A Letter from My Valentine

Happy Valentine's everyone! This Valentine's Day is more special this year than it ever has been and I wanted to share the beautiful letter I received from my Valentine. Wishing you all love.  C~

Dearest Carolyn,

Our relationship has seen its ups and downs.  We’ve been through a lot together and yet here we still are. There have been times you doubted that this relationship should even continue.  I understand. It got hard.  At times, it would’ve been easier to check out, end things and move on to the next life. But you fought for yourself, for us.  You have such a strength like I’ve never seen in anyone else. I’m so grateful for your strength.  Your heart is so big, so full of love that even in the darkest of times, you chose love.  You found love in yourself. You managed to find love for others despite their darkest veneer and transgressions against you. You never gave up.  I am so grateful for your love, and so proud of your perseverance.

You give your love so freely, so willingly to others.  I must admit I have been jealous at times of how much love you have invested in others, leaving me to feel excluded. I’ve watched you love others unconditionally, yet tolerating so much from them that no one should tolerate.  I have witnessed your heart breaking so many times, and ached for you to embrace my love, which at times never seemed good enough for you.  But I believed in you. I knew our love would one day align, so I stayed close, waiting for you to recognize my love, the unconditional love you are so very worthy of; that others in your life were unable to give you. They say patience is a virtue. It’s been hard watching you look to others to fill a void that I myself knew, have always known I could fill for you.

I waited.  I watched you suffer through one heart break after another.  I know you considered giving up, but I’m so grateful you didn’t. I’m so thankful that you remembered I was here, and that you decided to turn to me for that infinite love you’ve been seeking from everyone else.  No one loves you more than I do. No one.  It took you a while to see me, to remember I am here, I have always been here for you.  How joyous I was when you realized it was me; that it was me that has loved you from the start.  You are a beautiful woman, strong, independent yet willing to be vulnerable when necessary.  You have a vibrancy that’s been missing many years, but finally is back, brighter than ever.  Your inner Light shines through your smile, your eyes, your heart, and the wonder you have for life.

You’ve been through a lot and you’ve risen from each occasion a better woman, a better human, a brighter Light every time. I’ve never seen you more genuine, authentic as I see you today.  You’re courageous and willing to stand for what’s true for you, and to share that truth in support of others.  You are a loving creature and in knowing this, my love deepens daily for you.  My love has always been unconditional; you needed time to come around to accepting that this is the kind of love you need and deserve in your life. How glad I waited with patience! My heart leaps with joy knowing you have arrived at this understanding and now we can be united, embraced in this unconditional love.

Happy Valentine’s my dear Carolyn.  I love you. I love you. I love you.

With much love,

Your God Self

An Empath's Healing

The last few months since losing my job have been a healing process, and a process of making sense of what happened. By September 13, I felt as if I’d been hit by a train. 

Every level of my being needed restoration.

Physically, I had suffered from digestive issues for over a year. Belly aches, indigestion, heartburn and acid reflux plagued me. Prilosec didn’t work and I chewed Tums daily. I suffered insomnia, tossing and turning as my mind rehashed my days; chewing on every issue, decision and action that took place. When I did sleep, I was clinching my teeth, leading to a cracked tooth under a crown, and ultimately a root canal.  I ate my way through the overwhelm and stress and gained over 75 pounds from when I started. I experienced numbness and tingling in my right arm and hand, then after a fall at work, in both arms and hands. I cringed to look at myself; I didn’t recognize my face, and I loathed my body.  I struggled to find clothes to fit and body-shamed myself.  I abandoned house work and personal care on the weekends, not showering from Friday morning until the following Monday mornings. These behaviors weren’t helpful to my mental wellbeing.

Mentally, I was grieving the loss of a three-year relationship and nursing a broken heart. Work at that time was a distraction as I started the new job; but a year in, I began experiencing severe anxiety and mood swings. I started an anti-depressant to balance the mood swings and calm my nerves. Within a year, increased anxiety required an additional med taken when I felt anxiety or panic attacks came on. I experience panic attacks at work and at home.  Depression set in as I felt swallowed up by life.  Occasionally, thoughts of suicide tempted me as an easy way out. “Why bother?” they whispered, “you can’t do anything right to please anyone so why bother keeping on keeping on?” This line of thinking wasn’t helpful to my emotional wellbeing.

Emotionally, I felt drained. I repressed any and all emotions I felt during the day for fear of being accused of taking them out on staff, which I did a few times anyway under stress and duress.  I cried a lot; daily sometimes.  And when I’d stuffed the tears too deep, I’d make myself watch a movie that I knew would uncork the dam of emotion. I experienced emotional eruptions after run-ins at work or antagonistic work situations, then nursed emotional hangovers for two or three days, dehydrated from all the crying.  I felt resentment towards coworkers and administrative support, then guilt, only to take on all responsibility for all issues and problems when in hindsight, they were not all mine to own. This emotional merry go round wasn’t helpful to my spiritual wellbeing. 

Spiritually, I was simply lost. I’d journal occasionally but it felt like I was reliving the angst of the day and I didn’t want to deal with it again. I couldn’t breathe as deeply as I use to, and likely, was not breathing much at all. I couldn’t catch a deep breath when I tried. On weekends, I binged on movies or reruns on television to escape from the reality of my life. Drained from the day, I’d drink a beer, a few glasses of wine or binge on fast food.  This habit didn’t help my physical wellbeing.

My only job after being freed from the life from Hell was to take care of me.  I spent three months recuperating and searching for answers; a direction. I read more books in a few weeks than I had in several years! Books about happiness, being an empath, minimalism, Buddhism, and mindfulness to name a few. Looking back on how I handled life’s challenges the past several years, it became clear how I failed to cope with the work environment. Being an empath is a huge responsibility, first and foremost, to oneself. Through this challenging experience, I got lost because I had given all of me to everyone else:

·        to please others;

·        to seek approval;

·        to feel validated;

·        to feel and be loved;

·        to feel worthy; and

·        to be valued.

It’s laughingly ironic!  After dealing with countless issues of abandonment in my life and past lives, I actually ABANDONED myself!

Healing means restoring every level of one’s being. My job was to take care of me, nurture me and love me.  Thankfully I recovered, and reconnected with the empath I Am. The Universe has fully supported this healing, flowing so many people and resources into my life who are like-minded and traveling this journey with me.  

The experience over the last seven years has been a blessing and a curse of a classroom; thankfully, it woke me up. I’m wider awake than I can ever remember as I reconnect with who I am. I feel found. I found myself.  I must not only survive life as an Empath, but I must thrive as an Empath living an authentic life.