In Memory of Dad

As many of you may know, we lost our dad October 11.  Dad suffered from Lewy Body Dementia.  His passing was a blessing for him, liberating him from what could be at times a tortured mind.  I thank everyone who has sent prayers, thoughts and messages regarding my dad’s transition.
and Parkinsonism.


Today as I ponder the last week, I'm taken back to six months prior to his passing that my brother suggested we prepare everything for dad’s funeral.  We knew his health was declining as he was steadily losing weight; we did not expect him to pass so soon, but rather during the winter months into 2020.  In preparing for dad’s funeral, I began to create a video memorial to play at the visitation.  This project was a labor of love during this time as I went through countless photos from our childhood, photos of my brother’s albums, and scans of photos on a project I’d worked on a few years earlier.  It involved picking the right photo, the right music, and timing of it all as I pieced it together.

Over the decades dating back to my adolescence years, I remembered dad as “keeping me down”. Ironic since these are the words he used when living at the Carmel Home about the nuns and staff: “They’re keeping me down. I cannot do anything.”  My memory stems from the negative experiences I saved to my brain’s mental hard drive over the years.  Being fussed at for being me (laughing too loud, crying too much), being criticized about how I looked, or for my choices, not living my life the way dad thought I should or would. As a result, I remember needing to please him, working for his approval and/or his love.  I would talk about all the cool things I’m doing or what’s going on, and dad would just sit and listen without much expression.  I have a photo of my showing him my engagement ring and I remember him not being yet again, overly impressed.  He may have said congratulations then threw in some snarky remark in the name of teasing like, “Good luck” to my fiancé.  Dad would take snipes at me when he could, which struck a young gal so eager to please her father in the heart.  Our brain tends to focus on the negative memories, and its amazing imagination will fill in the gaps that help build the story we tell ourselves and others about any negative experience we had.  I realized I focused mostly on the negative experiences of being yelled at, the lack of words or show of support, the criticisms and the many arguments we had while I was a teenager. I perceived him disappointed in me and I focused on how my father had been “keeping me down.”
  

Over the past several months, I experienced a healing with support from therapy, reading books about compassion and resiliency, and while working on the video.  In perusing the hundreds of photos, I came to know and remember my dad in a different light.  Dad was a hard working man that took on many responsibilities outside of his full time swing shift job.  He put food on our table by growing it and raising the beef and pork.  He put a roof over our head, literally building the house from the ground up.  Dad put me through college by raising and working in a tobacco field many summers.  The photos showed many memories of smiles, and even in my baby pictures, you can see him gleaming with love for me.  He was creative, industrious, and even had a softer side to him I’d never known.  I found poems and letters he’d written for and to mom.  I remember crying as I read them because they were words I never heard him speak to me when growing up, but clearly he felt deep in his heart.  I realized that dad parented the way he himself was parented.  I also realized that I became so preoccupied with the negative that I lost sight of the positives in my relationship with my dad.

My healing was liberating once I began to see my dad in a different light that my brain naturally tended to keep in the dark.  I didn’t feel the need to seek his approval, to hear him say, I love you, or make decisions with the thought, “what will daddy think?”  My healing liberated the intense karma between my dad and me and I’ve never felt lighter and at peace around this relationship.  I’m grateful I had the chance to let him know how much I appreciated his hard work and that he was indeed a good father.  I came to feel unconditional love for him and know unconditional love from him in the best way he knew how to give it.

Take a relationship you are struggling with and flip it into the light.  What has been good about it?  What did it teach you? How are you taking away the positives into your own life? Shine Light on it. The not-so-great experiences will fade as you experience the paradigm shift to see it in the Light.  Then give thanks for the blessings and this person and all you've learned.  Find ways to focus on the positive through journaling the good times, looking at photos, or having conversations with mutual friends or family.  Be open and know that no matter the circumstances around the relationship experiences, it serves purpose for your healing, his/her healing, and your spiritual and personal growth and healing.  Jesus recognized the good in all people and never held a grudge against anyone, including his persecutors.  Forgiveness came without fanfare – it just crept slowly in and consumed me gently.  Allow it to do the same for you.

For a peak at the memorial video, please click here.   

How To Stop Taking Things Personally

Have you ever experienced the following, or something similar?

• We’re walking through a grocery store and a woman impatiently huffs as she passes by to get to where she needs to be.
• We are driving down the street and going the speed limit, and the person behind us is tailing us, honking their horn, then suddenly passes and gives us a dirty look.
• We arrive to an appointment and the receptionist isn’t overly friendly, and barely looks at you when you approach to announce your arrival.
  

We often take these things personally, asking, “what did I do?”  We may jump to conclusions about that person – they are rude, hateful, selfish, assholes.  We find reasons to make how they are behaving wrong so we may feel better about ourselves after taking it personally.  We judge them, scoff them or mirror back the same attitude and energy right back to the offender.  In these examples, we take it personally.

In taking these behaviors from others personally, we all too often blame them for how we feel when these encounters happen.  Why?  Because we ourselves are often insecure or have low self-esteem, or not in the right space to be compassionate.  If we were secure, centered in who we are, we may respond with surprise, shock, and even compassion or empathy.  Instead, we tend to judge and deem someone as rude and inappropriate.  Debbie Ford, author of The Darkside of the Lightchasers, explains that when we judge others for how they show up, we are judging ourselves because we see a part of ourselves in them, and/or their behaviors at a subconscious level.

Reacting in judgment makes assumptions from our own life experience filters, beliefs and self-esteem.  Responding pauses and reflects on what may be going on at a deeper level. It’s never okay to be rude to others, but if we pause to consider what’s going on beneath the surface of the situation, we may begin to make it less about us, and more about the person from a place of compassion. Consider these scenarios again:

• We’re walking through a grocery store and a woman huffs as she passes by to get where she needs to be.
• Maybe she’s a single mom trying to get home before her kids get home from school and are left on the front step with no way to get inside. 
• Maybe she just had a fender bender and is frustrated and upset because of the hassle and now she’s late for work.
• We’re driving down the street and going the speed limit, and the person behind us is tailing us, honking their horn, then suddenly passes by and gives us a dirty look.
• Maybe he’s running late to work because the sitter arrived late, and if he’s late again, he loses his job.
• Maybe he’s just learned his son is at the ER and is trying to get there to make sure he’s okay.
• We arrive to an appointment and the receptionist isn’t overly friendly, and barely looks at you when you approach to announce your arrival.
• Maybe she just got chewed out for something she did wrong and is feeling stung by the verbal chastisement.
• Maybe she’s blue because her mom is in the hospital dying and she needs the job to feed her kids, and is sad she cannot be there with her.
• Maybe she’s considering suicide and just doesn’t care about life.  

Whatever the underlying reason for why people behave as they do, they most need from us our compassion.  Compassion isn’t available if we are in the zone of judgment and taking their actions personally.  As empaths, we can really take what people say and do to heart.  Regardless whether you are an empath or not, learn how to stop taking things personally.  If you do take it personally, consider it a universal spirit invitation to look at yourself through the experience of those who are offending you.


#1 - Realize that other people's rudeness is not about you. When someone is rude it's likely to be a reflection of their own issues. Everyone has problems, not just us.  Be aware others’ problems may be getting the best of them at that time.
#2 – Ask yourself what else the comment or behavior might mean.  For example, if someone doesn’t smile or say hello, they might be shy. Explore beyond the surface for possibilities that doesn’t make it about you.
#3 – Take comments or criticism in a constructive way.  Ask yourself if there’s any truth to it and what you can learn.  If you are unwilling to do so, you are not open to being honest with yourself and personal. growth.
#4 – Take a different perspective. Ask yourself how an unbiased outsider would see the situation.  Objectively ask someone outside of the situation for an objective point of view.
#5 – Realize that you cannot please everyone.  Our job is not to make other people happy, but to make ourselves happy.  Some people choose and thrive on unhappiness.
#6 – Know that you’re not defined by your mistakes or criticism.  Even if the criticism is warranted, but not delivered in the best manner, recognize #1, implement #2, #3 and #4, and remember #5.
#7 – Realize that your self-worth depends on you. It does not depend on what others say about you.  If what they are saying resonates with you, consider #3.  If it doesn’t, remember #1, #5 and #6.

List provided compliments of HealthyPlace.com