God's Gift of Rebirth

Liberation from hell on Earth came September 13, 2018. By this point, I felt hopelessness in my life. My dad was in Versailles, KY after his health needs demanded more care. He was the main reason I was in Owensboro so now my being here seemed pointless.  After concerted efforts (above and beyond employer expectations) to address coworker feedback about how I was handling my stress, I could please no one no matter how hard I tried, and that equated to epic failure in my mind. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained, and teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Upon hearing my services were no longer needed, I initially felt rejected.  Yet, I wasn’t surprised. I had an intuitive feeling it was coming. I had a resignation letter ready to turn in the following week after a staff meeting, so I knew my time was coming to an end in this job, one way or another.  Upon getting the news, and packing all I could into my work bag, I left.  I was hurt and angry. I broke down into tears only after pulling out of the parking lot and crying off and on the rest of the day. In hindsight, I’m not sure those weren’t tears of upset, relief or joy.  Maybe a little of them all.  My pride felt injured. I busted my ass for my employer, working tirelessly to meet my deadlines. I went above and beyond to meet my performance improvement requirements, and to make things right and people happy. The rationale for their decision made no sense, but it didn’t matter. I was freed from the maddening life of hell that I had been living for two and a half years.

Gratitude came quickly the next morning when my phone was silent: no texts dinging with call-in messages. I didn’t have to force myself out of bed, nor was my mind reeling around the day's demands. I didn't have to steel myself to meet a new day of wild fires, melodramas and unreasonable demands from my coworkers, clients or administration.  Joy drowned the rejection as I realized my newfound freedom from the “shit show.” Understandably, hurt still seeped into the emotional mix. Relationships with coworkers I genuinely cared about were suddenly ripped from my life.  And perhaps, they were indeed one-sided relationships; I received nothing but cold silence from coworkers (sans one), giving the appearance they didn’t feel for me in the same way.

After a few days, I realized I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and adrenaline rush addiction. I collapsed in pure exhaustion.  I had no idea how drained I was until I was out of the pit of negativity.  I slept and slept, and slept some more, both night and day.  My mind took weeks to slow down and not worry about what needed to be done or brace against what was coming next. 

My anxiety and panic attacks suddenly disappeared, and I realized that the overwhelm I felt was rooted in the emotional and mental energies of the work environment and agency.  I succumbed to negativity, sensory overload because I lost sight of my being an empath.  While the work environment was an unhealthy contributor to how I felt, I cannot say it is the main reason for my poor health and well-being. I failed to set better energetic boundaries, exercise greater self-care, and practice non-attachment to other people’s choices, words, behaviors and actions. I forgot to preserve and protect my own energy; and, often allowed others to suck the energetic life out of me by allowing them to tap into my heart and soul. The outcome? I crashed and burned. I became swallowed whole by the lower vibrations and toxic energy around me, which crippled physical and my energetic well-being.

I am blessed and grateful to have been freed from the anguish and misery on September 13^th, which I consider the birthday of my rebirth. The experience was a meaningful classroom, and while it had its good moments, overall, it was an exercise bringing me back to full circle ten years after returning to Kentucky. The experience reawakened me and reminded of who I am, have always been: an empath.  I owe a debt of gratitude to the many souls who played a role in my life these past seven years, as humans and as soulmates.  I am reminded how important it is that I protect myself through self-love and self-care, and to honor this truth of who I am.

But I still had a lot of healing to do over the next few months. Sometimes we must go through the dark tunnels of our unconscious selves in order to get to the Light. 

Living the Lies of Others

If someone asked you to strip yourself of every label you have – parent, child, co-worker, boss, friend, spouse, church member, etc. - what would be left? We take on and live many roles in our lives in which we wear different facades or masks. But are we being our authentic selves when in these roles? 

Are we living a life that reflects the authentic nature of our true spiritual being,

which is love, peace, creative power, wisdom, beauty, joy, and light?

 

Or are we living a life that authentically reflects false ideas

about who we are, who we are expected to be?

 

Do we live via our acceptance of other people's opinions, rules and expectations of

who we should be, how we should act, the work we should be doing, the lives we should be living?

We all are on a spiritual journey from the day we are born; but most people are not aware of it. Most people are living life in a dream state, completely unaware of their purpose for being in this human experience.  I awakened in my spiritual journey fourteen years ago.  I woke up to the realization that my (our) purpose is to re-member the Truth and Essence of who I am (we are) as a child(ren) of God. I re-membered that my (our) mission in this human experience is to reconnect with that Truth and Essence through the process of healing consciousness. Consciousness means becoming astutely aware of how we live under false pretenses. We live these lies we learned from the influential people in our lives (parents, family, significant others, teachers, etc.), personal experiences, society, media, religion, culture, and from our own incredibly convincing negative self-talk.

What do you believe about yourself?  For decades, I believed I was not worthy of being heard, and that my feelings did not count. I believed that to be loved, I needed a man's validation, beginning with my father, then every boyfriend thereafter. I sought external approval from everyone in my life, because without it I was unwanted and unlovable. I believed that God was “out there” somewhere watching my every move, ready to punish me if I displeased Him. I believed I was fat even when I wore a size 8, and that food was my only reliable comfort and friend. I believed I was incomplete, and looked to everything outside of me to fill that void.

Ever lose something only to realize it was never really lost, but right under your nose the whole time? Little did I know I was never lost, but just looking in all the wrong places to be found!

When we understand that we have adopted, and accordingly lived up to other people's perceptions, ideas, and beliefs as our own, we realize we are not who we think we are! This realization becomes extremely unsettling and uncomfortable. Suddenly, we face a life-changing choice.

Do we step out of our comfort zone and explore who we really are? 

 

Or do we keep chugging along feeling unsatisfied and exhausted

from living up to the false pretenses that others project onto us?

The first choice requires change, and leads to “oh shit” moments of emotional discomfort and purging. Initially uncomfortable, we soon move into the liberation of the immense burdens we carry in the way of guilt, shame, anger, resentment, and grudges. In releasing all the emotional baggage, we feel exposed as the facades of victim, persecutor and/or martyr crack under the healing process. We become keenly aware of how we have given our personal power away to so many people. In this effort towards authenticity, we wrap ourselves with self-love, compassion and forgiveness. Once stripped of all our baggage, we are freed to create the lives that we quietly desire, filled with love, joy, abundance, and peace.

The second choice is easier, more comfortable than change. It keeps us chained to life as we know it, cozy in our cloaks of victim, persecutor, and/or martyr. We remain bogged down, exhausted and drained by the guilt, shame, anger, resentment and grudges. We know what to expect, taking comfort in the belief that the world and life itself works against us. We continue to allow our lives to be run by circumstances, experiences, and events. We steadily move forward against strong winds pushing us back, anchoring us deeper in our belief that we never get ahead in life. We dutifully bear the cross of our emotional baggage, feeling burdened, down-trodden in our lives filled with drama, upheaval, and energy draining chaos.

If you had to choose, which would be more appealing?

When I chose to liberate myself of false pretenses, I willingly conducted a mental inventory of what I thought and believed about myself and everything; and how these showed up through my life's choices, behaviors and actions. Today, I love, respect and believe in myself, and now create healthier love relationships. I laugh with abandon, cry without shame, and I confidently express my feelings without fear of another's disapproval. I validate myself, and believe I offer great value in this world. I know God is ever present within me, guiding me and operating through me as love. I experience human moments and slip now and again; but the difference from ten years ago is that today, I am centered in knowing the Truth and Essence of who I am. When I stumble, I get up, regroup, and I move ahead centered in my authentic self, making new choices, changes that reflect the Truth of who I am. I long ago retired the stick I used to beat myself up.

 

Living authentically is a choice. It takes a great deal of courage to look at our personal stuff, to inventory unproductive belief systems, thoughts, habits, and choices. Even more courageous is the decision to say “I want something different,” and to step into changing how we think, choose and show up in our life. In doing so, we strip ourselves of the false pretenses, and don the Emperor's new clothes to reveal the beautiful authenticity of our Essence to the world. You discover who you truly are, your own personal truth, and embark on a new way of being, living, and showing up in your life.

Are you ready to live a fabulous life of authenticity?

 

Author's Note:  If you are interested in discovering how you may living life under false pretenses, and how to step more fully into your authentic life, you're invited to attend a FREE information session called Infinite Possibilities on Friday evening, August 30, from 6 - 8 p.m. in Owensboro, KY.  For more information and/or to reserve your seat, please contact Carolyn at journeywisdomblog@gmail.com.