Sunday, September 26, 2010

Understanding Conditional Love and Unconditional Love

Are you truly open to forgiveness and healing? I have a friend who, after many efforts to mend the fence with another mutual friend, is continually getting rejected for her efforts, and being accused of being hateful. In the same breath of criticism and judgments, our mutual friend professes “love” for my friend who has repeatedly attempted to extend the olive branch. Now, help me out here: if one truly has love in one’s heart, would one continually respond to efforts of healing with belligerent accusations and a complete unwillingness to accept repeated apologies, therefore, withhold forgiveness? Is this truly an expression of love?

Technically,no. This expression is one of conditional love, upon which one renders love on the condition that another shows up how one wants that person to show up. The Master Teacher taught unconditional love, as well as forgiveness. As Jesus hung on the cross gasping his last breath, he asked of his Maker, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Chewing someone out and in another breath claiming love for that very person you are “putting” into place in the name of self-righteousness, is not Christian, spiritual or unconditional. This proclamation of love is a lie, and setting forth conditions. Holding grudges, hanging on and spewing resentment and grievances does not exemplify any kind of love Jesus taught. It is simply an expression of Human Ego, wounded, self-serving, misery-creating and self-righteous Ego energy.

Refusal to accept another’s apology may not be easy upon first blush; in fact, it is understandable that one may need to “lick the wounds” of hurts inflicted, intentionally or unintentionally, by another. However, when we choose to lick that wound raw, and feed it with growing disdain, resentment and anger towards the other person, and even dragging others into the cause to fuel our “victimization,” this demonstration takes one into the opposite direction of God; some may liken it to the work of the Devil. It is simply the Human Ego, hurt and unhealed from many past hurts, taking over and running the show of one’s life. If misery abounds in one’s life, you can guarantee that Ego is in the driver’s seat, not God. We create our own reality, and it can be created unconsciously or consciously. When the Human Ego is in charge, we are usually living this life unconsciously, not realizing how we are showing up. How are we handling the situation? Are we open to the possibility of healing? To resolving the conflict? Or are we fueling it with our words, unproductive accusations, and falsehoods? Are we lying to ourselves as well as to another? If we can learn to stop, and truly and honestly evaluate how we are behaving, we can begin the process of awakening. If there is any indication of hurt, anger, resentment, even hard feelings in the mildest form, we are in Human Ego, and we are still in need of healing.

The good news is that we do not need the other person with whom we are at odds to do our healing work. If everyone on the planet disappeared tonight, you could still render forgiveness to others as well as to yourself. Not everyone is willing to participate in this healing process; sometimes, we may choose not to involve the other person if it places us at risk of verbal, emotional or physical abuse. But we can find resolve within ourselves and experience a healing process that releases the other person to his or her own journey, however he or she wishes to travel it. Healing begins first and foremost within us, and healing isn’t lip service; it’s that genuine energetic sensation in one’s heart that says, I love you no matter what you say, how you show up. It is unconditional love laced with forgiveness, so that if you ever were to run into that someone again, you can in sincerity and without a bat of the eye say “hello,” and hold him or her in the highest vibration of love, regardless of their response.

If you are bitter towards another, you have not fully rendered forgiveness. If you are still talk smack about someone, lashing out periodically towards him or her because you need to put him or her in his or her place, you are not living in unconditional love and forgiveness. And as such, you have not experienced the true healing, nor practicing that which were the two greatest lessons taught by a Master Teacher who walked upon this Earth.


Anonymous said...

The saying "To forgive is truly divine", is just what it implies. But considering we are mere humans living with the "human condition" we will continue to be fallible.

But I agree with you 100%, forgiveness releases the harmful feelings which weighs one down. Therefore, holding one back from achieving the ultimate experience of a more fulfilling, joyful,and peaceful existence.


Carolyn Ferber said...

Yes, Little Dipper, we will make mistakes; we are always at choice. What we do with these mistakes determine how we show up moving forward in the spiritual journey. We are more than humans living with the “human condition”, we are spiritual beings in the human experience, here to live within the human experience as divine spiritual beings – children of God. Let us not use as a belief in human fallibility, the belief that “we are mere humans living with the “human condition” as an excuse to choose, to live less than the Higher way, and especially not to render forgiveness towards another, and just as importantly of our self, as well as to withhold it from another.