There is such a flux of emotion moving through me, and I’m unsure how to identify them. They are blended, as threads are in fabric, so tightly that I can not compartmentalize what it is I feel. But as with fabric, I know that in the blend, all that is moving through me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually creates a beautiful product called me. I know that as I move through this experience with my mother, one that is intertwined with many other spiritually shifting experiences in my life right now, I am shifting higher in vibration, deeper in Consciousness, and becoming wider awake in Self-Enlightenment. Breathing is a key tool through this process. A dear friend made mention to remind me that as my mother’s breathing lessens, I must remember to breathe. I am consciously remembering to take time to myself to center, to feel what comes up. I am also remembering to reach out and ask for help – support. And most importantly, I am fighting harder against the “what if” of what’s yet to come, and to stay present in each moment. As my mom’s transition nears, this task is more challenging to remember and practice, but having the awareness makes it easier to manage; this is the power of Consciousness of God Within.
Each moment is ever changing; this is true in normal life circumstances; but the essence of moments in the presence of the dying is heightened in every possible way. The dynamics of all that this experience creates could be perceived as a jumbled wad of rubber bands or the beautiful design of a spider’s web. As I walk my dogs and enjoy the beautiful setting of my parents’ property, the Universe shares numerous spider webs to remind me of how beautiful this experience truly is, and can be if I allow it to be so. Inevitably, the pain of grief and loss will be present within it, but the beauty of the experience, any experience really, can be had if we allow ourselves to step out of the emotional space and be an observer in the moment. I’m learning the importance of balance between the Subjective and Observer, for I must honor my human Self within the experience, but I also must honor the journeys of others, i.e. my mom, dad, etc., by stepping out of “my stuff” in order to support them. I productively serve no one, including myself, through the selfishness of self-pity and victimization. My mom has role-modeled courage and spiritual Inner strength from the get-go of this illness; she’s been an excellent teacher for all of us who are here watching her move through this process.
My relationship with death has changed through this experience; it feels less foreign, especially after reading about the dying process as experienced by others, as shared by Hospice nurses who support them and their families. Knowledge truly is power, nay, empowerment, in moving through the human experience; having a greater understanding of what those who have moved through the dying process has helped me better understand and serve my mom, as well as my family. My perception of death is less alien; there’s a small part of me that envies what my mother will experience as she returns to our Source from which we all come, returning home to her soul tribe and all that is God’s Truth. I will miss her horribly after she leaves her physical vessel, but I am so deeply honored to have the opportunity to share this experience with her, and support her in it. As my dear friend Barb reminded me last evening, my mom has not only given me the gift of life, but blessed me with the gift of witnessing her rebirth into a new life, Eternal and Infinite. Thank you mom, and thank you Spirit for the opportunity.
Please accept my heartfelt thanks for continuing to hold my mom, family and me in your prayers. And thank you for the opportunity and honor to share this experience with you through this venue. Namaste.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Reality Checks
Yesterday was a tough day: busy with people coming and going checking on mom and dad, bringing a meal, etc., and the emotional aspects of it all. We don’t have these days often, but when we do, it is tiring and time slips away unnoticed, leaving you off-balance. Schedules do not exist in the human experience of dying; I learned early on that trying to keep a schedule in this situation will tire and stress you out more than the situation itself. It’s not worth it; thus, the power of living in the moment, and going with the flow. When I arrived, my dad was trying to keep my mom on a schedule, in his mind, for her benefit as well as his; she seemed to resent it some, and I can understand why. I began to realize that the dying have no interest in keeping up with the schedules of the living. Ultimately, my dad let go of keeping a schedule, and mom's health deterioration somewhat forced his hand in it. But yesterday, in experiencing the time vacuum we're living in right now, I also realized how easy it is for the Human Ego to generate illusions to protect us from the truth of reality.
When you are with someone who is dying, you notice changes in your loved one. They can be extreme, such as the effects of a seizure, or they can be gradual: physical strength weakens; eyes glazing over now and again; staring into space, as if they are asleep with eyes wide open; grogginess early in the day, and more alert later on; changes in their interest in communication, ranging from complete withdrawal to actively engaging, scrambled responses to flat-out response refusal. What I just described is how my mom's condition has changed in just one week. From what I’m reading, it's a normal part of the dying process, though it can differ with each person. But in this case, especially someone who has a head full of brain tumors, these changes are the result of her brain getting wires crossed, misfiring, twisting her tongue and scrambling her thoughts. And from what is called the Nearing Death Awareness, I'm understanding that some of this may be she has one foot in the other world in preparation for her nearing departure from this one.
As my dad and I observe each minor change in my mom, I began to notice that we instantly sought out the reason for the change: she's tired, she's hungry, she needs oxygen, or she's under the influence of the pain medication we gave her. In this process, we were rationalizing these changes with an undertone of needing to fix it so she’d get better: she needs more sleep; she needs to eat; she needs more oxygen; maybe she doesn’t need the pain pill. Our Human Mind will find the information it needs, correct or not, that will block acceptance of the difficult realit, in our case, that her health is deteriorating and moving her closer to her death. Our Human Ego is designed to protect us from pain, hurt, heartache, etc., and it will sometimes help us create an illusion, a belief, that will deny it, defend against it. We do this is all areas of our life, in a variety of different ways, be it our career, relationships, love life, health - in every choice we basically make in how to show up in life.
When I realized the amount of energy I was putting towards creating these illusions, I became aware that I was avoiding the emotional truth of the situation: Mom is dying and I'm not ready for it to happen. Conscious to this hard truth, I shifted from the subjective (emotional) experience to that of observer to better understand how I was showing up in these dialogues with my dad, and witness our efforts to lessen the facts, and resist the course of the eventual outcome. It’s understandable, and normal for us to do so in any situation; we don’t like it when things are not going our way. Dad and I both intellectually know mom will die, and soon, but our hearts aren't ready for it, and our devoted Human Egos are working to protect us from the grief we've already felt (though my Dad isn't expressing), and will overwhelmingly feel when she does transition. We must honor our human self, not deny it, or worse, suppress its existence; but rather, we must allow the emotion in order to move through the experience, to know the truth of our situation so we may heal. Ignoring the truthful reality of one's situation serves no one well, least of all, ourself. As the observer, I am better able to process my own "stuff" around my mom's dying, and better serve my dad from a higher vibration of love, patience, and compassion, rather than feed the fear and resistance we both were feeling. As a human being, I must allow myself to feel my grief, and my anger and upset of watching my mom prepare to leave me here in the physical Realm.
Emotionally, I sank yesterday, and allowed my grief come to the surface, and move through me. No one wants to lose someone, and I understand why my dad and I analyze every nuance in an effort to pacify our discomfort with the reality. I want my mom to keep smiling at me, offer her cheeky humor when answering my questions, and to keep talking to me, in whatever fashion, so I may continue to hear her voice. We each come to accepting the truth at hand of any situation in our own time; sometimes, some of us never do in some areas of life. But I encourage you to step out of the emotionally subjective space of whatever challenging situation you may be in and become the objective observer of your experience. It takes practice, and in doing so, you may learn a great deal about yourself, and understand the "what is" of your situation. Your “observer” can offer the awareness that empowers you to make different choices in how you show up, and ultimately, support your efforts in changing how you manage your experiences, and how they unfold. Stepping out of the subjective perspective and into the “observer” position to face one’s own truth takes a great deal of courage. We all are courageous within, no matter what you believe about yourself. When I was teenager, miserable and depressed, and again later in college, I didn't believe I had the courage to live life and considered checking out; but I found the courage to stick with it. After my divorce, I didn't believe I could carry on, or love again; yet, I found the courage to recover and move on. When I decided to pick up and move to Colorado ten years ago, I wasn't sure I could pull it off, but found the courage to make it work, despite the difficulties I experienced upon arrival. I'm unemployed again, uncertain of what my next move is, and awaiting the passing of a parent I love dearly; in this newest human experience, my toughest yet (though I've always believed that my previous challenge was the toughest), I continuously surprise myself at the amount of courage I manage to find Within as I continue in this human journey. I am supported by God, family and friends, and I've found the courage to ask for help, and loving support so that I don't have to "go it" alone.
I know each one of us is infinitely courageous. Reach more deeply Within for the courage you need to move through a situation, one in which you may be living in illusion. Invite the Observer within you to witness your journey from a different perspective, so you may experience life's journey with greater ease and grace, and with greater Self-awareness, Self-gentleness and Self-love.
Love and Light to you all. Thank you for your support during my family's challenge.
When you are with someone who is dying, you notice changes in your loved one. They can be extreme, such as the effects of a seizure, or they can be gradual: physical strength weakens; eyes glazing over now and again; staring into space, as if they are asleep with eyes wide open; grogginess early in the day, and more alert later on; changes in their interest in communication, ranging from complete withdrawal to actively engaging, scrambled responses to flat-out response refusal. What I just described is how my mom's condition has changed in just one week. From what I’m reading, it's a normal part of the dying process, though it can differ with each person. But in this case, especially someone who has a head full of brain tumors, these changes are the result of her brain getting wires crossed, misfiring, twisting her tongue and scrambling her thoughts. And from what is called the Nearing Death Awareness, I'm understanding that some of this may be she has one foot in the other world in preparation for her nearing departure from this one.
As my dad and I observe each minor change in my mom, I began to notice that we instantly sought out the reason for the change: she's tired, she's hungry, she needs oxygen, or she's under the influence of the pain medication we gave her. In this process, we were rationalizing these changes with an undertone of needing to fix it so she’d get better: she needs more sleep; she needs to eat; she needs more oxygen; maybe she doesn’t need the pain pill. Our Human Mind will find the information it needs, correct or not, that will block acceptance of the difficult realit, in our case, that her health is deteriorating and moving her closer to her death. Our Human Ego is designed to protect us from pain, hurt, heartache, etc., and it will sometimes help us create an illusion, a belief, that will deny it, defend against it. We do this is all areas of our life, in a variety of different ways, be it our career, relationships, love life, health - in every choice we basically make in how to show up in life.
When I realized the amount of energy I was putting towards creating these illusions, I became aware that I was avoiding the emotional truth of the situation: Mom is dying and I'm not ready for it to happen. Conscious to this hard truth, I shifted from the subjective (emotional) experience to that of observer to better understand how I was showing up in these dialogues with my dad, and witness our efforts to lessen the facts, and resist the course of the eventual outcome. It’s understandable, and normal for us to do so in any situation; we don’t like it when things are not going our way. Dad and I both intellectually know mom will die, and soon, but our hearts aren't ready for it, and our devoted Human Egos are working to protect us from the grief we've already felt (though my Dad isn't expressing), and will overwhelmingly feel when she does transition. We must honor our human self, not deny it, or worse, suppress its existence; but rather, we must allow the emotion in order to move through the experience, to know the truth of our situation so we may heal. Ignoring the truthful reality of one's situation serves no one well, least of all, ourself. As the observer, I am better able to process my own "stuff" around my mom's dying, and better serve my dad from a higher vibration of love, patience, and compassion, rather than feed the fear and resistance we both were feeling. As a human being, I must allow myself to feel my grief, and my anger and upset of watching my mom prepare to leave me here in the physical Realm.
Emotionally, I sank yesterday, and allowed my grief come to the surface, and move through me. No one wants to lose someone, and I understand why my dad and I analyze every nuance in an effort to pacify our discomfort with the reality. I want my mom to keep smiling at me, offer her cheeky humor when answering my questions, and to keep talking to me, in whatever fashion, so I may continue to hear her voice. We each come to accepting the truth at hand of any situation in our own time; sometimes, some of us never do in some areas of life. But I encourage you to step out of the emotionally subjective space of whatever challenging situation you may be in and become the objective observer of your experience. It takes practice, and in doing so, you may learn a great deal about yourself, and understand the "what is" of your situation. Your “observer” can offer the awareness that empowers you to make different choices in how you show up, and ultimately, support your efforts in changing how you manage your experiences, and how they unfold. Stepping out of the subjective perspective and into the “observer” position to face one’s own truth takes a great deal of courage. We all are courageous within, no matter what you believe about yourself. When I was teenager, miserable and depressed, and again later in college, I didn't believe I had the courage to live life and considered checking out; but I found the courage to stick with it. After my divorce, I didn't believe I could carry on, or love again; yet, I found the courage to recover and move on. When I decided to pick up and move to Colorado ten years ago, I wasn't sure I could pull it off, but found the courage to make it work, despite the difficulties I experienced upon arrival. I'm unemployed again, uncertain of what my next move is, and awaiting the passing of a parent I love dearly; in this newest human experience, my toughest yet (though I've always believed that my previous challenge was the toughest), I continuously surprise myself at the amount of courage I manage to find Within as I continue in this human journey. I am supported by God, family and friends, and I've found the courage to ask for help, and loving support so that I don't have to "go it" alone.
I know each one of us is infinitely courageous. Reach more deeply Within for the courage you need to move through a situation, one in which you may be living in illusion. Invite the Observer within you to witness your journey from a different perspective, so you may experience life's journey with greater ease and grace, and with greater Self-awareness, Self-gentleness and Self-love.
Love and Light to you all. Thank you for your support during my family's challenge.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Living in the Moment
I'm finding that living in each moment can be a bit unsettling, and yet so freeing, at the same time.
For the first time since I've been up this morning, I realize it is 11:15 a.m., the inspiration and time of this writing. It's not that I just lay around doing nothing as the morning continues on; straightening the house, cleaning the kitchen, catching up on some laundry, seeing to the dogs, journaling, reading the Sunday ads, checking email, making beds, talking with mom and seeing to her needs, talking to pop, and shedding a few tears in an effort to purge building emotion. Yet, when I realized what time it was, my immediate thought was, I've gotten nothing done!
I realize that this "thought process" stems from a belief system of being that I've lived with, that many of us live with on a daily basis for many years. My life, as are most lives, function on schedules, deadlines, timelines, expectations. As the master of multitasking, I am in a time right now where multi-tasking isn't possible; my mental state is in emotional distraction around my mom and this human experience; I must stay focused on one task at a time, seeing it through before moving on to the next one at hand. Otherwise, I may complete nothing, and make myself an emotional mental wreck in attempts to juggle it all at once.
But why must we juggle it all at once? I'm really pondering this question, for I have always been proud of what a great and efficient multi-tasker I am; it was a key selling point that most employers loved seeing on my resume and in my job performance! But is it really the way we are intended to live? Our country, world, technology has created this existence. I've created this existence for my own life over the years, and thrived in it, and even seen is as who I am - Miss Efficient Multi-tasking Queen.
So when I see the list above of all that I've done this morning, and yet, hold this sense I've accomplished nothing, I question my point of reference of this conclusion. And I see that only I (with the help of our culture) have created the point of reference. I'm learning that the cookie doesn't crumble if the laundry isn't done immediately upon its creation, if emails aren't returned instantly, and blogs aren't done on a daily basis. Why do we pressure ourselves to such extremes that we burden ourselves with stress?
As I move through this experience, which I know is Divinely purposeful for me, as well as all involved, I am experiencing introspective moments that leave me feeling "aha's" and feeling unsettled at the same time. The good news, which I have to make myself consciously remember, is that I don't have to have it all figured out right this minute in order to move on through my day, week, and this experience. Hey, whadda ya know, maybe I can effectively and enjoyably live my life without having it all figured out without the timely fashion of a deadline!
Love and light.
P.S. Forgive the typos, if any. I'm getting over being perfect too! :-)
For the first time since I've been up this morning, I realize it is 11:15 a.m., the inspiration and time of this writing. It's not that I just lay around doing nothing as the morning continues on; straightening the house, cleaning the kitchen, catching up on some laundry, seeing to the dogs, journaling, reading the Sunday ads, checking email, making beds, talking with mom and seeing to her needs, talking to pop, and shedding a few tears in an effort to purge building emotion. Yet, when I realized what time it was, my immediate thought was, I've gotten nothing done!
I realize that this "thought process" stems from a belief system of being that I've lived with, that many of us live with on a daily basis for many years. My life, as are most lives, function on schedules, deadlines, timelines, expectations. As the master of multitasking, I am in a time right now where multi-tasking isn't possible; my mental state is in emotional distraction around my mom and this human experience; I must stay focused on one task at a time, seeing it through before moving on to the next one at hand. Otherwise, I may complete nothing, and make myself an emotional mental wreck in attempts to juggle it all at once.
But why must we juggle it all at once? I'm really pondering this question, for I have always been proud of what a great and efficient multi-tasker I am; it was a key selling point that most employers loved seeing on my resume and in my job performance! But is it really the way we are intended to live? Our country, world, technology has created this existence. I've created this existence for my own life over the years, and thrived in it, and even seen is as who I am - Miss Efficient Multi-tasking Queen.
So when I see the list above of all that I've done this morning, and yet, hold this sense I've accomplished nothing, I question my point of reference of this conclusion. And I see that only I (with the help of our culture) have created the point of reference. I'm learning that the cookie doesn't crumble if the laundry isn't done immediately upon its creation, if emails aren't returned instantly, and blogs aren't done on a daily basis. Why do we pressure ourselves to such extremes that we burden ourselves with stress?
As I move through this experience, which I know is Divinely purposeful for me, as well as all involved, I am experiencing introspective moments that leave me feeling "aha's" and feeling unsettled at the same time. The good news, which I have to make myself consciously remember, is that I don't have to have it all figured out right this minute in order to move on through my day, week, and this experience. Hey, whadda ya know, maybe I can effectively and enjoyably live my life without having it all figured out without the timely fashion of a deadline!
Love and light.
P.S. Forgive the typos, if any. I'm getting over being perfect too! :-)
Friday, July 17, 2009
It's been a while since I posted a note. My apologies but I am on a wild ride in this life. Since my last posting, I lost my job, stored my belongings into a storage unit in Colorado, and have gone home for a while to Kentucky to spend time with my mom who is terminal and nearing her transition, as well as to help my dad with her care at home.
Since I arrived little over a week ago Monday, my mom’s condition has deteriorated. Each day brings a new challenge, a change. This experience is truly the ultimate classroom of learning how to live one moment at a time. I learned quickly that you can not become attached to a plan, and really strengthening my ability to "go with the flow."
In the midst of this difficult time, I find myself feeling the greatest of love I've ever felt from my mom. Like most mothers and daughters, we've had our tumultuous times, but overall, our relationship has been close. Since learning of the news in January of her terminal diagnosis (renal cell carcinoma, multiple tumors on her brain, and probably elsewhere in her body now), I've called and talked to her daily on the phone from Colorado. It became a joke with my Dad that between 3-4 p.m. CST, when the phone rang, it was me. Our conversations are now limited to questions and answers, as her ability to speak and bring her thoughts to verbalization lessens. My dad and I are now having to do everything for her, from her personal hygiene to feeding her. I cherish each moment I can touch her, hug her, kiss her. With a level of deepest consciousness that I've ever experienced, I cherish moments when she kisses me back, reaches out to touch my hand or arm, or play with my curls when I'm holding her as we change her bed. My heart fills powerfully with love for her as I watch her eat, watch TV, or just sleeps. And I tell her several times a day how much I love her, and allow her "I love you's" to pierce my heart and soul, as if etching them there forever.
There are also so many beautiful moments. Mom’s brother and sister visited her last week. Considering their estranged relationship over the last few years, the visit went remarkably well, and mom actually enjoyed it more than I believe she expected would. At one point, I needed help with my mom's toileting, and surprisingly, her sister jumped in to help. It was heartwarming to see these two women hug as my aunt held her up to move her; I felt the love they had for each other melt away any differences between them. I was honored to witness the healing their relationship within that hug; the energy between my mother and aunt was the warmest I’d seen or felt between them since their mom died three years ago.
This experience is teaching me a great deal. All things in our life happen to support our spiritual growth, propel us in a direction we are destined to head prior to entering this human experience, and allow us multitudes of opportunities to truly remember the Truth of who we are as spiritual beings. In all honestly, I've spent the first week or more muddling through it all; when I finally decided to take the time for meditation and affirmative prayer, I'm feeling more centered, which is also allowing me to be of greater service to my mom and dad. Journaling the emotions around this experience, such as frustration, grief, fear, uncertainty, worry, and resentment, as well as sharing them with my support systems supports the Human within me. Remember, we are spiritual beings having a human experience and we must honor our human Ego as well as our spiritual Self. I allow whatever emotions to come to the surface, mostly of late, lots of tears; reaching out for hugs and support from aunts and friends comfort me, the human. Knowing the presence of God/Spirit within this human experience, within my mom and dad, and me, comforts me spiritually that all is Divine Perfection.
Thanks for reading and your support. I miss Colorado, but trust I am exactly where I am to be in this leg of my journey, and that the Divine is present within it for me and my family. Love to all.
Since I arrived little over a week ago Monday, my mom’s condition has deteriorated. Each day brings a new challenge, a change. This experience is truly the ultimate classroom of learning how to live one moment at a time. I learned quickly that you can not become attached to a plan, and really strengthening my ability to "go with the flow."
In the midst of this difficult time, I find myself feeling the greatest of love I've ever felt from my mom. Like most mothers and daughters, we've had our tumultuous times, but overall, our relationship has been close. Since learning of the news in January of her terminal diagnosis (renal cell carcinoma, multiple tumors on her brain, and probably elsewhere in her body now), I've called and talked to her daily on the phone from Colorado. It became a joke with my Dad that between 3-4 p.m. CST, when the phone rang, it was me. Our conversations are now limited to questions and answers, as her ability to speak and bring her thoughts to verbalization lessens. My dad and I are now having to do everything for her, from her personal hygiene to feeding her. I cherish each moment I can touch her, hug her, kiss her. With a level of deepest consciousness that I've ever experienced, I cherish moments when she kisses me back, reaches out to touch my hand or arm, or play with my curls when I'm holding her as we change her bed. My heart fills powerfully with love for her as I watch her eat, watch TV, or just sleeps. And I tell her several times a day how much I love her, and allow her "I love you's" to pierce my heart and soul, as if etching them there forever.
There are also so many beautiful moments. Mom’s brother and sister visited her last week. Considering their estranged relationship over the last few years, the visit went remarkably well, and mom actually enjoyed it more than I believe she expected would. At one point, I needed help with my mom's toileting, and surprisingly, her sister jumped in to help. It was heartwarming to see these two women hug as my aunt held her up to move her; I felt the love they had for each other melt away any differences between them. I was honored to witness the healing their relationship within that hug; the energy between my mother and aunt was the warmest I’d seen or felt between them since their mom died three years ago.
This experience is teaching me a great deal. All things in our life happen to support our spiritual growth, propel us in a direction we are destined to head prior to entering this human experience, and allow us multitudes of opportunities to truly remember the Truth of who we are as spiritual beings. In all honestly, I've spent the first week or more muddling through it all; when I finally decided to take the time for meditation and affirmative prayer, I'm feeling more centered, which is also allowing me to be of greater service to my mom and dad. Journaling the emotions around this experience, such as frustration, grief, fear, uncertainty, worry, and resentment, as well as sharing them with my support systems supports the Human within me. Remember, we are spiritual beings having a human experience and we must honor our human Ego as well as our spiritual Self. I allow whatever emotions to come to the surface, mostly of late, lots of tears; reaching out for hugs and support from aunts and friends comfort me, the human. Knowing the presence of God/Spirit within this human experience, within my mom and dad, and me, comforts me spiritually that all is Divine Perfection.
Thanks for reading and your support. I miss Colorado, but trust I am exactly where I am to be in this leg of my journey, and that the Divine is present within it for me and my family. Love to all.
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