The Bitter Taste of Humble Pie

I made a commitment before I left for Colorado in 1999, I reaffirmed it while living there, and I sort of followed through on it: I will return to Kentucky only if and when my parents needed me. That time came in 2009. After my return, I buried my mom and fled to Evansville for the comfort of another man’s arms. When that didn’t work out so well, I moved to Newburgh, closer to Owensboro I thought but eventually realizing not close enough. This realization in addition to my life “falling” apart, I finally decided I wanted to go home. The internal urge to go home to Owensboro, a town in which I loathed living, felt surprisingly strong considering I couldn't leave fast enough to get away from Dad after mom died. Everything about my life seemed to be pushing me in this direction: a failed business attempt everyone supported but few utilized; a humiliating relationship that offered me comfort on the front-end of grief, but misery on the back-end once reality set in; disappointing friendships that challenged my sense of self, my value system, and my drama-free zone, and; unsuccessful efforts in securing a meaningful job in Evansville. Okay, God, I get it! I surrender to thy guiding will. I returned home to Owensboro.

This decision was greeted with the taste of bitter humble pie. And to think I considered the loss of my job in Colorado, the loss of my mom, and the loss of my life I’d known for ten years as the dismantling of who I am. Ha! Little did I know it was the prologue for much deeper personal and spiritual renovation! Humble pie tasted like shit but I ate it anyway. I had to in order to figure out my life. Gratitude became the daily sweetener I used in which to get each bite down. First order of business was finding a job, anything that brought income because I had none. A part-time job at JCPenney blessed my life, and so I had something to do, a way to contribute. I remembered why I hated retail sales but I sucked it up and did it anyway. I gave thanks every day and looked for whatever I could find within it as opportunity. I continued to search for full-time work. I danced with despair and disappointment but quickly replaced them with optimism so I may continue moving forward. Job prospects were slim in Owensboro, but the more I leaned into gratitude for my JCP job, the easier each day got.

Then in August, US Bank Home Mortgage (USBHM) called. A $9 per hour, rigid 8-5 job at a desk doing one thing and one thing only, this position was a far cry from my $55K per year and flex schedule I enjoyed in Colorado. Yet another bite of humble pie I took. Again, I offered genuine gratitude to God, and expressed it to myself and to anyone who asked how I was doing. The USBHM position allowed me to do what I love: write. Yeah, it was writing letters in response to insurance questions or complaints, and for the most part, they were stock responses but they got the “Ferber touch” as much as USBHM would allow me to put on them. I had a purpose and that felt good. I leaned into it and this new career opportunity.  For three months I wrote letters. I had no idea where this job would take me; I couldn’t pursue any other position within USBHM relevant to my professional background for a year. Dad envisioned my becoming a corporate woman working my way up the ladder. I didn’t but I never closed my mind to that being a possibility.

Suddenly in my third month, I received a surprising email from Wendell Foster’s Campus asking me to return to discuss the job I’d interviewed for back in April. After months of “touching base” with them, I finally accepted the job wasn’t happening when I finally received no response, that is until mid-October. Expecting a conversation about the position changes, I found myself in a second interview! A week later I’m asked to pee in a cup. Another week later, I’m offered the position, and USBHM received my two week notice. I felt the gratitude erupt within me like I’d never felt it. Hope replaced the despair and disappointments of the past.

This new position allows me to do my heart’s work: to serve others in a significant and meaningful way. This life purpose and my continual focus on it moved me through challenging customers at JCP and hateful insurance complaint letters at USBHM. As long as I kept my focus on it, the darkness of despair couldn't completely dim my light and joy, hard as it tried. Humble pie became bluebird pie spiced with joy. Despite my circumstances, I fulfilled my life's purpose through my conscious focus on it.

In this last year I stripped myself of professional arrogance and pride,and let go of all the resentment towards the bumpy road I'd traveled since my return to Kentucky and towards those who were a part of that ride. I’d blamed everything and everyone but it was me who made those choices, me who held the perception and beliefs about it all, and me who created my own reality and experience as a result. Arrogance, pride, resentment, anger, all these and other pain-causing feelings are how our human Ego holds us hostage in struggle, drama, and unhappiness in our life. When I finally let go and chose gratitude despite only having fifty bucks to my name, and forgiveness of myself and others for the bumpy path I traveled, the light of gratitude, joy, and abundance broke through the darkness of despair.

Today I continue to focus on serving others with my gifts and abilities. Some days I slip and my attention wanders to worldly things, but I consciously remember and diligently practice daily the attitude of gratitude, love, joy and centering through meditative practices. I remember God’s got my back as long as I let go of controlling everything, and surrender myself to God’s will and guidance. When I stay in this zone, I’m led down a beautiful path upon which to journey. And everyday I give thanks for all that’s been and for all those a part of it, all that is now, and all that shall be.

Yes, even the humble pie.

Reflections in the Silence

I’m currently at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, Kentucky, just outside of Bardstown on a “silent” retreat; I’m unsure if it’s considered truly silent if I am sharing my thoughts through this venue. But in the silence, the opportunity provides one a means in which to get away from the noisy business of everyday life to really listen, to God from Within.

Most of the areas at the Abbey are designated as silent areas, including the Retreat House hallways, rooms, stairwells, dining areas (with the exception of one), library and outdoor areas where marked; retreat guests can not even use their cell phones in their rooms. Guests arrive after 11 a.m. on a Friday or a Monday and stay through the following Monday or Friday, respectively. Meals are provided three times a day, and all of this is offered by the monks for a love offering of whatever means you are able. Additionally, the monks maintain a daily schedule of services, in which they sing, chant and offer the Eucharist, in addition to their other responsibilities. Retreat guests may also enjoy over 2000 acres of walking paths in nature, though I believe this weekend, many of us will not stray too far from the warmth of the Retreat House!

I’d heard many wonderful things about this place, and originally called in late September with the hopes of being able to “get away” shortly after my mother passed. But everyone else must've heard wonderful things too, as the Abbey was booked through 2009 with this weekend of January being the first available to reserve. I trusted the Divine timing, and decided to use this weekend as a time to reflect on 2009, a ritual I do annually in order to truly appreciate all that I accomplished, overcame and learned throughout the year. I usually take time to decide what my new year will look like.

I will most definitely reflect on the year past, and from it glean much appreciation of my courage, strength, authenticity, and perseverance, as well as my successes and my losses. Yes, appreciation in the losses is important to find for it is in the closing of doors that other new opportunities are opened. In honoring those experiences, we open ourselves to receive greater good in our lives. In releasing unproductive energies of anger, resentment, we find peace through forgiveness, not simply of others but also of ourselves for our choices. And if we are all striving for peace on Earth, then let it begin with each of us, right? It’s a simple choice, but one that takes great courage to do.

As for planning 2010, well, I had a plan for 2009 and that really didn't turn out so great. Goes to show that sometimes, God presents detours that take us in a different direction, regardless of our best laid plans. Instead, I will continue living as I have lived the latter half of 2009 - one day at a time and in the moment. I have a sense of my direction - this Guidance has been given to me. But I am stepping back from being attached to how it all needs to look, and what exactly I must be doing to make all that happen. I'm tuned in more than ever to that Divine Guidance and even, sometimes to my Gemini annoyance, when I don't know "what's next," I always know that when it's time to be revealed, I'll get it. I've learned to trust and pay attention to when Divine Clarity is revealed. It's through this surrendering to the flow of the Universe working in my life that leaves me living my life in awe. The power of God working through us is amazing if we can simply let go and let God.

Here's to silence; may we find more of it in our life, if its only for five minutes a day. Let God talk to you. And simply listen.

Out with the Old, In with the New

Happy New Year! I’ve not posted in a while as I’ve hunkered down to get through the holidays. I for one am very excited to say farewell to 2009 – all of it. What a ride! And it sucked many times, and yet, if I stop and REALLY look at it, I can find SO much joy in it too. Don’t stay stuck on what wasn’t great about the year, but look between the illusions and see what good stuff showed up. Despite having lost a parent, a job and a home, I enjoyed quality time with my mom before she passed and the smiles and love she gave me before she left this realm. I reconnected with some old high school friends who awed me with their love, support and their prayers during challenging times. I had beautiful friendship and support from my Colorado peeps that sent their healing love and light to Kentucky. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man who graced my life with patience and insurmountable support during my mother’s illness and after her death. I was given the opportunity to reinvent myself professionally, and am excited to build a practice as a Spiritual Life Coach. I have been blessed with locals who have extended their welcome in a place where I have no close friends, no spiritual community, and no extended support system nearby. I enjoyed a beautiful Kentucky summer and fall and all its Southeast flowers and birds. My family and I enjoyed the amazing support of relatives, friends and neighbors in the way of food, visits, caretaker breaks, and prayers.

I could keep going and if you look closely enough, you could too. There is nothing more thrilling to me than new beginnings; I wonder if I’m not addicted to them having been through so many major transitions in my life! But in welcoming the new, we must honor the old and what it offered in life lessons, abundance and joy, love and wisdom, for through the heartaches and challenges of the year, this is where find them, if we consciously choose to do so. If we do not honor the past year of our life, we minimize this leg of our journey, and all that we’ve come through in its travel.

Happy New Year everyone!

Namaste.

Thanksgiving - More than Turkey and Football

The holidays are a time for family, and this year, my family will be forever altered with the absence of my mom this Thanksgiving holiday. I've missed many Thanksgivings with my family while in Colorado, and today, twinges of regret come up that I didn't make more of them. But then I remember the many wonderful Thanksgivings I've spent with families of close friends, co-workers and even acquaintances that opened their home upon learning I had no plans for the holiday. I've had the pleasure of serving others who have no means to enjoy the luxury of Thanksgiving dinner, much less a family or a place to call home. In remembering these times I was without my family, I remember how I contributed, and allowed others to contribute to the magnificence of my journey.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir when I say that Thanksgiving is more than football, parades and turkey dinner. But I know that many miss the simplest of blessings to count. We have all, at some point in our life, done the standard expression of thanks that includes our family, our loved ones, having a job, and our health. But I challenge EVERYONE to take their blessings to a deeper level, to things that you may naturally overlook and even take for granted. Give thanks for the ability to breathe easy, walk on your own two legs, and the hands that carve your turkey. Express gratitude for the roof over your head, no matter what that looks like, for you are safe from the elements of winter weather. Give thanks for employment, regardless of how irritating your co-workers are, what grievances you have with the "powers that be;" give thanks for an income and health benefits (no matter what that looks like!!) that support your efforts to provide for your family, your well-being, and your financial needs. For those of us who are unemployed, give thanks for unemployment benefits that support us, even nominally in transition; say thank you for the part-time job, no matter what it is, and know your efforts in that help others, somehow, some way, even if it's asking "would you like fries with that?" Give thanks for those who ask you, "would you like fries with that." Express appreciation for the opportunities to figure out what's next, the support of loved ones during these times of transition, for their prayers, words of encouragement and unconditional love. Give thanks that you live in a country where you have the freedom of speech, even if it's considered misguided or disagreed with by others. Give thanks for men and women who sacrifice time with their own family to serve our country in the name of freedom. Be grateful for a government that doesn't take you jail when you speak out against it. Express gratitude for a working vehicle, running water, and working toilet. Say "thank you" for the smiling children, the unconditional love of pets, and the beauty of nature around us. Give thanks for all that you've experienced, and the learning and growth opportunities, and the ability to choose an open willing mind and heart to make changes that serve you better, despite current circumstances that seem unfair, unjust, and uncomfortable.

You get the point; dig deeper to express gratitude for the many, many things we take for granted. Dig deep within your heart; see beyond the obvious for those blessings, large and small, grand and simple. And give thanks daily, not just on Thanksgiving. For with expression of gratitude, we invite more blessings into our life. Our expression signals to God our willingness to have more abundance, our willingness to receive it.

This year, I have so much to give thanks for, despite the trials and tribulations this journey has offered. I give thanks to the many, many, many people who have said a prayer, sent emails, and love and light in support of me and my family around my mother's illness and death; you know who you are. I count my blessings in the challenges that have left me reeling, and the opportunities they afford me through the closing of so many doors. I'm grateful for the love I feel, the love I receive, and the means to manage these transitions I am experiencing. I give thanks that I was able to help my mom feel more comfortable, brighten her final days, and the honor to support her in her crossing over. I give gratitude for that Spirit within me that is God Expression. My love to you and yours, and many more blessings to feel grateful for in the coming year.

Finding Gratitude in Challenging Times

We’ve all had times when we are just feeling dumped on by life’s experiences. We even get dumped on by other’s less than productive life experiences, which if we are not careful, can energetically take us down with them in the lower vibration whirlpool.

Making a concerted effort to look at what’s right in our life can help us shift up our feelings; finding something for which to be grateful every day will shift relatively quickly those lower vibrations of lack, victimization, fear, upset, anger, blame, and limitation. Whether you have lost a loved one through death or divorce, lost or hate a job, got caught up in someone else’s bad day, lost financial footing, or are generally feeling lost in your life, how we productively or unproductively move through these experiences create our future experiences, moving forward. When we focus on what’s wrong with our lives, what’s missing, and what should have, could have or would have been only sends us spiraling further downward into a sinkhole of lower vibration, the Muck Zone, which then activates attraction of even more “crap” and “loss” into our life.

Rather than spending energy pondering, wallowing, and living in what’s not right with our lives, we must shift our focus on what we have to be grateful for within it. Personally, there have been moments in my life where all I could muster in gratitude was that I was breathing, my dogs were healthy, I had $3 dollars in the bank, I have my eyesight and hearing, and the sun is shining. Finding more gratitude became a stretch, but with focused and conscious effort to appreciate what was good in my life, I began to feel better (raise my vibrations) and release the mucky feelings (lower vibrations) around my life’s challenges. An “attitude of gratitude” shifts the energy to a higher vibration of what’s good, which then leads to gradually attracting greater good into life.

The Universe knows the difference between lip service and genuine feelings of gratitude. Though when in the pits of despair, it may feel silly to be grateful that the light bulbs work or that you have a full head of hair, truly appreciating what we’ve got going for us honors the presence of God’s goodness in our life, and opens us up to receiving more. We must truly believe in that which we have going for us; as we build that momentum of thankfulness, we feel positive shifts in our vibrations, and unproductive energies release to make room for more enjoyable and meaningful opportunities.

We sweat the small stuff of what’s not right too much; honor the small stuff that’s good in our life. These small building blocks lead to building a greater foundation for goodness that we yearn and deserve in our life. Shifting out of a bad attitude into one of gratitude keeps us focused in the present, and begins the process of creating a more positive future, one moment at a time.

Don’t just “think” gratitude, but write those things for which you are grateful down in a notebook or journal to make it concrete and real to the human Ego which generates our lower vibrating emotions. Start with ten expressions of gratitude, keeping them short and sweet: I’ve got a job. Met a nice woman standing in the grocery line. Had calm conversation with the ex. The following week, bump the list up to fifteen expressions and be amazed at how easy it is to do.

Keeping a daily Gratitude Journal is a good meditative practice, even when things are going good, for we keep open the possibilities of even greater abundance through continuous gratitude. Gratitude helps us clear our head of life’s icky appearances and opens our eyes to seeing our situations with a healthier perspective, which facilitates productive problem-solving and the healing of our hearts around the experience.

I am grateful for you reading my Blog. I am grateful to serve as a messenger of Spirit. I am grateful for my life and all its experiences, and to know more deeply my Spiritual Truth of I Am. Namaste.

Love and Light.