Facebook is addictive. If nothing was of interest on my wall, I’d go to strangers’ postings to see what was going on. I felt like the neighbor Alice from the old sitcom Bewitched. Showing my age here, but that means I was being nosy, which Facebook makes easy to do.

Facebook also became much like Linus’s blanket for me – a security crutch to feeling better about myself. That’s what Facebook is really – and a small part of why Mark Zuckerburg created it after being jilted by a girl, and he wanted to feel popular and connected. Oh, and the cash!  It’s a genius program but it comes with pros and cons. I realized I use it as a source of validation, a boost of my self-worth so I feel valued and less alone.  We get attached to how many likes or comments we have on our posts, feeding that Egoic craving for security and "love". Personally, I used Facebook to feel good about myself, and less alone. Rather than validate myself for accomplishments, new hairdos or random clever thoughts, I posted them on Facebook for my online friends to do the task with a like or comment. The reason? For most of my life, I’ve looked to external validation from others  (starting with my dad) to feel good about myself. That’s a whole book’s worth of discussion but essentially, I needed others to make me feel worthy of being on this planet. Many of us are unconscious of this need for external validation. Only after the recent collapse of life as I have known it these past few years, and despite being intellectually aware of this about myself, I’m finally accepting that love and acceptance of who I am starts with me and God within.  God created me, so I must be worthy of existing, right?  Yet I have struggled to accept that truth at a deep emotional and spiritual level. I realize now that I honor God’s love by loving myself through kinder words, self-compassion, gentle thoughts, self-care, self-respect, and putting to use the gifts God gave me as an empath.

Complicating this further, as an empath I tend to be energetically affected at every level of my being by the vibes of other people’s posts – negative or positive.  I cry at the rescue animal videos – my heart breaks, then celebrates in a matter of two minutes. I cringe with angst reading posts in support of a hateful, narcissistic leader, and/or become angry at the lack of empathy for others or the ignorance in opinions.  I emotionally sink reading news of terrorist attacks and the ugly comments by people who are quick to place blame while simultaneously demonstrating stupidity around the horror, loss of life and tragedy of others.

Facebook is one of the many distractions I’ve been clearing. “Stuff” – material clutter that we collect in the name of status (cars, furniture, knick-knacks, clothes, etc.) are also tools for external validation. Mental clutter of defeatist thinking, self-loathing and judgement of myself and of others is also clutter. I am clearing “stuff” that serves no purpose in my life, thus minimizing all distractions so I focus on what my Higher Power calls me to do on this journey – a spiritual healer and support for others.