Mirror Mirror, Where Did I Go?

Ever looked in a mirror and wonder who is staring back at you?

I turned 54 this past June, and I didn’t even realize it until a month later when a friend pointed this fact out. “What?” I reacted, not believing my ears. I remember going into denial.

“No, I’m not. Really? Oh Shit!”

Flash forward a month. I’m reviewing old VCR tapes my father made of family Christmases, and vacations he and mom too. I find a video of a wedding rehearsal when I was twenty-six.  I watch a slender woman who is preparing for her big day. Her face is flawless, sans wrinkles, puffiness, and dark circles under her eyes.  I breathlessly observe her interact with the people helping to ensure their big day is a success.  She’s focused, healthy and energetic, full of smiles, and joyful as she laughs and makes jokes during what can be a stressful experience.  I find myself asking, who is that woman?

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot over the last year when I look in the mirror, get on a scale, or go to the doctor. I ask myself this question day end and day out as I come home from work exhausted and drained of energy, disinterested in life.

The woman in the video is a woman who’s lived a lot of life.  A marriage and a divorce.  A miscarriage and the realization she’s never to have a child. A move to Colorado and a move back home to Kentucky. Failed attempts at owning a business and self-employment. Several short-lived relationships, and one long-term relationship that broke her heart. Financial hardships, struggles, bankruptcies and a foreclosure. Loss of fur-babies, a mother, and now a father suffering Lewy-Body Dementia. And finally, a sense of let-down by none other than herself.

I suppose the mid-fifties are the “mid-life crisis”?  I thought I had that in my late forties. Yes, I have made some rotten choices, though decisions I felt were in my best interest at the time.  I held on to hopes and dreams far too long when I needed to let them go sooner. I consoled myself with food rather than the comfort of friends or healthier options. I’ve isolated myself when I needed to be surrounded by supportive and loving people.

I am who I am today because of my choices, actions, and decisions; all of which took me down the path of where I am today. We all are the results of our choices, actions and decisions. Today is a day I can implement change, but the daily struggle of changing is real. We fall into the ruts, such as a demanding job that exhausts me, leaving little to nothing left of myself for myself. Exhaustion that leaves me unmotivated and disinterested in my home life and self-care, and feeling anti-social. Heaven is coming home to beagles who are happy to see me, and only need me to open the back door a couple times in the evening and fill their food and water bowls.  They demand so little of me where it feels the rest of the world demands more than I can give.

I realize that I am at choice in how year 55 plays out. A week in Colorado, away from my life offered clarity on who needs to be first on my list of priorities. This concept is foreign to me as I have always been taught to put others first. I have willingly put others first before me. It’s who I am – I believe in service to others. But to what sacrifice?  I lost somewhere along the way the important lesson if taking care of myself.  I came home to serve my parents. I have served people with developmental disabilities. I serve low income families and their children. I serve the staff who serve those families. Sometimes, I want to scream, who’s taking care of me?

But the answer is obvious.  I am responsible for me: my life choices, my actions, my decisions.  I am blessed to have a small support group of friends and family who are there for me, when I need help and ask for it. I am blessed to have a great job that allows me to make a difference in people’s lives. I must remember to take care of me first, so I am in a good place to support others. You know, that

whole oxygen mask thing.

And so, to the young woman in the video I didn’t recognize, I love you. And I know you’re still somewhere within me. You’re smarter and wiser. I just need to find your wide-eyed expectation of great things that lie ahead, even at the age of 54. I call forward the Light and Joy you brightly and willingly shined twenty-six years ago forth to reflect from me as I look into that mirror today. I am receiving you with open arms and cannot wait feel you again.  

Share your reactions to this post in the comment section and let the author know if what she's feeling resonates. Do you recognize yourself in the mirror? Are you finding it hard to shift with the aging process? We are in this journey together!

2011: Shedding Baggage like Snakes Shed Skin

Study the past if you would divine the future. ~Confucious

Each year I take an opportunity to prepare myself for leaving a year behind and starting one anew. Many are ready to get on with it, giving little to no thought to the past year and its good, bad and ugly, while others, like myself, reflect.

A year is a mile in the journey of life we travel. Wallowing in one's past with regrets is not recommended, but honestly “revisiting” the past year's experiences is a helpful study of the landscape for the last “mile” traveled this life. Reflective attitude of willingness to acknowledge one's mistakes, less than stellar moments and choices, coupled with a resolve to own responsibility and consciously commit to change one's ways are keys towards creating a better new year. Holding/Living in regret, anger, guilt, resentment, vindictiveness and wishful thinking invites the Human Ego (and its pride) to further nurture grudges, deepen resentment, and fester in blame. Law of Attraction states: what you put out in the Universe boomerangs back to you more of the same in your life.

I choose a journey free of excess baggage. “Reliving” and “stewing in” past experiences is unproductive. The new year offers an opportunity for reflection, contemplation, and re-evaluation, ideally done with compassion for self and others while objectively observing one's personal choices and actions as if watching a movie. My favorite approach involves visualizing myself sitting in a movie theater, watching the movie that has been my life in 2011. From this vantage point, and in a prayerful meditative state to hear God's guidance, we detach from the events' emotional plug-ins to witness what transpired and how we “performed” within them. Feelings may be felt, but in the observer position, their energetic grasp loosens within a reflective state of mind. This review requires purposeful willingness to be truthful with ourselves from a spiritual/God-centered place, which invites Divine wisdom and insight into the review. This approach facilitates shifting of our Ego-focused and -driven emotional obsession around past events into recognition of our responsibilities within them; it creates an openness to become more forgiving, of our self and others, and thus, the process of healing which opens the door to inner peace and harmony; and it opens a greater awareness of how to move forward more productively into the next year. We also realize the positives we experienced, accomplishments we achieved, and successes we enjoyed. We must celebrate it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

For me, 2011 involved a great deal of decluttering my life of unproductive people, patterns, and habits. Just as a snake sheds its skin, I needed to physically and energetically shed a great deal, things once comforting to me but no longer serving my highest and best good. I resisted this shedding process. Upon review of the difficult and heartbreaking events of the year, I recognized my pattern to negotiate and compromise my values in the name of keeping peace. I tried to carry “baggage” that weighed me down, both vibrationally and emotionally, when it no longer offered anything of value in my life. Lesson #1 for 2011: If a situation, a career, a relationship (family, friend, romantic), a habit, a practice or a pattern fails to create, offer or facilitate peace, joy, harmony, and love in my experience, it doesn't belong in my life. Some situations and people that I hung on to, clung to out of hope and fear, dragged me down; I held on in the hope things would get better, improve or change. My efforts compromised my authenticity and sense of self as I avoided making heartbreaking and difficult choices to change or redefine circumstances, relationships, habits, and patterns in my life. Lesson #2 for 2011: I can only control who I am, how I show up through my words, thoughts, choices, and actions, and recognize I can't control how others show up, think, choose or act.

I faced some stormy weather in 2011 that led to hard decisions and major changes in my life: unexpected financial hits, disenchantment in a career path I spent 2010 blazing, loss of a beloved pet, draining relationships and their heartbreaking end, family transitions, unemployment, and foggy confusion as I struggled to regain clarity of who I am and my purpose in this life. I worked jobs I didn't want until I secured the one reflecting my passion for serving and empowering others. I grieved the loss of business and personal connections, developed new relationships, and strengthen existing ones while eliminating those that drained me. I held “Come to Jesus” meetings with myself about my health, dating life, spiritual practices, and my purpose in life. I reclaimed a drama-free zone, realigned myself with my value system, and faced my personal challenges with humility. I dug deeper in my personal power to stand against disrespect, bullying, and verbal abuse, as well as to ask for what I want and deserve. I cried, laughed, and forgave. I eliminated anything that threatens my experience of peace, joy, love and harmony in my life. I regained a foothold of centered strength in my spiritual truth, authenticity, values and guiding principles in the face of overwhelm, hopelessness, vindictiveness, disappointments. I reclaimed my life. I reclaimed me.

My reclamation is a process continuing into 2012. 2011 revealed I compromised my principles, my values, and my higher consciousness over the last two years. It was a year to deepened my faith that God's got my back, guiding me, providing for me, and supporting me through dark times along the journey. For the first time since my mom died, I'm actually excited about Life, and about my life and the opportunities available to me. No doubt there will be bumps, detours and roadblocks attempting to deter me, distract me and even derail me along this next mile of my journey. But I am prepared to assertively move through them, to circumvent them, and if necessary, eliminate them from my path.

Thank you 2011 and everyone who facilitated my personal growth last year! Hello, 2012, let's roll! Happy New Year to you all!

Fare Thee Well 2010

It’s time to bid farewell to 2010, and annually, I take time to reflect on the year’s highlights and lowlights; 2010 was an eleven-page document! No wonder I feel exhausted at this end of this year!

Lowlights included continuing life without my mother who passed in September 2009. While the grief eased considerably with time, it stirred up as the one-year mark of her transition neared. In taking time for myself in the month before the anniversary to heal, I moved through it with greater grace than I expected. Another lowlight was my love life, and its on- and off-again saga. In hindsight, I had no idea the extent of the drama I put myself through: an engagement, a broken engagement, a move into my own place, a “working things out” phase, and the constant harassment I endured after announcing “I’m done with all of this.” And yet even in the last month, I gave one more benefit of the doubt in offering another chance in response to pleas of desperation to turn things around. Thankfully, in a Kamikaze-style (self-sabotage that kills any chances of any future relationship, never mind contact, respect and trust) act on the part of the mastermind that has been the writer, director, and actor in this theater production, the curtain has finally closed. Of course, I recognize and acknowledge my role as co-star in this tragicomedy; now I know I should’ve bowed out after Act One started! But live and learn! While stressful, emotionally challenging, and extremely disappointing to watch someone I love show up less than authentically, even delusional, I am grateful for the learning and growth opportunity. I learned even more deeply the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness. I also remembered once again that I can only change how I show up, and that I can’t change another, no matter how much I love him.

2010 highlights included the ever-increasing success of my business: Soaring Dove Connection/Healing Life Energy. Starting my business from the ground up in new and foreign territory in February 2010, I am humbled and honored by the amazing support of the spiritual, professional, and business community. I’ve never experienced such amazing generosity and warm welcome upon my arrival. I am blessed with fabulous clients whose spirits I adore, and who I enjoy getting to know better each time we meet. And I’m truly honored and blessed to be living my dream of serving others in my commitment and service to Spirit/God. Another highlight was the launch of the Mentoring program and the opportunity to witness six human beings expand their inner spiritual lights. In working with them, and all my clients, I give thanks daily to have the opportunity to see God’s beauty of each and every person who crosses the threshold of Soaring Dove Connection/Healing Life Energy. Another highlight of 2010 was my training with Healing Touch and the wonderful people I met in St. Louis, Asheville, and Loveland/Cincinnati. I have experienced professional growth as an energy therapist and in 2011, I forge ahead towards certification. I look forward to continued professional and personal growth as I grow as a energy healer, a business woman and a Source of Light on Planet Earth.



Another festive and fun highlight in 2010 was the fun I had with my "Gal-Pal Posse." (pictured here; check out the orb in our pic!) These former classmates and I enjoyed a couple of slumber parties (yes, middle-aged women still know how to have a good time!), several Friday after Five’s in Owensboro, swim parties, and a drive-in excursion, all of which were just what the soul doctor ordered for this woman’s exhausted soul spirit!

And so, we move into 2011; I invite you take some time before popping your champagne cork, and tooting those blow horns at midnight to take stock of your 2010. Doing so is very empowering when you see all the accomplishments and good times that were had. The lowlights don’t seem so bad when you position them against all the good stuff and blessings you enjoyed through the year. And when you see all the good stuff, you are empowered and motivated to want more, to go for more in 2011. After all, we are the Creator of our reality; God gave you and me this gift of Life, Creative Power of Choice, and personally, I’m going to make the most of it so that my choices and actions honor that gift. Won’t you join me? Celebrate 2010 and safely welcome 2011!

Happy New Year!