God's Gift of Rebirth

Liberation from hell on Earth came September 13, 2018. By this point, I felt hopelessness in my life. My dad was in Versailles, KY after his health needs demanded more care. He was the main reason I was in Owensboro so now my being here seemed pointless.  After concerted efforts (above and beyond employer expectations) to address coworker feedback about how I was handling my stress, I could please no one no matter how hard I tried, and that equated to epic failure in my mind. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained, and teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Upon hearing my services were no longer needed, I initially felt rejected.  Yet, I wasn’t surprised. I had an intuitive feeling it was coming. I had a resignation letter ready to turn in the following week after a staff meeting, so I knew my time was coming to an end in this job, one way or another.  Upon getting the news, and packing all I could into my work bag, I left.  I was hurt and angry. I broke down into tears only after pulling out of the parking lot and crying off and on the rest of the day. In hindsight, I’m not sure those weren’t tears of upset, relief or joy.  Maybe a little of them all.  My pride felt injured. I busted my ass for my employer, working tirelessly to meet my deadlines. I went above and beyond to meet my performance improvement requirements, and to make things right and people happy. The rationale for their decision made no sense, but it didn’t matter. I was freed from the maddening life of hell that I had been living for two and a half years.

Gratitude came quickly the next morning when my phone was silent: no texts dinging with call-in messages. I didn’t have to force myself out of bed, nor was my mind reeling around the day's demands. I didn't have to steel myself to meet a new day of wild fires, melodramas and unreasonable demands from my coworkers, clients or administration.  Joy drowned the rejection as I realized my newfound freedom from the “shit show.” Understandably, hurt still seeped into the emotional mix. Relationships with coworkers I genuinely cared about were suddenly ripped from my life.  And perhaps, they were indeed one-sided relationships; I received nothing but cold silence from coworkers (sans one), giving the appearance they didn’t feel for me in the same way.

After a few days, I realized I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and adrenaline rush addiction. I collapsed in pure exhaustion.  I had no idea how drained I was until I was out of the pit of negativity.  I slept and slept, and slept some more, both night and day.  My mind took weeks to slow down and not worry about what needed to be done or brace against what was coming next. 

My anxiety and panic attacks suddenly disappeared, and I realized that the overwhelm I felt was rooted in the emotional and mental energies of the work environment and agency.  I succumbed to negativity, sensory overload because I lost sight of my being an empath.  While the work environment was an unhealthy contributor to how I felt, I cannot say it is the main reason for my poor health and well-being. I failed to set better energetic boundaries, exercise greater self-care, and practice non-attachment to other people’s choices, words, behaviors and actions. I forgot to preserve and protect my own energy; and, often allowed others to suck the energetic life out of me by allowing them to tap into my heart and soul. The outcome? I crashed and burned. I became swallowed whole by the lower vibrations and toxic energy around me, which crippled physical and my energetic well-being.

I am blessed and grateful to have been freed from the anguish and misery on September 13^th, which I consider the birthday of my rebirth. The experience was a meaningful classroom, and while it had its good moments, overall, it was an exercise bringing me back to full circle ten years after returning to Kentucky. The experience reawakened me and reminded of who I am, have always been: an empath.  I owe a debt of gratitude to the many souls who played a role in my life these past seven years, as humans and as soulmates.  I am reminded how important it is that I protect myself through self-love and self-care, and to honor this truth of who I am.

But I still had a lot of healing to do over the next few months. Sometimes we must go through the dark tunnels of our unconscious selves in order to get to the Light.