Monday, March 23, 2009

Today, I am in Owensboro, Kentucky where my parents live. My mom is terminally ill with renal cancer that has invaded her brain. Since learning of this news in late-January, I've made monthly week-long trips to Kentucky to spend as much time as I can with her. I also have been helping them get affairs in order, and gives my dad a bit of break with the household chores.

Mom had another MRI today to ascertain what, if anything, the low dose of chemotherapy has done to stop and/or shrink the tumors. She has several on her brain, but a larger one at the base of her brain, which is the most concerning; according to the doctors, this will be the one that does her in. We learned today that the tumors have actually grown a bit, and she has suffered a "mini-stroke" known as TIA. Don't ask me what they stand for - it's written down somewhere I am not right now.

As a psychic, I often know things before they happen. I don’t always fully trust those hits I get, but it never fails, they come to pass. I've had this ability since I was a kid. I can remember when I was in high school knowing a boyfriend was cheating on me, but I had no proof. The proof appeared and my intuition was right. As I have nurtured this psychic ability, I've learned to trust my hits, even without benefit of validation. But with my mom, I get hits around what is coming to pass around her health, and it can be a challenge, especially when validation occurs with the latest doctor's reports. It's challenging being a psychic. I can't give too much of what I know away with my family, and yet, I can sometimes help prepare my family for the possibility of this news.

So, with the latest news, I wasn't surprised to hear she'd had a mini-stroke. She'd told me she'd fell and didn't remember how she got on the floor; the last thing she remembered was she was moving a chair in place under the table. She insisted she “fell asleep” while doing the task. I wasn't surprised to hear that the tumors weren't shrinking, but rather that they had grown. I knew the tumors were causing some of the latest symptoms of her inability to steady herself in balance when walking, and the blackout.

I “see” more of what lies ahead but I dare not speak it aloud. I know in my heart what is coming to pass, and even when. Time will tell if my intuitive hits are correct. But for now, I hold space for my family; while I am somewhat resigned to what will be, my brother and my father are not quite there yet, though they know the inevitable end result. I see within them hope that this situation will change, and that there's more time than there really is. I see them hoping mom will be her "normal" self until the end. I am not going to take that away from them. In doing so, I am honoring their journey within this experience. We often times impose upon others "what we know or what we think we know," right or wrong. While I'm confident in what I know, in this situation, my hope is in that I'm wrong.

The bottom line is that regardless of what I know intuitively or not, I am being in THIS moment, right here and now, with my mom and my family. That is where we all need to be. As we wait with bated breath for more definitive news at another doctor's appointment this Thursday, we can only be in this moment, enjoying what time we still have together, with my mom, right now.


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