Today, I am in Owensboro, Kentucky where my parents live. My mom is terminally ill with renal cancer that has invaded her brain. Since learning of this news in late-January, I've made monthly week-long trips to Kentucky to spend as much time as I can with her. I also have been helping them get affairs in order, and gives my dad a bit of break with the household chores.
Mom had another MRI today to ascertain what, if anything, the low dose of chemotherapy has done to stop and/or shrink the tumors. She has several on her brain, but a larger one at the base of her brain, which is the most concerning; according to the doctors, this will be the one that does her in. We learned today that the tumors have actually grown a bit, and she has suffered a "mini-stroke" known as TIA. Don't ask me what they stand for - it's written down somewhere I am not right now.
As a psychic, I often know things before they happen. I don’t always fully trust those hits I get, but it never fails, they come to pass. I've had this ability since I was a kid. I can remember when I was in high school knowing a boyfriend was cheating on me, but I had no proof. The proof appeared and my intuition was right. As I have nurtured this psychic ability, I've learned to trust my hits, even without benefit of validation. But with my mom, I get hits around what is coming to pass around her health, and it can be a challenge, especially when validation occurs with the latest doctor's reports. It's challenging being a psychic. I can't give too much of what I know away with my family, and yet, I can sometimes help prepare my family for the possibility of this news.
So, with the latest news, I wasn't surprised to hear she'd had a mini-stroke. She'd told me she'd fell and didn't remember how she got on the floor; the last thing she remembered was she was moving a chair in place under the table. She insisted she “fell asleep” while doing the task. I wasn't surprised to hear that the tumors weren't shrinking, but rather that they had grown. I knew the tumors were causing some of the latest symptoms of her inability to steady herself in balance when walking, and the blackout.
I “see” more of what lies ahead but I dare not speak it aloud. I know in my heart what is coming to pass, and even when. Time will tell if my intuitive hits are correct. But for now, I hold space for my family; while I am somewhat resigned to what will be, my brother and my father are not quite there yet, though they know the inevitable end result. I see within them hope that this situation will change, and that there's more time than there really is. I see them hoping mom will be her "normal" self until the end. I am not going to take that away from them. In doing so, I am honoring their journey within this experience. We often times impose upon others "what we know or what we think we know," right or wrong. While I'm confident in what I know, in this situation, my hope is in that I'm wrong.
The bottom line is that regardless of what I know intuitively or not, I am being in THIS moment, right here and now, with my mom and my family. That is where we all need to be. As we wait with bated breath for more definitive news at another doctor's appointment this Thursday, we can only be in this moment, enjoying what time we still have together, with my mom, right now.
Namaste,
Carolyn
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
On Death and Dying
I host a Spiritual Journey Meetup group that meets monthly. We met earlier this evening - the topic was death and dying. I'm always amazed at how Spirit provides in the way of support for each of these meetings.
With my mother's terminal diagnosis, I have been forced to look at my beliefs around death, my fears, to surrender and honor my mother's journey. This experience is what motivated the topic for this evening's meeting. A wonderful discussion of shares from personal near-death experience to the loss of loved ones due to illness. One of the attendees asked the group a really powerful question: Are you afraid of dying? Am I afraid of dying? I know that dying is simply a rebirth into another form - an exit from the human experience into the experience of something different, better. This new birth can be back to our original form of Light, the One Source, and/or eventually a new birth into another life. I am revisiting this question within myself, as I know this truth intellectually, but I'm not sure I'm feeling the peace that accompanies the understanding of what death is.
What I do know, and I believe is common for most, is that I am afraid of the process of dying. In my mother's case, I am slightly envious that she will return home and be met by loved ones, including her father who died when she was in her twenties, with celebration and joy. She's going home to Source. But I fear the process of illness that she will undergo to get to that exit point. And this fear is pure selfishness. I don't want to watch her deteriorate under the cancer, to watch her become a woman who isn't my mom as I have known her for 44+ years. No one would, for it is painful to watch a loved one go through pain, become vulnerable and helpless, and lose all capacity to independently function. So I know I'm no different, but it is a fear I must face and release.
So when the question "Are you afraid of dying?" was raised in the meeting, I realized that I am not afraid of dying, but of how dying might look. Just as I don't want my mother to suffer, I don't want to suffer. I realize the urge to "control" how dying looks, but that isn't possible, unless I choose suicide; and, uh, been there, and ain't doing that. But death is a part of the soul experience to be had in this human journey. I must honor my mom's journey. And if it involves a lengthy illness, I must honor her soul's choice to have that human experience. My being pissed off and upset about it isn't going to change how it looks, (though it's natural and healthy to express the emotions, the sadness and the anger as a natural part of the grief process) for having resistance to "what is" only serves to make my journey within this human experience more difficult, and drain me of the energy that's needed to support my mom, my dad and my family.
I have and will continue to grieve before her death; and when she crosses over, I will begin another process of grief. For in this experience, I am learning and understanding grief so I may be of support to others who have lost loved ones. While this human experience totally sucks, I can find moments in which I am grateful to be in it. I'm learning about living in each moment, surrendering in trust that God is present within this experience, and to let go of how it all looks. These lessons help me conserve my energy, and strengthen my ability to serve my family, and eventually, others.
Love and Light,
Carolyn
With my mother's terminal diagnosis, I have been forced to look at my beliefs around death, my fears, to surrender and honor my mother's journey. This experience is what motivated the topic for this evening's meeting. A wonderful discussion of shares from personal near-death experience to the loss of loved ones due to illness. One of the attendees asked the group a really powerful question: Are you afraid of dying? Am I afraid of dying? I know that dying is simply a rebirth into another form - an exit from the human experience into the experience of something different, better. This new birth can be back to our original form of Light, the One Source, and/or eventually a new birth into another life. I am revisiting this question within myself, as I know this truth intellectually, but I'm not sure I'm feeling the peace that accompanies the understanding of what death is.
What I do know, and I believe is common for most, is that I am afraid of the process of dying. In my mother's case, I am slightly envious that she will return home and be met by loved ones, including her father who died when she was in her twenties, with celebration and joy. She's going home to Source. But I fear the process of illness that she will undergo to get to that exit point. And this fear is pure selfishness. I don't want to watch her deteriorate under the cancer, to watch her become a woman who isn't my mom as I have known her for 44+ years. No one would, for it is painful to watch a loved one go through pain, become vulnerable and helpless, and lose all capacity to independently function. So I know I'm no different, but it is a fear I must face and release.
So when the question "Are you afraid of dying?" was raised in the meeting, I realized that I am not afraid of dying, but of how dying might look. Just as I don't want my mother to suffer, I don't want to suffer. I realize the urge to "control" how dying looks, but that isn't possible, unless I choose suicide; and, uh, been there, and ain't doing that. But death is a part of the soul experience to be had in this human journey. I must honor my mom's journey. And if it involves a lengthy illness, I must honor her soul's choice to have that human experience. My being pissed off and upset about it isn't going to change how it looks, (though it's natural and healthy to express the emotions, the sadness and the anger as a natural part of the grief process) for having resistance to "what is" only serves to make my journey within this human experience more difficult, and drain me of the energy that's needed to support my mom, my dad and my family.
I have and will continue to grieve before her death; and when she crosses over, I will begin another process of grief. For in this experience, I am learning and understanding grief so I may be of support to others who have lost loved ones. While this human experience totally sucks, I can find moments in which I am grateful to be in it. I'm learning about living in each moment, surrendering in trust that God is present within this experience, and to let go of how it all looks. These lessons help me conserve my energy, and strengthen my ability to serve my family, and eventually, others.
Love and Light,
Carolyn
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Being Comfortable in the Moment
One thing we know about life is that it is ever-changing. We are in a time of history in which change is upon this great country, and even the world. With a new president who was elected on the premise of change, we anticipate how all this change will look, and impact our lives. The economy, the way the government does business, and even how we carry on the business of our everyday lives in these changing times will be scrutinized.
For me personally and professionally, I am already experiencing change that is inevitable in my life. In January, my mom was diagnosed as terminal, with renal cancer on her brain, she has only but a few months to live out her life. There is nothing the doctors can do for her except offer her some quality time before there is no stopping the tumors growth. In this experience, I am learning how to show up differently for my mom, my dad, and even my brother. Professionally, I'm discovering that my current work environment (my day job) is not the best fit for me anymore. This revelation is heartbreaking and unsettling, but I also trust that in this experience, the Universe is preparing me for something better at some point. In both these experiences, I'm learning to surrender, to let go of controlling the outcomes and needing to know how it will all work out.
With all the uncertainty, we must learn to let go and be in the moment. I'm getting better at being in the moment. I can't control the outcome of my mother's illness; I can manage how I show up for her in every second, minute and hour I have left with her. In my work environment, I can only control how I show up in a higher vibration that is respectful, honoring and loving with others. No matter what curve balls are thrown at me, I know I am at choice in how I show up within that moment, and at what level of integrity I do so.
None of us can control how things look, how others show up; we can only manage ourselves within the situation. I choose to come from a place of spiritual truth, though there are times when I fall off balance when the Human Ego steps in. But I can also choose to get up, dust myself off of those lower vibrating energies, and get right back to Center. We can't worry about the "what ifs" and what has yet to come. We can't change the past, it's gone. We can only focus on right here, right now. It's a more powerful place to be in the midst of change. Not always easy, but ultimately, that effort pays off in greater happiness, quicker inner peace and a certainty that God/Spirit has my back.
Namaste.
For me personally and professionally, I am already experiencing change that is inevitable in my life. In January, my mom was diagnosed as terminal, with renal cancer on her brain, she has only but a few months to live out her life. There is nothing the doctors can do for her except offer her some quality time before there is no stopping the tumors growth. In this experience, I am learning how to show up differently for my mom, my dad, and even my brother. Professionally, I'm discovering that my current work environment (my day job) is not the best fit for me anymore. This revelation is heartbreaking and unsettling, but I also trust that in this experience, the Universe is preparing me for something better at some point. In both these experiences, I'm learning to surrender, to let go of controlling the outcomes and needing to know how it will all work out.
With all the uncertainty, we must learn to let go and be in the moment. I'm getting better at being in the moment. I can't control the outcome of my mother's illness; I can manage how I show up for her in every second, minute and hour I have left with her. In my work environment, I can only control how I show up in a higher vibration that is respectful, honoring and loving with others. No matter what curve balls are thrown at me, I know I am at choice in how I show up within that moment, and at what level of integrity I do so.
None of us can control how things look, how others show up; we can only manage ourselves within the situation. I choose to come from a place of spiritual truth, though there are times when I fall off balance when the Human Ego steps in. But I can also choose to get up, dust myself off of those lower vibrating energies, and get right back to Center. We can't worry about the "what ifs" and what has yet to come. We can't change the past, it's gone. We can only focus on right here, right now. It's a more powerful place to be in the midst of change. Not always easy, but ultimately, that effort pays off in greater happiness, quicker inner peace and a certainty that God/Spirit has my back.
Namaste.
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Human Experience from the Spiritual Perspective
Greetings to all. I am stepping into the 21st century and beginning a blog! I didn't even know what a blog was up until last year. But I have been guided by my Master Guide Haithaya to "put myself out there" with my writing, my spiritual journey to share with others. I am no special or different in this human experience from you - we are all spiritual beings having one. I'm simply being called to reflect on my human experience from the spiritual point of view, for all to see! Good grief!
So, welcome to the Journey Wisdom blog. These posts will be shares of my human experience, and what I am learning within them about my personal spiritual truth. You will meet my Human Ego who will most likely rant and rave about the human experience; the Ego is after all what makes us human. And you will meet my Spiritual Being, what some may call my soul, as it reveals the truth within the human experience.
If you so choose to follow this human's spiritual journey, you will authentically know who I am, and hopefully, learn a little bit about yourself. For we are all One, connected in Oneness through our Spirit Within in this human experience; and we are all traveling this journey together, albeit uniquely. But the Spiritual Truth is the same for all of us. Who we really are at the core of our being is the same - we are Lights of God, simply being. What sets us apart from each other may be how brightly we are choosing to shine our inner Lights; how brightly we are choosing to vibrate in this world.
I welcome you to Journey Wisdom, and to my personal journey as one spiritual being having the human experience.
Love and Light,
Carolyn
So, welcome to the Journey Wisdom blog. These posts will be shares of my human experience, and what I am learning within them about my personal spiritual truth. You will meet my Human Ego who will most likely rant and rave about the human experience; the Ego is after all what makes us human. And you will meet my Spiritual Being, what some may call my soul, as it reveals the truth within the human experience.
If you so choose to follow this human's spiritual journey, you will authentically know who I am, and hopefully, learn a little bit about yourself. For we are all One, connected in Oneness through our Spirit Within in this human experience; and we are all traveling this journey together, albeit uniquely. But the Spiritual Truth is the same for all of us. Who we really are at the core of our being is the same - we are Lights of God, simply being. What sets us apart from each other may be how brightly we are choosing to shine our inner Lights; how brightly we are choosing to vibrate in this world.
I welcome you to Journey Wisdom, and to my personal journey as one spiritual being having the human experience.
Love and Light,
Carolyn
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