Mirror Mirror, Where Did I Go?

Ever looked in a mirror and wonder who is staring back at you?

I turned 54 this past June, and I didn’t even realize it until a month later when a friend pointed this fact out. “What?” I reacted, not believing my ears. I remember going into denial.

“No, I’m not. Really? Oh Shit!”

Flash forward a month. I’m reviewing old VCR tapes my father made of family Christmases, and vacations he and mom too. I find a video of a wedding rehearsal when I was twenty-six.  I watch a slender woman who is preparing for her big day. Her face is flawless, sans wrinkles, puffiness, and dark circles under her eyes.  I breathlessly observe her interact with the people helping to ensure their big day is a success.  She’s focused, healthy and energetic, full of smiles, and joyful as she laughs and makes jokes during what can be a stressful experience.  I find myself asking, who is that woman?

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot over the last year when I look in the mirror, get on a scale, or go to the doctor. I ask myself this question day end and day out as I come home from work exhausted and drained of energy, disinterested in life.

The woman in the video is a woman who’s lived a lot of life.  A marriage and a divorce.  A miscarriage and the realization she’s never to have a child. A move to Colorado and a move back home to Kentucky. Failed attempts at owning a business and self-employment. Several short-lived relationships, and one long-term relationship that broke her heart. Financial hardships, struggles, bankruptcies and a foreclosure. Loss of fur-babies, a mother, and now a father suffering Lewy-Body Dementia. And finally, a sense of let-down by none other than herself.

I suppose the mid-fifties are the “mid-life crisis”?  I thought I had that in my late forties. Yes, I have made some rotten choices, though decisions I felt were in my best interest at the time.  I held on to hopes and dreams far too long when I needed to let them go sooner. I consoled myself with food rather than the comfort of friends or healthier options. I’ve isolated myself when I needed to be surrounded by supportive and loving people.

I am who I am today because of my choices, actions, and decisions; all of which took me down the path of where I am today. We all are the results of our choices, actions and decisions. Today is a day I can implement change, but the daily struggle of changing is real. We fall into the ruts, such as a demanding job that exhausts me, leaving little to nothing left of myself for myself. Exhaustion that leaves me unmotivated and disinterested in my home life and self-care, and feeling anti-social. Heaven is coming home to beagles who are happy to see me, and only need me to open the back door a couple times in the evening and fill their food and water bowls.  They demand so little of me where it feels the rest of the world demands more than I can give.

I realize that I am at choice in how year 55 plays out. A week in Colorado, away from my life offered clarity on who needs to be first on my list of priorities. This concept is foreign to me as I have always been taught to put others first. I have willingly put others first before me. It’s who I am – I believe in service to others. But to what sacrifice?  I lost somewhere along the way the important lesson if taking care of myself.  I came home to serve my parents. I have served people with developmental disabilities. I serve low income families and their children. I serve the staff who serve those families. Sometimes, I want to scream, who’s taking care of me?

But the answer is obvious.  I am responsible for me: my life choices, my actions, my decisions.  I am blessed to have a small support group of friends and family who are there for me, when I need help and ask for it. I am blessed to have a great job that allows me to make a difference in people’s lives. I must remember to take care of me first, so I am in a good place to support others. You know, that

whole oxygen mask thing.

And so, to the young woman in the video I didn’t recognize, I love you. And I know you’re still somewhere within me. You’re smarter and wiser. I just need to find your wide-eyed expectation of great things that lie ahead, even at the age of 54. I call forward the Light and Joy you brightly and willingly shined twenty-six years ago forth to reflect from me as I look into that mirror today. I am receiving you with open arms and cannot wait feel you again.  

Share your reactions to this post in the comment section and let the author know if what she's feeling resonates. Do you recognize yourself in the mirror? Are you finding it hard to shift with the aging process? We are in this journey together!