Ugh, was THAT a human experience!!
I worked main stream jobs, one of three that I found fulfilling. I was honored to support my father through the sale of our childhood
home and his eventual moves into my home, then an assisted care facility. I have
witnessed and supported him through the deterioration of his Lewy Body Dementia,
taking over (with help from my brother and his wife) his personal and financial
affairs. I had a three-year relationship with a man I believed to be the love
of my life. During this time, I enjoyed ups and downs, good and bad moments, fond and sad
memories along the way. But the last three years were the most intense and most miserable. It’s as if the Universe was giving me a major WHACK up side my head to shake me out of the rut I settled into
with contentment. I ended my three-year relationship, two years too late, after much angst and
inner strife. I started a new job in one of the most toxic environment I’ve ever encountered . While I held my own for the
first year, by my second year in, I fell victim to the lower vibrations. I began mirroring the energy within which I
worked, becoming a person I no longer recognized or knew. This happened because I lost sight of my vulnerabilities of being an empath. I abandon spiritual practices, my self care needs, thus becoming energetically and emotionally vulnerable. I began experiencing significant
bouts of anxiety, depression and stress.
During my second year evaluation, I received feedback
about how I’d been showing up with my coworkers - and it wasn't pretty or easy to hear. Blindsided and mortified of what I was reflecting, I suffered a panic attack in that meeting. I
was oblivious to how I’d been showing up, and the review offered me greater insight that I wasn’t managing my stress well, and it was impacting others and how I showed up with them.
I diligently worked to repair estranged relationships.
I held myself accountable to the entire group, and individually, apologizing
for my poor management of stress, behavior and treatment to those I'd been unkind towards. I consciously shifted up my own energy and
attitude in the workplace, setting positive intentions each morning. But by this
point, I was in a losing battle. Unforgiving coworkers were still unhappy with
one thing or another. I experienced physical
health challenges under the added stress. Shingles, digestive issues, back issues and numbness
in my right and eventually my left hand. I was grinding my teeth when I did
sleep, cracking a tooth and living with excruciating jaw pain for a several
months. I uncharacteristically caught the viruses that go around every winter, for which steroids and antibiotics
weren’t working. Mentally, I was still suffering from bouts of severe
anxiety when dealing with administration and daily issues, which led to an increase in my
medication and a new prescription just so I could manage my day. I experienced
bouts of depression and even panic attacks. Emotionally, I was moody, weepy and
took everything personally. Even a kind word broke me into tears because I felt
so unworthy of them because I was being criticized at every turn for how I was doing my job. 
The stress and pressure of fifty- and sixty-hour work weeks
to meet deadlines, the chronic daily adrenaline rush from managing several fires at
once, coworker/client crises, complaints, bad attitudes, melodramas, whining,
and unreasonable demands; I felt defeated at every level of my being. I was
expected to be everything to everyone: a mother, fireman, compliance enforcer, counselor,
punching bag, dumping ground; you name it, I was it. I gave so much of myself
that I had nothing left for me at the end of the day or week. I drank more wine,
beer and sangrias, and ate more to cope/numb/protect the overwhelming negative
energy I experienced. I felt betrayed by
coworkers and those who were supposedly there to to administratively support me.
Add to
(what my friend aptly calls it) “the shit show”, my worries and concerns for
my father’s declining health increased as my brother and I scrambled to meet
and support his needs. All of this on
top of the profound grief I was experiencing over the end of a three-year dating
relationship, and coping with the foolishness I felt realizing it was nothing
but a means for passing time. Additional work pressure of meeting performance improvement
requirements to make terminally unhappy coworkers happier; constantly feeling
second- guessed and scrutinized, and ultimately a target, didn’t help. Nothing I
did was good enough for anyone at any level. I felt alone and knocked down at
every turn. I owned my mistakes but was always on the wrong side of right. I was one step short of a nervous and
emotional breakdown, fighting to keep it together while pleasing everyone, despite that nothing I did or said pleased anyone
anyway.
No wonder I felt lost! I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I was
supposed to be doing since nothing I was doing was right by anyone’s standards. I started looking for other work, all over the country; and even though I had a couple of offers, I didn’t want to abandon my coworkers
or my commitments. More shit beyond my control hit the fan in the fall, and the roller coaster ride I was on was heading
into a crash and burn. Despite the hellacious experience, I bent over backwards to make everything right. I now realize that my desire to please others and make others
feel better was self-punitive and self-abusive, and the cost I
paid was expensive. The Universe pushed me as far as I could go in this
experience, and while I had a resignation letter ready to turn in, I'm not sure I wouldn't have turned it in, but instead, continued even further through the misery because I’m not a
quitter.
But then God granted me a gift, a blessing in disguise: an emergency
exit door out of hell!
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