Pride is a tall,
strong dark beauty, a steed that keeps me safe, high and mighty above all
others who do not understand or see my way of thinking. Pride held me
high within self-righteousness, above and beyond others and their hearts. But when
enough hearts collectively feel hurt and anger, they come together as one to
speak loudly against Injustice, the weapon that threatens the life of a mighty
steed such as Pride.
Once on the ground and licking my wounds, feeling
victimized and unappreciated, I protested because I knew I was right and they
were wrong. I attempted to stand and remount Pride, taking offense and placing
blame on everyone else. Pride huffed, stomping the ground with her hoof over the injustice, standing by to protect me as I found excuses and reasons for being thrown off my high horse. But in protecting me, Pride over zealously dealt a
few blows, rearing in protest, knocking me down again as I attempted to stand
against the perceived injustices. The harder I fought them, the harder Pride
fought too, until her efforts to defend delivered a final blow; knocking me out, leaving me breathless and helpless
in the muck and mire of the cold hard truth. If I stood once more, Pride would continue
to fight, and ultimately, I would be battered and defeated. I realized then, until
I sent Pride away, I would never recover from my fall.
We all have a high horse named Pride that misleads us into believing
we are safely rooted in what we believe is the truth and that which we are
unwilling to yield. A truth we are unwilling to acknowledge the remotest possibility
that we could be wrong. A truth that tightly reins in our belief to make us feel okay; just within our choices,
our behaviors, our actions, despite leaving others feeling hurt and unfairly treated. Pride allows us to sit tall, above all and others, protected from lowering
ourselves to the level of those we’ve hurt, disappointed or upset. She keeps us
from looking at these individuals and seeing their points of view, their
perception of who we’ve been or what we’ve done through their own
eyes. Pride protects us from realizing how we made others feel less than,
misled, and worthless. From
this “above it all” mount, we take comfort in the unwillingness, even a reluctance
to admit wrongdoing. Admitting we are wrong is tied to our sense of self-worth,
because if we admit we are wrong, we perceive ourselves as weak. Pride protects
us from coming down to a ground level and recognizing our weaknesses through
the eyes of others.
Muddied, bruised and exhausted in my fight to get back into Pride's saddle, I finally realized through the eyes of those around me, I was wrong.
I had been harsh, impatient and demanding towards those who felt unjustly
treated. I thanked Pride, smacked her hindquarter, and sent her on her way, choosing
to stand on the ground with those I had wronged so I may see myself through
their eyes. I placed myself in their hearts, their shoes, and witnessed from
their perspective how I had treated them. Only then did I realize I had stood
in similar shoes during my lifetime with other authority figures, gently reminded
how unjustly treated I had felt.
With this newfound perspective, I began the healing process
of restoring my relationships with these individuals, as well as myself. I
practiced the five languages of an apology (Gary Chapman) and humbled myself to
accept responsibility for my actions with the promise to move among them rather
than ride high above them. I apologized – not with a superficial “I’m sorry”
but with heartfelt recognition of how I made them feel and by acknowledging my
faults and mistakes. And more importantly, I asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness
removes the barrier created by the offense and opens the door to restoring
trust between two people, and thus the relationship. Without genuine contrition,
without forgiveness, one may be able to move on from the experience, but the
relationship may never be restored to its original dynamic.
Sitting high and mighty cost me the trust, respect and love
of those I hurt. I now ride a beautiful white thoroughbred named Grace. With Grace,
I ride alongside others, rather than above them, With Grace, I am connecting
more deeply with them, deeply restoring our relationships. And now, I move
through the process of forgiving myself. By doing so, I allow myself to deepen a
connection with myself, and God in a healthier, loving and self-respecting way.
Grace keeps me grounded in God. Without her, my relationship with God, myself, and
others would be forever diminished.
