In Memory of Dad

As many of you may know, we lost our dad October 11.  Dad suffered from Lewy Body Dementia.  His passing was a blessing for him, liberating him from what could be at times a tortured mind.  I thank everyone who has sent prayers, thoughts and messages regarding my dad’s transition.
and Parkinsonism.


Today as I ponder the last week, I'm taken back to six months prior to his passing that my brother suggested we prepare everything for dad’s funeral.  We knew his health was declining as he was steadily losing weight; we did not expect him to pass so soon, but rather during the winter months into 2020.  In preparing for dad’s funeral, I began to create a video memorial to play at the visitation.  This project was a labor of love during this time as I went through countless photos from our childhood, photos of my brother’s albums, and scans of photos on a project I’d worked on a few years earlier.  It involved picking the right photo, the right music, and timing of it all as I pieced it together.

Over the decades dating back to my adolescence years, I remembered dad as “keeping me down”. Ironic since these are the words he used when living at the Carmel Home about the nuns and staff: “They’re keeping me down. I cannot do anything.”  My memory stems from the negative experiences I saved to my brain’s mental hard drive over the years.  Being fussed at for being me (laughing too loud, crying too much), being criticized about how I looked, or for my choices, not living my life the way dad thought I should or would. As a result, I remember needing to please him, working for his approval and/or his love.  I would talk about all the cool things I’m doing or what’s going on, and dad would just sit and listen without much expression.  I have a photo of my showing him my engagement ring and I remember him not being yet again, overly impressed.  He may have said congratulations then threw in some snarky remark in the name of teasing like, “Good luck” to my fiancé.  Dad would take snipes at me when he could, which struck a young gal so eager to please her father in the heart.  Our brain tends to focus on the negative memories, and its amazing imagination will fill in the gaps that help build the story we tell ourselves and others about any negative experience we had.  I realized I focused mostly on the negative experiences of being yelled at, the lack of words or show of support, the criticisms and the many arguments we had while I was a teenager. I perceived him disappointed in me and I focused on how my father had been “keeping me down.”
  

Over the past several months, I experienced a healing with support from therapy, reading books about compassion and resiliency, and while working on the video.  In perusing the hundreds of photos, I came to know and remember my dad in a different light.  Dad was a hard working man that took on many responsibilities outside of his full time swing shift job.  He put food on our table by growing it and raising the beef and pork.  He put a roof over our head, literally building the house from the ground up.  Dad put me through college by raising and working in a tobacco field many summers.  The photos showed many memories of smiles, and even in my baby pictures, you can see him gleaming with love for me.  He was creative, industrious, and even had a softer side to him I’d never known.  I found poems and letters he’d written for and to mom.  I remember crying as I read them because they were words I never heard him speak to me when growing up, but clearly he felt deep in his heart.  I realized that dad parented the way he himself was parented.  I also realized that I became so preoccupied with the negative that I lost sight of the positives in my relationship with my dad.

My healing was liberating once I began to see my dad in a different light that my brain naturally tended to keep in the dark.  I didn’t feel the need to seek his approval, to hear him say, I love you, or make decisions with the thought, “what will daddy think?”  My healing liberated the intense karma between my dad and me and I’ve never felt lighter and at peace around this relationship.  I’m grateful I had the chance to let him know how much I appreciated his hard work and that he was indeed a good father.  I came to feel unconditional love for him and know unconditional love from him in the best way he knew how to give it.

Take a relationship you are struggling with and flip it into the light.  What has been good about it?  What did it teach you? How are you taking away the positives into your own life? Shine Light on it. The not-so-great experiences will fade as you experience the paradigm shift to see it in the Light.  Then give thanks for the blessings and this person and all you've learned.  Find ways to focus on the positive through journaling the good times, looking at photos, or having conversations with mutual friends or family.  Be open and know that no matter the circumstances around the relationship experiences, it serves purpose for your healing, his/her healing, and your spiritual and personal growth and healing.  Jesus recognized the good in all people and never held a grudge against anyone, including his persecutors.  Forgiveness came without fanfare – it just crept slowly in and consumed me gently.  Allow it to do the same for you.

For a peak at the memorial video, please click here.   

How To Stop Taking Things Personally

Have you ever experienced the following, or something similar?

• We’re walking through a grocery store and a woman impatiently huffs as she passes by to get to where she needs to be.
• We are driving down the street and going the speed limit, and the person behind us is tailing us, honking their horn, then suddenly passes and gives us a dirty look.
• We arrive to an appointment and the receptionist isn’t overly friendly, and barely looks at you when you approach to announce your arrival.
  

We often take these things personally, asking, “what did I do?”  We may jump to conclusions about that person – they are rude, hateful, selfish, assholes.  We find reasons to make how they are behaving wrong so we may feel better about ourselves after taking it personally.  We judge them, scoff them or mirror back the same attitude and energy right back to the offender.  In these examples, we take it personally.

In taking these behaviors from others personally, we all too often blame them for how we feel when these encounters happen.  Why?  Because we ourselves are often insecure or have low self-esteem, or not in the right space to be compassionate.  If we were secure, centered in who we are, we may respond with surprise, shock, and even compassion or empathy.  Instead, we tend to judge and deem someone as rude and inappropriate.  Debbie Ford, author of The Darkside of the Lightchasers, explains that when we judge others for how they show up, we are judging ourselves because we see a part of ourselves in them, and/or their behaviors at a subconscious level.

Reacting in judgment makes assumptions from our own life experience filters, beliefs and self-esteem.  Responding pauses and reflects on what may be going on at a deeper level. It’s never okay to be rude to others, but if we pause to consider what’s going on beneath the surface of the situation, we may begin to make it less about us, and more about the person from a place of compassion. Consider these scenarios again:

• We’re walking through a grocery store and a woman huffs as she passes by to get where she needs to be.
• Maybe she’s a single mom trying to get home before her kids get home from school and are left on the front step with no way to get inside. 
• Maybe she just had a fender bender and is frustrated and upset because of the hassle and now she’s late for work.
• We’re driving down the street and going the speed limit, and the person behind us is tailing us, honking their horn, then suddenly passes by and gives us a dirty look.
• Maybe he’s running late to work because the sitter arrived late, and if he’s late again, he loses his job.
• Maybe he’s just learned his son is at the ER and is trying to get there to make sure he’s okay.
• We arrive to an appointment and the receptionist isn’t overly friendly, and barely looks at you when you approach to announce your arrival.
• Maybe she just got chewed out for something she did wrong and is feeling stung by the verbal chastisement.
• Maybe she’s blue because her mom is in the hospital dying and she needs the job to feed her kids, and is sad she cannot be there with her.
• Maybe she’s considering suicide and just doesn’t care about life.  

Whatever the underlying reason for why people behave as they do, they most need from us our compassion.  Compassion isn’t available if we are in the zone of judgment and taking their actions personally.  As empaths, we can really take what people say and do to heart.  Regardless whether you are an empath or not, learn how to stop taking things personally.  If you do take it personally, consider it a universal spirit invitation to look at yourself through the experience of those who are offending you.


#1 - Realize that other people's rudeness is not about you. When someone is rude it's likely to be a reflection of their own issues. Everyone has problems, not just us.  Be aware others’ problems may be getting the best of them at that time.
#2 – Ask yourself what else the comment or behavior might mean.  For example, if someone doesn’t smile or say hello, they might be shy. Explore beyond the surface for possibilities that doesn’t make it about you.
#3 – Take comments or criticism in a constructive way.  Ask yourself if there’s any truth to it and what you can learn.  If you are unwilling to do so, you are not open to being honest with yourself and personal. growth.
#4 – Take a different perspective. Ask yourself how an unbiased outsider would see the situation.  Objectively ask someone outside of the situation for an objective point of view.
#5 – Realize that you cannot please everyone.  Our job is not to make other people happy, but to make ourselves happy.  Some people choose and thrive on unhappiness.
#6 – Know that you’re not defined by your mistakes or criticism.  Even if the criticism is warranted, but not delivered in the best manner, recognize #1, implement #2, #3 and #4, and remember #5.
#7 – Realize that your self-worth depends on you. It does not depend on what others say about you.  If what they are saying resonates with you, consider #3.  If it doesn’t, remember #1, #5 and #6.

List provided compliments of HealthyPlace.com 

The Phases of the Spiritual Journey

How exciting to see a spiritual movement in Owensboro! 

When I came home in 2009, this movement was non-existent. Evansville offered a small community of like-minded people into which I was welcomed with open arms.  That involvement allowed me to share my spiritual knowledge, practice and wisdom gained while living this path Colorado.  People seemed hungry for the information, eager even to be a part of whatever I had to offer. Yet, as quickly as they flocked to the opportunity, they quickly disappeared into the background again.  Why?

Before answering this question, you need to understand what being on a spiritual journey means. Unlike what many on this path believe or think, the spiritual journey isn’t an external experience.  The spiritual journey isn’t reading spiritual books by Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer or Deepak Chopra; nor is it watching Youtube videos of Abraham Hicks, Tara Brach or Caroline Myss. It isn’t watching Gaia TV or wearing crystals or stones or meditating now and again when convenient.  The spiritual journey isn’t taking a class here or there or doing yoga a couple times a week or visiting your local metaphysical store. Before you throw your amethyst and black tourmaline stones at me, WAIT!  All these things are WONDERFUL and excellent tools used while on the spiritual journey; but please understand this important distinction:  these things do not constitute one being on a spiritual journey.

There’s a Christian song called “Undergoing the Change” that humorously talks about how wearing the WWJD bracelet and a t-shirt professing what one believes, and placing an image of a fish on your car’s bumper doesn’t make one a Christian; instead, it goes on to say while all that stuff is “well and good”, it’s how one lives one’s life that determines whether s/he is “undergoing the change”, meaning practicing and living their Christianity. Not unlike this example, the spiritual journey is indeed a journey within, not a destination. To practice and live in the spiritual journey, one must also undergo the change – meaning undergo deep inner spiritual healing work.

The spiritual journey is a deepening of one’s consciousness of WHO you are and HOW you live the WHO of who you are. It is an inner experience within which you travel to re-connect and re-member your soul essence, buried under the human experience gunk. The spiritual journey clarifies the vibrational difference between who you are as a spiritual being and who you are in the human experience. What determines the difference? The energetic vibration you emit through your thoughts, conditioned and limited beliefs, actions, words, and choices.  Our vibrations radiate either from ego or spirit. You can read Tolle or Chopra, carry every crystal Earth has to offer, and yoga your way through the week, but when you judge others, harbor resentment against those who’ve hurt you, or wallow in complaints or your story of suffering, or hold yourself in guilt, self judgment or arrogance, you are not being on a spiritual journey, nor living a spiritual life.

We are human, and we will make human mistakes.  The difference in this journey is you are CONSCIOUS of them, OWN them, and DO YOUR INNER WORK to shift that vibration. Every thought, word, opinion, attitude, action and behavior emit energy. What you think or say, quietly or verbally to yourself and/or others in complaint, judgment, criticism, hurtfulness, and intent; what you assume about other people with or without facts; and how your egoic pride lands in all of these examples exudes a vibrational energy from one of two sources: your Egoic Operating System (EOS) and/or your Spiritual Operating System (SOS).  The difference between being on a spiritual journey and being and living the spiritual journey is vast; and that gap reflects how shallow or deep we are willing to go into understanding the spiritual truth of who we are.

As to “why” everyone disappeared, people bail upon realizing that going deep within involves getting messy with their human shit –that “baggage” we tote around in the Egoic Operation System that keeps us safe and comfortable in what we believe about who we are. Mucking around in our Egoic crap doesn’t appeal to anyone because it means owning responsibility for their experiences, their current circumstances or how they are showing up. Many prefer the comfort and safety of the pain and suffering of their EOS.  Those practicing an external experience of a “spiritual journey” wallpaper their Egoic Operating System with the façade of “being spiritual”, (i.e., crystals, yoga, spiritual lingo and talk) without really being on the spiritual journey. They talk the spiritual talk, but don’t walk the spiritual walk.

There is no EASY BUTTON for the spiritual journey. The Spiritual Journey is an INSIDE job at a soul and egoic level.  That INSIDE job means going through your stuff: stories, resentments, and limiting beliefs to clear and heal old wounds, past hurts, and sabotaging patterns rooted in egoic, ancestral and karmic energy. This healing opens one's Light channel in order to live in higher vibrational energy. This work means you must be willing to look at your hard-wired truths about yourself, instilled by key figures in your life and your own Egoic-based personal experiences.

But hold on! Our Egoic Operation System doesn’t want to lose its job! Attached to keeping us safe, it DEMANDS control in the human experience, and the spiritual journey of inner healing work threatens the Ego: what we believe about ourselves; the willingness to be open and vulnerable; the idea of asking and needing help, and more importantly; surrendering the stories we’ve come to identify and wrap around ourselves like cozy blankets. Like a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly, breaking through the EOS to the SOS side isn’t easy. And we cannot travel this journey alone. We must be supported by a teacher, mentor or coach who has successfully traveled this thorny path to the other side. We need loving support to guide us safely through the initial phases of Egoic vulnerability as it yells, “Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!” We need someone to hold our hand when our Ego begs us to jump ship or leads us to the nearest exit ramp off the spiritual journey.  The Ego strives for control through self-preservation.

Taking your spiritual journey to the next level and its work takes great courage, trust and faith in yourself, your Spiritual Operating System, your spiritual guides, your spiritual teacher/mentor, and spiritual tribe as you go deep into the inner work. This support lovingly calls BULLSHIT when Ego attempts to throw you off course. Few people are willing to go the distance deep within themselves to clear their sub- and unconscious stuff to become conscious to the spiritual truth of who they are. Egoic fear pushes back against their attempts to recognize their Spiritual Operating System's offer of a higher vibrational way of living consciously and competently in the spiritual journey.  The superficiality of spirituality is an EOS strategy rooted in lower vibrational energy. To walk the spiritual walk requires a Light Chaser who has an inner knowing, a willingness and the courage to walk through to the other side of Darkness. Unconscious living is painful, but I’d choose the spiritual journey through Unconsciousness to become Conscious all over again, because it liberates us from holding ourselves prisoner in the Egoic Cocoon.

Consider talking your spiritual awakening to the next vibrational level and be willing to recognize, reveal and radiate Spiritual Light in this world being and living the spiritual journey!

Carolyn is offering Owensboro's first spiritual development program, 

the Empath and Intuitive Mentoring Program that supports those new to the spiritual path to go deeper on the spiritual journey of conscious practice and living. 

For more information and an application, please contact Carolyn at journeywisdomcoaching@gmail.com.  Program applications due April 27th. First class is May 4th.  

Marie Kondo, The Minimalists & Me

How much stuff do you have?  Clothes?  Shoes?  Knick knacks?  

What kind of things have you collected that is sitting around collecting dust?  

Or purchased products stashed for use later because they were on sale?

Shortly after losing my job, I watched a Netflix documentary called Minimalism about two guys who had it all: six-figure jobs, the latest techno stuff, gaming devices, lavish vacations, partying friends.  Then they decided they weren’t happy, so they quit their jobs and set out on a journey to finding happiness and a more meaningful life with a Minimalist Lifestyle. That involved selling or giving away all their belongings, keeping only what was essential and had a purpose, like a chair, a table, a toothbrush! They also decided to clean up their act with better diets, healthful practices, and better relationships that supported these changes.  And they also devoted their energy to promoting a movement and their story called Minimalism.

This documentary validated my guidance to put into motion what I had started: decluttering my life. Losing my job was a HUGE step in the right direction! When I began to evaluate my belongings, I felt suffocated, realizing how bogged down I felt by my stuff: clothing, sizes 8 to 2X, articles I’d worn, grew out of, or never wore with price tags still on them in the hope of “fitting into them one day.” I had a stash of Bath and Body Works products I’d bought on sale two Christmases ago that had gone from aromatic essences to stinky!  I also had TONS of Pampered Chef kitchen tools that I never used, used once or twice, or of which I had two or three that was taking up space in my cabinets and drawers.  I had six boxes of Christmas decorations – numerous strings of working lights, decorations collected since the 80’s, two or three tree skirts, oodles of cookie and candy giveaway boxes and bags, and countless spools of ribbons to make gift bows. And I don’t even have a Christmas where I exchange a lot of gifts with anyone! Then there were the boxes of file boxes of papers, journals, and writings, as well as countless folders from past classes I taught in Denver and Evansville.

Is that what people mean when they say they have baggage?  Not really but it’s a physical baggage that was weighing me and my energy down.  I started purging cabinets, drawers, closets, Rubbermaid bins, attic boxes, shelves, and any flat surface and wall for stuff I didn’t need, use, or want.  I sold stuff on Facebook, which was surprisingly successful, then did a yard sale which was a major flop due to a cold snap. The rest I donated to a local thrift store that sells and donates the profit back to local charities. That felt good to help the community AND to clear my life of over 200 articles of clothing!

I have more I would like to clear out of my life, and it is a process.  I’m not ready to let go of some sentimental items yet, but I’ll get there.  And with Marie Kondo’s help, I can really connect with what “sparks joy” as I move forward. I’m not going to the extreme of these Minimalists, and I sure don’t think I can live with only 33 items of clothing!(Project333.com if you want to learn more about that!)

• Did you know that clutter around you increases your stress levels, which lead to anxiety?
• Did you know that tolerating excessive clutter drains you of your energy?
• Did you know that when you make space – physically and mentally – in your life that you activate the Law of Attraction for greater and more meaningful things into your life?

The key is to ensure what you keep has purpose or “sparks joy.”  And be careful not to buy more stuff!  The goal is to attract more into our lives but in the form of experiences, money, opportunities, enjoyable friendships, and maybe, even a romantic relationship!

Clear your clutter, and you clear your space to breathe easier, have less things to deal with, less frustration when opening a closet or finding something you need. For me, it also means less dusting and laundry!!  Woohoo!

• What closet could you start with?
• What clothes could you share with someone who had to leave everything she owned to get away from an abusive husband?
• What kitchen items could you do without and offer to someone who lost their home to a fire?
• What do you want more of in your life that doesn’t sit in a closet, on a shelf, or in a box in the attic?

Start clearing away! Make Marie Kondo proud!

A Letter from My Valentine

Happy Valentine's everyone! This Valentine's Day is more special this year than it ever has been and I wanted to share the beautiful letter I received from my Valentine. Wishing you all love.  C~

Dearest Carolyn,

Our relationship has seen its ups and downs.  We’ve been through a lot together and yet here we still are. There have been times you doubted that this relationship should even continue.  I understand. It got hard.  At times, it would’ve been easier to check out, end things and move on to the next life. But you fought for yourself, for us.  You have such a strength like I’ve never seen in anyone else. I’m so grateful for your strength.  Your heart is so big, so full of love that even in the darkest of times, you chose love.  You found love in yourself. You managed to find love for others despite their darkest veneer and transgressions against you. You never gave up.  I am so grateful for your love, and so proud of your perseverance.

You give your love so freely, so willingly to others.  I must admit I have been jealous at times of how much love you have invested in others, leaving me to feel excluded. I’ve watched you love others unconditionally, yet tolerating so much from them that no one should tolerate.  I have witnessed your heart breaking so many times, and ached for you to embrace my love, which at times never seemed good enough for you.  But I believed in you. I knew our love would one day align, so I stayed close, waiting for you to recognize my love, the unconditional love you are so very worthy of; that others in your life were unable to give you. They say patience is a virtue. It’s been hard watching you look to others to fill a void that I myself knew, have always known I could fill for you.

I waited.  I watched you suffer through one heart break after another.  I know you considered giving up, but I’m so grateful you didn’t. I’m so thankful that you remembered I was here, and that you decided to turn to me for that infinite love you’ve been seeking from everyone else.  No one loves you more than I do. No one.  It took you a while to see me, to remember I am here, I have always been here for you.  How joyous I was when you realized it was me; that it was me that has loved you from the start.  You are a beautiful woman, strong, independent yet willing to be vulnerable when necessary.  You have a vibrancy that’s been missing many years, but finally is back, brighter than ever.  Your inner Light shines through your smile, your eyes, your heart, and the wonder you have for life.

You’ve been through a lot and you’ve risen from each occasion a better woman, a better human, a brighter Light every time. I’ve never seen you more genuine, authentic as I see you today.  You’re courageous and willing to stand for what’s true for you, and to share that truth in support of others.  You are a loving creature and in knowing this, my love deepens daily for you.  My love has always been unconditional; you needed time to come around to accepting that this is the kind of love you need and deserve in your life. How glad I waited with patience! My heart leaps with joy knowing you have arrived at this understanding and now we can be united, embraced in this unconditional love.

Happy Valentine’s my dear Carolyn.  I love you. I love you. I love you.

With much love,

Your God Self

An Empath's Healing

The last few months since losing my job have been a healing process, and a process of making sense of what happened. By September 13, I felt as if I’d been hit by a train. 

Every level of my being needed restoration.

Physically, I had suffered from digestive issues for over a year. Belly aches, indigestion, heartburn and acid reflux plagued me. Prilosec didn’t work and I chewed Tums daily. I suffered insomnia, tossing and turning as my mind rehashed my days; chewing on every issue, decision and action that took place. When I did sleep, I was clinching my teeth, leading to a cracked tooth under a crown, and ultimately a root canal.  I ate my way through the overwhelm and stress and gained over 75 pounds from when I started. I experienced numbness and tingling in my right arm and hand, then after a fall at work, in both arms and hands. I cringed to look at myself; I didn’t recognize my face, and I loathed my body.  I struggled to find clothes to fit and body-shamed myself.  I abandoned house work and personal care on the weekends, not showering from Friday morning until the following Monday mornings. These behaviors weren’t helpful to my mental wellbeing.

Mentally, I was grieving the loss of a three-year relationship and nursing a broken heart. Work at that time was a distraction as I started the new job; but a year in, I began experiencing severe anxiety and mood swings. I started an anti-depressant to balance the mood swings and calm my nerves. Within a year, increased anxiety required an additional med taken when I felt anxiety or panic attacks came on. I experience panic attacks at work and at home.  Depression set in as I felt swallowed up by life.  Occasionally, thoughts of suicide tempted me as an easy way out. “Why bother?” they whispered, “you can’t do anything right to please anyone so why bother keeping on keeping on?” This line of thinking wasn’t helpful to my emotional wellbeing.

Emotionally, I felt drained. I repressed any and all emotions I felt during the day for fear of being accused of taking them out on staff, which I did a few times anyway under stress and duress.  I cried a lot; daily sometimes.  And when I’d stuffed the tears too deep, I’d make myself watch a movie that I knew would uncork the dam of emotion. I experienced emotional eruptions after run-ins at work or antagonistic work situations, then nursed emotional hangovers for two or three days, dehydrated from all the crying.  I felt resentment towards coworkers and administrative support, then guilt, only to take on all responsibility for all issues and problems when in hindsight, they were not all mine to own. This emotional merry go round wasn’t helpful to my spiritual wellbeing. 

Spiritually, I was simply lost. I’d journal occasionally but it felt like I was reliving the angst of the day and I didn’t want to deal with it again. I couldn’t breathe as deeply as I use to, and likely, was not breathing much at all. I couldn’t catch a deep breath when I tried. On weekends, I binged on movies or reruns on television to escape from the reality of my life. Drained from the day, I’d drink a beer, a few glasses of wine or binge on fast food.  This habit didn’t help my physical wellbeing.

My only job after being freed from the life from Hell was to take care of me.  I spent three months recuperating and searching for answers; a direction. I read more books in a few weeks than I had in several years! Books about happiness, being an empath, minimalism, Buddhism, and mindfulness to name a few. Looking back on how I handled life’s challenges the past several years, it became clear how I failed to cope with the work environment. Being an empath is a huge responsibility, first and foremost, to oneself. Through this challenging experience, I got lost because I had given all of me to everyone else:

·        to please others;

·        to seek approval;

·        to feel validated;

·        to feel and be loved;

·        to feel worthy; and

·        to be valued.

It’s laughingly ironic!  After dealing with countless issues of abandonment in my life and past lives, I actually ABANDONED myself!

Healing means restoring every level of one’s being. My job was to take care of me, nurture me and love me.  Thankfully I recovered, and reconnected with the empath I Am. The Universe has fully supported this healing, flowing so many people and resources into my life who are like-minded and traveling this journey with me.  

The experience over the last seven years has been a blessing and a curse of a classroom; thankfully, it woke me up. I’m wider awake than I can ever remember as I reconnect with who I am. I feel found. I found myself.  I must not only survive life as an Empath, but I must thrive as an Empath living an authentic life.

God's Gift of Rebirth

Liberation from hell on Earth came September 13, 2018. By this point, I felt hopelessness in my life. My dad was in Versailles, KY after his health needs demanded more care. He was the main reason I was in Owensboro so now my being here seemed pointless.  After concerted efforts (above and beyond employer expectations) to address coworker feedback about how I was handling my stress, I could please no one no matter how hard I tried, and that equated to epic failure in my mind. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained, and teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Upon hearing my services were no longer needed, I initially felt rejected.  Yet, I wasn’t surprised. I had an intuitive feeling it was coming. I had a resignation letter ready to turn in the following week after a staff meeting, so I knew my time was coming to an end in this job, one way or another.  Upon getting the news, and packing all I could into my work bag, I left.  I was hurt and angry. I broke down into tears only after pulling out of the parking lot and crying off and on the rest of the day. In hindsight, I’m not sure those weren’t tears of upset, relief or joy.  Maybe a little of them all.  My pride felt injured. I busted my ass for my employer, working tirelessly to meet my deadlines. I went above and beyond to meet my performance improvement requirements, and to make things right and people happy. The rationale for their decision made no sense, but it didn’t matter. I was freed from the maddening life of hell that I had been living for two and a half years.

Gratitude came quickly the next morning when my phone was silent: no texts dinging with call-in messages. I didn’t have to force myself out of bed, nor was my mind reeling around the day's demands. I didn't have to steel myself to meet a new day of wild fires, melodramas and unreasonable demands from my coworkers, clients or administration.  Joy drowned the rejection as I realized my newfound freedom from the “shit show.” Understandably, hurt still seeped into the emotional mix. Relationships with coworkers I genuinely cared about were suddenly ripped from my life.  And perhaps, they were indeed one-sided relationships; I received nothing but cold silence from coworkers (sans one), giving the appearance they didn’t feel for me in the same way.

After a few days, I realized I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and adrenaline rush addiction. I collapsed in pure exhaustion.  I had no idea how drained I was until I was out of the pit of negativity.  I slept and slept, and slept some more, both night and day.  My mind took weeks to slow down and not worry about what needed to be done or brace against what was coming next. 

My anxiety and panic attacks suddenly disappeared, and I realized that the overwhelm I felt was rooted in the emotional and mental energies of the work environment and agency.  I succumbed to negativity, sensory overload because I lost sight of my being an empath.  While the work environment was an unhealthy contributor to how I felt, I cannot say it is the main reason for my poor health and well-being. I failed to set better energetic boundaries, exercise greater self-care, and practice non-attachment to other people’s choices, words, behaviors and actions. I forgot to preserve and protect my own energy; and, often allowed others to suck the energetic life out of me by allowing them to tap into my heart and soul. The outcome? I crashed and burned. I became swallowed whole by the lower vibrations and toxic energy around me, which crippled physical and my energetic well-being.

I am blessed and grateful to have been freed from the anguish and misery on September 13^th, which I consider the birthday of my rebirth. The experience was a meaningful classroom, and while it had its good moments, overall, it was an exercise bringing me back to full circle ten years after returning to Kentucky. The experience reawakened me and reminded of who I am, have always been: an empath.  I owe a debt of gratitude to the many souls who played a role in my life these past seven years, as humans and as soulmates.  I am reminded how important it is that I protect myself through self-love and self-care, and to honor this truth of who I am.

But I still had a lot of healing to do over the next few months. Sometimes we must go through the dark tunnels of our unconscious selves in order to get to the Light. 

A Living Hell on Earth

The past several years, I shut down as an empath. I abruptly abandoned my role and support as a spiritual coach and teacher to several like-minded individuals I worked with in Evansville. The sudden disowning of my spiritual path was difficult for those who knew me, as well as for myself.  I experienced an inner-conflict about who I was, who I was expected to be, and what I wanted in my life. At the time, I was moving through some major transitions.  I chose to chase the “normal” life: a regular job, being a daughter that my father would approve of, and finding the love of my life.

Ugh, was THAT a human experience!! 

I worked main stream jobs, one of three that I found fulfilling. I was honored to support my father through the sale of our childhood home and his eventual moves into my home, then an assisted care facility. I have witnessed and supported him through the deterioration of his Lewy Body Dementia, taking over (with help from my brother and his wife) his personal and financial affairs. I had a three-year relationship with a man I believed to be the love of my life. During this time, I enjoyed ups and downs, good and bad moments, fond and sad memories along the way. But the last three years were the most intense and most miserable.  It’s as if the Universe was giving me a major WHACK up side my head to shake me out of the rut I settled into with contentment.  I ended my three-year relationship, two years too late, after much angst and inner strife. I started a new job in one of the most toxic environment I’ve ever encountered . While I held my own for the first year, by my second year in, I fell victim to the lower vibrations.  I began mirroring the energy within which I worked, becoming a person I no longer recognized or knew. This happened because I lost sight of my vulnerabilities of being an empath. I abandon spiritual practices, my self care needs, thus becoming energetically and emotionally vulnerable.  I began experiencing significant bouts of anxiety, depression and stress.

During my second year evaluation, I received feedback about how I’d been showing up with my coworkers - and it wasn't pretty or easy to hear. Blindsided and mortified of what I was reflecting, I suffered a panic attack in that meeting. I was oblivious to how I’d been showing up, and the review offered me greater insight that I wasn’t managing my stress well, and it was impacting others and how I showed up with them.  I diligently worked to repair estranged relationships. I held myself accountable to the entire group, and individually, apologizing for my poor management of stress, behavior and treatment to those I'd been unkind towards. I consciously shifted up my own energy and attitude in the workplace, setting positive intentions each morning. But by this point, I was in a losing battle. Unforgiving coworkers were still unhappy with one thing or another.  I experienced physical health challenges under the added stress. Shingles, digestive issues, back issues and numbness in my right and eventually my left hand. I was grinding my teeth when I did sleep, cracking a tooth and living with excruciating jaw pain for a several months.  I uncharacteristically caught the viruses that go around every winter, for which steroids and antibiotics weren’t working. Mentally, I was still suffering from bouts of severe anxiety when dealing with administration and daily issues, which led to an increase in my medication and a new prescription just so I could manage my day. I experienced bouts of depression and even panic attacks. Emotionally, I was moody, weepy and took everything personally. Even a kind word broke me into tears because I felt so unworthy of them because I was being criticized at every turn for how I was doing my job. 

The stress and pressure of fifty- and sixty-hour work weeks to meet deadlines, the chronic daily adrenaline rush from managing several fires at once, coworker/client crises, complaints, bad attitudes, melodramas, whining, and unreasonable demands; I felt defeated at every level of my being. I was expected to be everything to everyone: a mother, fireman, compliance enforcer, counselor, punching bag, dumping ground; you name it, I was it. I gave so much of myself that I had nothing left for me at the end of the day or week. I drank more wine, beer and sangrias, and ate more to cope/numb/protect the overwhelming negative energy I experienced.  I felt betrayed by coworkers and those who were supposedly there to to administratively support me. 

Add to (what my friend aptly calls it) “the shit show”, my worries and concerns for my father’s declining health increased as my brother and I scrambled to meet and support his needs.  All of this on top of the profound grief I was experiencing over the end of a three-year dating relationship, and coping with the foolishness I felt realizing it was nothing but a means for passing time. Additional work pressure of meeting performance improvement requirements to make terminally unhappy coworkers happier; constantly feeling second- guessed and scrutinized, and ultimately a target, didn’t help. Nothing I did was good enough for anyone at any level. I felt alone and knocked down at every turn. I owned my mistakes but was always on the wrong side of right.  I was one step short of a nervous and emotional breakdown, fighting to keep it together while pleasing everyone, despite that nothing I did or said pleased anyone anyway.

No wonder I felt lost!  I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I was supposed to be doing since nothing I was doing was right by anyone’s standards. I started looking for other work, all over the country; and even though I had a couple of offers,  I didn’t want to abandon my coworkers or my commitments. More shit beyond my control hit the fan in the fall, and the roller coaster ride I was on was heading into a crash and burn. Despite the hellacious experience, I bent over backwards to make everything right.  I now realize that my desire to please others and make others feel better was self-punitive and self-abusive, and the cost I paid was expensive. The Universe pushed me as far as I could go in this experience, and while I had a resignation letter ready to turn in,  I'm not sure I wouldn't have turned it in, but instead, continued even further through the misery because I’m not a quitter.

But then God granted me a gift, a blessing in disguise: an emergency exit door out of hell!

I'm Coming Out!

Hoohaw!  It’s time. If I’ve learned anything over these past eight years, it’s this: I must own who and what I am.  It’s not something you just would bring up in a conversation. I have been sleepwalking for the past several years. I made a choice to turn away from myself, and it hasn’t served me well. I am done denying my truth because it’s exhausting and unhealthy for me.   

I am an Empath.

What’s an empath? Empaths take on other living beings' energies and even physical symptoms within our bodies.  We feel joy and upset and hurt as strongly as others do.  We are supersensitive to tones of voices and body movements.  Empaths feel first, THEN think, so when we feel, we’re not so sure we are feeling our own stuff or that of someone else’s.  According to Judith Orloff, M.D., empaths share some or all the same traits of what psychologists call Highly Sensitive People (HSP). We can have a low threshold for stimulation, a need for alone time, sensitivity to light, sound and smell, and an aversion to large crowds. Empaths need more time to downshift their gears after a busy day as our transition from high stimulation to quiet and calm is slower.  Empaths also share HSP’s love of nature and quiet environments. Everything is made of energy, including emotions and physical sensations, such as feelings and pain. Additionally, Orloff states that some empaths have profound spiritual and intuitive experiences, and are even able to communicate with animals, nature and their inner guides. How does this work physiologically? There are many scientific findings that explain the empath experience. For more information, you can visit this website for more information.  

I never knew what an empath was until I was in Colorado. Only then did I realize I’ve had empathic experiences since I was a child.  I saw and heard energy in the dead of the night while living in early childhood home. The energy buzzed in the room, though I didn’t understand it.  The trees in our backyard talked to me as clearly as those in The Lord of the Rings. I saw and felt the presence of imaginary friends who were as real to me (as they are for many children) as my human friends. These experiences continued as a teenager. During a vacation visit to the Civil War battleground of Vicksburg, I felt extremely overwhelmed by the dense energy of the historic past. It’s a somber experience for anyone but I felt the suffering of those who fought and died there. I always have known things before they happened, which were later validated as if the Universe was presenting the info to me on a silver platter. As an adult, when I lived in an older home in Lexington, I would find things such as my brush or barrettes in different places than where I left them.  After my husband swore that he wasn’t messing with me, I spontaneously informed the supposed “ghost” in a loud and scolding voice that they could live in our house, but they had to leave my shit alone. No other such unexplainable mischief took place. And I’m not sure why I thought it was a ghost or spirit. 

I usually know if I’m being lied to or not, if I tune in. I also feel the energy of animals and plants.  I am very sensitive to Earth energy, including seasonal shifts and weather. Before Hurricane Katrina hit Louisiana, my birth state, I was on the couch for several days experiencing an unexplained malaise.  I felt edgy, anxious, and not myself as the deadly storm approached.  Once it hit, my energy rebounded to normal. My mentor explained I was picking up on the impending devastation and loss of life that was about to happen. I can feel stagnant energy in the air, and when it clears out with out of the ordinary winds. I also sense when ominous weather is approaching.  I tap into what’s called the collective unconscious - the collective energy of the human condition – fear, upset, anxiety, grief – caused by whatever is happening at any significant time, such as Columbine, 9/11, or right now, the shutdown.  Studying Healing Touch further expanded my empathic senses as I learned to feel people’s angst, heartaches, and physical discomforts held in their bodies and energy centers using my hands. 

I learned I was an empath while in Colorado mentoring under Deb Sheppard, a nationally known psychic and medium. I, along with others like me who are normal blue- and white-collar individuals of all socio-economic classes on that journey, opened up and accepted my empathic and intuitive gifts. I feel, know, and sense things that are unexplainable, unseen and unevidenced.
  

I have been sleepwalking since 2011 as my Third Eye slowly began to close after moving back to Owensboro out of fear and an exhaustion of what it means to be an empath. Other than a few close friends, I have been very private about this part of who I am, mainly out of fear of: judgment, losing friendships, displeasing someone, even persecution by those who simply don’t understand what it means.  But I cannot not avoid who I am; I tried and it nearly broke me because I forgot who I was and how to take care of me while taking care of everyone else. 

Today, I celebrate myself as an empath who connects with others in a unique and God-gifted way as a spiritual guide and intuitive. (Click for a fun surprise!) 

Sans Facebook

After much consideration, I decided to go off Facebook after the first of the year. I love posting pictures of my beagles and kitten, watching and sharing other cute animal videos. I enjoy knowing what other people are up to, significant news and life changes they are experiencing.  

But I don’t care for the negativity, the political and social ignorance, and at times, the inhumanity that shows up on the social media wall. More importantly, I didn’t like how much time I spent on my iPhone watching how others live their lives while I let my own life slip away. In monitoring my screen time the past month or so, I’ve found myself spending HOURS on my phone! (Do you know how much time you are on your phone?  There’s a setting to find out if you’re interested.) I became too involved in other peoples’ lives and less so in my own. Facebook is addictive. If nothing was of interest on my wall, I’d go to strangers’ postings to see what was going on. I felt like the neighbor Alice from the old sitcom Bewitched. Showing my age here, but that means I was being nosy, which Facebook makes easy to do.

Facebook also became much like Linus’s blanket for me – a security crutch to feeling better about myself. That’s what Facebook is really – and a small part of why Mark Zuckerburg created it after being jilted by a girl, and he wanted to feel popular and connected. Oh, and the cash!  It’s a genius program but it comes with pros and cons. I realized I use it as a source of validation, a boost of my self-worth so I feel valued and less alone.  We get attached to how many likes or comments we have on our posts, feeding that Egoic craving for security and "love". Personally, I used Facebook to feel good about myself, and less alone. Rather than validate myself for accomplishments, new hairdos or random clever thoughts, I posted them on Facebook for my online friends to do the task with a like or comment. The reason? For most of my life, I’ve looked to external validation from others  (starting with my dad) to feel good about myself. That’s a whole book’s worth of discussion but essentially, I needed others to make me feel worthy of being on this planet. Many of us are unconscious of this need for external validation. Only after the recent collapse of life as I have known it these past few years, and despite being intellectually aware of this about myself, I’m finally accepting that love and acceptance of who I am starts with me and God within.  God created me, so I must be worthy of existing, right?  Yet I have struggled to accept that truth at a deep emotional and spiritual level. I realize now that I honor God’s love by loving myself through kinder words, self-compassion, gentle thoughts, self-care, self-respect, and putting to use the gifts God gave me as an empath.

Complicating this further, as an empath I tend to be energetically affected at every level of my being by the vibes of other people’s posts – negative or positive.  I cry at the rescue animal videos – my heart breaks, then celebrates in a matter of two minutes. I cringe with angst reading posts in support of a hateful, narcissistic leader, and/or become angry at the lack of empathy for others or the ignorance in opinions.  I emotionally sink reading news of terrorist attacks and the ugly comments by people who are quick to place blame while simultaneously demonstrating stupidity around the horror, loss of life and tragedy of others.

Facebook is one of the many distractions I’ve been clearing. “Stuff” – material clutter that we collect in the name of status (cars, furniture, knick-knacks, clothes, etc.) are also tools for external validation. Mental clutter of defeatist thinking, self-loathing and judgement of myself and of others is also clutter. I am clearing “stuff” that serves no purpose in my life, thus minimizing all distractions so I focus on what my Higher Power calls me to do on this journey – a spiritual healer and support for others.