An Empath's Healing

The last few months since losing my job have been a healing process, and a process of making sense of what happened. By September 13, I felt as if I’d been hit by a train. 

Every level of my being needed restoration.

Physically, I had suffered from digestive issues for over a year. Belly aches, indigestion, heartburn and acid reflux plagued me. Prilosec didn’t work and I chewed Tums daily. I suffered insomnia, tossing and turning as my mind rehashed my days; chewing on every issue, decision and action that took place. When I did sleep, I was clinching my teeth, leading to a cracked tooth under a crown, and ultimately a root canal.  I ate my way through the overwhelm and stress and gained over 75 pounds from when I started. I experienced numbness and tingling in my right arm and hand, then after a fall at work, in both arms and hands. I cringed to look at myself; I didn’t recognize my face, and I loathed my body.  I struggled to find clothes to fit and body-shamed myself.  I abandoned house work and personal care on the weekends, not showering from Friday morning until the following Monday mornings. These behaviors weren’t helpful to my mental wellbeing.

Mentally, I was grieving the loss of a three-year relationship and nursing a broken heart. Work at that time was a distraction as I started the new job; but a year in, I began experiencing severe anxiety and mood swings. I started an anti-depressant to balance the mood swings and calm my nerves. Within a year, increased anxiety required an additional med taken when I felt anxiety or panic attacks came on. I experience panic attacks at work and at home.  Depression set in as I felt swallowed up by life.  Occasionally, thoughts of suicide tempted me as an easy way out. “Why bother?” they whispered, “you can’t do anything right to please anyone so why bother keeping on keeping on?” This line of thinking wasn’t helpful to my emotional wellbeing.

Emotionally, I felt drained. I repressed any and all emotions I felt during the day for fear of being accused of taking them out on staff, which I did a few times anyway under stress and duress.  I cried a lot; daily sometimes.  And when I’d stuffed the tears too deep, I’d make myself watch a movie that I knew would uncork the dam of emotion. I experienced emotional eruptions after run-ins at work or antagonistic work situations, then nursed emotional hangovers for two or three days, dehydrated from all the crying.  I felt resentment towards coworkers and administrative support, then guilt, only to take on all responsibility for all issues and problems when in hindsight, they were not all mine to own. This emotional merry go round wasn’t helpful to my spiritual wellbeing. 

Spiritually, I was simply lost. I’d journal occasionally but it felt like I was reliving the angst of the day and I didn’t want to deal with it again. I couldn’t breathe as deeply as I use to, and likely, was not breathing much at all. I couldn’t catch a deep breath when I tried. On weekends, I binged on movies or reruns on television to escape from the reality of my life. Drained from the day, I’d drink a beer, a few glasses of wine or binge on fast food.  This habit didn’t help my physical wellbeing.

My only job after being freed from the life from Hell was to take care of me.  I spent three months recuperating and searching for answers; a direction. I read more books in a few weeks than I had in several years! Books about happiness, being an empath, minimalism, Buddhism, and mindfulness to name a few. Looking back on how I handled life’s challenges the past several years, it became clear how I failed to cope with the work environment. Being an empath is a huge responsibility, first and foremost, to oneself. Through this challenging experience, I got lost because I had given all of me to everyone else:

·        to please others;

·        to seek approval;

·        to feel validated;

·        to feel and be loved;

·        to feel worthy; and

·        to be valued.

It’s laughingly ironic!  After dealing with countless issues of abandonment in my life and past lives, I actually ABANDONED myself!

Healing means restoring every level of one’s being. My job was to take care of me, nurture me and love me.  Thankfully I recovered, and reconnected with the empath I Am. The Universe has fully supported this healing, flowing so many people and resources into my life who are like-minded and traveling this journey with me.  

The experience over the last seven years has been a blessing and a curse of a classroom; thankfully, it woke me up. I’m wider awake than I can ever remember as I reconnect with who I am. I feel found. I found myself.  I must not only survive life as an Empath, but I must thrive as an Empath living an authentic life.